from the mind's eye to the page - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

dd3953 · 06-23-2006, 08:13 AM

well, i have been writing poetry from more years than i care to count & i am thinking about publishing a book. with that said, i am posting this thread to hear what other people have to say about my poetry.

so that is what this is for. every week or so i will post a new poem in hopes that you will leave your comments, ideas, and thoughts about them.

this first poem was written last night from a exercise . . . if you want the directions let me know and i will post them as well.

[poem] history

i am from cracked ceilings and water stains
i am from tall weeds & the making of green baby corn
i am from the cement maker & suicidal school
i am from slaves, masters & sinking boats
i am from chitlins, pigs feet & neck bone
i am from journals, safes & trash cans

i am from blue paint, bunk beds & cockroaches
i am from rolling papers, dime bags & squares
i am from a crack-head making miracles for meals
i am from "shut-up"s & "sit down"s
i am from greens, candy yams & food stamps
i am from the love only sisters can give
i am from pictures, poems & trash cans

i am from borrowed water & candle light
i am from dog shit, beer cans & picketed fences
i am from pretty smiles, awkward laughs & eye patches
i am from rainbows, hateful kids & pens
i am from hands, mentors & videotape
i am from strength, pride & street smarts
i am from Amiri Barakas, Kanye Wests, & Erykah Badus

i am from cigarette smoke, iced water & oodles & noodles
i am from college debt, essays & sign language
i am from the road less traveled & the few who walk with me
i am from words, journals, safes & trash cans

i am from that which made me
& i go where it takes me

dd3953 · 06-27-2006, 06:01 AM

[poem] tight chance

You want to share
Your heart with me
But first you must climb
A ladder of five
Hundred and seventy seven steps
At the top of which I am
Only standing eight yards away
Our spaces are connected
By a thin yet strong rope
Should you make it
Across this distance
The crowds will cheer
You name with great joy
Even the loins will look
Upon you with awe
And not-so-great wages
You will be paid to
Meet this feat again and again
Earning the respect of the clowns
And the flying mens envy
As you make your way across
Shutting out all fear
I add a new one to your list
As I pull the knife out
Love and hope you speak
Yet and still I cut the rope
Leaving you the safety net of
Friendship

dd3953 · 06-29-2006, 06:02 AM

should i take the silence to mean the poems are good?

do they make you think of anything? do they make images pop into your head? would you read them again ((just because))?

y'all have nothing to say about them?

dd3953 · 07-06-2006, 06:48 PM

[poem] yellow fear

Let me paint you a landscape.
The sky has become dark blues & bloody reds,
hate & frustration roam the sky like birds,
soaring over & thru the darkest greens
& the loneliest blacks that are my lost dreams of love.
Painted in the lowest corner is house of yellow,
the fear that surrounds me, a single
window of brilliant purple allows
the viewer a glimpse of my soul,
longing to leave that space.
Beyond that window is a vase,
filled with violets, my hopes of her,
but the house is surrounded by those same flowers
turned the ugliest orange, the proof I am still
being driven into the depths of loneliness,
the fear that built that house.

tecoyah · 07-07-2006, 01:37 AM

Poetry is always good, and so is yours. My personal take is irrelevant to just "How" good your work is, you just need to write it down and let it effect who it will.

If you want critique, we can give it....but this forum is much like a journal for many, a place to express yourself.

dd3953 · 07-08-2006, 01:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tecoyah

Poetry is always good, and so is yours. My personal take is irrelevant to just "How" good your work is, you just need to write it down and let it effect who it will.

If you want critique, we can give it....but this forum is much like a journal for many, a place to express yourself.

i think my thing is: what's the point of writing something no one can relate to?

it's nice that I get it, but poetry is not for the writer, it's for the reader.

dd3953 · 08-26-2006, 10:10 PM

[poem] your heart must die

A heart? Think I lost mine.
Breathing is another word for pain,
the pain hope only makes worst,
cuz you know it ain’t going anywhere.
I knew the worst already,
you could never be mine.
Our worlds clash, meeting slightly
for moments in time: work, that’s it.
Your group of friends could never be mine,
and mine, well, I hardly want them, why would you?
But hearing you say the words,
even using the form of another;
death, & not the way Shakespeare meant it.
You don’t hate me, but there is no passion,
no desire to leave this lonely town of friendship
& move into the life of joy that would be “us.”
I knew your feelings, I live for the worst,
but love is blinding, so my dream lived on.
How much longer can it survive
with you smiling, “no, never.”

dd3953 · 11-14-2006, 03:31 PM

"for she who doesn't know"

friendship is all well and fine
but i wanna hold your hand
everytime i'm near you
i know your touch
even if i'm looking the other way
i've grow used to your smell, your smile
as different as we are, you voice
fools me into thinking otherwise
i'd sing a song of you
but i dont know the words
there is the nagging inside me
but i don't know how to ask
i don't know where you stand
or why you're hiding there
i know how pain feels, true and harsh
but for it come from you . . .
i know nothing of love, any lust
but there's something more here
for you and your thoughts
around you i'm my truest and fakest
all in one thought, wondering
where to go and how to get there
wishing you'd speak up

dd3953 · 11-24-2006, 07:19 PM

untitled syllables

~*~
looking
peaceful, naked
eyed, truth spilling freely
on a couch in a common room
can you see what i feel?

~*~
her smile
sweetly soft, cute
chocolate lips slightly parted
tuning out the t.v., the room
something to write about

~*~
a kiss
a fantasy
not yet ready for sharing
sitting here, leg to leg, touching
what are we waiting for?

~*~
silence
neither speaking
eye contact became language
touch would be easy sitting here
but we remain still

dd3953 · 05-22-2008, 04:58 PM

i long to become
purple and bright and clear. now
there's red to my blue

HedwigStrange · 05-24-2008, 10:33 PM

Hey there. I'm not nearly as kind or non-judgemental as Tecoyah, but you asked for a critique, so I'll deliver. Here we go, poem by poem, subjective style.

History - I liked the collection of images, but I felt that you really didn't need to do the line repetition. Line repetition comes up so often.. especially in an "I am.." structure. I know that was an exercise poem, but the images stand well alone. I especially like this line: "I am from chitlins, pigs feet & neck bone"

Tight Chance - Nice job. Yes, I have a poor guy friend who theorizes that he will be stuck in that circle forever and ever.

Yellow Fear - Not my thing. Paint images and poems where everything is described as a color drive me nuts because of how many there are out there. It is a deep poem in meaning, but the method of description is distracting for me. If you want to keep a connecting sensory theme through the poem, maybe you could rework it all in scents, which seem to bring up very strong memories in people.

Your Heart Must Die - This is such a common sentiment that I feel like it needs to be rhymed and metered in sort of homage to the olden days of love-lorn sonnets. In its current form, it doesn't leave me with any strong impressions.

For She Who Doesn't Know - Ditto from Your Heart Must Die. No strong impression. No interesting language to stick it in my head. No striking metaphors, no images in particular. No new sentiments. It just goes right through me. Same goes for the next poem down, actually, though I liked the line about chocolate lips.

Color - I liked this a lot, despite its short length. It was really striking in image, and there are a few different ways it could be taken, which raises it above the one-dimensionality of the previous three poems. Excellent.

dd3953 · 05-26-2008, 10:06 AM

who said anything about being kind?

most of the poems i put up here need to worked on but i was stuck. you gave me a place to start. so thank you for the honest critiques

dd3953 · 09-19-2008, 08:57 PM

my battle

Made of a body
Brain claims right, Heart rejects it.
The war continues.

06-23-2006, 08:13 AM	#1 (permalink)
dd3953 Psycho: By Choice Location: dd.land	from the mind's eye to the page well, i have been writing poetry from more years than i care to count & i am thinking about publishing a book. with that said, i am posting this thread to hear what other people have to say about my poetry. so that is what this is for. every week or so i will post a new poem in hopes that you will leave your comments, ideas, and thoughts about them. this first poem was written last night from a exercise . . . if you want the directions let me know and i will post them as well. [poem] history i am from cracked ceilings and water stains i am from tall weeds & the making of green baby corn i am from the cement maker & suicidal school i am from slaves, masters & sinking boats i am from chitlins, pigs feet & neck bone i am from journals, safes & trash cans i am from blue paint, bunk beds & cockroaches i am from rolling papers, dime bags & squares i am from a crack-head making miracles for meals i am from "shut-up"s & "sit down"s i am from greens, candy yams & food stamps i am from the love only sisters can give i am from pictures, poems & trash cans i am from borrowed water & candle light i am from dog shit, beer cans & picketed fences i am from pretty smiles, awkward laughs & eye patches i am from rainbows, hateful kids & pens i am from hands, mentors & videotape i am from strength, pride & street smarts i am from Amiri Barakas, Kanye Wests, & Erykah Badus i am from cigarette smoke, iced water & oodles & noodles i am from college debt, essays & sign language i am from the road less traveled & the few who walk with me i am from words, journals, safes & trash cans i am from that which made me & i go where it takes me __________________ [Technically, I'm not possible, I'm made of exceptions. ]

06-27-2006, 06:01 AM	#2 (permalink)
dd3953 Psycho: By Choice Location: dd.land	[poem] tight chance You want to share Your heart with me But first you must climb A ladder of five Hundred and seventy seven steps At the top of which I am Only standing eight yards away Our spaces are connected By a thin yet strong rope Should you make it Across this distance The crowds will cheer You name with great joy Even the loins will look Upon you with awe And not-so-great wages You will be paid to Meet this feat again and again Earning the respect of the clowns And the flying mens envy As you make your way across Shutting out all fear I add a new one to your list As I pull the knife out Love and hope you speak Yet and still I cut the rope Leaving you the safety net of Friendship __________________ [Technically, I'm not possible, I'm made of exceptions. ]

06-29-2006, 06:02 AM	#3 (permalink)
dd3953 Psycho: By Choice Location: dd.land	should i take the silence to mean the poems are good? do they make you think of anything? do they make images pop into your head? would you read them again ((just because))? y'all have nothing to say about them? __________________ [Technically, I'm not possible, I'm made of exceptions. ]

07-06-2006, 06:48 PM	#4 (permalink)
dd3953 Psycho: By Choice Location: dd.land	[poem] yellow fear Let me paint you a landscape. The sky has become dark blues & bloody reds, hate & frustration roam the sky like birds, soaring over & thru the darkest greens & the loneliest blacks that are my lost dreams of love. Painted in the lowest corner is house of yellow, the fear that surrounds me, a single window of brilliant purple allows the viewer a glimpse of my soul, longing to leave that space. Beyond that window is a vase, filled with violets, my hopes of her, but the house is surrounded by those same flowers turned the ugliest orange, the proof I am still being driven into the depths of loneliness, the fear that built that house. __________________ [Technically, I'm not possible, I'm made of exceptions. ]

07-07-2006, 01:37 AM	#5 (permalink)
tecoyah Illusionary	Poetry is always good, and so is yours. My personal take is irrelevant to just "How" good your work is, you just need to write it down and let it effect who it will. If you want critique, we can give it....but this forum is much like a journal for many, a place to express yourself. __________________ Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

08-26-2006, 10:10 PM	#7 (permalink)
dd3953 Psycho: By Choice Location: dd.land	[poem] your heart must die A heart? Think I lost mine. Breathing is another word for pain, the pain hope only makes worst, cuz you know it ain’t going anywhere. I knew the worst already, you could never be mine. Our worlds clash, meeting slightly for moments in time: work, that’s it. Your group of friends could never be mine, and mine, well, I hardly want them, why would you? But hearing you say the words, even using the form of another; death, & not the way Shakespeare meant it. You don’t hate me, but there is no passion, no desire to leave this lonely town of friendship & move into the life of joy that would be “us.” I knew your feelings, I live for the worst, but love is blinding, so my dream lived on. How much longer can it survive with you smiling, “no, never.” __________________ [Technically, I'm not possible, I'm made of exceptions. ]

11-14-2006, 03:31 PM	#8 (permalink)
dd3953 Psycho: By Choice Location: dd.land	[poem] for she who doesn't know "for she who doesn't know" friendship is all well and fine but i wanna hold your hand everytime i'm near you i know your touch even if i'm looking the other way i've grow used to your smell, your smile as different as we are, you voice fools me into thinking otherwise i'd sing a song of you but i dont know the words there is the nagging inside me but i don't know how to ask i don't know where you stand or why you're hiding there i know how pain feels, true and harsh but for it come from you . . . i know nothing of love, any lust but there's something more here for you and your thoughts around you i'm my truest and fakest all in one thought, wondering where to go and how to get there wishing you'd speak up __________________ [Technically, I'm not possible, I'm made of exceptions. ]

11-24-2006, 07:19 PM	#9 (permalink)
dd3953 Psycho: By Choice Location: dd.land	untitled syllables ~~ looking peaceful, naked eyed, truth spilling freely on a couch in a common room can you see what i feel? ~~ her smile sweetly soft, cute chocolate lips slightly parted tuning out the t.v., the room something to write about ~~ a kiss a fantasy not yet ready for sharing sitting here, leg to leg, touching what are we waiting for? ~~ silence neither speaking eye contact became language touch would be easy sitting here but we remain still __________________ [Technically, I'm not possible, I'm made of exceptions. ]

05-22-2008, 04:58 PM	#10 (permalink)
dd3953 Psycho: By Choice Location: dd.land	color i long to become purple and bright and clear. now there's red to my blue __________________ [Technically, I'm not possible, I'm made of exceptions. ]

05-24-2008, 10:33 PM	#11 (permalink)
HedwigStrange Tilted	Hey there. I'm not nearly as kind or non-judgemental as Tecoyah, but you asked for a critique, so I'll deliver. Here we go, poem by poem, subjective style. History - I liked the collection of images, but I felt that you really didn't need to do the line repetition. Line repetition comes up so often.. especially in an "I am.." structure. I know that was an exercise poem, but the images stand well alone. I especially like this line: "I am from chitlins, pigs feet & neck bone" Tight Chance - Nice job. Yes, I have a poor guy friend who theorizes that he will be stuck in that circle forever and ever. Yellow Fear - Not my thing. Paint images and poems where everything is described as a color drive me nuts because of how many there are out there. It is a deep poem in meaning, but the method of description is distracting for me. If you want to keep a connecting sensory theme through the poem, maybe you could rework it all in scents, which seem to bring up very strong memories in people. Your Heart Must Die - This is such a common sentiment that I feel like it needs to be rhymed and metered in sort of homage to the olden days of love-lorn sonnets. In its current form, it doesn't leave me with any strong impressions. For She Who Doesn't Know - Ditto from Your Heart Must Die. No strong impression. No interesting language to stick it in my head. No striking metaphors, no images in particular. No new sentiments. It just goes right through me. Same goes for the next poem down, actually, though I liked the line about chocolate lips. Color - I liked this a lot, despite its short length. It was really striking in image, and there are a few different ways it could be taken, which raises it above the one-dimensionality of the previous three poems. Excellent. Last edited by HedwigStrange; 05-24-2008 at 10:35 PM..

05-26-2008, 10:06 AM	#12 (permalink)
dd3953 Psycho: By Choice Location: dd.land	who said anything about being kind? most of the poems i put up here need to worked on but i was stuck. you gave me a place to start. so thank you for the honest critiques __________________ [Technically, I'm not possible, I'm made of exceptions. ]

09-19-2008, 08:57 PM	#13 (permalink)
dd3953 Psycho: By Choice Location: dd.land	my battle Made of a body Brain claims right, Heart rejects it. The war continues. __________________ [Technically, I'm not possible, I'm made of exceptions. ]