sillygirl

I started a nanny job for a one year old about a week and a half ago. Mom is single and has a crazy schedule, so I get her daughter morning one day, then evening the next, except Saturdays are 11 hour shifts and Sundays are midday.

The girl is great, usually really well behaved, and a quick learner, lots of fun to be around. She also does pretty well with my son.

This is where I'm having trouble. When she's with me, she has a schedule (at least, I'm trying). Mom doesn't have her own place right now, she's getting ready to move into an apartment, so for now, her daughter comes to my house. I think this is part of the problem. Anywho, I'm trying really hard to get her on some kind of a schedule and be very consistent with her as far as rules, etc. Aside from the first couple days, we've been great with each other.

Mom, however, doesn't seem to have any schedule for her. Her daughter's schedule revolves around whatever Mom happens to be doing at the time. This includes meals, naps, and I think even diaper changes. It's happened more than once where I'll pick her up from Mom's work and end up with a hungry child whose diaper needs to be changed and who also happens to be very sleepy.

My question is this: Can anyone give me tips as to getting her on a schedule, at least at my house? I know that consistency is what she needs, and I'm working really hard to give her that. And I can, while I have her. However, when she's with mom, the lack of schedule and boundaries means that the first couple hours I have her seem to be a re-training session.

When I bring up schedule with Mom, I get the same answer: "I'll get her on a more normal schedule soon"

It's already been established by Mom also that her daughter seems much better behaved for me than with her. I know that part of it may be because I'm a new person, but at the same time, when the kid tests boundaries with me, she gets a consistent response. With Mom it doesn't seem to be that way.

Argh. Anyway, can someone help?

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Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

ngdawg

As long as she can stick to your schedule while with you, there's not a lot more you can do for her.
How old is this mother? Who is she living with? Do you have the baby 7 days a week?
No mom wants to be told how to raise her kid, so whatever you suggest is going to be ignored at least and at worst, met with anger.
Personally, I would bite my tongue, enforce my own house rules consistently and only offer advice when asked.

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sillygirl

Mom is (I'm guessing) late twenties? She's living with her boyfriend or her boyfriend's family.. I met them but I wasn't sure whose house it was. I have the baby 5 or 6 days a week. She's really a bright kid, she's learning sign language really quickly, and she does well with my animals, etc etc. I've tried communicating with her mom in a few ways.. directly, beating around the bush, hinting, etc and nothing seems to work. The baby was given to me sick one day without my being told. I later found some OTC medicine in her diaper bag, but Mom never told me when she last gave it or how much to give. She told me today (kid's almost over whatever it was) that she didn't even realize her kid was sick until she was almost over it. I felt like saying "Duh. I kept telling you she was coughing and sneezing, seeming like she didn't feel well" but I kept my mouth shut. I feel bad saying this, but I think that some of this might be caused by the fact that the baby was unplanned. I know that Mom loves her kid and wants the best for her, but I can't help wondering sometimes why communicating with me about the baby seems like something she just doesn't want or isn't comfortable with..

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Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

amonkie

If the kid is sick and your son is around her, that gives you grounds to at least say to the mom that your son's health is important to you, and you need to know in order to take appropriate measures to keep your son from getting infected, especially since he is still so young ...

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Ch'i

Make incentives to parts of the scheduel, and make sure you address that part of the scheduel clearly. Example: "Its nap time!" at the same time everyday, and give her something as a reward for her response. From my experience working with kids, incentives and clarity go a long way.

analog

She's not saying she has a problem with the kid. She has a problem with the mom. The MOM is not making any sort of schedule for the child. The mom is making it hard for her to help take proper care of this child.

Aside from your total misunderstanding of what she said, I take issue with the ludicrous habit of rewarding every mundane task a child performs. In my opinion (and I'm not alone in this opinion, by far), this is a good part of what is wrong with public schools (in america, at least) and many parents these days- they validate the kids so fucking much that they're screwed when the relative harshness of the "real world" punches them in the stomach after high school. They feel the world owes them everything, and it should all appear for them on a platter, like their parents have been doing all their life.

/rant & threadjack

Ch'i

Public school systems rewarding? In my experience with public school systems, most of the staff either don't care, won't let you know they care, or explain how they want a student to pass. I have NEVER seen any kind of reward, let alone excess to the point of spoiling a child. When that happens, its usually the parents' fault.

I understand its the mother's fault. I was saying that it might help to add specifics to the scheduel in order to help it stick in the childs memory. You confuse encouragement with undue rewards. Aside from your total misunderstanding of what I said, don't take your anger out on me. Go hit a pillow.

sillygirl

Wow. Okay. Let's clarify a little. Like Analog said, I'm not having trouble with the kid. She adapts to my schedule relatively well. The issue is that it's difficult to keep a schedule when she's not used to it. When I don't see her for a couple days, it's like we're starting over. I'm not going to give her a reward for doing simple things she's expected to do anyway (other than "Thank you for helping/cleaning up/putting away your wipes). I don't think that I should have to give her something or do something special for every little thing she does.

The concern I have the most at this point (as my schedule for her has settled her quite a bit) is that she's already moved around and had such issues bonding and had her schedules changed so many times that she'll have more trouble with mom because MOM doesn't maintain one for her. She'll have more issues adapting, more attitude problems, etc etc.

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Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

Toaster126

You can't make mom be a good parent. She has to do that herself. The fact that she knows she is doing something which is detrimental to her kid and isn't changing her behavior isn't a good sign.

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shesus

I agree that children should not get awarded for everything that they do. If they are working hard and meeting a goal, a reward can be necessary then. But to just award a kid because he went to bed or 'made potty'...please.

Just in response to your first part of your statement Ch'i...I was a teacher for 6 years. I taught in a small rural school, mid-city school, and a ghetto school. In each school I was in I was told to reward them for stupid things they should do. "OMG, you remembered to write your name, sweetie! Good for you, here's a sticker!" *shudder*
One school went to the extent that every child had to get a reward on reward days. You know when you have Honor Roll, perfect attendance, etc. Yea, I had to make up rewards so everyone could get one such as: funniest, hardest worker, most artistic, etc. You don't know how badly I wanted to give one student the award of Biggest Pain in the Ass. But love the kids and build up their esteem...that's what they say. *end thread jack*

Anyway, consistency is very important. All you can do is set the expectations of when she is with you. I feel your frustration of having to 'start over' after a couple day break. I had the same thing when I was teaching. All I can say is that after awhile, it will get easier because she'll learn that you have different expectations than her mother. As for the mother, I wish I had $5 for each time I heard "I'll *insert better parenting practice here* as soon as _____." I wish that a manual would come out attached to the umbilical cord because that might make dealing with kids and parents a bit easier. Everything else comes with a user manual included...why should kids be any different?

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macmanmike6100

In response to shesus, they're not free but there are <a href="http://amazon.com/s/ref=sr_nr_i_0/104-2241096-9902360?ie=UTF8&keywords=parenting&rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3Aparenting%2Ci%3Astripbooks&page=1">over 43 thousand parenting guides</a> on Amazon. Not exactly tied to the umbilical, though :-)

And in response to the original post, I agree with shesus in that consistency is by far the most important tool you've got in these types of situations. children especially learn best from consistency.