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you're off to a good start.
two suggestions:
add vivid imagery. a good poem utilizes fresh metaphors. try to stay away from cliches. in thise way you can create something that will penetrate into peoples minds and hearts and they'll remember your work.
another is simple. try to keep away from forced sounding rhyme. i myself am at fault for the same thing .. but try to use rhymes words that are fresh and that people aren't expecting.
what you have here is great in the fact that i can read it and easily feel what you are trying to say. good sense of feeling.
just my 2¢
share more if you'd like, please ^_^
-Paul
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Si vis pacem, para bellum.
- Vegetius "Do Re Mil.3, Prol.
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