alansmithee

I apologize for the length in advance, I didn't think I would write this much.

On another message board, there's this girl who I started talking with about a week ago. We chatted on Yahoo IM for around 4 days, probably two hours each time. She then asked if I wanted to talk using the call feature. It was late at this time and I didn't want to wake up the people I live with, so I said no then, but that I would the next day. We set up a time, and she called me. We talked for awhile (probably 2 hours) and seemed to really get along good. Now, during the conversation, she asked two questions that have had me thinking since then. First she asked if I had a girlfriend. I assumed it was just regular conversation, so I told her that I didn't now (broke up over the summer), after which she asked if I was looking for a girlfriend. Now, in "real" life, I would usually assume after these comments that either a) she is trying to introduce me to someone or b) she is interested in me herself. Previously, I had mentioned my plans to move near her (Pacific NW) after I finish my second degree (around 2 years from now). I had a friend move to Portland, and he kinda scouted the area for me (I've always been interested in Seattle). And I had gotten some information from her about the area as well. So I figure that she knows that I'm pretty much stuck where I am for awhile (Michigan), and she didn't mention any plans to move soon either. So I just assumed it was just friendly chatting, and didn't really give a straight answer to the second question (I said something like "I'm always looking, but I'm not currently looking or something else equally vague/noncommital).

That was yesterday. Today, we talked online again (for over 3 hours, I missed a class to keep talking). I didn't mention anything about what she previously asked, but after talking awhile she asks me what kind of girls I like. On this I again don't give any definite answer (I think I just said something like I don't have a specific type). Later, she asks about the various costs of living in my area (rent, utilities, etc.). Again, I chalk this up as friendly talk. And later, she asks how I get along with my ex-girlfriend. We were talking about Hurricane Wilma at the time, and my ex moved to Florida, so again I assumed this was just harmless talk. Also, we're gonna meet up and talk again tomorrow.

Now, had these conversations happened in "real life" and not online, I would've been making a decision to ask her out or not (and based on the conversation, I would probably lean toward yes). I mean, I was able to talk for hours straight on concecutive days and not even notice the time. Most of the time, if I am on the phone more than 10 minutes and not conducting business, I start getting annoyed. But the distance buffer really throws off my judging the situation. I don't have any body language to go off of, and there is the distance to take into account. Offline, if you ask someone on a date, even assuming that the guy pays you are looking at probably around $200 for a first date, i.e. no big commitment. And you've lost at most one day of time if things don't work out. But to have any real date with someone you meet online (at least in this situation), that probably woudn't cover the price of airfare one-way, on top of the vast time commitment. I keep picturing something like the Seinfeld episode where Elaine meets someone from Britain and has him stay over, but by the end of the period she can't stand him. So any sort of face-to-face meeting is a real commitment.

I guess I'm just trying to get people's perspective on my situation in particular, and on online dating in general as well. I've read on these boards about many couples who have met online and are in good relationships. But this is an area I really know nothing about. Can you really be in a relationship with someone who you've never seen, and probably wouldn't see for over a year except for vacations? I'm having a problem seeing how you could really feel connected, just interacting online and through phones. Can you really call someone like that a girlfriend or boyfriend?

For anyone who made it this far, I appreciate your reading it and look forward to your imput.

Uncle Pony

I used to believe than an internet relationship couldn't work. Now I'm not so sure. It wouldn't hurt to try.

anleja

One of my best friends from high school moved from Michigan (btw, hello fellow Michigander!) to Kentucky to live with a girl he met online, and that was about 3 or so years ago... he's still living there.

Another friend of mine moved from Michigan all the way to Oregon to live with a girl. OR maybe she moved here from Oregon? (Okay, I admit, he's not much of a friend, more of a friend of a friend kinda person.)

I myself was really interested in a girl from Ohio a while ago... I thought about maybe trying to pursue something, but for our own specific situations it would have been too much of a hassle.

For your situation, maybe wait a little bit longer to gauge your feelings? A week isn't too long, even though I'm sure the level of communication probably makes you feel like you know her pretty well at this point (even though you haven't met face to face).

As far as figuring out if you have a good connection online, the whole human interaction thing is lacking (can't read body language, etc.), but the exchange of pure ideas can be a pretty good way to tell about a person's character.

*edit* oops, I re-read your post and realized I didn't answer your specifc questions about being able to maintain a relationship only online and the phone, with seeing each other very little if at all... I don't know if I could do that. Human interaction in any form is nice, but I think it would get too frustrating after awhile. Typing and reading "I love you", or saying it on the phone, does not have the same effect of saying it face to face... but that is just how I see it.

Temporary_User

I have no experience here, but ill throw in my opinion in hopes of help...
I think you could have an relationship, sure why not. but I dont think you could have a serious one. I mean just a casual one.
I believe that if you had a serious one with her, you would be out at the bars w/ buds and meet a great girl in mich. now would you tell this girl "sorry i have a gf, i just never met her."
keep it casual, and maybe itll blossum so when you move to sea-town there might be a serious one. but before then i would keep it over the internet/phone/vacations.

nightstuff

I've met a number of girls online that ive had relationships with in some form or other, longest one being 5 years after we moved in together. So its with those experiences in mind that i share my opinions.

Meeting a girl online really requires a different approach from the traditional way of dating someone. First you talk with her and get to know her, and THEN you exchange pictures, and if it feels right, meet her in the flesh. So by the time you actually have skin contact, you already know lots about each other, and have a good idea whether you are mentally compatible or not.

To me it sounds like she is only following protocol of an experienced online girl. By asking these questions, she's cutting out the bullshit and finding out if you are available, her type, and willing to pursue things. Think about it a sec, what does she have to loose in asking those questions...what do you have to loose in answering them honestly? She is in no way offering committment, but rather, probing around to see who you are and what you are made of. If you both like each other, then maybe it will make it to the next step, whatever that means for you both.

Don't feel like you have to make all these decisions for her. You dont. Enjoy the freedom of the online buffer, and get to know who she is as a person, while at the same time being honest about who you are. What comes next? Ahh, but thats the fun part... maybe she's the one, maybe not.

hrandani

I have a friend of mine who found his current wife (and stepdaughter, heh) through an online game. They met, became good friends and a year later he moved to Canada from San Francisco.

That was 5 years ago. They're still happily married.

amonkie

First thing that jumped out at me was $200 for a first date!!?!?!?! Maybe it's just an AZ thing ... but I would think you'd try to keep the costs low the first time out, and just get to know each other better - $50 is max in my book.


As far as maintaining online relationships, some people can do it and some cannot. I have been involved in a primarily internet based relationship for approximately 7 months - and have flown and spent time with the guy twice in that time. A note of perspective, it was 4 months in before we were able to meet face to face. I find it possible to maintain the relationship when we're not heavily involved in the constant day to day contact, even if that's what I'd really want. We can communicate across the distance very well, so that helps immensely.

__________________
Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

nightstuff

Hehe I reacted to that too actually, but it felt off topic. Since you broke the ice though, i'd have to agree wholeheartedly. Keeping expenses down for the first date is a good rule, because expensive dates can easily raise expectation levels or make things feel weird. "I shelled out 200 bucks and didnt even get a kiss, what a bitch."

Its a hard thing though, cause guys are taught by the TV that girls like to "wined and dined", and so we get it in our heads that its what girls expect, even on the first date. But ive had much better experiences when it was something more simple and cosy.

amonkie

Part of the reason why I mentioned it is what you pointed out - it may set false expectations - Money Talks. Just like any other deal, don't throw away your money without doing your homework first. In this case, the homework is getting to know the other person ... save the money for a day when you can put it to informed use, and make the date even more special.

Speaking of costs, online relationships can be cheaper in the sense you do not have the luxury of frequent interaction, but phone calls if you do not have access to free or reduced cost long distance, as well as travel expenses should it come to that. In a way, it makes the time you do spend together that much more valuable... and it always goes by far too quickly.

__________________
Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

nightstuff

True about the costs, and things like webcam/headset can really bring those down. What stinks is when you cant make a visit because of travel costs...ugh.

Related to your "and it always goes by far too quickly", nothing prepares you for the high of seeing your online darling in the flesh for the first time, nor for the pain of saying goodbye either. A sweeter agony you'll never experience.