stonewallja

The time has come for me to write another book. How do you do that? You sit down at your computer and start typing. Of course you need a premise/story in mind. I want to take on the Pharmaceutical Corps and the Medical Professionals who prescribe their poison. I hear Mike Moore is currently writing a book that exposes them. I think they are killers. I've chosen a name but I can't reveal it now. I'm looking for suggestions that will make this beginning better. Have a go: a writing challenge if you like.

Prologue

"Roger! Roger! Roger!" It was a feeble, pitiful plea. "Roger!"

Finally, on her fourth desperate callout my eyes opened. I felt as though I’d just fallen asleep. The reason I hadn’t heard her was the space separating us. I slept across the house in the master bedroom. Forty years of marriage changes a couple’s priorities. But I always left my door open so I could hear Betty’s call should some problem arise.

"Roger."

The streetlight shinning through the window illuminated my watch. Twelve thirty-two p.m. was written on its face.

I shouted, “I’m coming Betty.”

Seized by fear now, I leapt from bed and sped to her room. The fear had reached a summit by the time I found her sprawled on the floor near the foot of the bed. My heart pounded in my chest.

"Roger."

I flicked on the lights. Her face showed pain. Her eyes were fearful. Pepper and Princess our adorable three-year-old Affenpinchers sat at the end of the bed staring knowingly at their world clutching her right side and groaning. These two beautiful creatures adore my wife. And they are our world.

"Roger."

Calm down Man. “What’s wrong Betty?” Apprehension choked my voice. My mind whirled through the possibilities. Was it a heart attack, stroke, a broken bone? Nothing this serious had ever occurred before.

“I was coming back from the bathroom and I felt a severe pain in my right groin. Fortunately, I broke my fall with the corner of the bed.”

“What’s wrong with your side?”

“I don’t know, but it hurts. It hurts a lot.”

“I have to get you up.”

“Please do. I can’t sleep here on the floor.”

“OK!” This isn’t going to be easy. She weighs 177 pounds. But I have to try.
I stooped and grabbed her under her arms. I struggled with all my strength to sit her up and failed. She couldn’t help at all.

Half way through my struggle Pepper and Princess barked.

“I’m not hurting her. Now stop barking.”

These two adorable creatures knew us as mommy-deeks and daddy-deeks. I know it’s corny but they are precious. They don’t care that we’ve reached the so-called golden years and our wrinkles have deepened. But we would soon learn that it was really the olden years that we'd reached.

“I’m calling 911.”

Chapter 1

Eleven years earlier Roger and Betty Scott moved to this tranquil community in Central Florida...

__________________
Red beans and ricely,

stonewallja

ryborg

Here are a few suggestions I have:

• Don't have the time be exactly 12:30am. Make it something like 12:32am, which will subtly hint just how alert Roger is when he comes running into the room. It will help give us a sense of just how frightened he is.
  
• "Our adorable Affenpinchers Pepper and Princess, sitting at the end of the bed, stared dumbfounded at their Mommy lying in a fetal position on the floor."
  
  I found myself fumbling through this sentence, and while I understand the description of "Mommy," having many pets myself, it doesn't seem appropriate, considering the tension of the moment. I think reworking this sentence to somthing like the following might work better:
  
  Our two Affenpinchers, Pepper and Princess, where staring helplessly at Betty as she clenched her sides in pain.
  
  I think that might make it flow better, and rather than saying she was in the fetal position, which is really generic and non-descriptive, use something like "clenched her sides in pain." Really "show" the reader what is happening in these intense scenes with really descriptive words.
  
• Betty was these two beautiful creatures world. They were our world. This is a good description that ties Roger and Betty together, but you might consider positioning it in a different location. I feel like it interrupted the pacing a little bit.
  
• "My mind was obsessed with serious sicknesses: heart attack, stroke, broken bones."
  
  I think this description could use some reworking - it left me with some questions about Roger's character. Is Roger some sort of sick freak that gets off on sickness? I doubt that, since your characterization so far suggests he is an elderly, caring husband. If you want to describe how he is running through all the possibilities in his head, give this a try:
  
  My mind was churning through the possibilities like a whirlwind. Was it a heart attack, a stroke, a broken bone? Nothing this serious had ever occured before.

Overall, it still really caught my attention. The premise behind the story is also excellent, maybe best seller material , and reminds me a little of the "The Hades Factor" by Robert Ludlam.

As far as how to approach writing a story, I would say just sit down and get the ideas on your computer while they are fresh. Once you have a few chapters pounded out, go back and refine your plot and characters as you see their natural tendencies begin to arise in your writing. That generally works well for me. Never be afraid to revise.

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Solve two problems at once. Feed the homeless to the hungry.

stonewallja

Ryborg your suggestions were excellent. I will adopt most of them. I will repost this beginning when all the comments are in. Your WEB Site is as imaginative as your comments. Thanks for taking the time to help a fellow writer.

__________________
Red beans and ricely,

stonewallja