Catdaddy33

We have a 11 year old daughter (only child) that is a responsible enough for a kid her age. We have decided to test the waters, by leaving her alone while we run out to get a video, or quick trips to the store, and slowly expand that time.

We laid down several rules: don't answer the phone, no internet, don't call your friends. We have an alarm system, and live in a good neighborhood, so I'm not concerned about that. I've checked the computer and she hasn't turned it on when we are gone, so far..

Is this too young? I think my folks left me alone when I was 13, but I was somewhat of a troublemaker. My wife and I want to go to the gym together which will be over an hour, but waivering on leaving her alone that long.

shakran

Since you're slowly expanding the time you're leaving her, it's probably not a bad idea assuming the gym isn't far away. She's still young enough that even if she's responsible and good, she might accidentally set fire to something

Also while you're weaning her from constant parental presence keep in mind that she could get scared - I remember I did the first time my mom left me for an hour.

And make sure she knows your cell #

ngdawg

I started weaning my kids from the 'get in the car' times when they were 9-going to the convenience store-11 minutes back and forth. Then after about a year, I would leave them as I went to the grocery store for 45 minutes or so.
I set the same rules-no phone, no door and no cooking, etc. 11 is not too young at all if she's a decent enough bright child (I know some 12 year olds that can't be left alone because they act like they're 5). It's really a matter of trust that she'll be responsible. Now that my kids are 13, we can go somewhere for a day and not worry about them fending for themselves.

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raeanna74

11 years old is a good age to begin doing what you are doing with her. I would not leave her responsible for any younger children of course until she is older and possibly till she's had a babysitting course. Also another rule you could/should set is that she not have friends over without prior permission. Kids of that age are followers in a lot of ways and two at that age could really get themselves into a LOT of trouble quickly. Double trouble.

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Charlatan

With the start of this school year my 11-year-old son is now officially a latch key kid. He goes to school and leaves school by himself (mostly he walks with friends but you get the idea).

I've had no problem leaving him alone while I went to the store or the like for the last year or so. Starting this summer past, I encouraged him to take Public transit by himself to my office downtown and spending more time at home alone.

This is the end of the first week of school and all seems to be proceeding just fine.


As for me, I started taking public transit by myself and going to and from school (which required that I take public transit) at the age of 8 or 9. Of course this was in the late 70s.

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vanblah

I was 7 (1976-77) when my parents starting leaving me home alone ... it really depends on the kid. I know some 15-year-olds that I wouldn't let out of my sight.

Go with your instinct ... you know your child best.

Everyone remembers their childhood as an innocent time. The 1970's were really no less scary than the 2000's. We just have a sensationalized media to fuel our fears now.

Charlatan

I completely agree with this... I only mentioned it for that reason.

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Catdaddy33

I think we are going to try it this weekend, funny thing, we seem to be more nervous than she will be.

Back in the 70s, there was only 5-6 channels of TV and no uncut movies, no internet, they only way to communicate outside the house was the phone. Now we have 200+ channels 25 are HBO & Starz, not to mention On-Demand, and if that wasn't enough sex and violence there's the internet not to mention IM and e-mail. Back in the 70s my parents mainly feared that I would burn the house down, add in what we have now, I would leave myself alone until I was 18. Not scary...just different...

She's a bright kid and so far has a guilty conscience, she's real quick to tell on herself.

vanblah

I love it when my daughter does that ...

Mr Honest

I used to walk to school by myself (2 miles) when I was 9. Look what's become of me now!!

I was only kidnapped twice

nah, seriously this sounds sensible. One day mummy and daddy won't be around and kids need to take care of themselves. Just hide the alcohol and drugs and credit cards etc

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Uncle Pony

I think it's too young. My kids have just earned the privelege of going further than 1 block when playing, and they're 9 and 11. The oldest will be 13, maybe 14, before we even think of leaving them alone.

I work in a maximum security prison. I know what kind of evil is out there and that has had a strong influence on how I parent.

Anyway, that's my opinion, for what it's worth.

Mr Honest

An hour might be just too long though. Why can't you take her to the gym with you?
I'm sure you don't look that bad when exercising
Or get someone to be with her while you are away?

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Catdaddy33

They have a childcare at the gym, but its mainly for children much younger than she is, and they don't allow children under 14 around the weights or the treadmills...

Thanks for all the feedback!

maleficent

OK, so I'm old, and it was a different time and place, but when i was 11, i was babysitting in the evenings for families in the neighborhood. I was a fairly responsible kid though. My niece is 13 and has been babysitting, doing mother's helper work in her neighborhood for about 1 year or so, she's a very mature responsible kid.

my parents have a friend who a few years back, paid me several hundred dollars to babysit their 17 year old daughter, when they went away for a weekend. This was not a responsible child, it's also illegal in NJ to leave a child under the age of 18 overnight without adult supervision.

All kids are different, is she's responsible and it's only an hour or so... I'm not a parent, i just think i know everything

I'd set up ground rules...
No cooking/use of the stove -- microwave OK
No phone
No friends over
No leaving the house

What to do/Who to call if you are not back at the appointed time...

You say you are going to be gone for an hour - and well you are having a good time and decide to stay out an extra 2 hours -- you know are possibly making her worry about you... If she can't answer the phone... How does she know you are going to call her to say you are going to be late...

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yellowchef

if you have caller ID(which a lot of people do now) she should be able to know the numbers of people she can answer calls from.. you know like it pops up Smith, Kevin and (555)123-4567 and she can answer that or if its your cell phone it just shows up (555)234-6789 and thats always good to teach her that. My parents would call and leave a voice mail and I would check the voice mail. By the time I was 11 or 12 though I like Mal was babysitting, tending to my 8 year old brother, and probably making dinner.

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kramus

Montreal, Expo67, the Centennial World Fair, I was 9. My parents took my little sister with them to see what ever it was parents went to see. My older brother (14) went his own way. My older sisters (12 & 13) went as a pair. And I did my own thing for two different days. Met the folks at some Chinese arch or somesuch at 5 pm. Nobody thought twice about any of it.

Nowadays I would want my 12 and 14 year old boys in sight, and my 18 year old daughter would be on my mind. The oldest boy is a father himself, and a free agent

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Catdaddy33

We did it, left her for about 1h10m.. No problems, called to check a couple of times, she spent the whole time reading..

Told her trust has to be earned and once its lost it takes a long time to be rebuilt..yadda yadda..seemed to sink in...

meembo

My kids are 12 and 10, and they are coming home after school this year for the first time. My greatest concern is what these kids imagine they can get away with while not being watched. I'm thinking a webcam might be good to see that they are both doing their homework at the table for an hour or so. It would be easy to set up.

Anyway, I think an 11 YO can handle it, but I don't know what it feels like to leave one child alone -- my kids are always together.

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Lasereth

I think 11 or 12 is fine. My parents didn't let me stay at my house for any period of time alone until I was 16. That basically ruined my social life until then and made me feel like my parents didn't trust me (they didn't). I had never did anything wrong, got constant good grades, and never been in trouble. It made me feel like crap that they didn't trust me. I even have a twin brother, and with BOTH of us there, there's really nothing that could have went wrong. If your daughter shows maturity and has never been a trouble maker, then I'd say 11 or 12 is fine.

-Lasereth

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sexymama

I think it depends on the kid. Our 11 year old freaks when she is left alone. The other day she was at her dad's. He went to pick up sister. She got scared and I spent 1 hour on the phone with her waiting for him to get home. Funny thing is the 9 year old would gladly stay home alone; but I'm not ready for that.

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raveneye

In the U.S. and Canada I think it's generally accepted that 10-12 is the earliest you can leave them alone for a few hours. It might even be illegal in some places to leave kids younger than that. Of course it depends on the child; some are better behaved and mature.

It's interesting that different places/cultures have a completely different conception of what constitutes "supervisory neglect;" I think in most developing countries parents leave kids as young as 5 alone for extended periods. That may be an economic necessity though. My wife was left alone in east Germany at age 6, to be babysat by her 8-year-old brother many times. One time the both of them were left for the weekend under the care of a 14 year old cousin, and that was pretty normal for that place and time (east Berlin in the 70s).

I was left to walk to and from school alone every day starting in kindergarten, but it was just four blocks with no traffic. I was also a latchkey (parents not home when I got home from school) in the 70s. I think playing outside without close supervision with other very young kids is a normal part of growing up, but the parents should be nearby within hearing distance. That wasn't always the case though when I was growing up, and I definitely got into a trouble when I was 5 or 6 unsupervised.

Catdaddy33

Our experiment is turning into regular thing. No issues since we started a month or so ago.

She hasn't been scared at all, but last week we went for some dinner and with daylight getting shorter, we didn't get home until right after dark, she did call us to ask when we would be home. She said she wasn't scared, "just curious" but at least we know now to ask..

Charlatan

My son has been coming home after school by himself and frequently going to school by himself.

No problems at all.

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snowy

Shoot, when I was 11, I was left home alone when I was sick, and I started babysitting when I was 12. That was only 11-12 years ago.

I really don't think you're putting her in any danger by leaving her home alone for a while. She'll be fine, especially if she's as bright and self-reporting as you say. Now's the time to start showing her you trust her to do the right thing--it will pay off later when she's a full-fledged teen.

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Spanxxx

I find it funny the amount of fear I feel now as a parent of the world around me. Partly, my wife is a newsaholic paranoid freak who thinks some guy wearing a clown suit and driving a white van is going to drive up in our yard and take our kid to sell him on Ebay or something. Outside of that though, I still am considerbaly more fearful for children in general now than it seems my parents were when I was young.

I grew up in a fairly small town (20k or so pop.) and I can remember as young as 4 or 5 being outside riding the big wheel around the corner and over on the next block. Then, we moved to a new neighborhood when I was 7, and it didn't have sidewalks. I started riding my bike in the streets and started riding farther away. By middle school, I was walking a mile or more through rough neighborhoods after school to get to where my mom worked (an elementary school), or I would take the bus, and walk 1/2 to 1 mile to my house from the closest drop point.

I can remember staying home alone on a few occasions, but probably not until I was 13-15 or so because I had two younger sisters (one 3 years younger and one 9 years younger). I would normally be in charge of them for short periods. Often, my mom would go out and take my youngest sister and leave me and my other sister home alone.

I guess it all just depends on the children, the area, the trust you have with your children.

I know that my wife and I have already started having those debates about what age will we let our son(s) go out and play in the yard without us watching them. I suspect probably not until school age at least (5-6). However, even that to me seems like much less freedom than I had at that age.

And, I can't even imagine giving a kid the kind of freedom I had starting as early as middle school. My parents, my father particularly, were very protective and usually very knowledgable of what I was doing, where I was going, who I was going with, etc. At least when I was in high school. However, even at 12 and 13, I would ride my bike across town without my parents knowledge (talking 5 or 6 miles here). For some reason, knowing how I was, scares the shit out of me about the future of giving my children greater freedom to go out on their own and ride their bikes, etc.

However, I will say one thing that I see becoming more common, and though I always thought it ridiculous, I now am starting to see the reasoning of kids with cellphones. The primary reason is so a parent can track a kid down, or give the kid a way to call in case of danger or emergency. Now, of course, we realize all they do with them is call their friends all day long, but still.

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Meditrina

This has been a very interesting thread to read, as I often wonder about this for my daughter. She is 8 1/2 right now, and I would not leave her alone right now. Not that I don't trust her, but she is a very timid little girl afraid of everything. She hates going upstairs to sleep while we are downstairs, as an example of how she is. She won't go out in the fenced in backyard by herself either. I am hoping that she grows out of this by age 11. I would like to have her come home from school by herself and I would be home maybe 15 minutes later. I will only do this if she feels comfortable. I have always believed that every child is different and it will always be a live and learn process for us as parents. You have to do what you and your daughter feel comfortable with, which sounds like it is working out great for both of you.

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Leto

But, I must point out that by the time I was 12 or so, I was sneaking down to the TV on Friday's at Midnight to watch CityTV's Baby Blue movies (full uncut on normal broadcast TV oh about 1972-ish) Plus as the decade progressed, all of my friends and I were into the so-called CB radio craze which was basically city wide chat-rooms full of all the sex you could want, including rendezvous if a buddy had a car or moped! this was our internet. A bit of an improvement on the Bell Telephone party line chaos.


Back then My parents were always out, to movies, dinner, what have you. I also baby sat alot in grade 9 or so.

As for my kids? Once they were about 11, we started to give them independance. That's when you can start taking baby-sitting classes, and I think the law in our neck of the woods supports children 11 and older being on their own.

But of course, discretion on the parts of parents is required. I have recently learned to block the router ports on the computer when I leave the house, to avoid being subjected to various sexually explicit downloads upon my return.

Catdaddy33

What many have said is true...it's all about the maturity level.

I have a friend here at work that has a son that's 12 and they refuse to leave him alone. He tried it a few weeks ago just making a 15 minute run to the store and gave this specific instructions (one of whch was stay inside), came home and found him playing in the backyard.

Sprtswidow, our daughter was the same around that age, we started seeing her becoming more assured after she started 5th grade...