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05-11-2003, 11:09 PM
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#1 (permalink) |
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Insane
Location: Oregon
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Where are you?
I look out into the misty night
But you are nowhere within my sight I need you to comfort me And tell me that we'll always be I wait in wonder for the day When you will look at me and say That your love will last forever And that we'll always be together I need you to help me through this strife I can not make it alone in this life When will you reveal yourself And show me that you're not a dream When will I find where you are And show you that I'm not what I seem How will I find you, my beautiful dove Where are you, my one true love? This is basically my first real attempt at any form of poetry... ever... let me know what you think.
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When life gives you lemons, sqeeze the juice into a squirt gun and shoot people in the eyes Last edited by Kyp; 05-17-2003 at 07:03 PM.. |
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05-12-2003, 01:50 PM
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#2 (permalink) |
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Insane
Location: Oregon
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The Wall
The wall beside me seems so bare
It's missing your picture, where I used to stare I used to dream of feeling your touch Now I dream of nothing much I think of how we could have been But you couldn't stay and try to win You gave up on what we had And all you told me was "too bad" The wall between us was too strong The wait was lasting far too long If only we could have broken that wall Then we never would have taken the fall I think of what you did to me You told me we were meant to be You fed me all your perfect lies If only I had been more wise I wouldn't have let you suck me in I shouldn't have let you make me want in The wall is still standing but I don't care You put me through my worst nightmare I lay awake with a broken heart You made me into your work of art I feel so difigured and lost It was no where near worth the cost If that wall had never been there Would I still end up here The wall beside me now so cold It matches your heart, but mine you sold. My second horrible attempt. I'm just finding this is a good way to say some things I've been thinking. Go ahead and rip 'em to shreds if you want.
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When life gives you lemons, sqeeze the juice into a squirt gun and shoot people in the eyes |
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05-13-2003, 05:44 PM
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#4 (permalink) |
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Insane
Location: Tucson, AZ
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you're off to a good start.
two suggestions: add vivid imagery. a good poem utilizes fresh metaphors. try to stay away from cliches. in thise way you can create something that will penetrate into peoples minds and hearts and they'll remember your work. another is simple. try to keep away from forced sounding rhyme. i myself am at fault for the same thing .. but try to use rhymes words that are fresh and that people aren't expecting. what you have here is great in the fact that i can read it and easily feel what you are trying to say. good sense of feeling. just my 2¢ share more if you'd like, please ^_^ -Paul
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Si vis pacem, para bellum. - Vegetius "Do Re Mil.3, Prol. |
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05-13-2003, 07:38 PM
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#5 (permalink) |
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Insane
Location: Oregon
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Nefarious, I'm well aware of those 2 faults in my poems. That is something that I want to get away from, but like I said, I'm new at writing poetry, so I'm hoping I'll get better at it as I keep going.
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When life gives you lemons, sqeeze the juice into a squirt gun and shoot people in the eyes |
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05-14-2003, 08:01 AM
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#7 (permalink) |
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Naughty Just Right
Location: Euphoria
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Thank you for sharing! Nice work.
It is all a matter of what is inside of us in my opinion. We each have a different style driven by different emotions. I don't feel there is a right or wrong, simply unique to ourselves. Keep it up and I hope you keep posting! 
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 In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer. ~Albert Camus |
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05-17-2003, 07:02 PM
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#9 (permalink) |
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Insane
Location: Oregon
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Lost in Life
I don't know which path to take
I can't tell if what I see is fake I wander 'round this life alone All I know to do is roam I don't recognize anything I can't tell what I'm feeling There's no one here to guide me along I've been lost for far too long When I found a path to follow It didn't work and left me hollow I hope to find the path someday And I will walk all the way Trapped in a jungle with no knife, I can't help but feel lost in life
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When life gives you lemons, sqeeze the juice into a squirt gun and shoot people in the eyes |
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