Dear Angel ... :) need your comments - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

itch vaccine · 07-14-2005, 04:58 AM

Dear Angel,

You scintillate in darkness to dim the stars,
Like the morning sun I hardly see.
Exuding a soothing warmth that I'd bask in you,
Whilst hoping for your eterne presence,
As your company I wish to always have.

------------>

it's just 5 lines, would that suffice?

<-----------

Anangelgirl · 08-08-2005, 07:37 PM

???
If the powers that be could get Angel up and running, she may be able to address this with you.

tecoyah · 08-09-2005, 04:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by itch vaccine

Dear Angel,

You scintillate in darkness to dim the stars,
Like the morning sun I hardly see.
Exuding a soothing warmth that I'd bask in you,
Whilst hoping for your eterne presence,
As your company I wish to always have.

------------>

it's just 5 lines, would that suffice?

<-----------

Seems a bit contrived....but the message is clear. I would simplify, as far as the complex wording if you wish to keep it at five lines, but, thats just my opinion.

Art has its own meter.....and comments/critique have little place in the minds creation.

vonstalhein · 08-09-2005, 05:44 AM

if you want comments, i would advise you to write more about what you want to say, and express, and less so that it seems 'poetic'. The complexity i think detracts from the message. The first two lines are also fantastic, and i don't think the succeeding three do them justice.

tecoyah · 08-09-2005, 05:57 AM

I think it is time to place a critique sticky in here......might help us all

07-14-2005, 04:58 AM	#1 (permalink)
itch vaccine Psycho Location: on my spinning computer chair	Dear Angel ... :) need your comments Dear Angel, You scintillate in darkness to dim the stars, Like the morning sun I hardly see. Exuding a soothing warmth that I'd bask in you, Whilst hoping for your eterne presence, As your company I wish to always have. ------------> it's just 5 lines, would that suffice? <----------- __________________ "When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes. When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours. That's relativity." - Albert Einstein Last edited by itch vaccine; 07-14-2005 at 08:01 AM..

08-09-2005, 05:44 AM	#4 (permalink)
vonstalhein Insane Location: Where You Live.	if you want comments, i would advise you to write more about what you want to say, and express, and less so that it seems 'poetic'. The complexity i think detracts from the message. The first two lines are also fantastic, and i don't think the succeeding three do them justice. __________________ No Win No Fee

08-09-2005, 05:57 AM	#5 (permalink)
tecoyah Illusionary	I think it is time to place a critique sticky in here......might help us all __________________ Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

08-08-2005, 07:37 PM	#2 (permalink)
Anangelgirl Upright	??? If the powers that be could get Angel up and running, she may be able to address this with you.