dawnoffawn

Hello,
My toddler is VERY violent. I mean really violent. He's only 2.5 yrs old yet he tries to choke my mom, steps on my parents while sleeping, jumps on my mom's legs (and this hurts my mom so much since her legs already hurt her). He wakes them up every morning by punching them, stepping on them, biting them, and doing all the violent behavior you can think of. He even throws things on us. I'm even afraid that one day he'll poke one of our eyes out...that's how violent he is.
We don't know how to make him stop. Nothing helps. I put him in the playpen as a time out (since that's the only place he can't get out of yet) and he just starts jumping on the playpen and it's almost going to break, leaving us with nothing to put him in as a time out.
What do I do? This is really concerning me. we haven't had a good night's sleep because of his violent way of waking us up at dawn.
His crib is in my parents' room since they sleep early (as a way to make him sleep early and I dont sleep early becuase the only time I can do anything is when he's asleep!!!), but he just spends the night jumping on them and pulling their hair while they are sleeping.
Any suggestions?
Thx

1010011010

Have you tried spanking.

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Simple Machines in Higher Dimensions

zfleebin

I cannot give advice for your situation specifically without observing the child and baselining the behavior but I am willing to talk about methods for dealing with aggressive behavior in children in general since I have training in this and can show the effectiveness of the methods I use. My general rule is: if I feel children are jeopardizing my safety I will restrain them until they stop. I think it is important to address these behaviors directly and to make it clear to the child by stopping the behavior, using isolation or restraint if necessary, and explaining to them in a strong clear voice that it is not ok to attack people.

When a child first becomes innappropriately aggressive make sure you react by saying "ouch that hurts" and pulling yourself away from the child. Ask them "why are you hurting me?" in some cases you will find the child is either trying to communicate something to you or even trying to initiate play. Next explain to them that hurting others is not ok and that people do not want to communicate/play with people that hurt them. Then suggest alternatives "instead of hitting me when you want to play try asking me" After reading all this your probably thinking these are way obvious methods of dealing with aggression. However, you would be surprised at how many parents let their kids hurt them without even trying to figure out why the kids are hitting or offering the kids alternative behaviors.

Now in some cases children have aggressive behavior that is not able to be adressed through discussion. For these kids some advocate spanking (positive punishment) or time outs (negative punishment). I will probably get a lot of flak for this but I see very few parents that have enough understanding of positive punishment (spanking, hitting) to use it effectively so I recommend against it. Negative punishment, on the other hand, is a totally different story. A great deal of parents use this now a days and it is very forgiving even if you screw it up. Beyond that, negative punishment is not just about telling your kids to sit in a corner it can also include a physical component that stops the behavior as quickly as positive punishment.


Sorry for cutting this short but I need to go to sleep. If what I am saying sounds like it may help you tell me and I will finish this hopefully sometime tomorrow.

Ample

See a professional. This sounds pretty serious, and though I could give you advice on what I did for my daughters when they turned into little devils. What works for me might not work for you.

maleficent

Has the kid always been like this or is it new behavior?

What is this kid's diet like? I've seen too much sugar cause this kind of behavior?

What does his/her doctor have to say?

Apmle has is right... get this kid to a professional, first his pediatrician... then get a referral for somethine more. that kind of behavior goes beyond the terrible twos...

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dawnoffawn

Thank you so much, Zfleebin. This is very good advice.
When we try to show him that it hurts, he laughs when we say ouch.

Yes, I've tried spanking, but he also thinks it's funny and laughs if I spank him.
Thanks, Apmle, for the help.

Maleficent, thanks for your concern and help. Yes, he's always been "rough" like this ever since he was a baby...but he's been overdoing it lately. I've noticed that it worsens whenever he comes back from his father(my ex-husband) and his father is not the person you can communicate with.

I dont know of what he eats with his father, but I try not to give him sweets, unless as a reward for potty training, which is a little hershey kisses, sometimes 2 a day...nothing major.
His diet is basically oatmeal, macaroni, rice, a little meats, egg, milk

Well, his pediatrician isn't much of as help...everthing is "alright" and normal in his eyes....I'm going to change his pediatrician, but the stupid healthcare place wont answer phone calls and the application process takes months and months just to put his health insurance under my name.

Thanks for all the wonderful help and support.

snowy

This passage sends up huge warning signs to me as a childcare provider. Children model what they see. If he's doing it more when he comes home from his father's, chances are that's where he's learning the behavior. He's learning that pain is funny from an outside source. Very very few children behave violently out of the blue--there is almost always a root cause.

Keep after your insurance company and get a new pediatrician as soon as possible. Look for parenting resources in your community as well. Professional parenting educators might have some good advice for you, especially in handling the violence and creating a safe time-out space until a new primary care provider can be found.

Good luck.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

cj2112

That same passage bothers me but for different reasons...I wouldn't leave my child with ANYONE who isn't adult enough to have a conversation about the well being of the child, period. I don't care what the law says, or what the consequences may be, I will always look out for the best interest of my child. Having said that, you need to at least attempt to discuss this behavior with his father. I'm not suggesting you accuse his father of ANY wrong doing or even mention that it's worse when he comes back from his fathers house. I'd be more likely to approach it by asking him if he's noticed this type of behavior, and suggesting that the two of you come up with some strategies to counteract it. That way at least neither party is put on the defensive and both of you are consistent in your expectations and consequences for this type of behavior.

dawnoffawn

Thanks so much, Onesnowyowl

Thanks, CJ..I told his father about his violent behavior and he starts getting defensive and arguing and saying all this crap that he is the best father in the world and truly, I don't want to hear his BS. He never admits to anything wrong (the reason I left him, lol)....so I can't get one word of truth out of his father and if I prevent him for seeing him, the law's gonna get me

cj2112

It's not a matter of the father being right or wrong or even that he's doing anything wrong, more that the two of you need to develop a strategy for dealing with the child's behavior. Perhaps you should right the father a letter explaining this.