Plan9

(i originally posted this elsewhere and nobody read it... so fuck it... i'm drunk and impatient... and i'll put this in the almighty-jeebus sex-talk folder)

21 June 06

Yeah, so karate was real good last night. No women. Just three hours of manly men beating the shit out of each other. There is nothing more satisfying than when I land a low front trick high round hit. Damn, kicking people in the head is like orgasm. And it be perfectly legal!

Bitterness knocks again. Hard. The circle of guilt and regret and anger and pain comes around like some kinda cross between the grim reaper and Johnny Cash. This time, however, it is upside down and backwards... like the supposed evil message you get when you play a Beatles record in reverse.

The poison in my veins instantly changes from a throbbing corrosive acid to screaming hot jagged razorblades. Delicious, no? This reads just like a 15 year old Hot Topic-clad goth kid talking about how AWFUL life is and "I-HATE-DAD!" and stuff-n-stuff, right? Yeah, I know. Sorry.

Things learned today. Knowledge. Perspective. Me being less of a naive idiot. I don't know how it has been this many months and I didn't realize. Was I that spent? That downtrodden that I couldn't get 5 out of 2+2?

I finally told The Complete Tale of the Decepticon aka The Flop of a Failed Marriage to my fellow karate ninja friends. They listened intently and were very understanding. The feedback floored me. They instantly broke the blinders I'd been wearing since it happened last year. What if it wasn't me? They told me that my wife had to have been screwing around on me before I came home and that everything that I'd done had only made it easier for her to cover it up. They described in detail how I got played. Everybody plays the fool sometime. 2006 was my Year of the Fool.

The holes in the story that I'd somehow ignored were filled in with their experiences with batshit insane women:

- How fast the initial "I want out" quote came from her. I got home on leave from "the war." Awkward adjustment period. Hell, the COLORS of the free world hurt my eyes. Awkward monkey sex. Trying to remember physical things; mental things still rusty. Then suddenly she decides that I'm not her 31 flavors anymore. Nope. I'm DONE. I hadn't even had a chance to fuck anything up yet! Nobody in their right gourd drops the D-bomb with that kinda quickness if they don't have somebody else to lean on, I figure.

- How close she is to her "old guy friends" from "back in the day". I never got the "sausage-status" on these guys. Bad sign. I didn't talk to any of my exgirlfriends let alone live within 600 miles of any of them. I didn't want any of them. I wanted my bright shiny marriage to work out. Build a home with the woman I'd invested 200 proof into.

- The lack of desire to want to go to counseling. Another big point. She's a fucking SOCIAL WORKER (on paper, actuality is rather questionable) and yet she didn't even want to go to counseling. That's supposed to be her voodoo. She DOES the counseling for everybody BUT her husband? Right.

- A month or two before the wedding she mentioned that she'd been in contact with numerous exboyfriends. Bad sign. Ignore the fuckers, you're about to get permanently attached to a guy you swore was the one for you.

- The repeated angry "I-want-a-baby-I-want-it-now-I-don't-care-if-you're-ready" syndrome. 'Nuff said. Damn, girl... let me at least get a quick college degree and start a new job first before we start the legion making. I have to SUPPORT you while you're an emotionally-unstable fat cow with child incubating, right? She was so intent on having kids before some magic age... like her giant eggs and my seamonkey gun would just disappear. She didn't give a shit if I had a good job or a chance to finish college in at timely fashion. Selfish. Illogical.

- The constant cell phone communications with unknown persons that I'd simply written off as calls with her girlfriends and other associates. Some guy. This was while I was sprawled on the couch sobbing my eyes out and begging like a big pussy because she said she "wanted out" so suddenly after I'd returned home. For all I know, it could have been ongoing since before I came home in the first place. How could I have been so fucking stupid? No chick whispers on the phone to their girlfriends.

- Agreed to a no-fault divorce despite the fact that she now had house payments to make on her own. What woman does that? She's richish, but she's not retarded. Why? Especially when their husband is making tons of tax-free dollars overseas and spends none of it. Maybe her conscience kicked in and she didn't want to actually have to fight me over the petty stuff because she fucked up first while I was still all "b-but-I-love-you" and slamming my head against walls, wondering why I couldn't breathe.

- The weird sour spot we hit before midtour leave even happened. She'd already done something immoral. It must have been in April or May when she traded my shell shocked ass in for an old favorite or newer model. Then she just had to run with her deceit until I came home and she could blame some desert-dazed motherfucker for being PTSD'd.

- After I'd finally grown some balls and left her by taking all of my possessions on a 6 hour trip to my parent's place before I headed back to A-stan, she babbled something about how she already had four guys asking after her already. Nigga please. Who would say that in that situation? They'd been there the whole time and I'd bet my sack hairs that she'd been teasing their tastebuds.

I'd bet a hundred bucks it was the French guy she always used to reminisce about. Guy was always better than me. Had a cool car with a spoiler and huge wrench-shaped wang and fabulous Fabio hair and tons of oolahs. Probably drove a white Toyota Celica and wore designer ankle socks. Grand superficial shit that I couldn't furnish. Or whatever. I never did anything with her. We never went anywhere. Turns out I was deployed. Universal excuses maybe, but viable displeasure. I was just Johnny Mediocre. Johnny Stepping Stone.

Every her, every me... get some, go again. And I here I thought I was the big bad monster the whole time... never really knowing what I'd done.

I figure I was just a good mannequin for her perfect wedding pictures. Tall, dark, and dumb as a brick. How could I have believed her lies?

I foolishly believed that she was a genuinely good person and now I have to believe otherwise. That was love... the love of a harlot.

...

Never again, ladies. Never again. I know where the heart lies... and its not in the torso where I thought it resided. It's all brains and asshole, it seems.

Things I know? I know I'm not perfect, and despite the lies... I never lied about how I felt. I was so utterly broken that I would have done and said anything to save our marriage. Kill peoples. Club seals. Vote for Bush. Sure, I'm a liar. I admit it. And I let her make me a liar again. Way to go me.

...

It gets easier, right?

Wrong.

...

Instructions: Remain calm. Screw college girls and consume pork products.

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Push-Pull

Man, that is VERY well written. I truly hope that you keep finding more and more light......

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DAMMIT! -Jack Bauer-

Willravel

Wait...I thought you were a devout Muslim...

Man, this is some rough stuff. Considering the above, it's very likely that there was funny business and if that's the case (even if it isn't the case) you didn't deserve the shit you were put through. I don't say this often enough, but divorce counseling is absolutely brilliant stuff. Blow off steam, ninja it up, but talking to a professional listener (not dissimilar from myself) could do a world of good.

BTW, you're hardly a naive idiot. Being in a relationship is like being blind deaf, mute, and drunk in a Lambo with a prostitute driving 125 on the Vegas strip, in that you lose your perspective a bit. You're not going to notice everything because you're in that love fog that people get into. I'm in it myself and I do miss things from time to time. It's 100% normal. Besides, hindsight is 20/20. Deal with your feelings now, but don't beat yourself up.

Best of luck, and cheers.

xepherys

Holy shit bro! I feel for you. There are a few guys in my unit going through somewhat similar issues, and we haven't even hit mid-tour yet. It's the curse of the 'ghan I guess. Man... i know there are no words, brother, but I feel entirely compelled to say something, anything!

Just know that not all women are heartless, evil wenches! Maybe a lot are, my scope has been broadened a lot since I've been deployed and been around my new brothers. But they're not all bad.

Frankly, this is exactly why I think it should be treasonous for someone to cheat on their deployed spouse. It's utterly wicked to begin with, but while your SO is off on foreign soil, it's remarkably worse. Perhaps a letter to your senator might convince him to hang her in the town square?

yeah, I know, levity probably isn't the correct approach right now. I'm tired, been on too many missions lately and insomnia has crept up on me recently. I hope you find your way through the shit to see the light on the other side. Mostly, the light that includes you (and all of us) getting out of this shithole country and getting our lives back in order.

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ruggerp11

Hey, that chick sucks and she'll get hers someday. Right now be glad you don't have kids, and you have those tax free dollars coming in. Talk to a counselor, get under some strange and start living life for you. Its a brave new world

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BUT!
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