Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Start of a Novel - Short

ryborg · 04-12-2005, 06:27 PM

Here are a few suggestions I have:

Don't have the time be exactly 12:30am. Make it something like 12:32am, which will subtly hint just how alert Roger is when he comes running into the room. It will help give us a sense of just how frightened he is.
"Our adorable Affenpinchers Pepper and Princess, sitting at the end of the bed, stared dumbfounded at their Mommy lying in a fetal position on the floor."

I found myself fumbling through this sentence, and while I understand the description of "Mommy," having many pets myself, it doesn't seem appropriate, considering the tension of the moment. I think reworking this sentence to somthing like the following might work better:

Our two Affenpinchers, Pepper and Princess, where staring helplessly at Betty as she clenched her sides in pain.

I think that might make it flow better, and rather than saying she was in the fetal position, which is really generic and non-descriptive, use something like "clenched her sides in pain." Really "show" the reader what is happening in these intense scenes with really descriptive words.
Betty was these two beautiful creatures world. They were our world. This is a good description that ties Roger and Betty together, but you might consider positioning it in a different location. I feel like it interrupted the pacing a little bit.
"My mind was obsessed with serious sicknesses: heart attack, stroke, broken bones."

I think this description could use some reworking - it left me with some questions about Roger's character. Is Roger some sort of sick freak that gets off on sickness? I doubt that, since your characterization so far suggests he is an elderly, caring husband. If you want to describe how he is running through all the possibilities in his head, give this a try:

My mind was churning through the possibilities like a whirlwind. Was it a heart attack, a stroke, a broken bone? Nothing this serious had ever occured before.

Overall, it still really caught my attention. The premise behind the story is also excellent, maybe best seller material

, and reminds me a little of the "The Hades Factor" by Robert Ludlam.

As far as how to approach writing a story, I would say just sit down and get the ideas on your computer while they are fresh. Once you have a few chapters pounded out, go back and refine your plot and characters as you see their natural tendencies begin to arise in your writing. That generally works well for me. Never be afraid to revise.

04-12-2005, 06:27 PM	#2 (permalink)
ryborg Crazy	Here are a few suggestions I have: Don't have the time be exactly 12:30am. Make it something like 12:32am, which will subtly hint just how alert Roger is when he comes running into the room. It will help give us a sense of just how frightened he is. "Our adorable Affenpinchers Pepper and Princess, sitting at the end of the bed, stared dumbfounded at their Mommy lying in a fetal position on the floor." I found myself fumbling through this sentence, and while I understand the description of "Mommy," having many pets myself, it doesn't seem appropriate, considering the tension of the moment. I think reworking this sentence to somthing like the following might work better: Our two Affenpinchers, Pepper and Princess, where staring helplessly at Betty as she clenched her sides in pain. I think that might make it flow better, and rather than saying she was in the fetal position, which is really generic and non-descriptive, use something like "clenched her sides in pain." Really "show" the reader what is happening in these intense scenes with really descriptive words. Betty was these two beautiful creatures world. They were our world. This is a good description that ties Roger and Betty together, but you might consider positioning it in a different location. I feel like it interrupted the pacing a little bit. "My mind was obsessed with serious sicknesses: heart attack, stroke, broken bones." I think this description could use some reworking - it left me with some questions about Roger's character. Is Roger some sort of sick freak that gets off on sickness? I doubt that, since your characterization so far suggests he is an elderly, caring husband. If you want to describe how he is running through all the possibilities in his head, give this a try: My mind was churning through the possibilities like a whirlwind. Was it a heart attack, a stroke, a broken bone? Nothing this serious had ever occured before. Overall, it still really caught my attention. The premise behind the story is also excellent, maybe best seller material , and reminds me a little of the "The Hades Factor" by Robert Ludlam. As far as how to approach writing a story, I would say just sit down and get the ideas on your computer while they are fresh. Once you have a few chapters pounded out, go back and refine your plot and characters as you see their natural tendencies begin to arise in your writing. That generally works well for me. Never be afraid to revise. __________________ Solve two problems at once. Feed the homeless to the hungry. Last edited by ryborg; 04-12-2005 at 06:41 PM..