doncalypso

Maybe if women stopped going after taken men that would help towards reducing the incidence of infidelity in marriage and relationships.

Women need to understand that just because a guy is single doesn't mean there's something wrong with him, and they need to understand that if a man is already in a relaitonship that he's off-limits.

__________________
Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

Blackthorn

It's also the reason that the female wingman strategy has been so popular. Not that I've had much success with that mind you...but I'm told it's been known to open a few doors that would otherwise have remained Fort Knox closed.

__________________
What are you willing to give up in order to get what you want?

smooth

I can't help but wonder if you are Anny [woman], Anny, [male homosexual], or (husband of) Anny because you just prefaced some advice to a single male with the word "easy" that, remembering back to my single times, would be anything but

__________________
"The theory of a free press is that truth will emerge from free discussion, not that it will be presented perfectly and instantly in any one account." -- Walter Lippmann

"You measure democracy by the freedom it gives its dissidents, not the freedom it gives its assimilated conformists." -- Abbie Hoffman

Vaultboy

Safer candidates for what exactly?

In my experience women indeed let their guard down more when dealing with a guy in a relationship, but that's not really the issue here. Its that women notice and flirt more with more when said men are in relationship. If you flirt with a guy who you know is in a relationship, what exactly are your intentions? If you are flirting with a guy just because he's "safe" and you want to entertain yourself (since its not going anywhere), you're being selfish at the very least. Or is the issue here that YOU get an ego boost when you get attention from a guy in a committed realtionship?


I have to say that even just walking around in the Mall with my GF I get a lot more attention and approving looks from girls just passing by than I ever did before or when I'm in the Mall by myself. Yes it is an ego boost, but it also pisses me off, because I remember how difficult it was to get that sort of attention when I was single, and I'm generally less concerned with my appearance now than when I was single. I also get a lot more pointless conversation and flirting from women when we go out. Women need to realise that women are the primary reason men cheat, so you need to act responsibly. Go flirt with the single guys. Most of them would appreciate the odd ego boost.

The flipside of this is that at work, when I'm on a project with a women and I see that she is very guarded, I casually mention a few things about my girlfriend and our relationship, which normally eases the tension and makes the working environment easier. It also conveniently avoids potential for flirting.

__________________
"Failing tastes of bile and dog vomit. Pity any man that gets used to that taste."

irseg

It's all about people wanting what they can't have. I've always noticed this, but what really drove the point home was when I came out of the closet.

When I was the "straight" guy who mysteriously never had any girlfriends, it was rather rare for a girl to be interested in me.

Since I came out a few months ago, they've been all over me. The most notable incidents were a married girl who wanted to have a fling with me, and another girl who actually wanted to *marry* me.

People are so weird.

thed00t

It's pretty simple.

The majority of the time it's usually one of a few cases (but not limited to just these):

1. Number one, and most likely, is that she is just being friendly. Most girls won't be that friendly (as in touching hugging) when you are single if they just want to be friends. Girls know that hugging/touching/over friendly single guys can ruin the plutonic relationship because the single guy usually can't help but start feeling sexually attracted when the girl hugs/touches. When you're taken, they can be friendly without fear of starting something. Single girls often feel more comfortable around guys in relationship because they don't have to be "on guard" all the time.

2. The girl likes you because she see's how you treat your girl and wants that.

3. She's the jealous type and likes you more because you're already taken.

Either way, it can be hard to tell. But as long as you treat her like a friend, she'll either respect your relationship, or make her intentions known in some way, which may be completely subtle to you.

But my guess still on #1. She is an outgoing touchy feely girl and likes you as a friend and doesn't have to worry about sending the wrong signals when you are already taken.

Toaster126

That's bonkers. People ARE so weird.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

World's King

Chris Rock said it best...

A guy will bring his girlfriend around to meet his friend, and when they leave, the friend will say to himself "She was nice, I need a girl like that." A woman will bring her boyfriend around to meet her friend, and when they leave, the friend will say "He was nice, I need that man."

__________________
heavy is the head that wears the crown

joemc91

Haha, that's such a great quote from Chris Rock. I've noticed that if I have a girl, I'm generally more confident and more myself, since I'm not trying to attract a girl. I've noticed this with a lot of guys. It seems like when one is on the hunt, some guys (myself included) give off this vibe, maybe a lack of confidence vibe, maybe the way we hold ourselves.

__________________
I prefer desert wines to dessert wines.

Dry and red

blizzak

Or because they think you should only ever be friends. Or they are all taken. Or they all want in your pants. In that case, what are you waiting for?

Because straight guys who become friends with girls tend to veer towards wanting relationships, it's only natural. And this is what the girls have experienced in the past. You hang out with someone because you like the qualities they have. If they're of the opposite sex, you start to relate these qualities with ones you would like to have in a lover. I'd say that most girls only want to become friends with single guys if they're interested in them. Or they're already friends with you because you are longstanding childhood friends. It's just much less of a hassle for them to not be on guard all the time with people that they could never see having a relationship with. Of course, this does lead to the fact that they are not open minded, or not willing to put any effort into starting relationships, or they let a guy's "confidence" hide his undesirable traits. This is a very bad situation...maybe if more girls took a proactive approach in this respect we'd see a lot less of them being emotionally shattered by jerks.

THAT, is the best solution to this whole problem. I think we as men should start being more laid back and cool, doing what we want and being ourselves (remembering that balance is a key part of life!), but remembering that it's always fun to try new things. This seems to be the only way we can start relationships out on the right foot. Eventually the balance would shift and the girls would be the ones on the prowl, since every 5 seconds they weren't being hit on. When's the last time you saw a confident girl, start pursuing a reserved quiet guy because he's cute and mysterious? We are all products of our environment.

Of course, perhaps the solution is for us all to just act ourselves all the time. But this cannot work because not everyone will give in, there will always be those trying to manipulate the situation. All's fair in love and war I suppose.

__________________
Fueled by oxytocin!

little_tippler

I must be the exception because taken men put me off. They are taken so I just can't look at them as having boyfriend potential. I wish there was some way you could tell which guys are taken and which aren't, it would make life a lot easier.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Poppinjay

Well, obviously, as you said the taken ones put you off. So that's how you know they're taken.

__________________
I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

JustJess

It comes down to something pretty simple whether you're the girl or the guy:

We can smell the desperation.

And when you're taken, you're no longer looking/on the prowl and the tension is removed from the relationship for the most part.
BTW - not all women think of taken men as a buffet - but the stereotype exists for a reason.

__________________
My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

Poppinjay

That rings very true, IMHO. And it doesn't matter if you're taken or not. I met my SO within a month of moving back to the east coast, when I was busy settling in and totally not looking for a relationship. She met me when she was moving down the coast, was busy setting in, and totally not looking for a relationship.

I know it always sounds trite, but you have to be in a state of not looking in order to find somebody beyond a fling.

__________________
I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

Toaster126

Very Swingers-esque (the movie). Yet true.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Astrocloud

I think it's the case of "Pre Approved Credit". If you are good enough for Visa -then you must be good enough for American Express.

Women can also get into territorial disputes over men. I've seen this... it's not pretty.

little_tippler

Haha very funny

The taken ones put me off, when I know they are taken, and not before. How do I usually know, without ESP? They're with a girl at that moment who presents herself as their girlfriend, they tell me they are, they have a ring that indicates they are married. But what I meant was, how do I know, just by looking at them? Right now I don't.

I can't tell. If you put one guy in front of me who is taken and another who is not, then I don't think I can tell just from their face. Can you?

JustJess, what do you mean about smelling the desperation? I don't see why all single men have to "smell" desperate. And why should they be desperate anyway? I don't like to hear that word associated with being single at all.

I'm single and while I'd love to meet someone new, I'm quite happy on my own. Also, I don't think I will ever feel desperate about being single, because in my mind, I only want to be with someone if it feels right, and if it doesn't happen, I guess I'm better off that way than with someone just so I won't be "alone".

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

JustJess

I just mean that (whether it's man or woman) when you're looking, you're looking, and you give off a vibe of hey I'm looking. And plenty of the time, the other person senses that and is turned off.

Of course, just as often, that can lead to something amusing as well... for both parties.

I would never imply that there's anything wrong with being single and enjoying that life, and I'm sorry if I did! Hell, I maybe sometimes might be a little envious! (just kidding, quadro, i love you heehee everything's fine HAPPY FAMILY!!)

__________________
My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

SERPENT7

This is a self-perpetuating situation. No woman will take the risk of being 'too' open with a guy, because experience has taught her that he WILL misinterpret her intentions, and end up acting like a total horn-dog. This is not 100% accurate, as there are some of us out there that have self-control, and can seperate love from sex, butr it is true enough for most women.

Most guys don't even bother telling a woman that 'i just wanna be friends' for 3 reasons:
1) ALL guys try to come off as the friends-first guy, even if they are a total horn-dog. And who wants to be that guy. I mean really.
2) Some women will see that kind of declaration as a tacit rejection of thier sexuality/identity.
3) It makes subsequent sexual attraction very akward.

Also, this dynamic becomes less relevant as you get older. the 18-25 set is VERY sensitive to the whole single-and-looking Vs TAKEN spectrum, but age gives men a certain amount of self control, (Hormones are on the decline) and as a result, women expect thier behavior to be...less desperate, for lack of a better way to articulate it. As a result, they are more open....but not until all parties concerned are out of the raging 20's!

dolly dagger

Kind of off the topic, I find it disrepectful to my partner to be too touchy-feely with my male friends and I would hope my partner keeps those boundaries as well. Hugs are o.k any further flirtation is not.