erorama

So here is a question, Why do girls lead guys on? Yeah, I know guys do it too. But thats cause guys are pretty much assholes. I see girls doing it for another reason and I want to know what it is.

MrFriendly

A most interesting question indeed.

As you say, guys do this too, and I think it could be for much of the same reasons. But it really is a subjective issue.

So I'm going to offer some reasons, and I really don't speak on behalf of anyone. These are just from what I've observed with friends and personal experience.

I think a lot of the time, people don't really do it intentionally. It's more a case of they don't really know where things are going, how sure they are about committing to a particular person, but they're just seeing how it goes anyway.

I've had a few friends who are single and all of a sudden two people are interesting in them and don't quite know which they should choose, or even if they should be with either.

And then there are people who are just plain indecisive or change their mind easily.

You might argue why people aren't more upfront about it from the beginning, but I guess people are afraid of hurting the others feelings, or maybe not so great at saying no?

I don't really think it's a simple issue, and as I said, it really is a subjective issue.

From what I've noticed, there is the perception of being lead on by the person who suddenly found themselves dumped. And then there is overt leading on, the nasty kind, where someone makes their partner believe everything is going great when they really have no intention of it getting serious.

At the end of the day it's a communication issue I feel.

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The_Jazz

If you haven't figured out that some girls are assholes too, then you have a long way to go, my friend.

A better question would be "why do PEOPLE lead other PEOPLE on?"

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Plan9

Both genders have assholes.

Literally. Figuratively. Philosophically. ... uh... Anally.

...

While I could blame women for all my problems, they're just as guilty as men for doing stupid crap like head games.

Women seem to wear the pants more often in the "man begs for the right" society we live in these days.

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erorama

Jazz: you have to admit it there is a different way girls do it. I think it goes a lot further with women. Power thing maybe...?!

The_Jazz

Actually, I don't have to admit any such thing. Some people are assholes. Of those people, some have penises and some have vaginas.

There are a million different ways that people can be assholes. Very few of those ways are exclusive to one gender or the other.

If you're talking about high school girls, perhaps (and only perhaps) there is something exclusive to them in terms of "leading on", but in my experience, once you're out in the adult world, those differences die a quick death since most of those who were being led realize that they have so many other options.

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Jinn

Perhaps you notice it more from women because you're a heterosexual male? If you were a heterosexual female, I bet you would see it differently.

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sapiens

Just to be clear "leading someone on" means to convey the possibility of a relationship (or a continued relationship) with an individual without ever intending to have a relationship with that individual?

Men and women may both be assholes, but that doesn't preclude the possibility that they have different reasons for leading members of the opposite sex "on" and different strategies to do so.

I don't have much personal experience with "leading on" or being "led on". I would expect that men and women do so for similar reasons. Many of the reasons that MrFriendly describes seem likely. (Can anyone think of any obvious differences between the sexes for leading someone on?) However, I would expect that the characteristics of both possible partners that lead men and women to "lead someone on" differ.

I also know that men and women employ both similar and reliably different strategies to convey commitment in relationships. So, their strategies of "lead on" may be different.

The_Jazz

Sapiens, I think you're dithering about the details. The OP seems concerned with reasons. The reason given for males doing it was that they're "assholes". I fail to see why females can't be assholes too.

By the way, I do completely agree with your argument about the stategies for executing the "leading on". I just don't agree that the underlying reasons remain differ between the sexes.

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"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
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sapiens

I think that the details are interesting.

I agree that both men and women can be assholes, but to say that people do things because they're "assholes" isn't very illuminating. People do bad things because their "assholes". People do good things because they're "nice". It seems like more of a value judgment than an explanation of the reasons.

I did say in my post that the general reasons why men and women may lead each other on may be the same. I thought that MrFriendly's description of categories of reasons was accurate. However, delving more deeply might reveal differences between the sexes. For example, I know from research experience on breaking up that men and women may both say that they broke up because they had "differing goals" or "differing values". Upon further examination, the differing goals may involve his desire for a younger more attractive wife and her desire for a faithful husband.

Given that men and women appear to have different preferences in long-term mates (which is well-established), I would expect that a woman might lead one type of man on, dump another type of man, and immediately commit to another type of man. I would expect that the characteristics of the men that lead to those outcomes would differ from the characteristics of women that result in them being led on, dumped, or committed to.

EDIT: I feel like I'm getting away from the OP. Are their any other possible reasons for leading someone on?

So far we have:

People are assholes.
People aren't sure of whether or not they want to commit yet.
People are deciding between two or more possible relationships and keeping their options open.
People who are generally indecisive.

Willravel

Women lead on men for a myriad of reasons. Yes, a big reason is that some women are 'assholes', but it's really not that simple. Why are they being assholes in this way? Well for some it's low self esteem from inexperience (when a high school girl cock teases a college guy, for example). Some of it can be from generally being afraid of a relationship and being afraid of committing. They start the beginning of a relationship, flirting, and then back off. Sometimes it's intended well, just to be friendly.

JumpinJesus

Mr. Friendly brings up good points regarding those who are unaware that they are leading others on.

I'll focus on those who are aware of what they're doing and lead others on intentionally, i.e. the assholes.

It really is a matter of insecurity and manipulation. Being desired helps validate them, but the only way to confirm the desire is to take it as close as possible to actual physical intimacy without actually allowing any intimacy. This gives the leader-on a temporary boost of confidence, which is really all they're after. They have little intention of becoming intimate. They usually end up with someone as equally insecure as they are.

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mfh

Don't even waste your time with immature people who do this kind of thing.

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RenaissanceII

If games are to be played, make them Healthy ones.

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ItWasMe

Ok I'll be the first woman to reply. I'm not sure why, because I don't do it. But I have seen men/women I know lead others on. Some of the reasons seem to be, from what I've personally seen:

to see what her options are, if she is considering ending her current relationship.
to see what her options are, if she is considering cheating on her SO.
to see if she can do it (self esteem reasons).
to see if she can do it (manipulative game/power play/boredom).
revenge because of something a man did to her.
trying to dip a toe into the dating world again, then getting cold feet.
intending to use that person for a one night stand, then changing mind (guilt trip)

In my late twenties I was at a male friend's house when he was talking to his Roommate. I'll call them creep and roomie. Roomie had just dumped his girlfriend because he wanted to get back together with his wife. But, he wanted to remain friends with the girlfriend he had just dumped. Creep told Roomie that he could not have contact with the newly ex-gf, because this girl could not be just friends with him. Not long after, I heard Creep on the phone with Roomie's ex-gf, encouraging her to fight for her man!

Telling person A to cut off person B, then tell person B to fight for person A? Now, is that a game player, or what? I never asked him; I left. I wasn't friends with Creep after that. I like to keep better company.

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World's King

Because she can. And you fall for it.



Good luck with that.

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MSD

I tall goes back to the myth on which you base your premise; everyone thinks that men are assholes and only interested in sex.