Amano

on two things I've written. They're kinda different and was debating whether to do two separate posts, but decided not to in the end. I'd like to hear any opinions, suggestions, anything you liked, anything you didn't like.... Thanks in advance.

Here they are, both untitled. First one's a poem:

#1

I dress myself for a
night out in
the city, but

I can feel only the smile
of being
second to him. She walks

beside me tonight, but
I do not know
if these arms that hold

this body can protect
it from heartbreak
and pain.


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Second one's a short story:
#2

Many small plates with personal sized portions of food sat in front of Adam Fong at the Eastern Harbor Chinese Seafood Restaurant on 37th street. Any other person would have considered this array of dishes to be a feast of the finest mediocre food Los Angeles Chinatown had to offer.

Cha siu, barbequed pork. The meat of his meal, the soul of his life. Unlike others who ordered pork out of obligation of having a complete and healthy meal, Fong genuinely loved the meat. When he ate it, he would take a guilty pleasure in sucking the sweet flavor of the pork, feeling the rough texture on his tongue. This simple dish was one of Fong’s favorites.

Gai lan, Chinese broccoli with oyster sauce. The last time he ordered the dish, it was overcooked and too soft. Not enough form, like his son, who was flunking out of school, getting into drugs, doing the things that all fathers discipline their sons not to do.

Fong looked across the table to the various plates, and then down to his untouched bowl of rice. The staple of Asian cuisine. Each bowl would start out flavorless and identical. As each piece of chicken, vegetable, shrimp, or tofu would make its way from the serving plate to Fong’s mouth, it would first pass over the bowl to allow excess sauce drip onto the rice, creating a mixture of tastes on the rice as the meal progressed. But in the end, rice was rice. It was loyal and relentless. No matter what you else you ate with it, rice would always find a place on the table during meals. Stable and certain, like brothers are supposed to be.

But Fong wasn’t here to enjoy the pleasant meal. He was here to be taught a lesson, and the two men with him were to make sure he would properly learn not to disrespect Dai Loh ever again. They hated the job, but it was what kept their loud children and ugly wives fed.

At 2:35pm, Fong gave up hope and made his decision. As he reached for the furthest plate on the right with his chopsticks, the two men acknowledged Fong’s choice with the slightest turn of their heads away from the table. The men knew what they would be doing that evening.

Fong shed a single tear as he bit into the red meat, consoled only by the thought that at least he would see his lovely wife again in heaven.

J.R.V.A.

Good work, I like dboth of them. I was just getting hungry for chinese food, and them the last paragraph made me decide to go eat a hamburger lol
thanks

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And as she plays,
her sweet song of laughter
floats through the air
and warms my heart

asquint

especially liked the second one, you managed to pack a punch in to a few short lines

__________________
Hi-Tech Redneck

SaltPork

WOW!! Nice ending on the second one. Write more short stories!! That was great.

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It was like that when I got here....I swear.

Pennington

I really liked the short story, the imagery was amazing. Very well written.

I didn't like the poem so much. I don't know why, but the way you split the lines made it harder to read than anything.

Keep up the great work!!

Zinserbruns1

Even though the story excerpt is written in loose and artistic style, you hold to a good pattern of discussion and avoid the common stream-of-consciousness trap. For example, your analogies between food and the character's family appear repeatedly in recognizable format. This gives the reader the feeling that he is in good hands and you have something to say.

On the same note, I would avoid interjections like this one:

Cha siu, barbequed pork. The meat of his meal, the soul of his life.

Not that this is bad writing, but it doesn't fit into the overall feel of your prose. When I came across it, I was surprised that you had suddenly included this kind of poetic sing-song statement in what is otherwise very organized writing. I halted and repeated those two sentences several times in my head, thinking more about the way you had written them than what they said. This is a definite sign that you have increased the author's visibility too much.

In general, I would give this a high mark. Most impressive is that you have managed to include intimate detail and painless exposition about the character in what is obviously a tense part of the story.

Amano

Thanks for all your feedback. I wanted to give an explanation/ask a question to those who have already read the short story... and this sort of addresses the problem you had with the Cha siu line Zinserbruns.

So, what I was going for in the short story was that each food item represented a family member, and the punishment for the character was to choose one of his family members for the mob men to rub out. Broccoli represented his son, and rice represented his brother, and the bbq pork represented his wife. That's the reason for the "poetic sing song" when I was discussing the pork. I also didn't want to make any direct references to the wife in the description of the pork. Yes, I agree the style is a bit out of place, and I'll work to change that... but my question is, did anyone get that? No seriously, did anyone get that reference?

Thanks again for your feedback... I plan to post more stuff in the near future

Pennington

I'm sorry, but I completly missed the referances. At the end, I thought his wife was already dead and in heaven and by eating the pork, he was choosing to sacrifice his own life for some transgression. The line "as brothers are supposed to be" just served to confuse me as there is nothing else to suggest what it might mean. The lines about the son served to give some background of the man, but I didn't make the connection between the food and people. But again, I have to compliment you on the imagery, very good.

chavos

read it a few times, and i can see those references somewhat in hindsight, but with out the explanation, i don't really think it shows. I do see why you didn't want to make it overly obvious, but i think it will be a worthy challenge to bring that part of the story out.