itch vaccine

Dear Angel,

You scintillate in darkness to dim the stars,
Like the morning sun I hardly see.
Exuding a soothing warmth that I'd bask in you,
Whilst hoping for your eterne presence,
As your company I wish to always have.



------------>

it's just 5 lines, would that suffice?

<-----------

__________________
"When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes.
When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours.
That's relativity."
- Albert Einstein

Anangelgirl

???
If the powers that be could get Angel up and running, she may be able to address this with you.

tecoyah

Seems a bit contrived....but the message is clear. I would simplify, as far as the complex wording if you wish to keep it at five lines, but, thats just my opinion.

Art has its own meter.....and comments/critique have little place in the minds creation.

__________________
Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

vonstalhein

if you want comments, i would advise you to write more about what you want to say, and express, and less so that it seems 'poetic'. The complexity i think detracts from the message. The first two lines are also fantastic, and i don't think the succeeding three do them justice.

__________________
No Win No Fee

tecoyah

I think it is time to place a critique sticky in here......might help us all

__________________
Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha