The screwing with your kids' heads thread

[Tophat665]

One of the things I have always liked about Calvin and Hobbes was the ridiculous things his dad would get him to buy into. "See those trees swishing back and forth? Yeah. That's what makes the wind blow." One of the things I have been waiting for as a father is for my girls to get old enough that I can start doing that, not malciously or even randomly, but to effect. Do you do this? Post some examples here. Couple of mine:

Couple weeks ago, my wife put some mini bagel pizzas in the oven for my three year old (the Bean) and forgot about them until some of the cheese had burnt black. Well, she cussed and set them aside on the stove to cool down for me to eat. Little later I'm eating one, and the Bean comes in the kitchen and says, "Daddy, what do you eating?" (She hasn't got all her tenses down yet.)
"Little baby pizzas with tasty black cheese," sez I, and paused a beat. "Want one?"
She loved the pizza's Angie had written off as a loss.

Dinner is always a challenge. The Peanut (our 18 month old) has two hollow legs and can tuck away like a linebacker, but the Bean seems to live on air. Tonight was pork loin and egg noodles with sour cream, pepper, and parmesan. Well, Lizziebean wanted "Hot Bread," - what your people call toast.
"We don't have any bread, Beanie/ You want some special noodles?"
"No! I Want hot Bread!"
"Don't have any bread kiddo. Want noodles?"
"No!"
"Howzabout a knuckle sandwich?"
"Don't want a kanuckle sammich!"
"Well stop asking me for one, then. Howzabout a rubber biscuit?"
"Rubber Biscuit! Rubber Biscuit!"
Could not believe it! Here I am being a wiseass and I get called on it by a three year old. So I cut the butt end of the pork loin off for her, put it on a plate, and said, "Here, my dear, is you rubber biscuit." She ate the darn thing and asked for seconds and thirds.

i guess that could be another approach to get your child to eat...........................I'll leave it to you though, trickster!

[lurkette]

My dad regularly yanked our chains. When I was about 6 he came running into the house with this ENORMOUS chunk of pyrite he'd found in the back yard, screaming that we were going to be rich becaue he'd found gold. My sister and I were jumping up and down gleefully, already spending the money, when he told us the truth.

I won't even go into details on when he told us there was going to be a nuclear war. Oy. I should send the man my therapy bills!

[clavus]

Maybe this is why I always agree with lurkette. My father fucked with us constantly. He has a tremendous sense of humor, and calvin's dad was his hero.

Lately my kid has been asking "what is it?" when he knows perfectly well what's on his plate. I tell him it's pickled moneky heads.

The first time I did it he was pretty concerned, but now he gets it. He usually comes back with something like, "It's not monkey heads; it's frozen pig noses" (or some such nonsense).

[cj2112]

I had my children convinced that the cows that we see on the small ranches around here are actually "short legged horses" (my daughter in first grade told her teacher all about them). I also have them convinced that my brother used to have a pet dinosaur, that he rode to school on a daily basis. I know that there were many many more that I have forgotten.

[macmanmike6100]

lol these are great

[Redlemon]

I'm tempted to do this (I always loved Calvin's dad), but I'm just not that clever. Keep the stories coming!

[mb99usa]

I always get my daughter with little one-liners when she asks things. My wife usually gives me a hard time about it but my daughter is getting wise to it and corrects me.

[housedude]

Messing with 'em is pretty constant.
My two role models for fathering are Atticus Finch and Calvin's Dad!

Even my three year old is learning to roll her eyes and ignore me.
One of my favorites: Did you look outside under my truck?
Any lost item is, in my opinion, there. Or as far as I know, where they put their left tennis shoe has as much chance being there as anywhere...

I did feel a bit bad last week when a visiting five year old did go outside and search under my truck for her juice box..but when my kids found out where she was, they thought it was soooooo funny that anyone would actually believe their Dad on an issue like that...so we all had a laugh....

Kinda the base of it for me...finding ways to laugh with the young'ns!

My wife and I are pretty standard - with me playing the heavy and enforcing discipline. etc. So the sense of the absurd appeals to me with the kids...gives me an easy way to be lighthearted with them - and they back to me. Often turns a serious moment into a "let's go on from here" moment...but then again, cheap humor has always appealed to me....
And don't forget puns! My 10 year old is starting REALLY to get 'em! And now and then like 'em! And even do his own!
Won't it be nice to someday have Another adult in the household?

[housedude]

Oh yea, and the one I break 'em all in on:
One of the first interactions is

"Daddy, put my jacket(or pants, or diaper, hat,etc.) on"

and I say: But I can't, it's tooooo smaaaaallll for me. I will have to put it on you!

Sounds silly, but I'm amazed at how young they are when they actually GET it, and laugh about it.

My 3 year old loves to say, NO, Daddy, on MEEEEEEEEEE! with that big smile on her face!

[quadro2000]

One time when my brother was about 3, he was at the top of the stairs, having just woken up, ready to come down. And my dad was at the foot of the stairs, yelling, "MERRY CHRISTMAS!! Come see what Santa brought you!"

of course, it was March....

I guess that's more malicious than funny...like when I turned 17 and he gave me the car keys to a non-existent car and told me to go look outside...

[H12]

Originally posted by quadro2000
One time when my brother was about 3, he was at the top of the stairs, having just woken up, ready to come down. And my dad was at the foot of the stairs, yelling, "MERRY CHRISTMAS!! Come see what Santa brought you!"

of course, it was March....

I guess that's more malicious than funny...like when I turned 17 and he gave me the car keys to a non-existent car and told me to go look outside...

LOL.

That Santa one is something I'll need to remember, for sure. As for the keys, yeah, I'll need to remember that one too.

[Symphony]

I believed my dad was raised by wolves, until at age seven when my mom needed to call poison control because I ate a wild root that my dad said was a carrot, (he'd know being raised by wolves and all). Well needless to say my mom put and end to it after we found out I wasn't going to die from the root.

[mystmarimatt]

We loved to screw with my youngest cousin back when she was younger, we got her to believe such stupid stuff

The best was, when she was like 9, about to turn 10, we had her utterly convinced that EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY got their thumbs chopped off, put in a stew, and eaten on their 10th birthday, and then have bionic thumbs attached in place of the old ones. she cried soooo much...we were so cruel...

My dad didn't mess with us, so much as annoy the bejeezus out of us. Everytime one of us said "I'm hungry", he'd say something like "I thought you were Matt?" and he'd keep going back and forth until we'd shut up.

[Drider_it]

well my son turned 6 this week.. at his b-day party i got him

"son its time you learned what ever person your age should know"

and yeah i learned this before calvin and hobbes but still

i took a bicycle and truned it over..

"now watch son.. the inner part will spin faster than the outter part" and i set the wheel a spnning..

for about 5 min he stood there and watched it..when the wheel would slow down he would spin it again.

and the dreaded.. "how does it do that?" came up. i told him when he gets higher in shcool he will know. he doubled his studies so far.. sigh.. i should have done that earlier...

[neddy65]

I never answer a question with the real answer the first time.
"Whats for supper?"
food
or
Chicken lips
When reading to my 6 year old I change the names of characters or change the story completly and since she reads very well it drives her nuts. It is NOT the story of Cinderwhozits and the 3 dragons, and Goldipants did NOT haul out her trusty 9 and take care of those pesky bears.
I am a serious pain in the ass and my kids expect no less.

[smarm]

Kiddo - What's for dinner tonight?

Dad - Sand and grubs...

Kiddos in unison - Nooo!!! MoooOOOoommm, Dad says we're having sand and grubs for dinner!

(Eye roll from Mom ensues.)

----

Kiddo - DAAaad, I'm hungry!
Dad - Hi, Hungry, how are you? I'm Dad. Nice to meet you!
Kiddo - No I mean my TUMMY's hungry!

-----

Silly stuff but the 3 year old and 6 year old think it's pretty funny.

It drives them nuts when I change stuff in their stories at night (like neddy65, above.) "And then the wolf ate Little Red Riding Hood. The end!"

-smarm

[Tirian]

My friend is awsome at this.

He used to say a prayer to the garage door God everytime he'd pull up in front of the garage with the kids in the car, and thanks to keeping his clicker under the seat, the God of garage doors would respond by opening the door for him. - lol

I like to mess with my little niece by calling her a random mans name everytime I see her. She always says - "My name is (name here)" and I respond - "Yes that's what I said, Frank right ?"

[mr sticky]

My six-year-old daughter is truly an animal lover, and anytime I can get her "goat" with a bit of fake animal cruelty it's always a gas.

We were eating in a nice chinese place with an awesome fish tank up front...I asked each of my kids which of the fish was their favorites...I in turn got their responses and didn't think that much about it, that is, until after dinner my daughter asked me what was the dish that she enjoyed so much...so...I told her it was the fish that she picked out! I think her mouth dropping open was actually audible! I let her stew for at least a minute until I got the "mom" eye-roll and had to let her off!

I know...I know...but you you just gotta mess with them...It's part of the entertainment package!

[GuttersnipeXL]

My parents used to tell me that they were Twisted Sister. My babysitter would come over, and my parents would be going to one of their "parties". They would tell me that they had to do it for the people. I knew who Twisted Sister was, they were my favorite band at the time..., WOW I totally believed them! Time passed and I eventually found out that my parents weren't them at all. What a let down.
I'd say that goofin' with your kids is way more entertaining for you, than your kids. Your setting them up for a let down.
I have minimal psychological damage from the teachings of my parents but, I think about some of their hijinx when I was a kid , and all I can say is, I really hoped they were telling me the truth. What a huge letdown, to find out that your idols were lying to you. Ahhh, whatever...I'm not in prison and I don't torture animals, so they must have done something right.

[krwlz]

My father liked (likes) to mess with our heads. My brother once got a cordless drill for his birthday. Well after about a month one of the batteries went dead. My dad gets him a new one, and just switches it while my bros at school.

He then tells him he fixed it.

Thats just the begining...

He also did the plain annoying thing, but as always enjoyed a good joke... as long as we were the butt, rather then him.

[frozenstellar]

i remember the greatest stunt my dad (with my help) pulled off on my little brother, was in his '72 honda civic, he had a loose wire coming out near the handbrake. if you touched it on any metal, the handbrake light would light up on the dashboard.

hence, we told my brother it was a lie detector, and that he had to be very careful with what he said. man we had some fun with that, he'd get so jealous when we played cricket with boonie, or had his favourite dinner when he stayed at a friends house. (all questions we made out to be true using the light)

just another thing im definately looking forward to as a father one day.

[whawhawha]

I was one of those kids with overgrown ears. I eventually grew into them, but not before my father convinced me I could fly if I ran around the back yard really fast while shaking my head.

He also used to put dog biscuits under glass ashtrays to drive our Terrier crazy.

While my daughter and I were driving home, I would sometimes act like I forgot how to get home and I would ask her to give me directions. Since she was only 4 we would end up going a really long way home, but by the time we finally got there we were both shouting in triumph as if we couldnt have made it without her.

Another time she got freaked out because a cricket was chirping in her room one night. We hunted it down and killed it. Any time after that if there was a cricket in the house i would tell her it was after her to avenge the death of its brother. Needless to say she is terrified of crickets now.

[fatboss]

'Dad I'm thirsty'

'No Son, today's Monday!'

'Daaaaaaaad!'

Gets 'em every time!

[telekinetic]

This whole thread reminds me of Big Fish, hehe.

[NoSoup]

Well, I have a story for you...

We used to spend christmas at my Aunt & Uncles house, and every year we'd sleep over Christmas Eve and Wake up to the presents on Christmas Morning.

Well, My older cousin (I believe 12 or 13 at the time) obviously didn't believe in Santa Clause anymore. She also had a younger sister (5 or 6 maybe?) who did...

Well, my father, ever the jokester, decided that he would help along the younger cousin's belief. He purchased a Santa Costume a week or so before The Big Day...

Early Christmas Morning, say 1:00am or so, He puts the suit on and climbs into the attic. After much stomping around on the "roof" to wake the girls, he climbs out the attic window onto the roof. After several attempts, climbs into the chimney (very, very large fireplace, with a bigger than normal chimney) and slides on down. The girls, who were patiently waiting at the top of the stairs, see a soot covered santa land haphazardly in the fireplace and have a helluva time getting out.

Needless to say, my older cousing went to school when break was over, tried convincing her friends that they were all wrong, Santa truely did exist, and he slid down her chimney on christmas....

Lol, I kinda felt sorry for all the torment I am sure she endured trying to prove what she believed 110% in...

[mcgub]

This has been one of my favorite parts of being a parent. Messing with a a kid's head is truly a wonderful thing.
It started with "Why is the sky blue?", and my response being "Because that's the color I wanted it to be." The same with grass being green as well.
My all-time favoritte though was when my oldest daughter was about 12 or 13. She was bragging about doing something and so I sarcastically said how special she is, to which she agrred she was. Then I said she was so special she had her own Olympics, the Special Olympics. She once again agreed, not knowing what the Special Olympics really were.
The next day she went to school telling all her friends how special she was and how she had her own special olympics. They let her in on what exactly the Special Olympics were.
7 years later she still bears a grudge about that one

[irseg]

This was actually my idea, but my parents went along with it. I told my little sister (she was around 4 at the time) that the worst cussword was "glockenspiel".

I'd say it in front of my sister, then she'd run and tell my mom in order to get me in trouble. Mom would pretend to scold me for saying it. Then we'd have a good laugh later.

She once overheard the word "fucking" and asked me what it meant. I told her it was actually "glocken", and just an abbreviated version.

This went on for at least a year before she figured it out. She was really pissed when she did.

[isandro]

This site may be of inspiration, i laughed my ass off too many times: http://www.iusedtobelieve.com/, collected stories. Great stuff

[CinnamonGirl]

My parents used to tell us that if we weren't asleep before midnight, witches would come and take us away. And since we hadn't learned to tell time on non-digital clocks at the time, midnight could be pretty much anytime they wanted it to be. That worked for a while...of course, we eventually learned to tell time, so the pretending it was almost midnight at 8:30 at night didn't work anymore, but we were always in bed well before midnight.

One night, though, the family was up late watching movies. I glanced up at the clock and noticed it was 1 am. I was completely shocked. "Mom, the witches didn't get us!" "Oh...um...today's a holiday for witches, they don't work today."

[fatboss]

My kids are still convinced that I've got 11 fingers!

Hold both hands out, fingers up, and count backwards.

10..9..8..7..6 on one hand. Plus the 5 on the other. 6+5 = 11!

It has them thinking for hours. And then they try to do it on their fingers and only get 10!

They've told all their friends in school that their Dad has got 11 fingers.......but they're not sure they can prove it!

[rockogre]

By the time my kids were in High School, it didn't matter what I told them, they would always ask their mother if it was true.

Growing up, they were watching Public Television on day and the show was about Elephants living in the forest. I solemnly told them that Elephants lived in the forest behind our house but were very hard to see just like the ones on television.

They would often stand on the back deck looking for Elephants thus providing me with some quality quiet time.

They still don't trust me well into their 20's but they don't seem to be mentally challeged because of me either.

[Spanxxx]

My family has always been full of pranksters/jokesters/trouble makers, and as such.. my wife new what she was getting into. So, naturally, my 2.5 year old is getting his share.

My dad was a natural at this stuff, and of course.. it runs in the family. Like some of the above, I do the "But your shoes won't fit on me" . I also change the stories of books, and since we aren't to the reading stage yet, he doesn't catch it anyway. Just the fact that I'm reading to him every night is enough. Recently, my favorite was this book he got that talks about professions of people. Well, when I get to the page about the "Mechanic" and I reading the text, I have to change the words to "and here is where he pretends to work on your car, and then overcharges you" or the Pilot page that has a baggage handler on it and I slyly put in, ".. then they break your luggage while loading it on the airplane"

I get a lot of eyerolling from my wife,and I'm sure it will never stop. I tend to make up goofy songs a lot too, and he loves those. Of course, I love to put double-entendres in, or make a rhyme that naturally leads to something you might think would be nasty.. all for the benefit of my wife who is in the other room. You know, stuff like, "One little doggie runs so fast. The other little doggie was the runt. One was lazy and one was a .........[wife from other room ' OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH']"

My dad once told me the jalapenos in the pizza box were sweet pickles and that they were really really good, but you had to eat them in one bite and chew them up really good. I bit it to the stem. I was 8 =/. Funny man.. funny man....=)

He also once left my christmas present on the roof so that I'd have to think harder about the Santa mystery that most American children go through (at least when I was a kid).

My sister and I convinced our youngest sister that we bought her for a nickel at a yard sale. Haha.. SHE even remembers it to this day.

[raeanna74]

I don't mess with my daughter all that much. Every now and then I get a cantakerous streak and get smart with her. She usually picks up on it pretty quick. I have messed with other peoples kids too. Like when I was teaching. I had 4th, 5th, and 6th graders. They were starting the "Do you like me, if so check..." stuff and also the teasing was unstoppable. One girl, S was a particular target for the teasing because she always reacted pretty loudly. One time she came to me when M was teasing her and wouldn't quit. It was good natured teasing but it was disruptive. I'd already asked him to stop once that day. So I spoke to S in a voice just loud enough for the whole class to hear. "Well you know usually when boy is teasing you like that, it's because he likes you." I got a giggle out of the class and his buddy poked him in the side. He got such a grin, turned beat red, and hid his head. No more trouble at all that day. Even he laughed about it but he never teased again that day.

[cleanx]

i have to convince my son that fish sticks is chicken because he says i dont eat fish fish are our friends

[Redlemon]

Originally posted by cleanx
i have to convince my son that fish sticks is chicken because he says i dont eat fish fish are our friends

Let me guess... "Finding Nemo"?

We have friends whose child will eat 'nuggets', but not 'chicken nuggets', and will also eat 'sticks' but not 'chicken sticks'.

[Luki]

When my little brother was about 5 he was terrified of ghosteses(yes that's what he called them). I was not malichous but my older brother and I tricked him into beliving we were spraying "ghosteses Spray Away" all over his room at night. We pretended to spray an invisible aerisol can making noises so he believed.

I also convinced him, when he was 7, that a burglur was so well off athletically that he could jump into my little brother's bedroom window (second story of the house) and kidnap him. Needless to say he refused to sleep in his room for over a month. He would sneak into my room(having no windows) and sleep on the floor next to my bed.

[SixEdxMia]

I tell my small children that I am a witch,the truth that by this point they know,and I tell them that I can smell a lie.. on their breath..C'mere.. pretty... tell me to my face.

[elian gonsalez]

Originally posted by neddy65
When reading to my 6 year old I change the names of characters or change the story completly and since she reads very well it drives her nuts. It is NOT the story of Cinderwhozits and the 3 dragons, and Goldipants did NOT haul out her trusty 9 and take care of those pesky bears.
I am a serious pain in the ass and my kids expect no less.

my dad used to do that for me... I would always tell him to read it the right way