Divorced parents - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

sexymama · 02-10-2004, 07:51 PM

Tonight I need to rant.

At the gym tonight my daughters told me that their dad can't come to any of their meets and they really want him to. He can't come because the only one he can make it to, I supposedly said he couldn't come to. I had emailed him to let him know Lebell would be here that weekend, but never told him he couldn't come up. (Although I must say I think it is odd that with 8 meets the ONLY one he can attend is the one in which my fiance is in town.) So, when we left the gym, I called him, in front of the girls and said, "I'm calling because the girls mentioned that you can't come to any of their gymnastic meets because the only one you can come to is the one when Lebell (okay, I used his real name) is in town. I never said you couldn't come." He started to argue with me; but I was in front of the girls so I calmly responded, "well, _____, I would never keep you from your children and want you to know that as far as I'm concerned, you can come." He got very quiet. Then I asked if he'd like to talk with the girls. That was my way of letting him know they had heard the entire conversation.

Why am I mad, you may ask? It sounds like he just didn't understand. I say, bs! He has this win/loose attitude and he thinks that the children can't love us both. In the long run, they will have to choose one or the other. I disagree and know that they can love both of us. I will raise them simply because I'm more capable; but he is still their father. I never say anything bad about him to them as I know that is not good for their self-image.

How do you all deal with ex's and raising your children? What hints do you have? What works and what doesn't work?

Lebell · 02-10-2004, 11:53 PM

You already know my opinion.

*huggles*

tecoyah · 02-11-2004, 06:46 AM

My ex-wife has full custody of my son. This was not contested by myself as I wanted as little disruption in his young life (4 at the time) as possible. We divorced for many reasons, and it was relatively civil. I now talk to her 2-3 times a year, and to my son every couple of weeks. All conversation with her is totally superficial in an attempt to maintain the lines of communication with my son.
I love my son and would have him live with me given half a chance, but that is not in the cards at this time. So I will play the game as needed.
My son is now nine yrs. old and is beginning to understand why I left the marriage....maybe in a couple years he will ask to be with me, maybe not. It is all just a part of living and learning.

jfreels · 02-11-2004, 10:33 AM

I get my daughter once a month for a week and then the third weekend of every month. I have been suprised that thus far I have not had an experience like this. I took the divorce very well though mostly because I didn't want my ex anymore. Did your state require that you take a "divorced parents" seminar before your divorce? GA makes you, and it was quite informative. He'll get over it I am sure, and if he doesn't that I fear how your children will take it as time goes on.

-jb

sexymama · 02-11-2004, 08:26 PM

CA, where the ex lives and where we divorced, requires a "divorced parents" seminar; but somehow we never were required to take it. As a teacher, who has also taught parenting classes (often to divorced parents) I am well aware of the research and feel confident that I can and will do what is best for the girls. (I may fall short sometimes as there is no such thing as a perfect parent, or a perfect child -- but overall I will do well.) My failure was in not looking outside my strengths to realize that we should go to the class to address his weekness. Ah well, hindsight is always better. For now, I will continue to do the best I can and still appreciate hearing what others do to cope.

txgirl · 02-25-2004, 06:58 AM

Well, I'm so glad that I dont' have to deal with all of that jazz....my ex lives across the street from me, is one of my best friends, is building my new house for my son and I and I get along VERY well with his girlfriend. Great friends + no children in turmoil = some very happy people!!!

Bill O'Rights · 02-25-2004, 07:29 AM

Just a thought...so...don't shoot the messenger, o'kay? I don't know the situation, nor do I pretend to, but what is the relationship between Lebell and your ex? Your ex probably feels threatened by Lebell, and doesn't want to be in a position where he is forced to deal with him. Have they ever had to deal with one another, on a one to one, face to face, basis? If so, does Lebell sit cleaning his favorite shotgun?

Just kidding...but I think that you may be starting to see what I'm getting at here. The male ego is a very fragile thing. Your ex has had his handed to him already. (I'm sure justifiably) He is not going to be receptive to setting himself up for a second serving. Just a thought. Although, you would think that he'd try a little harder to be a part of the girls life. I'd think that would be worth having to put a little ketchup on your pride, to swallow it down. So, basically, I have no clue...

sexymama · 02-27-2004, 06:11 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Bill O'Rights
If so, does Lebell sit cleaning his favorite shotgun?

How did you know?

First, sorry if I "shot the messanger" earlier in the post. I think I'm just feeling vulnerable.

Lebell and he have not yet met long enough to talk. I'm sure he is feeling a little threatened. It is sad as we both honor that he is their dad -- but being 540 miles away, I'm sure he is insecure. I'll keep that in mind when talking with him. Thanks!

tecoyah · 02-28-2004, 04:16 AM

Male perspective anyone?
As a whole, we generally take considerably longer to mature than the female sex.Some of us never really do. It is quite correct that the male ego is an eggshell, already cracked, and we are sometimes ignorant enough to drop it all by ourselves.
Usually by the age of forty, most of the baggage has been lost at one airport or another(read relationship) but if a male has been in too few real relationships, he will lack the experience to cope.
I honestly feel that we "need" to avoid monogomy until a certain level of growth has been achieved, if we expect to meet the needs of a full and loving relationship.
In other words, males are children for a large part of thier lives, but when maturity hits, we can be incredible partners.

skinbag · 03-02-2004, 07:20 AM

tecoyah- I have seen the ego, and it has no gender. I realize many men have ego problems, but so do many women. "Female" ego-trash may be less obvious and go largely unacknowleged in our society, but any given woman's ego is just as present as any given man's, we just express it differently and there is so much variability among individuals. I do not mean to thread-jack, so I'll say no more, unless I find an appropriate thread.

sipsake · 03-02-2004, 07:41 AM

My ex and I divorced almost 7 years ago. She has full custody of my 11 year old daughter.

The first few years after the divorce were rough, with a lot of harsh feelings still permeating our relationship.

Today my ex and I maintain a civil yet distant relationship. The only real interaction we have is in matters concerning our daughter.
I feel fortunate that she has understood the value of the relationship my daughter and I have and encourages it. I see my daughter every other weekend and for several weeks during the summer. We trade off holidays.

02-10-2004, 07:51 PM	#1 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	Divorced parents Tonight I need to rant. At the gym tonight my daughters told me that their dad can't come to any of their meets and they really want him to. He can't come because the only one he can make it to, I supposedly said he couldn't come to. I had emailed him to let him know Lebell would be here that weekend, but never told him he couldn't come up. (Although I must say I think it is odd that with 8 meets the ONLY one he can attend is the one in which my fiance is in town.) So, when we left the gym, I called him, in front of the girls and said, "I'm calling because the girls mentioned that you can't come to any of their gymnastic meets because the only one you can come to is the one when Lebell (okay, I used his real name) is in town. I never said you couldn't come." He started to argue with me; but I was in front of the girls so I calmly responded, "well, _____, I would never keep you from your children and want you to know that as far as I'm concerned, you can come." He got very quiet. Then I asked if he'd like to talk with the girls. That was my way of letting him know they had heard the entire conversation. Why am I mad, you may ask? It sounds like he just didn't understand. I say, bs! He has this win/loose attitude and he thinks that the children can't love us both. In the long run, they will have to choose one or the other. I disagree and know that they can love both of us. I will raise them simply because I'm more capable; but he is still their father. I never say anything bad about him to them as I know that is not good for their self-image. How do you all deal with ex's and raising your children? What hints do you have? What works and what doesn't work? __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

02-10-2004, 11:53 PM	#2 (permalink)
Lebell Cracking the Whip Location: Sexymama's arms...	You already know my opinion. huggles __________________ "Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." – C. S. Lewis The ONLY sponsors we have are YOU! Please Donate!

02-11-2004, 06:46 AM	#3 (permalink)
tecoyah Illusionary	My ex-wife has full custody of my son. This was not contested by myself as I wanted as little disruption in his young life (4 at the time) as possible. We divorced for many reasons, and it was relatively civil. I now talk to her 2-3 times a year, and to my son every couple of weeks. All conversation with her is totally superficial in an attempt to maintain the lines of communication with my son. I love my son and would have him live with me given half a chance, but that is not in the cards at this time. So I will play the game as needed. My son is now nine yrs. old and is beginning to understand why I left the marriage....maybe in a couple years he will ask to be with me, maybe not. It is all just a part of living and learning. __________________ Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

02-11-2004, 08:26 PM	#5 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	CA, where the ex lives and where we divorced, requires a "divorced parents" seminar; but somehow we never were required to take it. As a teacher, who has also taught parenting classes (often to divorced parents) I am well aware of the research and feel confident that I can and will do what is best for the girls. (I may fall short sometimes as there is no such thing as a perfect parent, or a perfect child -- but overall I will do well.) My failure was in not looking outside my strengths to realize that we should go to the class to address his weekness. Ah well, hindsight is always better. For now, I will continue to do the best I can and still appreciate hearing what others do to cope. __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

02-25-2004, 07:29 AM	#7 (permalink)
Bill O'Rights will always be an Alyson Hanniganite Location: In the dust of the archives	Just a thought...so...don't shoot the messenger, o'kay? I don't know the situation, nor do I pretend to, but what is the relationship between Lebell and your ex? Your ex probably feels threatened by Lebell, and doesn't want to be in a position where he is forced to deal with him. Have they ever had to deal with one another, on a one to one, face to face, basis? If so, does Lebell sit cleaning his favorite shotgun? Just kidding...but I think that you may be starting to see what I'm getting at here. The male ego is a very fragile thing. Your ex has had his handed to him already. (I'm sure justifiably) He is not going to be receptive to setting himself up for a second serving. Just a thought. Although, you would think that he'd try a little harder to be a part of the girls life. I'd think that would be worth having to put a little ketchup on your pride, to swallow it down. So, basically, I have no clue... __________________ "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony "Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt. Last edited by Bill O'Rights; 02-25-2004 at 07:43 AM..

02-11-2004, 10:33 AM	#4 (permalink)
jfreels Upright	I get my daughter once a month for a week and then the third weekend of every month. I have been suprised that thus far I have not had an experience like this. I took the divorce very well though mostly because I didn't want my ex anymore. Did your state require that you take a "divorced parents" seminar before your divorce? GA makes you, and it was quite informative. He'll get over it I am sure, and if he doesn't that I fear how your children will take it as time goes on. -jb

02-25-2004, 06:58 AM	#6 (permalink)
txgirl so many men...so little time. Location: Bellingham	Well, I'm so glad that I dont' have to deal with all of that jazz....my ex lives across the street from me, is one of my best friends, is building my new house for my son and I and I get along VERY well with his girlfriend. Great friends + no children in turmoil = some very happy people!!!

02-28-2004, 04:16 AM	#9 (permalink)
tecoyah Illusionary	Male perspective anyone? As a whole, we generally take considerably longer to mature than the female sex.Some of us never really do. It is quite correct that the male ego is an eggshell, already cracked, and we are sometimes ignorant enough to drop it all by ourselves. Usually by the age of forty, most of the baggage has been lost at one airport or another(read relationship) but if a male has been in too few real relationships, he will lack the experience to cope. I honestly feel that we "need" to avoid monogomy until a certain level of growth has been achieved, if we expect to meet the needs of a full and loving relationship. In other words, males are children for a large part of thier lives, but when maturity hits, we can be incredible partners. __________________ Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

03-02-2004, 07:20 AM	#10 (permalink)
skinbag Registered User Location: Madison WI	tecoyah- I have seen the ego, and it has no gender. I realize many men have ego problems, but so do many women. "Female" ego-trash may be less obvious and go largely unacknowleged in our society, but any given woman's ego is just as present as any given man's, we just express it differently and there is so much variability among individuals. I do not mean to thread-jack, so I'll say no more, unless I find an appropriate thread.

03-02-2004, 07:41 AM	#11 (permalink)
sipsake Psycho Location: Memphis	My ex and I divorced almost 7 years ago. She has full custody of my 11 year old daughter. The first few years after the divorce were rough, with a lot of harsh feelings still permeating our relationship. Today my ex and I maintain a civil yet distant relationship. The only real interaction we have is in matters concerning our daughter. I feel fortunate that she has understood the value of the relationship my daughter and I have and encourages it. I see my daughter every other weekend and for several weeks during the summer. We trade off holidays. __________________ When life hands you a lemon, say "Oh yeah, I like lemons. What else you got?" Henry Rollins