Dinnertime battles - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

raeanna74 · 03-10-2005, 06:59 AM

Every parent has the battle with their child over eating or trying a new food. I don't like the idea of making them eat it ALL unless they only took one bite of beans and now they want dessert. If they're full my philosophy is then they are full - no dessert either.

I sortof started a battle with my 4 yr old daughter last night. She absolutely refuses to try any new dish. It's gotten worse to the point at which she refuses to even try something that she's told me smells good to her. So last night I made a casserole. It's just southern hashbrowns, cubed ham, cheese soup, and shredded cheese. Very kid friendly flavors really. But would she try it - no. I put one single tablespoon full in a bowl for her. I told her she could have anything else to eat for supper if she would eat that spoonful. She refused. She said "I'm not hungry. I'm just thirsty. I want some pop." So I told her she couldn't have anything but water until she ate it and she could wait until she was hungry. She didn't yell or cry she just decided she wanted to go to bed. Fine. I told her no breakfast food or lunch until she ate it. Only water. We've made it to mid morning with her requesting pancakes, poptarts or cheese and when I've calmly reminded her of her supper and that I'd warm it up for her she refuses to eat anything rather than taste the supper. I know she's stubborn. I was extremely stubborn. I know if I give in now though that she'll know she can outlast me and I'll never get her to try another thing. I'm not making her eat a whole bowl full or more than she's hungry for. I just feel bad for doing this. I've given her water and she's making the choice not to eat essentially. It's frustrating because I know she'd like the taste of this casserole. The things in it are all things she likes. It looks different and so she insists that it's yucky.

I'm feeling bad about being firm on not letting her have anything else till she tries this. Then again maybe I'm being a wuss an not making her eat a normal serving of it. I guess you gotta start somewhere. I've been lax and not asked her to at least try stuff and been firm on it.

Tell us about your dinnertime battles. How have you succeeded? Any tips or ideas? I know there's quite a few of you here who have older kids than I do and I'm sure you've gone through this stage somewhere along the line. At least tell me if this is the right path or if there's something I could have done differently (besides letting her get to this point of constant refusal in the first place). She loved green beans and veges as an infant and toddler. It's mostly begun since she's been 4 where she's been adamant abour eating anything that looks new.

squirrelyburt · 03-10-2005, 07:06 AM

Four was an aweful time in our house, evil seemed to peak at that age... there are constant fights over whatever they decicde they want to fight about, and the neat thing about being a parent is remaining a strong guiding force to show them right from wrong, good from bad, icky from tasty!! Children simply don't have the knowlege to guide themselves.

Unless there is a serious eating disorder, I wouldn't sweat it. Put what you make in front of the little one, when she gets hungry, she'll eat. But before that, they kick, scream, bit, cry and generally get pissy. But they still get hungry. It boils down to a test of wills, which, as annoying as it is, you have to win. I recall making deals, but don't give in to anything until after they do.

Just my opinion, Good luck!!

Daoust · 03-10-2005, 07:19 AM

My daughter is only 16 mos and already I feel we have dinner battles with her. Well, battles is a strong word, perhaps. It's just frustrating some days when you get her meal all ready, sit her down, put the bib on, get her drink, put the fork to her mouth and... she turns her head away. You try to force it down, but that sure don't work. The thing is, she's eaten this meal numerous times before. My parents had it so good - three boys, and not one of us ever dared to say "I don't like this". We licked our plates clean, and if we didn't we'd hear about it for sure. My wife's family is super picky. I've never seen a pickier family. And it's the men who are more picky than the women. It's unbelievable. I just hope that my wife and I can agree with each other when it comes to dinner time battles. I'm more of a "finish your plate" person, and my wife is definitely not. So I wonder how it's going to go when our daughter won't eat anything we serve her... hmmmmmm.

To add to this... Reanna I think what you're doing is right! You've gotta be a hard liner. I believe this is one of those issues you cannot waffle about. If you're not firm, your child will pick up on that and know they can get away with it the next time. Be strong!

joeb1 · 03-10-2005, 10:51 AM

Food battles never seem to stop around our house. And we are just starting on the three year old. With the one year old left to go. Our twelve year old is a lost cause for now. He was already getting what he wanted before I came in the picture. He is from my wifes previous marriage. And was getting his way for five years before I came into the picture. (All he eats is pizza, or something similar, and grilled cheese. I don't think I have ever seen him eat a vegtable) Our 7 year old daughter will eat anything that is put in front of her. And does not complain.

I think you are doing a great job. Everytime she mentions being hungry. Put the bite in front of her. The choice is hers. It is a simple task. Nothing that will harm her. Just a test of wills. But if you give in just one time. Oh Boy... So Just stand your ground. Don't give in or compromise. You have laid down the law. And now you have to see it through. Hang in there!!

abaya · 03-10-2005, 02:06 PM

Stick to your guns, Raenna. I know it's hard to watch, but she won't die of starvation, and it'll teach her to not take food for granted (esp. as made by you). Basically it's her own choice to not eat, so make sure she understands that you're not being mean... she has a choice and she's using it to make herself hungry. If she can grasp the idea of what choice means, and how she's responsible for herself, a day or two of fasting will pay massive dividends for other battles.

Kids REALLY need to be taught hard lessons about their own responsibility at an early age, believe me. Otherwise they will walk all over you 10 years from now, when she's in junior high remembering that time that mommy caved in (this is speaking from a former high school teacher's point of view, where I saw how soft most parents had become and what a detriment to their own children it was).

Coppertop · 03-10-2005, 02:20 PM

I was that kid. I held out on not eating my dinner, so I didn't get anything else that night, or breakfast the next morning. My mother was forced to give me a lunch for school the next day, so I lived on that. After two days she gave in and started feeding me what I wanted. This continued throughout the rest of my childhood. I bet to this day she regrets it.

And yes, to this day I am what my girlfriend calls a food diva. It takes much effort for me to try anything new.

So I guess I'm saying stick to your guns and don't let your kid grow up to be like me.

Grasshopper Green · 03-10-2005, 03:02 PM

My son will try anything, but won't eat a lot of what he tries. He just turned three and is becoming pickier and pickier...if someone had the magic key for getting kids to eat vegetables, they'd make millions.

clavus · 03-10-2005, 04:50 PM

Stick to your guns. Kids won't let themselves starve.

Every once in a while we skirmish with food. But the wife and I hold fast, and the kids remember that nothing has changed.

Here are our rules. Dinner is what is on your plate. We all eat the same meal. Eat it, or go hungry. You are not allowed to say nasty things about your food. That is rude. You may say, "I don't care for this," but not "yuck."

Now we cheat a little...If we have something exotic, or something that I KNOW the 4 year old will hate (i.e. pizza...WTF?), we are sure to put a decent portion of something on his plate that we know he likes (veges, fruit, & tortilla, etc). If he wants more of the kid-friendly stuff, he must eat the tiny amount of evil food on his plate too.

There have been some nights when the kid has gone to bed hungry. We remind him that it was his choice. But we don't ever force him to try something, and push it on him meal after meal. That's just not us.

Here is the second-most important thing about the way we do things (#1 is consistancy) - We do not fight about it. There is no raising of voices, gnashing of teeth or pounding of the table. We are matter of fact about it. Eat your food, or don't. Be civil or leave the table. Period.

Also, we praise the kids for trying new things, even if the things are yummy kid-stuff that they are obviously going to like. Try something new, get praise.

A great book to lauch the "new foods are neat" discussion is _Yoko_ by Rosemary Wells
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/AS...031785-5055960

ShaniFaye · 03-10-2005, 05:03 PM

Amanda was 4 about the time she tried that stuff.....as with some others the rule in the house is you have at least one spoonful/forkfull of everything I fixed....I do not make special dinners for anyone. If you dont eat it thats it. I was VERY lucky, my daughter loved veggies from birth I think lol she would beg for carrots, peas, broccoli, cauliflower, and anything salad related.

I never carried it over from one meal....if she didnt eat what was on her plate that was the last food she got until the next meal. It didnt take her long to realize she couldnt go to bed and get up a few hours later and ask for something to eat.

shakran · 03-10-2005, 05:15 PM

There are several things happening here which are less than ideal.

In the first place, you can't starve the kid into eating food she doesn't want to eat. What you can do is insist that she try at least one bite of a new food. If she doesn't, she gets 10 minutes in a timeout room (this should NOT be HER room like my parents did - all her stuff is in there, how is it punishment to be sent to HER room

) 10 minutes later, you go in and ask if she understands why she is in there. Make her explain to you why she's in there - - just to be sure that she really does understand it. Ask her if she would like to try the bite of food now so she can come out of the timeout room, or would she rather spend another 10 minutes in the room. She might just choose to stay there. If so, repeat yourself, but add 5 minutes to the time every other time you do it. Also, of course, make sure that even though it's not her room, there's nothing of entertainment value in there. The timeout room in my house is a 2nd guest bedroom that we NEVER use. It has a bed and 4 bare walls. The kid doesn't like it much in there.

Eventually she'll decide that eating one bite of food in order to gain her freedom sounds like a pretty good idea.

I also noticed that you seem to be allowing her to drink sodas. First off, just from a dietary standpoint, a 4 year old does NOT need sodas. Hell a 40 year old doesn't need the things, but a kid certainly shouldn't have it at that age.

Diet aside, if you keep giving the kid sugary stuff like sodas, candy, etc, then she's less likely to be willing to try non-junk foods for two reason. 1) kids want a daily sugar intake that's enough to crystalize an ant colony. They'd eat it straight out of the bag if you'd let them. Give 'em too much, and they start not wanting to eat anything unless it's loaded with sugar. 2) sugar fills 'em up FAST. So, for example, if your daughter had a coke at 3:30 and then you put food in front of her at 5, and it's not more sugar, she's not gonna feel hungry.

Bottom line? Kids must be taught that what the parent says, goes. I'm not saying you have to be a dictator, but they must understand that the house is not a democracy, and they do not have a voice in their fate unless you allow them to have one. If you tell the kid to eat one bite of food, the kid must understand that not eating it will result in immediate consequences.

On the flip side, if she does eat it, and honestly hates it, I wouldn't make her eat more of it as long as there were enough other foods that she liked that she could get a balanced diet.

raeanna74 · 03-10-2005, 06:23 PM

Thanks all for the support and suggestions. She finally tried the food this afternoon at 5:30. After that she came and asked for more. She said she liked it a lot. In her words "It's not so bad! I actually liked it." so she tried it - got plenty for more supper.

As for the soda - I rarely buy it. I had 1 liter bottle of soda left from the past weekend when we'd celebrated my B-day. She loves milk and that's what she usually drinks. She loves to eat cheese and apples for snack and I'm sure to keep those around all the time. I don't keep a lot of candy in the cupboard and the last time I bought store bought cookies was over a month ago. Last time I bought chips was for a party we had. She gets crackers, cheese, ham, venison sausage, milk, and plenty of good thigns to eat. Her point was to eat anything that she's not allowed to eat instead of what she's asked to eat.

I've tried timeouts. One time I sent her to to her room to clean pick up her stuffed animals and put them back in the basket. She was used to doing this with me but I was unable to help her. This is at 3 yrs old. She had a tantrum about doing it so I told her she wasn't going to leave the room till it was done. In retaliation she ripped every last toy and clothing out of her closet and some clothes out of a drawer as well. I made her stay there til the animals were put away as well as a couple items that I knew she could handle. I did go to put the clothes away myself and put her animals and the basket on the bed where she was sitting stonewalling me. I told her that she could leave her room after those were put away. She sat there on the bed doing nothing (by her choice I might add since I never stopped her from playing even) and refused to put the animals away for over 4 hours.

I was a stubborn girl - more stubborn than this, my mother tells me. I would admit that I can be quite stubborn. It's apparently genetic.

She did finally eat the ONE single bite I'd saved for her and I praised her for it and gave her hugs. I'm hoping that this will show her at the very least that new thigns don't always taste bad.

DEI37 · 03-10-2005, 06:29 PM

You? Stubborn? Never!

Demeter · 03-10-2005, 07:09 PM

This is where our parents words come back to haunt us. I was a very stubborn child. And my parents would say, one day you will have a child just like you. And I did. Its the circle of life.

raeanna74 · 03-11-2005, 07:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DEI37

You? Stubborn? Never!

Ha ha - you would know.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Demeter

This is where our parents words come back to haunt us. I was a very stubborn child. And my parents would say, one day you will have a child just like you. And I did. Its the circle of life.

I call that "The Mother's Curse." I haven't found a parent yet who didn't hear that sometime when they were a kid. Thankfully I haven't said it yet but I don't doubt I will be driven to it eventually.

Gatorade Frost · 03-12-2005, 01:51 PM

I missed past half of this. I got the general gist of the whole thing, but I would say yes, you have to win this test of wills.

And one important fact is to not let your kids out until they eat.

My parents always tried that on me (And to this day, I despise vegetables. Even in my teen years I was like "Eh, I'm a mature adult, kinda, I should try new things" and lo and behold, they're simply disgusting to me), but I've got a will of iron. I've gone without food for quite some time just to prove a point, and hey, eventually I got my way.

The moral, though, is that if your kids want food odds are they'll be able to get what they want with or without you. Midnight-3 food runs when everyone's asleep or going to a neighbor's or a friend's to get what they want. So be sure to keep an eye on the young'n all the time to make sure you're going to win the skirmish.

Hopefully I'll be able to stare my kids down about food some day, not having foods I dislike grown on me has made some dinners particularly akward for me, I guess is the easiest way to describe it.

canuckguy · 03-13-2005, 06:01 AM

I'm taking notes over here.....my friends little one will only eat those mini-pizza's, so he loads them up with extra vegs..etc. kid still eats them, but will not eat them seperately.

sexymama · 03-13-2005, 05:46 PM

Reanna -- good for you! You stuck to your guns and it worked!

Shakran, although your intentions are good, and generally I agree with what you say, 10 minutes of time out for a four year old is way too long. A general time out rule is 1 minute for every year of age with a max. of 5 minutes.

My stories: When my ex and I first got married, my then 10-year-old step son demanded that I make him a different dinner as he didn't like the one being served. I said, "no problem," got up, took his plate and washed the food down the disposal. I then sat down to eat. He asked where his meal was. I replied, "I cook again at breakfast time." He was very upset, "what should I eat, I'll starve!" I said, "I understand, I get hungry when I choose not to eat dinner too -- but breakfast is only 9 hours away. I'm sure you'll be fine until then." He always ate what was served after that.

My daughters have each had the same treatment. One time of seeing the food washed down the drain was enough for each. Once in awhile I still have to get up to take their plate -- but it takes just me pushing my chair back and they aplogize for complaining then eat what was served.

sashime76 · 03-15-2005, 01:21 PM

We have a 4 year old fighter at home as well. It's tough battling him but even thougher when my wife gives in a couple of hours later. I found and sent some links to her earlier today. Below are what I have found, hope they are helpful to you.
http://www.gospelcom.net/narramore/finicky_eater1.htm

http://www.fisher-price.com/us/paren...rticleid=38847

http://www.healthdistrict.org/HWlibr...ickyeaters.htm

http://www.truestarhealth.com/member...05ML4P1A6.html - read about juice

shakran · 03-15-2005, 04:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sexymama

Shakran, although your intentions are good, and generally I agree with what you say, 10 minutes of time out for a four year old is way too long. A general time out rule is 1 minute for every year of age with a max. of 5 minutes.

I've heard that from people before and have never bought it. Neither did any of my psych profs in college. Plus, I would certainly submit that 10 minutes in a time out room is much better than starving a kid for days until she complies

sexymama · 03-16-2005, 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shakran

I've heard that from people before and have never bought it. Neither did any of my psych profs in college. Plus, I would certainly submit that 10 minutes in a time out room is much better than starving a kid for days until she complies

I totally agree, I would NEVER starve a child for days. However, in our spoiled society, overnight is not too long and it is more directly related to the the "offense."

I respectfully disagree with you and your profs. (I do wonder who they are seeing as I'm extremely well versed in raising children and have been a parent educator for over 9 years.)

shakran · 03-16-2005, 05:35 PM

Then you certainly know that there are widely differing schools of psychological thought on just about any issue you can come up with.

A Skinerian would spank the kid, figuring the reasons behind her behavior were less important than changing the behavior through a negative stimulus, a Freudian would assume the kid was acting out on feelings deep within her subconscious and attempt to find out what they were, and Erickson would take this child's actions as meaning she was deep in stage 3, initiative vs. guilt.

Myself, if she puts up a huge fight and absolutely won't do what she is told, she gets sent to the timeout room for 10 minutes. If during that ten minutes she decides she wants to do it, she can come out, do it, and we're done. Otherwise, in 10 minutes I go in to remind her of her choices.

StanT · 03-16-2005, 05:45 PM

The philosophy around our house was that it was a home, not a restaraunt. We prepared one meal, you can take it or leave it. If you don't like it. that's fine; but there won't be any snacks or dessert to supplement it. Both of my daughters have likes and dislikes, but I wouldn't call either a picky eater.

canuckguy · 03-16-2005, 06:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StanT

The philosophy around our house was that it was a home, not a restaraunt. We prepared one meal, you can take it or leave it. If you don't like it. that's fine; but there won't be any snacks or dessert to supplement it. Both of my daughters have likes and dislikes, but I wouldn't call either a picky eater.

i agree, same for my house growing up, there it was eat it or not. Only time this will not apply if as stated above that the food is non-kid friendly. Don't expect my little girl to rip into tuna steaks, but if she wants some bonus.

raeanna74 · 03-17-2005, 03:32 PM

Well I'm pleased to report that the method I chose for that last battle has paid off big time. When it came to another meal where she turned down the broccoli covered with cheese I told her she could choose between waiting to eat it later before she got something else to eat or eating it now (then) and then getting some more of the mashed potatoes she liked from the meal. She waiting at the table while we ate for 15 minutes and then finally tried it and ate more then the required one bite. After that she said she wasn't hungry and didn't need more potatoes. She knew she wasn't gonna stonewall me and was willing to TRY the food and go on with what she wanted to do.

I've seen a marked improvement in her eating habits. She's much more willing now to eat what is placed in front of her instead of requesting her favorites or changing her mind after I've bought of fixed the meal. The changing her mind post preparation has been a naughty habit of hers and has ended up in a number of missed meals but not a holdout such as I faced last week. Her overall behavior has been sweeter and she's voiced her opinion or desires but hasn't expressed them in a whiny demanding tone. We've allowed her a lot of what she's requested when it's not been a change of mind and when it's been expressed politely. I'm quite pleased with the results.

edit:typo

darkangel · 03-29-2005, 02:43 AM

I'm not a parent, but I say yes, keep firm with the dinners. My brother is 14 years old and still won't eat ANYTHING that didn't come from 7-11. He will not touch a vegetable - he won't even have hamburgers if they were fried in a pan, he needs them barbequed. He's been this way for as long as I can remember, and it's all because my mom wasn't firm enough. Now, he doesn't eat any meals and then goes to the corner store and gets filled up on that junk. He just upright refuses to eat anything with any sort of vitamin. (In fact he sometimes takes vitamin pills in replacement). He won't even have mac & cheese, something I thought all kids loved. I have never had a problem eating dinners, because I know when I'm gone, I'll actually want that home-cooked meal. Who knows what's going to happen with my brother.

Sorry for bumping the thread if it's "ended" but I guess I missed the start and wanted to add that. It does effect kids later on in their years.

matthew330 · 04-13-2005, 11:19 AM

Promise them the "Happy Plate" song if they eat everything, sounds ridiculous but i remember it working for me. I remember chocking down the nastiest food just so i could hear:

"HAPPY PLATE, HAPPY PLATE, MATTHEW MADE A HAPPY PLATE", sung a few times over

i can't remember if there was anything more to the song. Probably wouldn't work for a 14 year old though.

Janey · 04-13-2005, 12:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StanT

The philosophy around our house was that it was a home, not a restaraunt. We prepared one meal, you can take it or leave it. If you don't like it. that's fine; but there won't be any snacks or dessert to supplement it. Both of my daughters have likes and dislikes, but I wouldn't call either a picky eater.

beautiful. I like it. Until they can prepare their own food, kids can be solicited for input into the menu, but should shut up/put up, if the choice du jour is not to their liking.

parents are not servers.

If they pull the 'I'm full' routine, then that also includes too full for dessert. as well. It's only logical.

EULA · 04-15-2005, 06:55 PM

Ah, yes. This is where Americans develop "food issues". We don't eat when we're hungry, we don't drink when we're thirsty, we are forced to eat food we don't want, we don't drink when we're thirsty.

Stop controlling her, and she will stop arguing with you. She will probably make herself sick at first, but don't be surprised if this scene happens in your home:

child: "Can I have some ice cream?"

you: "Of course you can. Do you want me to get you some?"

child: "No thanks. Nevermind."

ngdawg · 04-15-2005, 08:17 PM

Never battle over food!! If they don't like what's in front of them, fine. Kids won't starve for days.
I have the same rules as mentioned-this isn't a restaurant. If they didn't like one part of the meal, they could have the others or fend for themselves. Many times my son had yogurt for dinner.
He was a very fussy eater as a small child-strictly meat, potatoes, corn. Now, at 13, he loves things we never thought he'd even try.
Kids need their own pace. If they aren't hungry, don't force them to eat. If they don't like what you have, they should know the only other option is to get something for themselves-not snacks or desserts.
I've seen so many eating disorders, including severe obesity, in members of my own family because of the importance the parents placed on 'eating everything on their plate'. Some battles just aren't worth starting.

03-10-2005, 06:59 AM	#1 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	Dinnertime battles Every parent has the battle with their child over eating or trying a new food. I don't like the idea of making them eat it ALL unless they only took one bite of beans and now they want dessert. If they're full my philosophy is then they are full - no dessert either. I sortof started a battle with my 4 yr old daughter last night. She absolutely refuses to try any new dish. It's gotten worse to the point at which she refuses to even try something that she's told me smells good to her. So last night I made a casserole. It's just southern hashbrowns, cubed ham, cheese soup, and shredded cheese. Very kid friendly flavors really. But would she try it - no. I put one single tablespoon full in a bowl for her. I told her she could have anything else to eat for supper if she would eat that spoonful. She refused. She said "I'm not hungry. I'm just thirsty. I want some pop." So I told her she couldn't have anything but water until she ate it and she could wait until she was hungry. She didn't yell or cry she just decided she wanted to go to bed. Fine. I told her no breakfast food or lunch until she ate it. Only water. We've made it to mid morning with her requesting pancakes, poptarts or cheese and when I've calmly reminded her of her supper and that I'd warm it up for her she refuses to eat anything rather than taste the supper. I know she's stubborn. I was extremely stubborn. I know if I give in now though that she'll know she can outlast me and I'll never get her to try another thing. I'm not making her eat a whole bowl full or more than she's hungry for. I just feel bad for doing this. I've given her water and she's making the choice not to eat essentially. It's frustrating because I know she'd like the taste of this casserole. The things in it are all things she likes. It looks different and so she insists that it's yucky. I'm feeling bad about being firm on not letting her have anything else till she tries this. Then again maybe I'm being a wuss an not making her eat a normal serving of it. I guess you gotta start somewhere. I've been lax and not asked her to at least try stuff and been firm on it. Tell us about your dinnertime battles. How have you succeeded? Any tips or ideas? I know there's quite a few of you here who have older kids than I do and I'm sure you've gone through this stage somewhere along the line. At least tell me if this is the right path or if there's something I could have done differently (besides letting her get to this point of constant refusal in the first place). She loved green beans and veges as an infant and toddler. It's mostly begun since she's been 4 where she's been adamant abour eating anything that looks new. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

03-10-2005, 07:06 AM	#2 (permalink)
squirrelyburt Crazy Location: Central Wisconsin	Four was an aweful time in our house, evil seemed to peak at that age... there are constant fights over whatever they decicde they want to fight about, and the neat thing about being a parent is remaining a strong guiding force to show them right from wrong, good from bad, icky from tasty!! Children simply don't have the knowlege to guide themselves. Unless there is a serious eating disorder, I wouldn't sweat it. Put what you make in front of the little one, when she gets hungry, she'll eat. But before that, they kick, scream, bit, cry and generally get pissy. But they still get hungry. It boils down to a test of wills, which, as annoying as it is, you have to win. I recall making deals, but don't give in to anything until after they do. Just my opinion, Good luck!! __________________ If you've ever felt there was a reason to be afraid of the dark, you were right.

03-10-2005, 07:19 AM	#3 (permalink)
Daoust "I'm sorry. What was the question?" Location: Paradise Regained	My daughter is only 16 mos and already I feel we have dinner battles with her. Well, battles is a strong word, perhaps. It's just frustrating some days when you get her meal all ready, sit her down, put the bib on, get her drink, put the fork to her mouth and... she turns her head away. You try to force it down, but that sure don't work. The thing is, she's eaten this meal numerous times before. My parents had it so good - three boys, and not one of us ever dared to say "I don't like this". We licked our plates clean, and if we didn't we'd hear about it for sure. My wife's family is super picky. I've never seen a pickier family. And it's the men who are more picky than the women. It's unbelievable. I just hope that my wife and I can agree with each other when it comes to dinner time battles. I'm more of a "finish your plate" person, and my wife is definitely not. So I wonder how it's going to go when our daughter won't eat anything we serve her... hmmmmmm. To add to this... Reanna I think what you're doing is right! You've gotta be a hard liner. I believe this is one of those issues you cannot waffle about. If you're not firm, your child will pick up on that and know they can get away with it the next time. Be strong! __________________ I have faith in a few things - divinity and grace But even when I'm on my knees I know the devil preys

03-10-2005, 10:51 AM	#4 (permalink)
joeb1 Crazy Location: Over Yonder	Food battles never seem to stop around our house. And we are just starting on the three year old. With the one year old left to go. Our twelve year old is a lost cause for now. He was already getting what he wanted before I came in the picture. He is from my wifes previous marriage. And was getting his way for five years before I came into the picture. (All he eats is pizza, or something similar, and grilled cheese. I don't think I have ever seen him eat a vegtable) Our 7 year old daughter will eat anything that is put in front of her. And does not complain. I think you are doing a great job. Everytime she mentions being hungry. Put the bite in front of her. The choice is hers. It is a simple task. Nothing that will harm her. Just a test of wills. But if you give in just one time. Oh Boy... So Just stand your ground. Don't give in or compromise. You have laid down the law. And now you have to see it through. Hang in there!! __________________ Disco Duck...

03-10-2005, 02:06 PM	#5 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	Stick to your guns, Raenna. I know it's hard to watch, but she won't die of starvation, and it'll teach her to not take food for granted (esp. as made by you). Basically it's her own choice to not eat, so make sure she understands that you're not being mean... she has a choice and she's using it to make herself hungry. If she can grasp the idea of what choice means, and how she's responsible for herself, a day or two of fasting will pay massive dividends for other battles. Kids REALLY need to be taught hard lessons about their own responsibility at an early age, believe me. Otherwise they will walk all over you 10 years from now, when she's in junior high remembering that time that mommy caved in (this is speaking from a former high school teacher's point of view, where I saw how soft most parents had become and what a detriment to their own children it was). __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

03-10-2005, 02:20 PM	#6 (permalink)
Coppertop Getting Medieval on your ass Location: 13th century Europe	I was that kid. I held out on not eating my dinner, so I didn't get anything else that night, or breakfast the next morning. My mother was forced to give me a lunch for school the next day, so I lived on that. After two days she gave in and started feeding me what I wanted. This continued throughout the rest of my childhood. I bet to this day she regrets it. And yes, to this day I am what my girlfriend calls a food diva. It takes much effort for me to try anything new. So I guess I'm saying stick to your guns and don't let your kid grow up to be like me. Last edited by Coppertop; 03-10-2005 at 02:23 PM.. Reason: spelling

03-10-2005, 03:02 PM	#7 (permalink)
Grasshopper Green ...is a comical chap Location: Where morons reign supreme	My son will try anything, but won't eat a lot of what he tries. He just turned three and is becoming pickier and pickier...if someone had the magic key for getting kids to eat vegetables, they'd make millions. __________________ "They say that patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings; steal a little and they throw you in jail, steal a lot and they make you king" Formerly Medusa

03-10-2005, 04:50 PM	#8 (permalink)
clavus pow! Location: NorCal	Stick to your guns. Kids won't let themselves starve. Every once in a while we skirmish with food. But the wife and I hold fast, and the kids remember that nothing has changed. Here are our rules. Dinner is what is on your plate. We all eat the same meal. Eat it, or go hungry. You are not allowed to say nasty things about your food. That is rude. You may say, "I don't care for this," but not "yuck." Now we cheat a little...If we have something exotic, or something that I KNOW the 4 year old will hate (i.e. pizza...WTF?), we are sure to put a decent portion of something on his plate that we know he likes (veges, fruit, & tortilla, etc). If he wants more of the kid-friendly stuff, he must eat the tiny amount of evil food on his plate too. There have been some nights when the kid has gone to bed hungry. We remind him that it was his choice. But we don't ever force him to try something, and push it on him meal after meal. That's just not us. Here is the second-most important thing about the way we do things (#1 is consistancy) - We do not fight about it. There is no raising of voices, gnashing of teeth or pounding of the table. We are matter of fact about it. Eat your food, or don't. Be civil or leave the table. Period. Also, we praise the kids for trying new things, even if the things are yummy kid-stuff that they are obviously going to like. Try something new, get praise. A great book to lauch the "new foods are neat" discussion is _Yoko_ by Rosemary Wells http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/AS...031785-5055960 __________________ Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

03-10-2005, 05:03 PM	#9 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	Amanda was 4 about the time she tried that stuff.....as with some others the rule in the house is you have at least one spoonful/forkfull of everything I fixed....I do not make special dinners for anyone. If you dont eat it thats it. I was VERY lucky, my daughter loved veggies from birth I think lol she would beg for carrots, peas, broccoli, cauliflower, and anything salad related. I never carried it over from one meal....if she didnt eat what was on her plate that was the last food she got until the next meal. It didnt take her long to realize she couldnt go to bed and get up a few hours later and ask for something to eat. __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

03-10-2005, 05:15 PM	#10 (permalink)
shakran Tone.	There are several things happening here which are less than ideal. In the first place, you can't starve the kid into eating food she doesn't want to eat. What you can do is insist that she try at least one bite of a new food. If she doesn't, she gets 10 minutes in a timeout room (this should NOT be HER room like my parents did - all her stuff is in there, how is it punishment to be sent to HER room ) 10 minutes later, you go in and ask if she understands why she is in there. Make her explain to you why she's in there - - just to be sure that she really does understand it. Ask her if she would like to try the bite of food now so she can come out of the timeout room, or would she rather spend another 10 minutes in the room. She might just choose to stay there. If so, repeat yourself, but add 5 minutes to the time every other time you do it. Also, of course, make sure that even though it's not her room, there's nothing of entertainment value in there. The timeout room in my house is a 2nd guest bedroom that we NEVER use. It has a bed and 4 bare walls. The kid doesn't like it much in there. Eventually she'll decide that eating one bite of food in order to gain her freedom sounds like a pretty good idea. I also noticed that you seem to be allowing her to drink sodas. First off, just from a dietary standpoint, a 4 year old does NOT need sodas. Hell a 40 year old doesn't need the things, but a kid certainly shouldn't have it at that age. Diet aside, if you keep giving the kid sugary stuff like sodas, candy, etc, then she's less likely to be willing to try non-junk foods for two reason. 1) kids want a daily sugar intake that's enough to crystalize an ant colony. They'd eat it straight out of the bag if you'd let them. Give 'em too much, and they start not wanting to eat anything unless it's loaded with sugar. 2) sugar fills 'em up FAST. So, for example, if your daughter had a coke at 3:30 and then you put food in front of her at 5, and it's not more sugar, she's not gonna feel hungry. Bottom line? Kids must be taught that what the parent says, goes. I'm not saying you have to be a dictator, but they must understand that the house is not a democracy, and they do not have a voice in their fate unless you allow them to have one. If you tell the kid to eat one bite of food, the kid must understand that not eating it will result in immediate consequences. On the flip side, if she does eat it, and honestly hates it, I wouldn't make her eat more of it as long as there were enough other foods that she liked that she could get a balanced diet.

03-10-2005, 06:23 PM	#11 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	Thanks all for the support and suggestions. She finally tried the food this afternoon at 5:30. After that she came and asked for more. She said she liked it a lot. In her words "It's not so bad! I actually liked it." so she tried it - got plenty for more supper. As for the soda - I rarely buy it. I had 1 liter bottle of soda left from the past weekend when we'd celebrated my B-day. She loves milk and that's what she usually drinks. She loves to eat cheese and apples for snack and I'm sure to keep those around all the time. I don't keep a lot of candy in the cupboard and the last time I bought store bought cookies was over a month ago. Last time I bought chips was for a party we had. She gets crackers, cheese, ham, venison sausage, milk, and plenty of good thigns to eat. Her point was to eat anything that she's not allowed to eat instead of what she's asked to eat. I've tried timeouts. One time I sent her to to her room to clean pick up her stuffed animals and put them back in the basket. She was used to doing this with me but I was unable to help her. This is at 3 yrs old. She had a tantrum about doing it so I told her she wasn't going to leave the room till it was done. In retaliation she ripped every last toy and clothing out of her closet and some clothes out of a drawer as well. I made her stay there til the animals were put away as well as a couple items that I knew she could handle. I did go to put the clothes away myself and put her animals and the basket on the bed where she was sitting stonewalling me. I told her that she could leave her room after those were put away. She sat there on the bed doing nothing (by her choice I might add since I never stopped her from playing even) and refused to put the animals away for over 4 hours. I was a stubborn girl - more stubborn than this, my mother tells me. I would admit that I can be quite stubborn. It's apparently genetic. She did finally eat the ONE single bite I'd saved for her and I praised her for it and gave her hugs. I'm hoping that this will show her at the very least that new thigns don't always taste bad. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

03-10-2005, 06:29 PM	#12 (permalink)
DEI37 Go faster! Location: Wisconsin	You? Stubborn? Never! __________________ Generally speaking, if you were to get what you really deserve, you might be unpleasantly surprised.

03-10-2005, 07:09 PM	#13 (permalink)
Demeter Psycho	This is where our parents words come back to haunt us. I was a very stubborn child. And my parents would say, one day you will have a child just like you. And I did. Its the circle of life.

03-12-2005, 01:51 PM	#15 (permalink)
Gatorade Frost Rookie	I missed past half of this. I got the general gist of the whole thing, but I would say yes, you have to win this test of wills. And one important fact is to not let your kids out until they eat. My parents always tried that on me (And to this day, I despise vegetables. Even in my teen years I was like "Eh, I'm a mature adult, kinda, I should try new things" and lo and behold, they're simply disgusting to me), but I've got a will of iron. I've gone without food for quite some time just to prove a point, and hey, eventually I got my way. The moral, though, is that if your kids want food odds are they'll be able to get what they want with or without you. Midnight-3 food runs when everyone's asleep or going to a neighbor's or a friend's to get what they want. So be sure to keep an eye on the young'n all the time to make sure you're going to win the skirmish. Hopefully I'll be able to stare my kids down about food some day, not having foods I dislike grown on me has made some dinners particularly akward for me, I guess is the easiest way to describe it.

03-13-2005, 06:01 AM	#16 (permalink)
canuckguy I read your emails. Location: earth	I'm taking notes over here.....my friends little one will only eat those mini-pizza's, so he loads them up with extra vegs..etc. kid still eats them, but will not eat them seperately.

03-13-2005, 05:46 PM	#17 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	Reanna -- good for you! You stuck to your guns and it worked! Shakran, although your intentions are good, and generally I agree with what you say, 10 minutes of time out for a four year old is way too long. A general time out rule is 1 minute for every year of age with a max. of 5 minutes. My stories: When my ex and I first got married, my then 10-year-old step son demanded that I make him a different dinner as he didn't like the one being served. I said, "no problem," got up, took his plate and washed the food down the disposal. I then sat down to eat. He asked where his meal was. I replied, "I cook again at breakfast time." He was very upset, "what should I eat, I'll starve!" I said, "I understand, I get hungry when I choose not to eat dinner too -- but breakfast is only 9 hours away. I'm sure you'll be fine until then." He always ate what was served after that. My daughters have each had the same treatment. One time of seeing the food washed down the drain was enough for each. Once in awhile I still have to get up to take their plate -- but it takes just me pushing my chair back and they aplogize for complaining then eat what was served. __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

03-15-2005, 01:21 PM	#18 (permalink)
sashime76 Addict Location: Hoosier State	We have a 4 year old fighter at home as well. It's tough battling him but even thougher when my wife gives in a couple of hours later. I found and sent some links to her earlier today. Below are what I have found, hope they are helpful to you. http://www.gospelcom.net/narramore/finicky_eater1.htm http://www.fisher-price.com/us/paren...rticleid=38847 http://www.healthdistrict.org/HWlibr...ickyeaters.htm http://www.truestarhealth.com/member...05ML4P1A6.html - read about juice

03-16-2005, 05:35 PM	#21 (permalink)
shakran Tone.	Then you certainly know that there are widely differing schools of psychological thought on just about any issue you can come up with. A Skinerian would spank the kid, figuring the reasons behind her behavior were less important than changing the behavior through a negative stimulus, a Freudian would assume the kid was acting out on feelings deep within her subconscious and attempt to find out what they were, and Erickson would take this child's actions as meaning she was deep in stage 3, initiative vs. guilt. Myself, if she puts up a huge fight and absolutely won't do what she is told, she gets sent to the timeout room for 10 minutes. If during that ten minutes she decides she wants to do it, she can come out, do it, and we're done. Otherwise, in 10 minutes I go in to remind her of her choices.

03-16-2005, 05:45 PM	#22 (permalink)
StanT © Location: Colorado	The philosophy around our house was that it was a home, not a restaraunt. We prepared one meal, you can take it or leave it. If you don't like it. that's fine; but there won't be any snacks or dessert to supplement it. Both of my daughters have likes and dislikes, but I wouldn't call either a picky eater.

03-17-2005, 03:32 PM	#24 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	Well I'm pleased to report that the method I chose for that last battle has paid off big time. When it came to another meal where she turned down the broccoli covered with cheese I told her she could choose between waiting to eat it later before she got something else to eat or eating it now (then) and then getting some more of the mashed potatoes she liked from the meal. She waiting at the table while we ate for 15 minutes and then finally tried it and ate more then the required one bite. After that she said she wasn't hungry and didn't need more potatoes. She knew she wasn't gonna stonewall me and was willing to TRY the food and go on with what she wanted to do. I've seen a marked improvement in her eating habits. She's much more willing now to eat what is placed in front of her instead of requesting her favorites or changing her mind after I've bought of fixed the meal. The changing her mind post preparation has been a naughty habit of hers and has ended up in a number of missed meals but not a holdout such as I faced last week. Her overall behavior has been sweeter and she's voiced her opinion or desires but hasn't expressed them in a whiny demanding tone. We've allowed her a lot of what she's requested when it's not been a change of mind and when it's been expressed politely. I'm quite pleased with the results. edit:typo __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma. Last edited by raeanna74; 03-17-2005 at 08:09 PM..

03-29-2005, 02:43 AM	#25 (permalink)
darkangel Crazy Location: AB, Canada	I'm not a parent, but I say yes, keep firm with the dinners. My brother is 14 years old and still won't eat ANYTHING that didn't come from 7-11. He will not touch a vegetable - he won't even have hamburgers if they were fried in a pan, he needs them barbequed. He's been this way for as long as I can remember, and it's all because my mom wasn't firm enough. Now, he doesn't eat any meals and then goes to the corner store and gets filled up on that junk. He just upright refuses to eat anything with any sort of vitamin. (In fact he sometimes takes vitamin pills in replacement). He won't even have mac & cheese, something I thought all kids loved. I have never had a problem eating dinners, because I know when I'm gone, I'll actually want that home-cooked meal. Who knows what's going to happen with my brother. Sorry for bumping the thread if it's "ended" but I guess I missed the start and wanted to add that. It does effect kids later on in their years. __________________ "I'm gonna die when it's time for me to die.. so let me live my life the way I want to." - Jimi Hendrix

04-13-2005, 11:19 AM	#26 (permalink)
matthew330 Banned	Promise them the "Happy Plate" song if they eat everything, sounds ridiculous but i remember it working for me. I remember chocking down the nastiest food just so i could hear: "HAPPY PLATE, HAPPY PLATE, MATTHEW MADE A HAPPY PLATE", sung a few times over i can't remember if there was anything more to the song. Probably wouldn't work for a 14 year old though.

04-15-2005, 06:55 PM	#28 (permalink)
EULA Crazy Location: Bowling Green, KY	Ah, yes. This is where Americans develop "food issues". We don't eat when we're hungry, we don't drink when we're thirsty, we are forced to eat food we don't want, we don't drink when we're thirsty. Stop controlling her, and she will stop arguing with you. She will probably make herself sick at first, but don't be surprised if this scene happens in your home: child: "Can I have some ice cream?" you: "Of course you can. Do you want me to get you some?" child: "No thanks. Nevermind."

04-15-2005, 08:17 PM	#29 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	Never battle over food!! If they don't like what's in front of them, fine. Kids won't starve for days. I have the same rules as mentioned-this isn't a restaurant. If they didn't like one part of the meal, they could have the others or fend for themselves. Many times my son had yogurt for dinner. He was a very fussy eater as a small child-strictly meat, potatoes, corn. Now, at 13, he loves things we never thought he'd even try. Kids need their own pace. If they aren't hungry, don't force them to eat. If they don't like what you have, they should know the only other option is to get something for themselves-not snacks or desserts. I've seen so many eating disorders, including severe obesity, in members of my own family because of the importance the parents placed on 'eating everything on their plate'. Some battles just aren't worth starting.