shoe

Me and my girl have been going at it for about 2 and a half years now. I am 21 and she is 20. Recently she has brought up a point saying that she's unhappy.

Here's the situation.. I just started a new job meaning i have alot of financial restrictions. I work 4 days a week, got to school full time, have no car, had a film to shoot this whole semester, live in an apartment and basically have a ton of stuff to think and stress about. This may have caused me to neglect my girlfriend a little. We live in different cities so a car is almost necessary to visit. She understand that we may not be able to see each other as much as back in the days i lived with my parents and had access to a car but she tells me she is unhappy about the fact that everything is always the same. She said that because we cant see each other as much we should concentrate in making how we communicate to each other a priority. She needs me to use different and original ways to make her feel loved when we are apart.

I cant spend any money and i have little time to myself. I didn't know what to tell her. When we are together it's great but its just we cannot be together these days as much as we are apart.

I would love to make her happy again but apparently what i am doing is not enough anymore. Help?

The_Jazz

Maybe you can send a daily email, either at the start or close of your day telling her what you did and how many times you missed her. It won't cost you any extra.

I may have other thoughts, but that's good enough for a drive-by.

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Glory's Sun

she shouldn't be so needy IMO. There are times when life dictates that you just don't see your SO as often as you'd like. You have to deal with it. Of course she's not going to be happy, but as long as you both communicate and you both know you like/love each other then when you do get a chance to see each other it will be worth it.

She should understand that what you are doing is for the betterment of your life and that your life could become a very big part of hers for a very long time.

healer

mandy and I went through a similar phase a year or so ago. I moved to another town for work and could only see her every second weekend. To go from seeing each other almost everyday when I was living at home, to only 6 days a month was a major adjustment - one our relationship almost didn't survive.

What saved us was lots of meaningful communication and commitment to each other. It took a lot of reassurance from my end. Your girlfriend, like mine, is probably feeling insecure with you being so far away (and possibly has someone whispering the out of sight out of mind thing in her ear).

So talk, call, email, sms...anything that'll make her realize that you're still committed to your relationship. Good luck.

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skier

Why are there so many "wees" in the first sentence but the second sentence is all "Yous"?

This is out on a limb because it may just be semantics... but is she using different and original ways to make YOU feel loved when you are apart?

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onodrim

The best thing you can do, as others have already stated, is to keep in contact with her on some level daily; a phone call, an email, a conversation online, anything that works well for the two of you. As long as you both feel that the other person cares about what's happening in each other's lives, the relationship will be easier to maintain. And then when you do get the chance to actually be together, be sure that you're both really committed to making that time count. Go out and have a nice dinner, cuddle while watching a movie that you've both been wanting to see, whatever you do just make it clear that the time you're spending together is the most important thing at that moment (there are always exceptions of course, but you get the idea). However, you both, her included, need to understand the limitations of a long distance relationship. If she's expecting unreasonable things of you and not giving anything in return, then that's simply selfish. If you can't come to a reasonable compromise then it's probably better for you both to focus on your individual lives.

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hagatha

Well said.

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cadre

Last semester my boyfriend lived 150 miles away so we went through this too. We did go from seeing each other every day to every weekend or every other weekend which doesn't seem that bad until it's you. Needless to say, we did alot of texting.

One of the things that I really love is getting random notes from Joe, and I did this to him too which is where he got the idea. When I was with him I'd sneak a note into his clothes or his backpack that he would find days later. It's very sweet and makes for a good day. I'd give it a try.

That and when you are talking, make it so you're actually talking to her and not just making small talk, I think that might be something that would bother her cause I know it bothered me.

Other than that what everyone else said.

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MexicanOnABike

am I the only one who read the thread title as "My GF is cuming in seconds" I was about to ask for tips! haha!

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Infinite_Loser

Same lol

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Terminal Frost

Well it sounds to me like you've got your life pretty together and have a lot of important things to take care of. In your case your girlfriend should be a source of support, not a source of stress!!

My girlfriend and I went from seeing each other every day to only once a month when she started college about 350 miles away from me. Since that period our relationship has only gotten stronger. I don't know how long it will last, but since we are both being challenged in school it is great to have somone to talk to at the end of the day and we both have no problem saying that we are too busy to talk to the other one. Does your girlfriend go to school or work? It seems like she's got too much free time on her hands, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it can cause a lot of stress when the other person is always busy.

It sounds to me like she needs more from you than you can give, which in this case is quite selfish because you're working very hard for a good future. If she can't get over that or find something else to do other than talk to you then I don't see this problem going away. Distance relationships can be hard emotionally, but overall I believe they can be very healthy. It's good to long for someone and it's also nice to feel fulfilled in your own accomplishments and set your own goals.

shoe

Thanks for the replies.

The thing is we do communicate almost daily but she is getting restless with the same ol' phone conversations i think. She keeps saying how things have changed which does'nt seem to enforce a positive future for my relationship. Maybe i am just too negative.

I've got to give it to her though. She is very good too me and to an extent i think she would just want me to reciprocate. I fully understand that, yet most of her attentions require cash to begin with. I think i just have to find the poor man's equivalent.

Also, i think she is pissed off that she had to tell me what she wanted me to do. The fact that i didn't spontaneously do it just to show my love is getting to her i think.

Bah. I'm getting a really weird vibe from her recently.

cheers.

kramus

You spent a lot of time doing a film shoot. Try making an online film with small snippets emailed each day - 5, 10, 20 second clips of you mulling things over, dreaming aloud, brainstorming . . . and email these snippets to your lady. I bet a cheap webcam would do the trick if you don't have anything better.
IMHO, any woman who is upset because your psychic powers aren't up to her standards of mind-reading/forecasting the future/spinning straw into gold . . . think real long and real hard about what that will mean in the long term. That is a huge alarm bell that you must have brought to your attention. Seriously, shoe, you should be very concerned about that.

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ASU2003

Maybe you should direct an 'adult' film shoot with you and her spending some quality time together.

Hey, he is the one that posted it in the sexuality forum.

savvypup

Hmm .... you can't have it all I guess. Maybe you can juggle it all, but maybe, something's gotta give. Perhaps you just need to forego something.

Think about what are your priorities. Because you certainly need time for yourself. If you can't give yourself that, you can't give it to someone else.

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ciao bella!

Supple Cow

I see how everybody is either pouncing on her or telling you to do stuff that is repetitive and/or time-consuming. I'm here to tell you about the single best weapon people in LDRs have: the letter.

It's possible that she is just ungrateful and demanding, but you should probably give her the benefit of the doubt first--maybe she doesn't even know herself what specifically would make her feel better about the situation, other than making it what it used to be. But you already know that that's not possible, right? You have to come up with a solution that works for both of you. If she has enough other things going on in her life (support systems like a school, a family, a group of friends, hobbies... these are all great networks) then she is really just asking you to make her feel close to you again. It seems like a tall order, but the letter is weapon number one in combating the feeling of separateness.

I read this great book about LDRs, which cited just about every study ever done on them that was worth two beans. A lot of it seemed like common sense to me. For instance, an LDR's chances of survival depend on factors that have nothing to do with distance - they are the same factors that make geographically close relationships successful, like trust, communication and constructive disagreements (to learn about each other). Then I read the one thing that I never would have thought about on my own: the letter.

Apparently, the letter has kept hundreds of LD couples together for as long as there was a postal service. This much seems obvious. War, separation, getting a letter to know that he is thinking about you and to know that he is alive - great! BUT, the shocker was that written letters have the same effect on LDRs even today, when we have all of this technology that allows us to communicate without the paper and without the delay.

I have tried this myself. You can talk to that girlfriend of yours six hours a day on the phone and I bet that at some point, she would still be complaining of the same lack of closeness to you. Six hours! You probably didn't even spend that kind of time together when you had a car. And still, she feels this nagging feeling of distance between you two. But letters allow you to focus on the good things, unlike phone conversations. How many phone calls have been derailed by using the wrong tone, or mentioning the wrong thing at the wrong time? A lot of them end in fights.

We automatically tend to view letters in a more favorable light. For one, it shows that you expended the effort and were thinking about her. More importantly, it gives her something to re-read whenever she needs or wants to. It gives her a stand-in you - your words. If she starts to really miss you but she knows that you are unreachable or too busy to interrupt, she can go read her letter and feel loved all over again - and no actual interaction with you is necessary. The best part about this is that a letter isn't expensive. You need paper, envelopes, a pen and some stamps. That's it! I guarantee you that one letter goes a long way. If you could even send her one letter a week, I bet that she would find more comfort in that than spending a whole lot more time on the phone or trying to be together while you need to be doing other things.




That said, if she doesn't like letters, she's inhuman and you should drop her.

mixedmedia

In my LDR we talk every night on the webcam. It is so much more fulfilling than phone calls, emails and instant messaging, all of which we do as well. I don't know what it is, but just being able to see him talking makes me feel less distant from him. It's a more definitive reminder of what it is like to be together. Plus we can send each music and pictures and surf the internet together...sending each other links, discussing things...and sometimes just sitting there for a minute and looking at each other without saying a word. 'Tis nice. I highly recommend it.

Letters would be nice, too, I might have to sit down and write one this week, SC

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abaya

Just chiming in to say that SC and MM know what they're talking about. A regular letter (with women, you can't go wrong with WORDS, especially hand written ones) and/or regular webcamming are tried and true. I also echo what healer said about . My husband and I survived 2 years of long distance and it wasn't fun... but you find ways to make it work. If you both want it to work, that is.

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mandy

^^^ that is too adorable, the way you said "my husband"...it must feel so awesome to say that after being together for so long and now finally married

anyway, that was just me going off the point for a bit and being all girly and marriagey

but, i can honestly say that there were times i thought healer and i would not make it at all. with all the fighting, mostly caused by all my insecurities, i really didn'nt think it would last.

but, he fought hard and so did i. we talked everyday. and with technology what it is today, there's no stopping you from talking and communicating all the time.

it meant the world to me that he tried as best he could to make me realise that he was always "coming home" to me. and i'm sure it will mean the world to her too.

you just need to fight. and i can promise you now that you'll get fed up with it and so will she...you will get lonely and so will she.

it makes me sad to know that there are people out there who go without their SO for so long. it breaks my heart to know that you guys are having so much trouble...mostly because i know how hard it is.

because, honestly, it shouldn't have to be that hard. am i right? but if you really mean the world to each other and really believe that you are meant to be together, then i don't see why your relationship won't grow stronger.

healer always used to tell me, even before he left, that this would be the foundation of our relationship and our love for one another...and back then, i thought he was talking a whole lot of bull because i couldn't see myself being without him...in fact, i still can't see myself without him, but now i see that he was actually quite wise in saying that and telling me that because now i believe that there is nothing that can tear us apart.

no matter how big or small the argument, no matter how long we go without speaking to each other because of that argument, i know we'll always get through it.

so, just hang in their love...i'll keep both you and your gf in my prayers and thoughts.

-mandy-

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