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alansmithee · 10-20-2005, 07:59 PM

I apologize for the length in advance, I didn't think I would write this much.

On another message board, there's this girl who I started talking with about a week ago. We chatted on Yahoo IM for around 4 days, probably two hours each time. She then asked if I wanted to talk using the call feature. It was late at this time and I didn't want to wake up the people I live with, so I said no then, but that I would the next day. We set up a time, and she called me. We talked for awhile (probably 2 hours) and seemed to really get along good. Now, during the conversation, she asked two questions that have had me thinking since then. First she asked if I had a girlfriend. I assumed it was just regular conversation, so I told her that I didn't now (broke up over the summer), after which she asked if I was looking for a girlfriend. Now, in "real" life, I would usually assume after these comments that either a) she is trying to introduce me to someone or b) she is interested in me herself. Previously, I had mentioned my plans to move near her (Pacific NW) after I finish my second degree (around 2 years from now). I had a friend move to Portland, and he kinda scouted the area for me (I've always been interested in Seattle). And I had gotten some information from her about the area as well. So I figure that she knows that I'm pretty much stuck where I am for awhile (Michigan), and she didn't mention any plans to move soon either. So I just assumed it was just friendly chatting, and didn't really give a straight answer to the second question (I said something like "I'm always looking, but I'm not currently looking or something else equally vague/noncommital).

That was yesterday. Today, we talked online again (for over 3 hours, I missed a class to keep talking). I didn't mention anything about what she previously asked, but after talking awhile she asks me what kind of girls I like. On this I again don't give any definite answer (I think I just said something like I don't have a specific type). Later, she asks about the various costs of living in my area (rent, utilities, etc.). Again, I chalk this up as friendly talk. And later, she asks how I get along with my ex-girlfriend. We were talking about Hurricane Wilma at the time, and my ex moved to Florida, so again I assumed this was just harmless talk. Also, we're gonna meet up and talk again tomorrow.

Now, had these conversations happened in "real life" and not online, I would've been making a decision to ask her out or not (and based on the conversation, I would probably lean toward yes). I mean, I was able to talk for hours straight on concecutive days and not even notice the time. Most of the time, if I am on the phone more than 10 minutes and not conducting business, I start getting annoyed. But the distance buffer really throws off my judging the situation. I don't have any body language to go off of, and there is the distance to take into account. Offline, if you ask someone on a date, even assuming that the guy pays you are looking at probably around $200 for a first date, i.e. no big commitment. And you've lost at most one day of time if things don't work out. But to have any real date with someone you meet online (at least in this situation), that probably woudn't cover the price of airfare one-way, on top of the vast time commitment. I keep picturing something like the Seinfeld episode where Elaine meets someone from Britain and has him stay over, but by the end of the period she can't stand him. So any sort of face-to-face meeting is a real commitment.

I guess I'm just trying to get people's perspective on my situation in particular, and on online dating in general as well. I've read on these boards about many couples who have met online and are in good relationships. But this is an area I really know nothing about. Can you really be in a relationship with someone who you've never seen, and probably wouldn't see for over a year except for vacations? I'm having a problem seeing how you could really feel connected, just interacting online and through phones. Can you really call someone like that a girlfriend or boyfriend?

For anyone who made it this far, I appreciate your reading it and look forward to your imput.

10-20-2005, 07:59 PM	#1 (permalink)
alansmithee Junkie	Protocols of online relationships I apologize for the length in advance, I didn't think I would write this much. On another message board, there's this girl who I started talking with about a week ago. We chatted on Yahoo IM for around 4 days, probably two hours each time. She then asked if I wanted to talk using the call feature. It was late at this time and I didn't want to wake up the people I live with, so I said no then, but that I would the next day. We set up a time, and she called me. We talked for awhile (probably 2 hours) and seemed to really get along good. Now, during the conversation, she asked two questions that have had me thinking since then. First she asked if I had a girlfriend. I assumed it was just regular conversation, so I told her that I didn't now (broke up over the summer), after which she asked if I was looking for a girlfriend. Now, in "real" life, I would usually assume after these comments that either a) she is trying to introduce me to someone or b) she is interested in me herself. Previously, I had mentioned my plans to move near her (Pacific NW) after I finish my second degree (around 2 years from now). I had a friend move to Portland, and he kinda scouted the area for me (I've always been interested in Seattle). And I had gotten some information from her about the area as well. So I figure that she knows that I'm pretty much stuck where I am for awhile (Michigan), and she didn't mention any plans to move soon either. So I just assumed it was just friendly chatting, and didn't really give a straight answer to the second question (I said something like "I'm always looking, but I'm not currently looking or something else equally vague/noncommital). That was yesterday. Today, we talked online again (for over 3 hours, I missed a class to keep talking). I didn't mention anything about what she previously asked, but after talking awhile she asks me what kind of girls I like. On this I again don't give any definite answer (I think I just said something like I don't have a specific type). Later, she asks about the various costs of living in my area (rent, utilities, etc.). Again, I chalk this up as friendly talk. And later, she asks how I get along with my ex-girlfriend. We were talking about Hurricane Wilma at the time, and my ex moved to Florida, so again I assumed this was just harmless talk. Also, we're gonna meet up and talk again tomorrow. Now, had these conversations happened in "real life" and not online, I would've been making a decision to ask her out or not (and based on the conversation, I would probably lean toward yes). I mean, I was able to talk for hours straight on concecutive days and not even notice the time. Most of the time, if I am on the phone more than 10 minutes and not conducting business, I start getting annoyed. But the distance buffer really throws off my judging the situation. I don't have any body language to go off of, and there is the distance to take into account. Offline, if you ask someone on a date, even assuming that the guy pays you are looking at probably around $200 for a first date, i.e. no big commitment. And you've lost at most one day of time if things don't work out. But to have any real date with someone you meet online (at least in this situation), that probably woudn't cover the price of airfare one-way, on top of the vast time commitment. I keep picturing something like the Seinfeld episode where Elaine meets someone from Britain and has him stay over, but by the end of the period she can't stand him. So any sort of face-to-face meeting is a real commitment. I guess I'm just trying to get people's perspective on my situation in particular, and on online dating in general as well. I've read on these boards about many couples who have met online and are in good relationships. But this is an area I really know nothing about. Can you really be in a relationship with someone who you've never seen, and probably wouldn't see for over a year except for vacations? I'm having a problem seeing how you could really feel connected, just interacting online and through phones. Can you really call someone like that a girlfriend or boyfriend? For anyone who made it this far, I appreciate your reading it and look forward to your imput.