Falling out of love? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

visotech · 04-14-2006, 03:18 PM

Have you ever fallen out of love with someone who still loves you? Have you ever had to fall out of love with someone after a breakup? Anyone care to tell me of the hardships, positives and their experiences? I recently got dumped (well maybe a less vicious word here) by my former gf who basically put it as she "fell out of love" with me. Here I am, still loving her very much - just wanted to hear from some others who have been in my shoes, and how they got over things.

Lindy · 04-14-2006, 06:14 PM

I haven't posted for a while, don't even know how long it has been. I've been where you are, visotech. I've been on both ends of that stick. I got married at eighteen to a guy nine years older. I was so much in love my heart was just bursting. Three years later we divorced. He was bright, good looking, great sense of humor, could actually talk, was a skilled and spirited lover, my family even liked him, BUT (of course there's a but..or I'd still be with such a guy, right???) even at age thirty just couldn't/wouldn't play the role of an adult. He was insanely jealous and insecure--with no reason to be either. He made good money, but was incredibly irresponsible financially--again with no reason. We could have a couple thousand in the bank, but he wouldn't get around to paying the bills 'til we had late charges and nasty letters. Would he let me--a naturally detail oriented person--pay the bills? Noooooo, of course not. He did few drugs, but drank daily and excessively. Sometimes he'd stay out all night, come home in the morning ready (and capable) for sex, so I don't think he was cheating, and the sex was the one part of the relationship that was always good.
Which was what kept me stuck on this guy even after the divorce. We really knew which buttons to push for each other. I just took time to get over him, and I don't mean to just bash my ex, but Jeez, (I bash myself here) here I was graduating from college, and still stuck on this guy that was for all practical purposes, a thirty year old high school kid. I think now (looking back) that although he said he still loved me, I was mostly convenient sex. Well, so was he. I kept putting out (hate that term) he kept coming back. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
This is getting long-winded. Anyway, his job finally took him out of town, and I started dating some of the other guys that had been asking me out. I've always had plenty of "suitors" (I have magnets on my chest) and not all of them were better, but at least they were different. My advice to help get over her?? Instead of thinking how much you miss her, just dwell on all her flaws and defects. If I'd done that, I'd have gotten over him sooner. I'm serious here--flaws are like a**holes, nipples, or armpits--everybody has 'em. You know what her's are. It might help you start to realize that somebody else might be better--or at least different.
Lindy

Miss Ina · 04-14-2006, 10:14 PM

I've fallen out of love with people, and I've had someone fall out of love with me. The former is much easier!

When you're the person who is doing the breaking up, the best thing to do is not to allow any attempts by your recent ex to coax you into sympathy physical activities. Questions such as "Can we still cuddle?" must be responded to with a firm No. The other person still has feelings for you and may appeal to your sympathetic side, saying that it will help them get over it (which it won't) or that it will make them feel better (won't do that either, it just drags it out).

When you're the one getting broken up with, try to take some time away from that person. It's hard, but it's important to spend time apart to try to grasp the situation as fully as possible. It's also important because it speeds up the getting-over-it process; spending a lot of time together -- "We're still really good friends!" -- will not help anything, and will only make you miss them more because you will miss being able to do all the things you used to be able to do. You also have to accept the fact that they have pretty much gotten over you already, so taking time apart from them to get over them is the best way to try to "catch up".

savvypup · 04-16-2006, 12:35 AM

Been on both sides too.

On breaking up with someone who loves me - I'm not a year and a half into a do we/ do we not get back together with my husband and it's been the most dreadful year and a half of my life. I still love him, but I have reservations (for reasons unbeknown to me) Don't get emotionally involved with anyone else until your head is clear is my advice - wish I told myself this a year and a half ago.

On getting over someone who doesn't love you anymore - keep occupied, although very hard to do as you probably just want to bury your head in the sand. And avoild any place where they may frequent.

First day is always the hardest .... Good Luck!

Miss Ina · 04-16-2006, 12:34 PM

Yeah, every day gets easier. Try not to get hung up on thinking about whether you might get back together with them, or scheming about ways to get them to love you again. If they do develop feelings for you again, well, que sera sera; there's nothing you can do to make that happen. The best thing you can do for yourself is to try to keep yourself sane, [as] happy [as possible], and occupied with all the things you loved to do before you knew her.

visotech · 04-16-2006, 04:56 PM

Thanks for the advice guys/gals. In terms of going back to the way I usedto do things before her, its kinda tough. I got with her when i graduated highschool, and she has been with me up through 2.5 years of college. The college/highschool transition is a turning point in anyones life, so its weird for me to go back to what i was before, im kind of stuck in some intermediate state.

I saw a poll online where people were pretty much split in the idea that not seeing your ex for a long time will help you get over it, so im a little confused. We were good friends before the relationship, and I have known her as a friend since 7th grade (now im a 3rd year in college), it would kill both of us to loose that friendship. We live in the same town and go to the same college now, and our friends are the same people, i would feel horrible to not see her for a long time, and she too likewise (we talked about it).

snowy · 04-16-2006, 05:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by visotech

I saw a poll online where people were pretty much split in the idea that not seeing your ex for a long time will help you get over it, so im a little confused. We were good friends before the relationship, and I have known her as a friend since 7th grade (now im a 3rd year in college), it would kill both of us to loose that friendship. We live in the same town and go to the same college now, and our friends are the same people, i would feel horrible to not see her for a long time, and she too likewise (we talked about it).

Yeah, but for the sake of your long-term friendship, taking a break from each other for a little while post-breakup would be good for both of you. Staying away from the person you've broken up with/been dumped by helps give you a bit of perspective about the person, the relationship, and why it ended. You'll both need time to heal before you can REALLY be just friends again. Give yourself a month or two away from each other, THEN work on being friends. Until then, your old feelings will interfere. With a bit of distance, you both can come back and rediscover the friendship you had before you started dating.

Miss Ina · 04-16-2006, 07:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by onesnowyowl

You'll both need time to heal before you can REALLY be just friends again. Give yourself a month or two away from each other, THEN work on being friends. Until then, your old feelings will interfere. With a bit of distance, you both can come back and rediscover the friendship you had before you started dating.

Exactly. No one's going to tell you you can't try to be friends again, but trying to get "back to normal" before you're over her will only make you miss being with her more, especially if you try to spend time together in person -- she's there, yet you can't kiss her or touch her like you used to.

You two were together for a long time. It'll take a while to get over your feelings for her. Give yourself as long as you need, and don't let anybody pressure you either way. This is all about you.

04-14-2006, 03:18 PM	#1 (permalink)
visotech Insane Location: San Diego, CA	Falling out of love? Have you ever fallen out of love with someone who still loves you? Have you ever had to fall out of love with someone after a breakup? Anyone care to tell me of the hardships, positives and their experiences? I recently got dumped (well maybe a less vicious word here) by my former gf who basically put it as she "fell out of love" with me. Here I am, still loving her very much - just wanted to hear from some others who have been in my shoes, and how they got over things.

04-14-2006, 06:14 PM	#2 (permalink)
Lindy Junkie	I haven't posted for a while, don't even know how long it has been. I've been where you are, visotech. I've been on both ends of that stick. I got married at eighteen to a guy nine years older. I was so much in love my heart was just bursting. Three years later we divorced. He was bright, good looking, great sense of humor, could actually talk, was a skilled and spirited lover, my family even liked him, BUT (of course there's a but..or I'd still be with such a guy, right???) even at age thirty just couldn't/wouldn't play the role of an adult. He was insanely jealous and insecure--with no reason to be either. He made good money, but was incredibly irresponsible financially--again with no reason. We could have a couple thousand in the bank, but he wouldn't get around to paying the bills 'til we had late charges and nasty letters. Would he let me--a naturally detail oriented person--pay the bills? Noooooo, of course not. He did few drugs, but drank daily and excessively. Sometimes he'd stay out all night, come home in the morning ready (and capable) for sex, so I don't think he was cheating, and the sex was the one part of the relationship that was always good. Which was what kept me stuck on this guy even after the divorce. We really knew which buttons to push for each other. I just took time to get over him, and I don't mean to just bash my ex, but Jeez, (I bash myself here) here I was graduating from college, and still stuck on this guy that was for all practical purposes, a thirty year old high school kid. I think now (looking back) that although he said he still loved me, I was mostly convenient sex. Well, so was he. I kept putting out (hate that term) he kept coming back. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. This is getting long-winded. Anyway, his job finally took him out of town, and I started dating some of the other guys that had been asking me out. I've always had plenty of "suitors" (I have magnets on my chest) and not all of them were better, but at least they were different. My advice to help get over her?? Instead of thinking how much you miss her, just dwell on all her flaws and defects. If I'd done that, I'd have gotten over him sooner. I'm serious here--flaws are like a*holes, nipples, or armpits--everybody has 'em. You know what her's are. It might help you start to realize that somebody else might be better--or at least different. Lindy Last edited by Lindy; 07-27-2006 at 08:32 PM..*

04-14-2006, 10:14 PM	#3 (permalink)
Miss Ina Tilted Location: Halifax	I've fallen out of love with people, and I've had someone fall out of love with me. The former is much easier! When you're the person who is doing the breaking up, the best thing to do is not to allow any attempts by your recent ex to coax you into sympathy physical activities. Questions such as "Can we still cuddle?" must be responded to with a firm No. The other person still has feelings for you and may appeal to your sympathetic side, saying that it will help them get over it (which it won't) or that it will make them feel better (won't do that either, it just drags it out). When you're the one getting broken up with, try to take some time away from that person. It's hard, but it's important to spend time apart to try to grasp the situation as fully as possible. It's also important because it speeds up the getting-over-it process; spending a lot of time together -- "We're still really good friends!" -- will not help anything, and will only make you miss them more because you will miss being able to do all the things you used to be able to do. You also have to accept the fact that they have pretty much gotten over you already, so taking time apart from them to get over them is the best way to try to "catch up". __________________ The word "time" split its husk; poured its riches over him; and from his lips fell like shells, like shavings from a plane, without his making them, hard, white, imperishable words, and flew to attach themselves to their places in an ode to Time; an immortal ode to Time. —Virginia Woolf, Mrs Dalloway

04-16-2006, 12:35 AM	#4 (permalink)
savvypup Crazy Location: Want to run away? Follow the light	Been on both sides too. On breaking up with someone who loves me - I'm not a year and a half into a do we/ do we not get back together with my husband and it's been the most dreadful year and a half of my life. I still love him, but I have reservations (for reasons unbeknown to me) Don't get emotionally involved with anyone else until your head is clear is my advice - wish I told myself this a year and a half ago. On getting over someone who doesn't love you anymore - keep occupied, although very hard to do as you probably just want to bury your head in the sand. And avoild any place where they may frequent. First day is always the hardest .... Good Luck! __________________ ciao bella!

04-16-2006, 12:34 PM	#5 (permalink)
Miss Ina Tilted Location: Halifax	Yeah, every day gets easier. Try not to get hung up on thinking about whether you might get back together with them, or scheming about ways to get them to love you again. If they do develop feelings for you again, well, que sera sera; there's nothing you can do to make that happen. The best thing you can do for yourself is to try to keep yourself sane, [as] happy [as possible], and occupied with all the things you loved to do before you knew her. __________________ The word "time" split its husk; poured its riches over him; and from his lips fell like shells, like shavings from a plane, without his making them, hard, white, imperishable words, and flew to attach themselves to their places in an ode to Time; an immortal ode to Time. —Virginia Woolf, Mrs Dalloway

04-16-2006, 04:56 PM	#6 (permalink)
visotech Insane Location: San Diego, CA	Thanks for the advice guys/gals. In terms of going back to the way I usedto do things before her, its kinda tough. I got with her when i graduated highschool, and she has been with me up through 2.5 years of college. The college/highschool transition is a turning point in anyones life, so its weird for me to go back to what i was before, im kind of stuck in some intermediate state. I saw a poll online where people were pretty much split in the idea that not seeing your ex for a long time will help you get over it, so im a little confused. We were good friends before the relationship, and I have known her as a friend since 7th grade (now im a 3rd year in college), it would kill both of us to loose that friendship. We live in the same town and go to the same college now, and our friends are the same people, i would feel horrible to not see her for a long time, and she too likewise (we talked about it).