invalidiuser

So what does a person to do if everytime that your looking for some action
from your partner/spouse, you have to beg and beg just to get some? And even when you do get some, you don't really feel an effort on their sidd because they are not putting in any effort and is just giving it up because they are probably feeling pity for you only.

Then because you have to beg everytime, you go looking for it else where, it is also considered cheating. But yet at the same time, you have to go thru such a process that probably meeting a new person and getting some action seems easier.

No, this is no excuse so that one can cheat but just a typical question knowing that alot of guys including myself don't get much action from our spouse's. And also a perspective from a woman's point of view from your stand point.

mixedmedia

I'd say that there is a problem with your marriage and you need to talk about it. The only time I've been in a similar situation was when the marriage was broken and the lack of sex was only a symptom.

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Makia

There could be something wrong on her end. Personally, I'm always up for it, but I know that some women are self-conscious, or feel like their s/o's only want one thing from them, or maybe they weren't being satisfied so they just stopped wanting to do it. Could be any number of things.

EDIT - Also, what mixedmedia said. May not have anything to do with sex, specifically.

As far as I'm concerned, there is no excuse for cheating. Talk things over with your partner/spouse and try to figure out what is wrong and make sure she knows how important it is to you.

If she refuses to do anything about it, then it's probably time to break it off and move on.

Not that I'm an expert or anything--it's just what I think.

invalidiuser

Thanks for your inputs. I guess over time things just tend to slowly fade away from one's person. Just like a candle that slow burn its way down and eventually the fire just dies out.

ratbastid

There are three things that are critical to a relationship: communication, communication, and communication.

Redlemon

That's not what anyone has said in this thread. If that's what you got out of reading mixedmedia and Makia's posts, it sounds like you have already made your decision (i.e., your relationship with your spouse is over), and you are looking for people to back you up on that.

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I can't read your signature. Sorry.

invalidiuser

Sorry if you misread what I typed. But that was just meant for myself and talking about myself. Being that I guess my relationship is like that. I was not looking for anyone to backup my situation or thought anyone said or meant anything. I was just here to see on other people's opinions, thoughts and see if any have been in a relationship like that before. Or, how they fixed or overcame their situations. That is all that I was merely asking. So sorry if you mistook for something else.

Ustwo

and hormone levels.

You can't talk someone with a low sex drive due to hormone levels into a high sex drive.

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Jinn

You only have to beg because you've let her take control of the sex (when and how you can have it). Try taking back some of the control. It should always be 50/50.

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jewels

Totally what she said. ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

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ratbastid

If it's a purely chemical situation, then communication is the only way to deal with it. She's not going to know to talk to her doctor about it if he doesn't make sure she knows it's a problem for him.

The basis for ALL solutions to ALL issues in a relationship is communication. Whatever else it takes after that is just the playing out of what got communicated.

mixedmedia

Well, I have been in this situation twice before - once as the deprived and once as the...deprivee, lol? Both marriages ended because they were irretrievably broken. Well, there were extenuating circumstances in the second one, but it was well into the death realm when it ended.

I will admit that I am a bit of a fatalist about this, but in my opinion, once the sex is gone, gone, gone...it's too late.

Time now for some folks who have rebounded from sexlessness back into a mutually satisfying relationship to speak up. I don't doubt anyone's personal experience, I've just never heard of it happening before.

__________________
Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

inBOIL

If she never wants it, this is impossible to do. Besides, withholding for the sake of gaining power is just game-playing, and it won't address the underlying problem.

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girldetective

If this is a casual sort of relationship I would talk it over in a subtle way and decide to stay or go, and I would do just that. If youre not happy now ...

If this were a long-term situation such as a marriage this is what I did and would do again. I would take a step back and look at the situation the best I could in a practical and real manner. Then I would begin to clean-up my own act to where I was being the best possible partner that I thought I could be. I began to look at my own behavior and the effect it had on my spouse's affect. Then I suggested marriage counseling. In other words, I did everything I could to ensure my marriage prospered or that I was making the right decision when I left.

Although it sounds sort of sappy, Im really glad I did that now because I look back on it as a turning point and one that I think I handled well, as as adult. I learned a lot from it and it made my decision clear. There has been very little guilt, which I often carry us as normal everyday baggage.

Of course this all took time. Someone recently said in response to my being impatient that I am the most patient impatient person they had ever met. I suppose I did my best in a conscious manner over the last 5 years.

Now that I think about it, i think 5 years is waaay too long.

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Manic_Skafe

There isn't much to say about this that hasn't already been said but I can definitely see how begging and pleading for sex doesn't exactly get the juices flowing. Hell, I can't imagine being aroused enough to have sex - even if it's terrible sex - with someone who obviously doesn't want me in the same way.

Communication obviously is key but I can't imagine how pity sex can contain even a sliver of self-respect. I'd consider fixing things on an individual level before tackling the issues of the relationship.

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Vlad

I was in a situation almost exactly like the OP's for quite some time, and you pretty much hit the nail exactly on the head.

If that's the situation that one finds themselves in, then they need to try to fix it. I've posted about it before, but I think that it's really way too easy to fall into the "oh, sex isn't that big of a deal" line of thinking, if only to avoid the fact that there's a very real issue with the relationship that might not be resolvable.

People can do it with any serious problem with a relationship, really: lack of sex, abuse, lack of communication, etc. I don't think that anybody in a long-term relationship wants it to end, so they look for excuses to keep it going, such as trying to convince themselves that they've just got unrealistic expectations, or that having to practically beg their partner for any sort of physical intimacy is anything close to an acceptable situation.

To the OP, I'll get the obvious out of the way first:

Cheating = Bad.

Beyond that, it's a matter of how important sex is to you, and how much you want to try and preserve the relationship. You need to figure out if the other aspects of the relationship are worth fighting for.

Also, have you had a completely honest discussion about this with your partner yet? Even if nothing gets resolved with that discussion in and of itself, your partner's reaction to your issues should also tell you volumes. In my situation, I was pretty much repeatedly told that the problem was entirely mine to fix. There was no concern shown for the fact that I felt that this should be the kind of thing we should both be working on.

If you talk to your partner and they show concern for the fact that you feel this way and seem to honestly want to try and fix it, then great. If they brush you off, make it seem like you're asking too much (hint: You're not), or something similar, it shows a problem with the relationship that's much more like a complete lack of respect for your needs than just a strictly physical issue.

invalidiuser

Thank you for all your inputs. I really appreciate it and I know you guys are speaking from experience and heart. I don't really know where to go from here but thank you all for the time to replying to my thread. I will take alll your replying with a grain of salt and see how this will fold out.

Thank you all for your honesty and opinion.