doncalypso

Ladies and gentlemen of TFP:

I assume most of you know that there has been an ongoing debate in the American education system about whether middle and high school students should be taught about sex exclusively from their parents or whether some of a child's sexual education should be provided at school. I personally believe that while school should teach children some basics about sex (such as the physiology of sex and reproduction) that parents ought to take a more proactive role in teaching their kids about sex.

However, while this whole debate is going on about sex, one thing I'm curious to know is whether parents in North America (and maybe worldwide) teach their kids anything about love, romance and relationships.


My parents are both medical doctors, and from an early age they told me all I needed to know about sex and refined my knowledge as I grew older and could understand more complex concepts such as fertilization and embryonic implantation. However, I don't remember them telling me much about relationships and dating.

From what I can recall, my father always told me to treat a woman with respect, and my mother always warned me not to be inconsiderate and break a woman's heart. Also, I was always warned to make certain I never let any relationship take precedence over my academic studies but I was never given a lengthy "talk" about relationships with women in general.

So what about you out there, ladies and gents of TFP? Did your parents ever educate you on relationships with the opposite sex? Were you ever given any advice prior to engaging in romantic relationships or did you have to earn your PhD in opposite gender relations from the University of Hard Knocks? If you were in your parents' shoes, what would you tell your children about relating to the opposite sex as they grew up? Would you place their romantic education on par with their sex education?

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ColonelSpecial

Interesting question. My parents never sat me down and that "THE TALK" :cue ominous music:. They did provide a stunning example of a healthy relationship. I knew from watching them and talking with them that a couple will fight but that the love in their relationship was greater than whatever they were talking about. As my sister started dating, they laid out the ground rules of how to act properly in a relationship. I am just now starting to date (I am 23) and so I am figuring out a lot on my own but whenever I have a question about anything on that topic, I can think back to how my parents would have solved it.

I think that sex education needs to be brought out into the spotlight more so then it has been so far. Right now, the physical act of sex is kept seperate from the emotional/spiritual act of sex. Both sides are necessary for a healthy sex life. I think this is true whether you choose to have sex for the first time at 16 or wait until after marriage. If I have children, I will teach them that sex is a whole-being activity and should be shown a loving attitude. We are doing a disservice to our children by not educating them early about what their body is and how it connects with the rest of them.

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ratbastid

My parents taught me a lot about honest, loving relationships. And to tell the truth, I can't remember ever sitting down and having a talk about how to make relationships work. I learned it by watching them. They've been married for going on 40 years, and they're as visibly in love with one another as any couple I know. Damn inspiring.

World's King

They gave me advice after I fucked up. But for the most part I just slept around.

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Carno

I never asked for and never received any advice about love and relationships. I have many older brothers and sisters though, so most of what I learned was from observing them.

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Martian

My parents divorced when I was three. You figure it out.

Mum wasn't much to talk about that sort of thing growing up.

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VirFighter

My parents never really talked about this with me, I primarily learned through my numerous failures.

The one piece of my Dad gave me on my 15th bday was not to be a jerk to girls/women and treat them with the utmost respect. I've taken that to heart and its probably why my success in high school wasn't as good as some. It's working out for me pretty well now though.

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ASU2003

When I was 13 or 14, I went to the library and tried to figure out what it was in books. I saw some pictures, but when you don't know what you are looking for, it is tough. Then came the Internet. I have seen quite a bit of stuff on here to know what goes on. I never knew how relationships really worked until I started reading message boards like this when I was 23.

I have zero experience in relationships and very little in talking to girls. I still don't know what I am doing.

My parents pretty much failed when it came to talking about it. Now, I get back at them by making them wonder if I'm gay. (Not that there is anything wrong with that). But, they are the born-again Christian type. And, I wouldn't have put it past them to actively do things to prevent me from getting into relationships. They had me get braces, said negative things to me and not give me advice about how to attract girls, so I wouldn't have sex.

Charlatan

My parents divorced when I was six months old. I was raised by my Mom and didn't (memory-wise) meet my Dad until I was 9 or 10. As a result my Dad never gave me any advice or "the talk".

My Mom never gave me "the talk" either. BUT she did give me lots of advice on how to treat women. I also got to witness "what not to do" by watching the various boyfirends my Mom had over the years.

I seem to have learned well as I have been married for 13 years this year and have been together for 19. As someone pointed out, I am still having a love affair with my wife...

In fact, I am currently having wine and cheese with her and working on seducing her... so I must go.

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abaya

Charlatan, you are awesome. I love hearing about relationships like yours... and I hope that ktspktsp and I will be seducing each other over wine and cheese (among other things) for many years to come. I also enjoyed hearing about Ratbastid's parents... You give us hope!

Meanwhile, as to the question at hand: I learned mostly what NOT to do from my parents, who were in fact never married (well, my mom and stepdad, after my genetic dad died before I was born) and had conflict with each other pretty much every day that I can remember. There were a few happy days in there, but otherwise... yeah. They never really taught me anything directly, and if they tried, I usually tried as hard as I could to ignore it (e.g. Mom telling me to hate men, etc).

I spent my whole life absorbing unhealthy habits from my family, and for the last few years have been working damn hard to get them out from under my skin before they do any more damage. It helps to have a wonderful, patient partner who loves me through it all (something my parents didn't show me).

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Charlatan

This is a big tool in my, "how to teach my kids toolbox."

That said, I have already had the sex talk with my son and, despite his embarassment, I continue to remind him about condoms and sex and responsibility (ever six months or so rather than everyday... that would be just gross).

PS: I continue to post as my wife is chatting with our son who is at his grandfather's cottage... let me say this, kids can really throw a spanner in the works as far as a good seduction is concerned...

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Grasshopper Green

The whole of my sex/love education can be summed up thusly, as this is what my mom told me when I got my first boyfriend in high school "All boys want is sex and if you get pregnant, I'm not raising it". Granted, she was severely abused as a child, and her views of sex were skewed accordingly. I don't know why my dad never took it upon himself to teach me anything.

I honestly don't remember where I learned the mechanics of sex, but it definitely wasn't from my parents. I also learned what NOT to do in a relationship by watching theirs. I've definitely made some mistakes, but hubby and I have been together for ten years, so I guess I haven't screwed up too badly...

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snowy

My folks haven't been married nearly as long, but by watching them I've learned what works and what doesn't. It's been incredibly helpful. My mom has also always been a good source of advice. Some of it I listen to more, some of it less. Either way, my parents have been a good source of information through the years.

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ubertuber

I didn't really have an option to vote for - my parents have given me a wonderful example of long-lasting love. It's been especially nice to see their relationship being rejuvenated as my sister and I have gotten older. I can see them falling more in love all the time.

That said, my path isn't really going to be their exact path - there are lots of other differences between us that ensure that's the case. What little I know I've learned by finding my way, and usually through trial and multiple errors. So while I know that my way will be different from that of my parents, I take heart and gain faith from seeing them.

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MSD

All I ever heard about sex and sexuality was from my mother's telling me that people do it because it feels good, but they shouldn't because it's sinful. My dad was fairly quiet on the subject, although I treasure his piece of advice he gave me one day when my mom wasn't around, shortly after he revealed that he and my mom were regular pot smokers and had plants growing in the basement until shortly after my mom got pregnant, rather than the "tried it once" that she had claimed. He simply said, "I don't like your mother's attitude that keeps you from having much of a social life. Don't waste time and money on drugs, go out and get laid, although it's too bad you have to be so careful these days."

I consider myself permanently scarred and relationship-challenged by the nutty religious teachings of my mother. I've never been in a relationship, and I learned everythign I know by hearing it from others or figuring it out myself.

oberon

My parents never said much about love or relationships, other than that they were important. My grandparents occasionally nag me about getting a girlfriend. I figured most of what I think I know by observing others. Although I have had some pretty strong relationships, none of them became serious.

I should add that my parents and my grandparents have strong relationships themselves (25 years and 65 years, respectively). They are quite an inspiration and I hope to achieve the same level of success they've enjoyed. Kind of strange though that none of them ever really talked to me. I guess people find it hard to relate this sort of thing to their children.

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analog

I never got "the talk" from my parents about sex, love, anything. I have no idea why. My brother never did, either, and he's 3 years younger than me.

So, no, I never got any kind of "training" on love or relationships... but I think I do just fine.

Toaster126

Some of the most important subjects of our lives are relating to love and relationships. Parents would be well served if they actually shared experiences and feelings on the "tough" topics, instead of being too scared to touch them. Who better to teach us the important stuff than our parents? I bet we would have kids acting more responsible, like a reduction of teen pregnancies and whatnot.

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MexicanOnABike

ya me neither. but i think it would have helped a bit more just to get started. i was soo shy that i only thought of dating in college.

but everything i know about sex/etc. i learned on TV or the internet. good role model eh? and no, i'm not trying everything i see in porn! ha

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ShaniFaye

My father told me when I was 18 that men indeed cannot read a womans mind and that with any guy Im with I need to communicate what I want/need and not waste either mine or my guy time by expecting him to automatically KNOW. My mother told me to never let a man walk all over me, that there was a difference between compromising and being a doormat

that was the extent of my "love and romance" education from my parents

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guthmund

Me neither.

No sex talk, no romance talk...just a whole lot of not talking in my house growing up.

I don't think they were afraid to broach the subject. I just think they were wrapped up in their own shit and just didn't want to bother with it.

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rhaevyn

I never had "the talk" with my parents. I learned about sex in school, from peers and sex ed, and from accidentally finding my brother's porn on our computer.

My parents were and are, however, a nice example of a good, healthy relationship, at least outwardly.

Having no personal romantic experience of my own, I watch and talk with my friends and older siblings. My older brother and sister are each happily married, and my other brother is in a serious relationship.

So yeah, I guess I just learn through my powers of observation. I don't much talk about relationship-related stuff with my parents because they like to forget the fact that I am a woman, and yet I like women.

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