How would you react? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Timberwolf_80 · 08-31-2006, 09:34 AM

I was dating this girl for 6 years, we're in our early 20's, and obviously it was a serious relationship. We had been talking about marriage and all that for a while. At the 6 year mark I wasn't emotionally ready to move in with her and she didn't take it well...also I was being a jerk and making her feel bad about herself...so she was becoming distant...I was pushing her away, my fault.

So we continue seeing each other but something is wrong...she asks for a break. A break from everything she says, not specifically from me...she was going through a lot of other things too. During this time I realize that I've been pushing away this great girl that I want to spend the rest of my life with. So I get my act together and make everything alright and 6 months later we're engaged and living together. So I think everything is fine right? Well a few weeks after moving in together I stumble upon some chats she was having with guys online during our break...even some months before our break actually. There are at least two guys that I found where she told them she loved them after a few weeks to a month and ended up sending them hardcore pics of herself and even hardcore videos and live webcam sessions. I don't know if she was leading them on about wanting to meet them and loving them but these guys sounded genuinely head over heels for her. The guys thankfully live thousands of miles away. My girlfriend is by no means like this and this shocked me...it sounded to me like she was reaching out to someone to hear some nice things said about her...things she had wanted to hear from me. She was making rough plans to meet them too.

So we are really happy together right now and it looks like we will live happily ever after. And I'm ready to forget about it...I'm just kind of annoyed she just so easily (and actually dangerously) showed her body like that to some men. I really won't confront her with this...I've done my share of emotional abuse to her in this relationship so I will just call it even and move on...not to create any more turmoil. She still talks to one of them though and has never mentioned my existence to them, although she doesn't talk to him like she did before it still bothers me she talks to him like she's single. What would you do?

feelgood · 08-31-2006, 09:38 AM

You should bring it up with her. If you're gonna be spending the rest of your life with her, she should be sure if you're the right guy or not. From what you're saying, it sounds like she's having doubts. Talk to her before you find yourself in a situation before you realize that you've married the wrong person.

Sage · 08-31-2006, 09:45 AM

It doesn't really sound like she's having doubts, just... well like you said, she wanted someone to be nice to her because she wasn't getting that from you at the time.

That being said, TALK TO HER. The way to make any relationship work is to have open communication and total honesty. Don't accuse her of anything, just talk- make sure you have the whole story as to what went on.

Good luck!

Sultana · 08-31-2006, 09:47 AM

Sounds to me like she was exploring options while you guys were on break--which is *exactly* what breaks are for! She came back to you, so you know what she wants.

You could beat yourself up over it and say,"what if she wants to return to that kind of thing later on" and agonize over it, but frankly you could also fixate on "She never did anything wild--what if she wants to later on."

Sounds to me like she needed to try other options, explore herself, and it would seem she ended up deciding that wasn't for her. How can you know what's not for you if you never try anything different?

But if you are getting married, I think it would be good to talk to her about this and get it out before hand. Just remember that you were on break, she's an individual, independant adult.

freeload · 08-31-2006, 02:31 PM

It's easy to let your virtual self go too far without any real intentions of acting out on it. You've already gotten replies from far wiser people than me, but there's one thing that caught my eye.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Timberwolf_80

<....>Well a few weeks after moving in together I stumble upon some chats she was having with guys online during our break...even some months before our break actually. There are at least two guys that I found where she told them she loved them after a few weeks to a month and ended up sending them hardcore pics of herself and even hardcore videos and live web-cam sessions.<...> She still talks to one of them though and has never mentioned my existence to them, although she doesn't talk to him like she did before it still bothers me she talks to him like she's single.<...>

Stumbling over chat logs can happen to everyone, but you've read them all and continues to do so behind her back. To me that's a breach of trust and an invasion of her privacy. Sounds like you both need to come clean if you want do have a good level of communication.

Willravel · 08-31-2006, 03:16 PM

How do you stumble over chat logs?

Yes, it was wrong of her to be playing the field before the break. Yes, it was dangerous of her to send pics and vids of herself to strangers. And it's even worse that she's still doing it now that you're together. Despite all this, I'd let it go. That is unless you're planning on getting married. Marriage is something you do for the rest of your life (according to the vows), and it would be really sad if she fell back into this behavior again in the future, espically if you two had kids or something.

SAM821 · 08-31-2006, 03:18 PM

tough call dude... kind of a double edged sword. I definitely wouldnt go into a marrige with this looming in the back of your head. You need to approach her and ask her about this, but try not to go aggresively, show concern, but do your best to get the most honest answer as possible. I dont see this as a severe kind of cheating but it definitely isnt faithful (I would be hurt if it was me in your position). So with that said you gotta be sure that this is going to end (or already has ended), especially with her little online relationships, those things cant tempt bad things to happen...

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

08-31-2006, 09:34 AM	#1 (permalink)
Timberwolf_80 Upright	How would you react? I was dating this girl for 6 years, we're in our early 20's, and obviously it was a serious relationship. We had been talking about marriage and all that for a while. At the 6 year mark I wasn't emotionally ready to move in with her and she didn't take it well...also I was being a jerk and making her feel bad about herself...so she was becoming distant...I was pushing her away, my fault. So we continue seeing each other but something is wrong...she asks for a break. A break from everything she says, not specifically from me...she was going through a lot of other things too. During this time I realize that I've been pushing away this great girl that I want to spend the rest of my life with. So I get my act together and make everything alright and 6 months later we're engaged and living together. So I think everything is fine right? Well a few weeks after moving in together I stumble upon some chats she was having with guys online during our break...even some months before our break actually. There are at least two guys that I found where she told them she loved them after a few weeks to a month and ended up sending them hardcore pics of herself and even hardcore videos and live webcam sessions. I don't know if she was leading them on about wanting to meet them and loving them but these guys sounded genuinely head over heels for her. The guys thankfully live thousands of miles away. My girlfriend is by no means like this and this shocked me...it sounded to me like she was reaching out to someone to hear some nice things said about her...things she had wanted to hear from me. She was making rough plans to meet them too. So we are really happy together right now and it looks like we will live happily ever after. And I'm ready to forget about it...I'm just kind of annoyed she just so easily (and actually dangerously) showed her body like that to some men. I really won't confront her with this...I've done my share of emotional abuse to her in this relationship so I will just call it even and move on...not to create any more turmoil. She still talks to one of them though and has never mentioned my existence to them, although she doesn't talk to him like she did before it still bothers me she talks to him like she's single. What would you do?

08-31-2006, 09:38 AM	#2 (permalink)
feelgood Free Mars! Location: I dunno, there's white people around me saying "eh" all the time	You should bring it up with her. If you're gonna be spending the rest of your life with her, she should be sure if you're the right guy or not. From what you're saying, it sounds like she's having doubts. Talk to her before you find yourself in a situation before you realize that you've married the wrong person. __________________ Looking out the window, that's an act of war. Staring at my shoes, that's an act of war. Committing an act of war? Oh you better believe that's an act of war

08-31-2006, 09:45 AM	#3 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	It doesn't really sound like she's having doubts, just... well like you said, she wanted someone to be nice to her because she wasn't getting that from you at the time. That being said, TALK TO HER. The way to make any relationship work is to have open communication and total honesty. Don't accuse her of anything, just talk- make sure you have the whole story as to what went on. Good luck! __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

08-31-2006, 09:47 AM	#4 (permalink)
Sultana Falling Angel Location: L.A. L.A. land	Sounds to me like she was exploring options while you guys were on break--which is exactly what breaks are for! She came back to you, so you know what she wants. You could beat yourself up over it and say,"what if she wants to return to that kind of thing later on" and agonize over it, but frankly you could also fixate on "She never did anything wild--what if she wants to later on." Sounds to me like she needed to try other options, explore herself, and it would seem she ended up deciding that wasn't for her. How can you know what's not for you if you never try anything different? But if you are getting married, I think it would be good to talk to her about this and get it out before hand. Just remember that you were on break, she's an individual, independant adult. __________________ "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - Matt Groening My goal? To fulfill my potential.

08-31-2006, 03:16 PM	#6 (permalink)
Willravel ... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.	How do you stumble over chat logs? Yes, it was wrong of her to be playing the field before the break. Yes, it was dangerous of her to send pics and vids of herself to strangers. And it's even worse that she's still doing it now that you're together. Despite all this, I'd let it go. That is unless you're planning on getting married. Marriage is something you do for the rest of your life (according to the vows), and it would be really sad if she fell back into this behavior again in the future, espically if you two had kids or something.

08-31-2006, 03:18 PM	#7 (permalink)
SAM821 Surviving Hurricanes Location: Miami, Florida	tough call dude... kind of a double edged sword. I definitely wouldnt go into a marrige with this looming in the back of your head. You need to approach her and ask her about this, but try not to go aggresively, show concern, but do your best to get the most honest answer as possible. I dont see this as a severe kind of cheating but it definitely isnt faithful (I would be hurt if it was me in your position). So with that said you gotta be sure that this is going to end (or already has ended), especially with her little online relationships, those things cant tempt bad things to happen... Good luck and let us know how it goes!