What are your thoughts on spankings???
 

Hello all...I was just wondering what you ppl think about spankings...is it a good way to teach discipline??? Isn't spanking another word for hitting to teach discipline...parents teach their children that hitting other peers and yelling at them is no way to get what you want...

So why do some parents do it??? Parents do it to get their child to do what they want them to do...isn't hitting your child just doing exactly the opposite of what you are trying to teach you NOT to do??? I'd like some comments on this subject....

- Undercover Man :cool:

i think spanking is okay, up to a certain age (different for each kid). i was spanked as a little kid (< 5), and the things that i got spanked for i learned not to do again (well, most of the time :)). i think the important thing is to make sure that the line between discipline and abuse is not crossed.

I think as long as your are not spanking because you are angry, then it's OK. I watch a friend with one of her hellions, and she tries to "reason" with this child. Now you know Heather, you really shouldn't be doing that. I'd call bullshit on it-- she's 3 - no she doesn't know, I don't think a three year old has the ability to reason - -Give her a swat on the butt -- teach her that ignoring direction from parents has consequences.

I had my ass spanked when I deserved it. I think that I turned out the better for it. I see way too many kids today that are in dire need of a good old fashioned "butt-blistering". I'm sorry, but you cannot reason with an out of control 3 year old. And what's with this negotiation crap? Who's the adult. It's a (your) child...not your equal. Assert some damn authority once in awhile, and little Johnny may not need Ritalin in another 4 years.

Exactly, you can't reason with a three year old, or even a five year old. You need to teach them that things have consequences. A good old fashioned swat is perfect.

exactly. Nothing funnier than watching a parent tell there kid over and over and over again not to do something.

I guess it's symantecs but we've never "spanked' our kids (now 9 and 11), however, we have delivered many a swat to the butt to get the kids attention. Spanking, to me, means swatting repeatedly AS the punishment which makes ME responsible for their suffering. They are the ones responsible for their actions and we wanted them to learn that lesson. Plus, I just never wanted to be feared, physically, by my kids.

The "swat" indicated to them that they'd pushed it as far as they could, and then they were disciplined in some other way. I hate to say it, because it is so cliche, but for my kids (when they were preschool) timeouts worked. This was combined with them disciplining themselves by their choosing what toy/stuffed animal/book/video they were going to give up .... of course we had to agree so they had to give up something difficult.

I can't think of the last time I had to swat, but the discpling has remained pretty much the same ..... and many times they are tougher in their punishment than I would impose.

Good luck.

Depends. I was spanked as a kid, and since I've always been a stubborn bastard sometimes it's the only thing that'd get the message across. Definitely helped instill me w/ some discipline.

Then again my best friend had a very abusive childhood. That turned him against the idea of physical pain as punishment, plus he's afraid that if he starts spanking his kid it could escalate to the point that he follows his parents' footsteps since he never really knew anything different. Best way to prevent that from happening is to avoid spankngs altogether.

I think that's rational and a good move in his case, even though I'm all for spankings as a good form of discipline in most cases.

I got spanked when I was a kid and I spank both of my kids now
I dont see anything wrong with it as long as you dont take it to far

Spanking is illegal in my country. So I 'd have to say no to that.

Illegal I undersatnd beating a child but there is a diffrence between the two

Never spanked either of my kids... didn't need to or want to.

I was spanked growing up, (only a couple times), and I've spanked 3 of my 4 kids. I don't do it often, and only to the younger child, 5. Most times, just the threat is a deterent. I've never beaten my kids, but put a good spank on. It's more the sound than the hurt that gets them. My 11 year old hasn't been spanked in probably 5 years, and my 7 year old probably 2 years. There is a time to stop. But don't ever spank while you are angry.

"Spanking of children within families is illegal in some countries (for example, Sweden, Finland, Denmark , Norway, Austria, Germany, Italy, Cyprus, Croatia, Israel and Latvia). Similar initiatives in the U.S. have repeatedly failed. Parental rights groups have formed since the 1990s to prevent spanking from being criminalized."

http://encyclopedia.thefreedictionary.com/Spanking

I had no idea it was that way in so many countries like I said before I don't see ant thing wrong with a spanking if its done right but I guess that's a diffrent argument what's the right and wrong way

When I was a child spanking in my family involved a belt. I believe this to be a form of child abuse. It hurt like hell and simply resulted in my brother and I becoming afraid of our father. The worst I plan on for my child is a swat to the butt if all other recourses have failed. Ex: timeouts, etc.

I was spanked. I have "swatted" my daughter's butt. I don't think I'll carry the spanking as far as my parents did. Mom tried to spank me when I was 18. I was pissed about that. When they are toddlers and unable to communicate or understand things well, a swat on the butt when they are doing something dangerous usually does the trick. I try to reserve the spankings for time when she's doing something dangerous to herself or another being. Like when she was 3 and wrapped a string around the cat's neck, I told her to stop, and she pulled. I spanked her. It was dangerous. When she was 2 and she used to run out into the road even when I told her to stop, I spanked her. If its something that could cause harm to her or someone else I can't wait for her to understand the danger. I need her to obey for her own safety and I need her to obey now. In my opinion a spanking for safety's sake is totally fine. I try NEVER to spank when I'm angry. And I always like to talk to her afterwards and explain what she did that was wrong. As long as she connects the spanking to what she did and knows it wasn't about her personally I think she'll be fine. Do it right, with reservation, and love and concern for your child and they should be fine.

I' sorry, but....exactly what right does the government have to tell a parent how they can or cannot discpline a child. And how exactly would they find out? That puts the child in the position of power. Gee, You can't spank me and if you do, you are gonna get arrested.
What else does the government have control over? Your child had to take vitamins, has to color within the lines, has to wear clean underwear every day? Ordinary parental discipline is NONE of the government's freakin' business.

Simply depends then on how ordinary is defined then.
Surely you can accept that your view is simply that?

Anyways, I'm not a parent, just a relatively responsible and mature adult, so my opinion on the subject does not *really* matter...but I suspect when the time comes, I would hope my case would similar to this:

but I respect Raeanna's view also...dangerous situations are a case where I could see it as justifiable.

All my opinion, no judgements here. :)

In some people's view hitting a child is the same as if you were hitting another adult. In the case of hitting another adult, the law would say it's assault.

The laws were enacted to protect children.

Personally, I just don't see the need to hit my kids. I have been quite successful disciplining my children in other ways.

Oh billy....I love you *slap*

Talk about an oxy-moron.....I cannot be violent with my kids, it simply goes against what I wish to teach them. I see no reason (other than my own lack of parenting skills) to beat my children.
But, if others feel the need, that is up th them...as long as it isn't abuse......please don't ask me where the line is here.

Clearly there are more than the two options of A) Spank or B) Reason.

Sure, you can't reason with a 3 year old, but there are other consequences to misbehaving that aren't physical.

I have a 15 month old daughter who i've never hit and don't plan to. I firmly believe in the idea that kids shouldn't fear their parents. Respect them, yes, but not fear them.

BTW I was spanked as a kid..

I feel that a spanking on the tush is ok, (I got my share as a child & looking back, I feel that I deserved it. I currently have a great relationship with my parents) only when the other options dont get through to the child (Time outs & taking away privilages). I dont feel spanking an infant or a child who does not understand what they are doing wrong is accatpable. I never agree with anyone who would hit a child anywhere other than the butt.

Not a problem as long as there is no anger backing up the spanking and the child knows why they are being spanked. Spanking obviously in addition to discussion, time-outs, etc. Spanking should not be the only form of discipline a child recieves. It should be a part of a well rounded and integrated discipline scheme if someone is so inclined to use corporal punishment with their child.

There is a BIIIIIIIIG difference between spanking and flat out hitting/beating a child. I'm only an 18 year old, but I know that spanking is giving your kid a tap on the butt and very sternly telling them 'no.' I think it's alright for a child that will not be reasoned with, but that child needs to understand why he/she is spanked.

Hitting a child, on the other hand, is abuse. It is wrong to physically harm a child to the point where it makes them afraid of their own parents. I've gone through it, and I'm a sure others have too. It affected me to the point that pleasure is pain, pain is punishment, and I have a low self-esteem. That is NOT what a child needs.

Spanking- okay, if needed and reasoning will not get the kid to stop.
Hitting- never okay, and if the parents continues, the abuse should be reported.

Edit: Also, I think that hitting is when you leave marks, or emotionally/mentally affect that child.

eh, a spank or two kept me in line when i was a little punk-ass 8 year old.

Well, for us, we feel that it doesn't present a positive and effective discipline. You don't want your kids to be afraid of you. There are many other options other than spanking.
Also, especially with an independent, rebellious personality like myself, it would never work on my son anyways. Never worked on me.

It won't teach your child anything. Try to use lessons and not beatings

There's nothing wrong with spankings. I was spanked allot, and I'm glad I was.

Just one rule though:

Do it out of concern, not anger.

I was spanked as a child, but my parents did it with a wooden spoon... in my parents defense I'm a normal person and I deserved all of what I got.

I still have a great relationship with my parents but I don't look back on many childhood moments with relish due to spankings. Often it was done in public or in front of friends, and continued until I was 8 or 9 years old.

I don't have kids yet but I know that from my own experiences I will want to hold off spanking a child until its a last ditch effort to get through to them.

I have one I swat and one I time out. That's what works for them. One lackadasical swat on my son's rear and he is at attention, my daughter, on the other hand, would rather take a beating by Mike Tyson than get a time out...so you know that's what she gets.

As for spanking in general, some kids need that attention getter, some kids don't. Not all kids respond the same way, so it really is up to the kid what discipline regimen works. As parents we adapt.

That being said, I don't think we should be judgemental as spankers versus non-spankers, kids have a way of deciding this themselves.

My whole life, my mom has run a daycare center from our home. She did this in order to keep working and still take care of yours truly. Now I'm 18 and have seen countless children grow up. I've seen parents from both sides, and I've also seen how my mom -- barred by law from physical punishment -- has had to handle kids. There are some that, upon reaching the "terrible twos," refuse to listen. I've thought time and time again, that kid needs a spanking. One case in particular gets to me every time. There was a young boy, adopted from Russia by his single father. Since my house is a pretty fun place for kids to hang out at with plenty of peers their age, he never wanted to leave. When he'd scream and cry, his father would pick him up and say "no." This had no effect, yet the father would keep enduring the crying. It got to the point where the son started hitting the father (in the face). This I would not take from my child. A simple slap on the butt and the child would stop.

This is reflective of a growing problem I've noticed with the children of America: due to all this anti-spanking and anti-abuse sentiment, children no longer respect their parents' superiority. When I was a kid, my parents had the final say. I could not change their "no" to a "yes." Today I can, but I'm an adult now. There needs to be a point when a child gains this power, but it needs to be closer to 16 than to 6. Parents are too soft, and it results in them being pushovers to their kids. So if you have a kid who misbehaves, spank him/her and, if it works, you'll have taught the child something. If spanking doesn't work, then don't assume you need more spanking; some kids need time-outs, some need priveliges taken away. Experiment.

This brings me to another point. Parents aren't spending enough time with their kids to figure out what works. You can't drop a child off at daycare at 8 in the morning, pick him/her up at 5, eat dinner, and then plop the kid in front of the TV. That's going to have a serious effect on the child's development, no matter if the channel he/she's watching is Cartoon Network or the Discovery Channel. Spend time with your kids, cultivate relationships, and discipline when necessary, always reminding them who's boss.

My reason for no to spanking is this:

I was spanked/hit as a child. ( Yes, it's illegal here, but who the hell listens to a kid? )

Spanked at home, bullied at school made me feel that I had no one to go to, no one to talk to, nowhere to go.

When I was 14 I tried to hang myself because I couldn't take it anymore. It didn't work, so I decided to just get the hell away from them asap. Moved out at 16 and now I haven't seen them since I was 17 (I'm 23 now). I have no desire to do so either. As far as I'm concerned I have no family.

( IMO, a family is those who love you, those who care about you. Not those who hurt you and make you feel unloved. )

The only thing being spanked taught me was that it's easier to use violence than to talk/try to understand what went wrong. Unless the child is clear on what he/she/it did wrong, he/she/it will think that hitting someone is okay.

Children emulate their parents. I've noticed that my first instinct when getting frustrated/angry at someone is to hit them. I don't like that part of me.

I don't think this is a spanking issue. I think it's an issue of parents not backing up their threats of punishment.

Whether you spank or don't spank, you're not going to get anywhere whith hollow threats. If your kid is misbehaving at the toy store and you say "If you hit me one more time you aren't gettting that toy," but then get the toy anyways when the kid hits you, then you are not being an effective disciplinarian.

The problem is that parents don't like it when their kids don't like them. Tough shit. It's not your job to be your kid's friend (at least not until they are grown and out of the nest) so sometimes you have to be the bad guy.

I've raised/am raising 5 children. Ex spanked the first 3. It NEVER worked. It taught them to fear us and to lie. You see, if they lied, then they might not get caught and might not get spanked.

Then I started teaching parenting classes. I read research about spanking that I can only summarize (can't find). First it shows that 100% of prisoners were spanked. That doesn't mean that if you are spanked you will go to prison, it just shows if you aren't, you most likely won't. Second, 100% of children who have experienced sexual abuse were spanked. Again, being spanked doesn't mean that you will be sexually abused, it just increases the odds. There is a mixed message in spanking. We tell children: "Don't let ANYONE touch you in your privates in a way that isn't comfortable." Then we spank them on their private bottoms and it isn't comfortable!

So, I have never spanked my youngest two. However, I have disciplined and my children are VERY WELL behaved. A-matter-of-fact, my older children say that I'm one of the strictist mom's they know even though I don't spank.

What are the ways I teach my kids:
1. For every no (even to a two year old) give two yesses. "You may not hit me. You may hit a pillow or the sofa."
2. Redirect -- rather than saying "don't hit the cat," remove the cat from the room and give the child something else to play with. Even young children can be easily distracted.
3. Let "nature" teach them. If a child is hurting a cat, the cat will scratch. Oops, lesson learned. Obviously this doesn't work in every situation -- you don't want your child to play in the street, not brush his/her teeth, or get bit by a dog. But it can work often. Another example, he/she helps clean up the juice he/she spills or wash the crayon off the wall, be too hot or too cold with or without a jacket, etc.
4. Use logical consequences. If your child hits you in the store -- WALK OUT NOW. Don't give them another chance. A cop doesn't say, "oh, I see this is the first time you have sped today. If I catch you again, you'll get a ticket." No she gives you a ticket on the spot. The same works with children. My son would whine after swim lessons every week to go to McDonalds for dinner. I'd say, "I expect you to ask nicely." And I would not stop. One week he finally asked nicely and we stopped (even though I didn't feel like it.)
5. Teach your child that TIME OUT is a good way to cool down. Try not use it as "punishment." I model this by saying, "I'm pretty upset right now, I need some time to think. I'm going to my room for a few minutes." At other times I will say, "you seem pretty upset. I'll be happy to listen to you when you calm down. Go to your room for now and come back when you are calm." When they were younger, I did, at times, have to put them in their rooms -- but they learned it worked. Now my daughters put themselves on time out and it works great.

I can go on and on with other ideas. Basically, there are a ton of options to spanking that equate to good parenting. Children that are not spanked do not have to be wild.

When I was a kid, spankings weren't a way to cause pain, or really to dicipline. They were used as an attention getter. After being told to stop doing something 5 or 6 times, a little smack on the bottom got my attention, since it wasn't done very often. It triggered something in my mind that said "Hey dumbass, pay attention, you really need to listen."

It's like when you are speaking to an adult, and they just won't listen to the words you are saying. You really just want to smack them upside the head and get them to focus on what you are saying.

I have a 11month daughter, and I have not had the need to spank her, because she won't know why the hell I'm doing it. However, I have smacked her on the hand lightly, and given a stern "No" when she picks up things that could harm her, or tried to eat a piece of cat poop.

I think it has had the desired effect. They got her attention, and she learned something. The little hand slaps are no longer necessary (I only had to do it a couple of times, and it never caused her pain, or to cry), now the stern NO gets the point across.

My son better move to one of those places soon......... That kid gets a spanking daily. I kinda got the one swat method, the wife though..... she will wail away till she gets the spot she wants.

I'm 19 now and i was spanked when i was younger, myself and my two brothers on occasion, when we deserved it. My parents never beat any of us, and we're all well behaved and have learned from the mistakes we've made (for the most part, i mean i'm still young right?)... I'm not quite sure if i plan on spanking my future children, but I understand the reasoning behind it and as much as it sucked, we needed it....

btw, sexymamma, reading your advice there had some absolutely brilliant ideas. It gave me a more positive out look on parent/child relationships and how to raise better behaved children. Thanks

If you have to spank every day doesn't that say that it's not working?

This is what I've done with my kids and it works extremely well. They key is to stay engaged with them. Smacking you kid is a short cut.

spanking kids doesn't do anything except fuck them up.

time-outs are harder, but more effective.

now, spanking grownups can be a whole lot of fun, that's the subject of another forum.... ;)

I was spanked as a child..my mother used her hand until she broke one of her fingers because of a sea shell I had forgotten I had in my back pocket when I was 5...after that I had to go pick my own switch from outside...and whoa be unto me if I came back with a small one...I have great respect for my parents and never feared them..unless you count the..."my mom is gonna kill me if she finds out" thoughts you have as a teenager.

I have an 11 year old daughter...I have spanked her less times than she is old...I ALWAYS used my hand though because that way I know when its time to stop...when you use another implement as my mother did, you have a tendance to do it longer than needed, I found 3 swats of the hand to be sufficient (because I know if my hand is starting to hurt so is her little butt)...time out never ever worked for her as she very quickly learned to make a game out of it. Now that she is getting older things such as grounding, restricting activity work much better and I dont see the need to spank one that is the age she is now.

Good comments sexymama!!!

My wife and I never spank our kids (6 & 4 years old). If you spank a child, they may grow up believing that hitting is an acceptable way to resolve conflicts. My advice is to punish by taking away rewards or toys ("No video games because you hit your sister....")

Well, I'm only the parent of one, a little girly, but from what I understand, assuming that all children are alike is foolish. Not that any of you are foolish. There are a lot of good points here. I look at it like this, but only for my child, this may not work for other kids.

Sure, we want to teach our children that hitting people for the hell of it is meaningless. At the same time, however, if somebody hits my little girl, or tries some sick crap with her, I think I'd be proud if she beat the shit out of him/her.

I think from the time a child is born you are unable to reason with a child through logic and decision making. Then, their entire childhood is a long transition from that to full blown reasoning adults(we hope).

I never question another parents technique in the hopes that they will leave me to my own devices in child bearing. Because of this I am able to be more consitant, and I believe being constant is the key. If, at home, a child does something wrong and you spank them, but in public they do the same thing wrong and you let it slide so nobody sees you spanking you child, then the child gets mixed messages about the spanking.

My little girl is two and is getting to where she can understand things like, "You do blah, or you do blah." Then she makes the choice accordingly and I enforce it. For instance, "You pick up your toys and place them into the toybox, or you stand with you hands on the wall until I say you're done." At this point if the hands come off of the wall I will, without hesitation or guilt, smack her hands or butt until she realizes that she has made the less enjoyable decision.

I believe it is always best to give a choice and to delineate between what is right and what is wrong, but when a child takes an action not given in one of the choices, I'd hope that any parent would step in and physically force the child to redirect its attention to the chosen option. Otherwise the child has won, and knows a weakness in the system.

That was long winded, and I hope it made sense. One last thing.

I've not seen much here about positive reinforcement. This is my favorite. For instance I walk into Wal-Mart(my favorite store) and say to Carisma, "If you do exactly as I say while we are here, then you can ride Garfield when we are leaving. Ok?" She always agrees. However, not always does she hold up to her end of the bargain. If, even once, she gets out of line I tell her now she doesn't get to ride garfield. As we are leaving the store, despite her efforts to exploit my weakness to "I love you"'s and kisses on the cheek and aside from all the begging that she promises to be a good girl and wants to be my best friend I still do not let her ride. CONSISTENCY! I told her the stipulations and held her to them. Sometimes it breaks my heart to do so, but I really think that is where success lies.

On the flip-side, when she does do well, and get to ride garfield or whatever enjoyable event, it makes me very happy to see her enjoying herself as a result, and she is also very proud of herself.

Herk

As I see it (as a parent of 9 yrs) there is a fine line between discipline and abuse . . . as has been stated above, if emotion (ie, anger/frustration) is removed from the disciplinary process it is the call of the parent in question. Different children respond to situations differently. My eldest son when smacked would either laugh at you and let you know it didn't hurt, or howl like a banshee with its head cut off . . . either way you couldn't win.

Having said that the odd smack never hurt me (in the long run).

S

I have a 13-year, old and have spanked her a total of 3 times her entire life. One of those times she was three years old and had climbed out onto the roof from an open window on the second floor of an old house. It was a total reaction on my part, and I wanted her to know, “NO!” It was so scary.

Two other times were when she was older, and was throwing a serious temper tantrum. She quickly stopped throwing those, of that magnitude anyway.

Besides that it’s been “Time out.” It has always worked. I can still tell her to this day, “Go to your room,” and she goes. Sometimes there’s an argument, but more punishment comes with those too, so…

All and all I’m pretty blessed I think. :)

Coercion is something I will never agree with in child rearing. Children should learn from the consequences of their own behavior. Therefore, I find setting healthy boundaries, and sticking to a reasonable, non-physical form of discipline is usually the healthiest choice. Children need to be aloud to make the wrong decisions, and learn from their mistakes. There can always be exceptions to this rule, but normally, trial and error are the best tools towards achievement oriented development.

Well, I'm glad if one can raise a child without it, but I do not understand how.

The times I was referring to were when despite what you tell your child they continue to do what they were doing wrong. You can tell them, "Go to your room... time out.... dang it time out," but if they continue not listen to you, what next.

My only point is that sometimes the chance for non-physical solutions come and go. Then your left with a kid who did something wrong, maybe worse.

"No Johny, don't go outside or its time out... No, don't run away from me or its off to your room... No No don't run out into the road or you're grounded.... hey... .... o shit"

I happen to think that "NO" is the most important thing for a child to learn to keep you sane and them alive. So if they test the boundry of "NO" hell yes I will physically dominate by force(coerce) them if need be.

I have to add that I, as a child, was never spanked, save one fluke incident, and I like to think I turned into a properly functioning member of society. At the same time, my parents have told me that of the five they raised I was by far the easiest, and the others got spanked. Thats just a testament that all children react differently to different stimuli.

Thats just me though. There is no counting to 3 for my little girl. She gets one chance to do what I say.

Pinki, aside from a slightly different outlook about physical punishment and when to implement it, I don't think I could agree with you more completely. Children learning from their own mistakes, right on. Allowed to make wrong decisions, absolutely. Good stuff.

Herk

I hear you there.

About the other; A long time ago, when my daughter was in day care, and we first started using the dreaded, "time-out" I asked her teacher the same question, "How do I get her to stay on time-out? She always gets up, and runs the other direction!" She told me, take the child to her room, and ask her to sit on the bed, and stay on time-out by herself. Tell her she has a choice, she can either stay put like a big girl, or she can have Mommy help her stay put by sitting on her. (not hard, or in a rough manner) Just not allowing them to get up on their own.

All it took was a few times with my daughter having "help sitting" before she was sitting on time-out, with no help, all by her choice.

Best advice anyone ever gave me besides, “Don’t lie to your children,” and “Let them make their own mistakes.” :)

Damn straight with the honesty too, however you've made my point. :)

Mommy sitting on her is not a metaphysical thing. That is exactly what I am talking about. Physical demand where needed, not to hurt, but rather to persuade.

Cheers,
Herk

Ah, but she had a choice... ;)

I think that you and I have inadvertently come to agree. :)

We sure did. :)

That's a very interesting point. My wife and I have been discussing this very issue and are both leaning towards no spanking. I like your take on it and will let her know. Makes good sense.

It was OK by me for my younger kids, but I used it very sparingly.

I never did it when I was angry, or even mildly upset. I never mixed my emotional reactions with my parental discipline.

I used it only for situations where it was clear that my kids could never, ever do it again -- like running into the street, injuring a sibling, etc.

I also used it for lying. That was the hardest for me to do, but my kids are smarter than I am, and one of them needs boundaries every day, it seems, to keep on the straight and narrow.

They are preteens now. I can't remember the last time I spanked them. But I think it can clear the air in a disciplinary way very quickly when needed.

My brother, my two cousins, and me were spanked as kids. By my grand mother when we deserved it. We were spanked with a fly swat or what we nicked named the "switch tree" the bush by the back door. It had long vines that grew out of the main bush. We always got them on the behind. Occasionally we were spanked with her hand. Weal so got spankings from our parents.

Well we all turned out fine. None of us went to prison. In fact our parent got spankings also.

We only got them only after we were told to stop and when we deserved them. Like tearing off tag on clothes, running through the clothes on the round racks of clothes, pulling clothes off the tables, knocking over games and puzzles, etc.

We are not afraid of any of them, to this day. We never had bruises left on us, EVER, Also, the last time one of us got one was when were 12 and the was 15 years ago. The youngest of us is 27 now.

Interesting. I just read through this thread and I'm glad I've had 19 months of experience as a parent to draw from.

20 months ago I would have said "NO SPANKING", but I've come to see, as Herk mentioned, that physical intervention can be very useful. Having said that, I can honestly say I've never spanked my son (and don't intend to). But I certainly have grabbed, pulled, sat down and otherwise physically grappled with him in order to 'enforce' (for lack of a better term) the direction he has been given.

So I wouldn't strike him to use pain in order to create a deterrent, at least not yet, but I'm not averse to using my power and size as a bigger person to demonstrate the certaintly of the instructions I give him from time to time.

Thanks for the opportunity to think about that.

I really don't think spanking is a good idea. All it did was piss me off when I was a kid.

I can't disagree more. My little girl is 6, and she's never been spanked. Everyone she's stayed with has said she's the most well-behaved kid they've met. Yes, we talked about things with her from very early on. She's been scolded lots of times. We save the loud/stern voices for when it's called for, and it really gets her attention. She stand in the corner on occasion. She's had toys taken away for hours or days. Things like that are plenty effective. I can't imagine intentionally hurting her.

worked on me!

seriously, spankings (on the ass, only) were highly appropriate when I was too young to have reason (before kindergarten?). taught me not to throw a tantrum in the store really quickly, at the very least.

i think new parents are afraid of spanking because they think it's excessive...well, it can be, but you're not trying to kill the kid, just a couple of reasonable spankings to get the point across that "<insert behavior> = bad"

Braindamage351...thats what it was supposed to do...still pissed off? Or are you being good now?

i have a 4 year old who doesn't need to be spanked anymore. some thoughtful correction early pays off huge later on.

the one peer i have who has stayed with the idealistic, p.c., pre-toddler game plan of never laying a hand on their child have a 5 year old monster on their hands.

The trouble with spanking is that you set up a bad precedent in the kid's mind. "When someone does something bad, hit them hard and often to make sure they won't do it again."

Then people wonder why kids fight.

hit them hard and often to make sure they won't do it again.


-hard and often is clearly child abuse. that's not what i was writing about.

A couple of thoughts... I was spanked, not beaten, I turned out to be a productive citizen. I have spanked, they have become few and far between now, the kids are 8 and 10 now, and well behaved. They are able to reason and there are far more creative ways of discipline (cleaning, writing sentences, push-ups) that are far more hated than spanking and productive at the same time.

The other thought that bothers me is that countries or governments have the power to tell the citizen how to raise their child. Freedom is something not to be taken lightly, this is a prime example.

I personally would not want to hit my child. I would rather have my husband do it. If they are really bad (disprespectful, obnoxious, rude, or just bad in those senses) then I could see pulling out the belt or wooden spoon. I think intimidation is the key to getting a kid to listen and shut up. And that doesn't have to be by hitting. It could be by being their friend and then when something goes wrong in anysense then letting them know you mean business by out smarting them... or getting in their face.

That has been my belief ever since I was at the age to be spanked. My mom used to spank/hit us out of anger, rather than out of punishment, and all that did was make me grow an on-going hatred for her, which has evolved into me not caring for her in the slightest sense even today. I know that if she spanked me for good reasons, rather than just because she was pissed off at the world, I would've grown a respect for her rather than hatred.

I was spanked as a child and I'm VERY HAPPY my mother did it. I never did the same thing wrong twice. This timeout thing, to me, is a joke. "Go sit in the corner Johnny and think about what you did" Come on, how many of ya'll would have seriously sat in the corner and thought about what you did wrong? Few children view timeout as a serious punishment. At first, timeout can be useful, but then the child realizes that it's no big deal and could continue the behavior. Nobody wants to gets spanked. Thus, the child won't misbehave as much.

I turned out just fine by the way!

Got no problem with spanking. I must note that there's a big difference between spanking and beating.

I would just like to add one small thing (since I've already posted my opinion)

I was spanked and I can tell you I have never ONCE thought of hmm how do some of you keep putting it...."they may grow up believing that hitting is an acceptable way to resolve conflicts." yeah....I never remember thinking...wow I dont like whats going on, Im going to hit this person....Im 36 and I've hit someone exactly twice in my entire life....so that argument doesnt hold water with me

I have a 1 yr old daughter that I will never spank because she is my daughter but I will leave that to my wife to spank her because I can't bring myself to do that...but I do spank my little brother who is 21 years younger then I am...spanking is a healthy thing to teach the kid discpline and it is far different from hitting...hitting is something done out of anger/frustration/rage where spanking is to discipline and teach.....it all depends on the kid though

I have tried the time out thing and it has no effect on my little brother and spanking is starting to do the same but what I found out is that he doesn't like to be pinned against something...IE...lay him down against the back pillow of the couch and sit in front of him so my back is holding him between the pillow and myself and that makes him listen....may sound mean but when he grows out of spanking and timeouts its time to try new things....

Dont blame society for the outcome of kids, blame the parents......it all starts with the parents and society only helps contribute when the parent sux ass at parenting IMHO..

bonehed, bite the bullet and spank her. If you don't, the kid will begin to associate punishment with just the mother. Both parties should spank, or neither should spank.

Another good rule of thumb: Whichever parent thinks the kid needs a spanking should NOT the the person spanking them. The other one should do the spanking, to assure that it's done moderately and not out of anger or parental fear.

Spanking is a huge issue right now in psychology. There is much debate. Recent empirical research does indicate that children who are spanked have higher levels of aggression even when other variables (e.g., SES, Race, Gender) are held constant. Kids who are spanked are more at risk to learn aggression than those who are not spanked. However, many people (including myself) were spanked as children and turned out just fine. When I was spanked, it got my attention. Spanking can be useful when immediate compliance is necessary because the child's actions are dangerous like running in the street. But, spanking will only reduce problem behaviors. It will only tell the child what not to do, but it doesn't tell the kid what he or she should be doing instead. That's why spanking should never be used in and of itself. If you do use it, make sure the kid knows why he/she is getting spanked, and make sure the kid knows what he or she could have done to not get spanked (good activities). Just my thoughts and definately feel free to disagree,

Lpj8

A spanking is discipline not abuse.If you are mad when you go to hand out the punishment thenyou need to stop breathe and then react. My mom used to say that she spanked me everyday to keep in preactice. lol My 1 yar old son knows his boundaries and mine and he knows hat when he's crossed them that either his hand or his butt is gonna get spatted. And though 'm not sposed to kaugh at him I do cause he just gets this look in his eyes that says that he knows he's got it coming.

Spanking belongs in the realm of the sexual. Unless you think it's okay to get sexual with your children, then I think you know how I feel about spanking them. Corporal punishment of any sort is an absolutely dismal method of socializing a human being.

Discipline should not be condensed to spanking or not spanking. I think it involves so much more than that, as sexymama and others have commented. Positive reinforcement, clearly laid out limits, informing your child of the consequences of his/her actions, etc...spankings can be included in that. But it's not always necessary for every child. I have one child who only requires a frown to straighten up. When mine were small I did spank when it came to safety (running in the street, fingers in light sockets, etc). And for being, for lack of a better word, defiant. (My other son once threw a cup at my mom when he was two. I spanked him for it.) But we don't just spank. As they have grown older other methods are more effective and much more disagreeable for them. Which is the point isn't it? To make the behavior unappealing? To teach them self control...etc...

To depend on any "punishment" alone is going to be ineffective period. Teaching your kids to behave isn't about just "punishment". At least I don't think so.

My wife and I found a great resource on Child Discipline. The title is DQ Factor. I'm not sure of the author right now. In one chapter, the author states that for certain personality types (or perhaps all, I don't remember), spanking was like 20% effective whereas isolation (being sent to their room) was 90% effective. In just about all personality types, the author suggests to use natural consequences where the child's health and well being is not at stake. He relates a story of a mother who's daughter poked around and was consistently late for school. The mother instituted a policy of, "We leave for school at 7:30 regardless of what state you are in." That means, if the child is still in her pajamas, she goes to school in her pajamas. If she hasn't finished her breakfast, then she'll have to wait for lunch.

The wife and I have begun to implement more of this type of discipline and have found it to be rather effective thus far. As for spanking, the wife and I use it as a last resort. What we call spanking is typically a few (3 or less) swats to the gluteous maximus, normally with the hand. My 3 year old is still in diapers, which take the sting out completely and eliminate the risk of bruising. Even though it doesn't hurt him, he get's the point. Now, my wife has not found spanking our son to be effective. Come to think of it, I haven't spanked either of our older children (4.5 years and 3 years) in several months. I've threatened, but have not needed to follow through. I really don't like doing it. When I do, it's because the child has done something where I am not willing to let the natural consequences come about (the child could get seriously hurt), is normally due to direct and willfull disobedience, or the child is completely hysterical and needs something to bring them back. Now that I'm thinking about it, perhaps a splash of cold water in the face would work better for the hysterical child... But when I just told him/her to not do something and they look me in the eye and do exactly what was just forbidden, they are just asking to be disciplined. The author of DQ Factor attributes disobedience in children to a certain insecurety. The structure provided by a loving parent helps to provide the security that the child needs.

The long and short of it is that spanking has been proven by research to be considerably less effective than other forms of discipline. Some creativity on the parents' part is helpful. There are some situations where a spanking is completly unneccesary, like killing a house fly with a shotgun. A swatter would get the job done without all the messy collateral damage.

I'm a new dad with a six month old, so obviously no discipline problems yet.

However when I get to the situation where discipling is required I really do hope I can 'think' before reacting. The quickest and easiest solution is to react instinctively, whether it be physical (smack) or mental (yelling). If I could take a deep breath, relax for 5 seconds and then proceed to explain his actions or as some other people have pointed out other forms of resolutions, it'll be better for all.

At times it will be hard, as you can get angry, embarressed, irritated etc, but I hope I can just react in the right manner.

Spanking begins where parental skills end.

-

Off the subject...what's with all these kids being diagnosed with ADD these days? Back in my kiddie days a coupla decades ago there wasn't much talk about ADD. Of course we were hyper and up to no good - we were kids for Christ's sake! Now you need to pump them full of Ritalin and shit and get them counselling.

If two six year olds play "doctor", is that statutory rape? Or are we still allowed to learn things from sources other than CD-ROM and DVD?

Well Prince, it's been relatively recent that ADD was medicalized (and on false grounds no less). Basically, in order for something to be considered a disease (ie. treatable primarily through drugs), it has to cause "laceration" or physical damage. They said that ADD does it, but since there wasn't any proof of it, they said it caused very tiny areas of damage that couldn't be found by normal means. :rolleyes:

spanking gets the job done. period. i was spanked til age 12 and feel im all the btter for it.. we had a whole routine.. there usually wasnt supprise things i could do to get the corpral punishment . i mean generally i knwe if i was somthing that warented it.. if the time came i went to the " check out counter" and paid my dues.. it was rarely even close to abuse.. and only ever went near the line when i smarted off during or said it didnt hurt or basiclly somthing aigain i knew not to do... i now have 2 kids both to young to understand the reasoning but both old enuf to know right and wrong... a swat or 2 on the butt is a verry efective way to say whoa thats not right or dont do that again..


i think the hardest thing is not to be mad durring...

i try to " cool off" and then do it.. but not wait to long so the " crime" is still fresh in evreyones mind.. dont want to punish and have the kids forget why.

I didnt read the previous posts before I wrote this so I don't know if I'm going against popular opinion, but then again I don't care.

I was spanked, I know for a fact that it worked, that I wasn't abused or beaten, and that I'll be spanking my children. I'll do it in the privacy of my own home so all those who are against it can't call the cops on me.

I think it's a good thing.

A child needs a firm hand. I dont care what anybody says. How else will a child learn whats right from wrong? a kid doesnt know until told. I dont mean a beating of course. a wallop across the fanny is more than sufficient. In fact, the mere threat of a spanking usually gets my kids in line.

It's not a good long-term solution. At some age (10?, 12?) it's no longer practical or effective. You may as well start early on a more effective response, because you're gonna need it. I've been there.

Only spank them if they really deserve it, and dont be too rough. it worked in me.

There is a reason that ruling a nation thru fear always fails. I don't like the idea of controling a child thru fear. It'll just make the child more susceptible of hating the parent(s) and the child'll end up being a bad person and then land in jail or be killed. :eek:

I'm surprised how many people spank. Just look at this thread. But I feel that for those people who do spank or believe it's okay, don't really think about it too much. Usually, if a parent was spanked as a child, they usually feel they deserved it and don't see anything wrong with it.

I was spanked only once or twice in my life and it was horrifying. I would never ever spank my kids. It does feel like hypocrisy to me -- we teach our kids not be violent toward others, yet we feel it's okay to spank them? Yes, I see spanking as violence. Whether as an attention-getter or punishment, it's still inflicting pain on someone else.

My biggest problem with spanking, I feel, is that it changes the relationship between parent and child. A parent should always be a person who provides love and security, and I feel that spanking would undermine that. And spanking, I feel, makes both the parent and child disconnect from each other. And that's not something I would want, when I want an open, honest relationship with my child.

And finally, I don't find spanking effective. I know a few people who spank their kids, and they're always spanking them. I don't think it really works. I feel encouraged to hear that there are other parents who feel the same way I do, and have actually raised their kids without lifting a hand against them.

Ritalin is for parents who are afraid to spank their kids!

And I feel for parents that think you cant have an open honest relationship with their child because they've been spanked....and I feel for all of us that have to deal with the kids of parents that dont spank in the grocery stores and resturants where the parents thinks its perfectly ok to sound like a broken record telling their child no...or think its ok to let them scream and run around and generally disrupt life for the others around them.

I don't find that it has changed my realtionship with my children. Not at all.

Do you really believe that I can't be open and honest with my children because I have spanked them? :crazy:

I find it very effective when used properly.

Violence is part of life. Pain is part of life. Look at the times we live in. I will not raise a child who is sheltered. They need to have these experiences to become well rounded humans.

But I will communicate with my children, I will dicipline my children the way I see fit. And if a spanking is needed, then that is what they shall get.

The way I see it. All the talk in the world will not correct a child when they have their mind set on something. You can put them in time outs until they are blue in the face. (And I do believe that method "time Out" has it's place)

And our kids have literally held their breath trying to get their way until their eyes all most rolled back in their heads....

I can see your point about your friends who spank on a constant basis. I think that any punishment, or corrective action that is used repeatedly as the only means. Ceases to be effective. You have to be creative. Each child is different. What works for some is not always affective with othe others.

I agree that violence is a part of life, but is it really something that a child should expect from a parent? I feel a parent should always be a source of comfort and security, and you can't get that if the parent spanks or even verbally abuses.

I have a four year-old who has, I must admit, done things that might make me want to resort to spanking. But I always try to step back and re-evaluate the situation, and try to understand the cause of the behavior. And it's very, very tiring to have to explain things to a four year-old who is acting stubbornly, but I find that it has good long-term effects. Okay, the kids might grow up to feel their dad is this guy who keeps lecturing them, but that's okay with me.

I know that spanking is effective, but it is really effective only in controlling behavior. And maybe only for the short-term. And to be honest, I don't WANT my kids to always do what I say. I want them to grow up and do things that they feel are right to do, even if it is against my wishes. And they'd better explain themselves when they do. Part of the whole open communication thing. I think talking things out (as hard as it is to reason with a four year-old) helps them understand my rationale for what may seem like arbitrary decisions. It's too easy to spank them because they broke one of my rules. They need to understand why those rules are there, and why I made them.

Spanking is a very effective *short term* corrective. However, all it does it underscore that the answer to solving a problem can be had by violence.

It isn't neccessary to use spanking if you take the time and make the effort to discipline your childeren in a less violent manner.

Like most good things, it takes longer but it's worth it.

Spanking is okay. Up to a certain age, <11 . You can always use it as a threat to stop them from doing anything wrong. < been threatened> <been spanked>

De-lurking on this one.

I was spanked and spanked mightily. Hand, brush, cord, switch, etc., it didn't matter. Whatever was handy was applied.

I learned one thing from it: DON'T GET CAUGHT!

So, unless I want my kids to learn how to be sneaky little bastards like I was, I'm not hitting anyone.

Also, I enjoy the challenge of finding the proper psychological trigger to TEACH the kids instead of waiting for them to make a mistake so I can beat them, which looks just as ridiculous on-screen as it did in my wee brain when I was thinking it.

As an aside, I am quite violent when stirred and I think it goes back to the childhood beatings. I have been in one fight in my life simply because I don't want to be this way. I can't say that walls and furniture have been intact after a good tantrum, but at least the only person I hurt is me.

hmm.. but you spanked your child when she did things that you didn't like.. doesn't that count? :confused:

Anyway, I'm glad that my parents never spanked me. This shows that they respected me, and I am very grateful for that.
There is no way I'll ever spank my kids.

When I was 3-7 yo my mother never hesitated to apply the hair brush or belt to
my backside repeatedly. Otherwise she pretty much ignored me.
I lived in terror of her and we never became friends.
When she died I felt nothing for her.

After spanking my kids (really just a swat to get their attention), I always follow it up with a hug, and some talking about what the child did, and what could be done differently next time.

having been spanked as a kid, and my first on its way - I can say with confidence that I will never spank my child. I'll figure something else out - but what a lousy last resort that must be. I feel like its the answer to bad parenting.

Why did my thread spanking vs. not spanking get closed when this is the same thing, just worded differently? Confused :confused: :confused:
Anyway, since I am here. I was spanked as a kid, but not too often. I learned pretty quick to straighten up with a few good ones. Spanking should be not the first instinct for everything that a kid does wrong. I think they should know that if certain behaviour persists that a spanking will be quickly on its way. I can't stand to see parents who say if you do it one more time, one more time, one more time..... I will spank you. It makes me want to bend the parent over MY knee. If you are going to say it, DO IT!!! Build confidence and trust in your kid.
Agree with thayli too. After spanking a kid, don't just walk out of the room and say "think about what you did" and never talk to them about it and confirm with them that you still love them. This is key. Spanking and confirmation go hand in hand.