Pays, but doesn't visit - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

tim2shady · 04-25-2005, 01:18 PM

I just wonder why society/courts...society says there is a need to send a person to jail for not paying child support (i know typically it needs to be a large amount). BUT why do we/society not put similar punishments in place for when a parent does not visit the child on a regular basis?

What do you think of this idea?

I for one think that having a meaningful relationship with your child is much more important than paying for it. Not that non-custodial parents shouldn't pay support, but seriously, a relationship with your child is worth more than money.

On a side note, I don't have this problem because I always want to visit my son and hardly ever miss a visit opportunity, however I resent the fact that our courts don't take visitation as seriously as support. For example, I've missed visitations because the mother has told me our child is sick and it would be best for him to stay home. If you think of the child first, yes, if the child is sick he should just rest at home. My problem is that I find out later he wasnt' sick.

sexymama · 04-25-2005, 01:22 PM

Time with the child is most important, you are right! When you ask children what they want most from their parents (especially adult children) they will say time. However, there are times when it is easier that the other parents is uninvolved. Sadly, I wish my ex would get out of the picture; but despite my personal feelings, he is allowed to see our children almost whenever he desires. He just makes things very difficult on them and there are consequences that I have to deel with whenever he finishes seeing them.

Hash_Browns · 04-25-2005, 02:08 PM

I agree with sexymama, sometimes it really is just easier for the child that way. Less confusion and what not. I however do understand your point in the senario you stated above. The thing I don't get is, is it a long drive to pick him up and take himback to your place? I'd want to be able to comfort my sick child whenever possible, so I don't see (unless it's more then just a cold) why he still couldn't be with you. I don't know, as I am not in that situation, but that's my opinion.

As for the court system and why they don't push more visits, it's a sad thing that they have a tendency to let the parents beef it out because there can be so many outstanding circumstances and in the end the child suffers.

robot_parade · 04-25-2005, 06:16 PM

First off, I think there are enough negative side effects of non-custodial parents being forced to pay child support...not that I'm saying they shouldn't have to pay, but sometimes the non-custodial parent will lash out via mind games, etc. Can you imagine the kind of things people would do if they were forced to spend time with their child, but didn't want to? I think that could be worse for the child than a parent who doesn't have a relationship at all.

Also, at least in my experience, there *is* an economic incentive for the non-custodial parent to spend more time with the child - when child support for my ex-wife (the non-custodial parent of my oldest son) was calculated, it was based upon the amount of visitation she had - more visitation meant she had to pay less money. Not that she pays anyway, but that's another matter...

tim2shady, for your situation I strongly recommend that you thoroughly document everything, including the times when she says your child is sick. If you ever have to go back to court, there's a good chance she will say 'well, he didn't utilize his visitation these times'. You can explain the bit about her telling you the child was sick, but she can deny it, and then it's just your word against hers. If you have proof of some kind that your child wasn't really sick, document that as much as possible. If she continues to make this claim, I'd ask her to provide a doctor's note - if she refuses, document that. I know it can be a pain to keep track of all these things, but it can make a big difference.

04-25-2005, 01:18 PM	#1 (permalink)
tim2shady Tilted Location: Chicago, IL	Pays, but doesn't visit I just wonder why society/courts...society says there is a need to send a person to jail for not paying child support (i know typically it needs to be a large amount). BUT why do we/society not put similar punishments in place for when a parent does not visit the child on a regular basis? What do you think of this idea? I for one think that having a meaningful relationship with your child is much more important than paying for it. Not that non-custodial parents shouldn't pay support, but seriously, a relationship with your child is worth more than money. On a side note, I don't have this problem because I always want to visit my son and hardly ever miss a visit opportunity, however I resent the fact that our courts don't take visitation as seriously as support. For example, I've missed visitations because the mother has told me our child is sick and it would be best for him to stay home. If you think of the child first, yes, if the child is sick he should just rest at home. My problem is that I find out later he wasnt' sick. __________________ mean people suck.....period.

04-25-2005, 01:22 PM	#2 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	Time with the child is most important, you are right! When you ask children what they want most from their parents (especially adult children) they will say time. However, there are times when it is easier that the other parents is uninvolved. Sadly, I wish my ex would get out of the picture; but despite my personal feelings, he is allowed to see our children almost whenever he desires. He just makes things very difficult on them and there are consequences that I have to deel with whenever he finishes seeing them. __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

04-25-2005, 02:08 PM	#3 (permalink)
Hash_Browns Psycho Location: Right behind you...BOO!	I agree with sexymama, sometimes it really is just easier for the child that way. Less confusion and what not. I however do understand your point in the senario you stated above. The thing I don't get is, is it a long drive to pick him up and take himback to your place? I'd want to be able to comfort my sick child whenever possible, so I don't see (unless it's more then just a cold) why he still couldn't be with you. I don't know, as I am not in that situation, but that's my opinion. As for the court system and why they don't push more visits, it's a sad thing that they have a tendency to let the parents beef it out because there can be so many outstanding circumstances and in the end the child suffers. __________________ Smile It makes people wonder what you're up too!

04-25-2005, 06:16 PM	#4 (permalink)
robot_parade Junkie Location: San Antonio, TX	First off, I think there are enough negative side effects of non-custodial parents being forced to pay child support...not that I'm saying they shouldn't have to pay, but sometimes the non-custodial parent will lash out via mind games, etc. Can you imagine the kind of things people would do if they were forced to spend time with their child, but didn't want to? I think that could be worse for the child than a parent who doesn't have a relationship at all. Also, at least in my experience, there is an economic incentive for the non-custodial parent to spend more time with the child - when child support for my ex-wife (the non-custodial parent of my oldest son) was calculated, it was based upon the amount of visitation she had - more visitation meant she had to pay less money. Not that she pays anyway, but that's another matter... tim2shady, for your situation I strongly recommend that you thoroughly document everything, including the times when she says your child is sick. If you ever have to go back to court, there's a good chance she will say 'well, he didn't utilize his visitation these times'. You can explain the bit about her telling you the child was sick, but she can deny it, and then it's just your word against hers. If you have proof of some kind that your child wasn't really sick, document that as much as possible. If she continues to make this claim, I'd ask her to provide a doctor's note - if she refuses, document that. I know it can be a pain to keep track of all these things, but it can make a big difference.