How unique are we, exactly? --or -- Will I ever find another like her? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

amire · 09-29-2005, 06:10 PM

Hello all. Two things really quick before I go into the meat of my post: first of all, if this is in the wrong forum, please feel free to move my post. My question has its roots in semi-romantic feelings I have had for someone, but it's much more general than a question about romance, as you will see. And if I've missed a thread with a similar topic, please do stop me. I know there's one asking if we can ever truly be unique, and this is related to what I'm asking, but it's not an identical question.

Ok, so here's how this all came about. When I was in high school, I had a semi-crush on a REALLY nice, fun, awesome girl. But I never really pursued her as much as I should have, and she didn't seem amazing at the time. But now that I'm in college and am meeting other girls from other places, I'm realizing how incredibly unique she actually was and what a great person she is compared to 99% of the people I know. I can't believe that I missed my chance with her. It really ticks me off that I didn't at least try.

So now that I've blown my shot with her, I come to my question: will there ever be another girl appreciably close to her in terms of personality and character? More generally: can any given person find what he's looking for in terms of companionship -- be it platonic friendship or non-platonic relationship -- wherever he is? If he desires certain traits in friends, can he find those regardless of location?

I know that we can never find one person who is EXACTLY like another person. That much is quite obvious. But I would think that we can find other people who are similar to those in our past. At least in terms of personality. Am I right? Will I eventually find a girl like the one I wish I'd gotten? Will I find people who are like-minded and who complement me socially? Are some friends or spouses truly one-in-a-million, or is it more like one-in-a-few-hundred?

Cynthetiq · 09-29-2005, 06:55 PM

imo you will always romanticize anyone else and compare her to the "one"

ngdawg · 09-29-2005, 07:28 PM

Seems you're lamenting the one who got away and holding her to an impossible standard that is probably false.
Instead of romanticizing the one, start paying attention to the many. Yes, we are unique. And yes, there will be others that will complement you, maybe even complete you. You just have to be open to that.

Rodney · 09-29-2005, 10:39 PM

You may eventually find a girl who is very unlike the one you're worshipping memory -- but just as exciting to you in her own way. Don't go looking for somebody with a checklist in hand; gets in the way of actually getting to know them.

amire · 09-30-2005, 04:41 AM

So by your responses, you seem to imply that the answer to my more general question -- whether or not people are similar enough to each other that we can find what we're looking for socially -- is that it's very possible to find people we click with socially?

mr sticky · 09-30-2005, 04:48 AM

She may have been one-in-a-million, but in a planet of six billion people, there are still six thousand of her out there.
Keep looking-or better yet, stop looking, make your life completely inconvinient for a relationship, and watch her walk through the door.
It happens.

Martian · 09-30-2005, 06:54 AM

I've never believed in the soul mate theory. There is no on person for everybody. There's dozens of people for each other person and if we break up with one that one clearly wasn't the right one anyway. Get over it.

And in the words of Chuck Pahlaniuk, "You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake! We are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world!"

Actually, that's not entirely relevant. It's just that the visual makes me giggle like a school girl.

vanblah · 09-30-2005, 07:37 AM

As you get older your tastes in people change. Your own personality changes as well ... someone may think you're great right now but in 10 years they may think the person you've become is unnatractive ( in the personality sense). That's why a lot of people get divorced ... they call it "growing apart."

What we really need to do is learn to love the person we're with as THEY change as well. It's funny how we can become the person that our loved ones want us to be if we only try. The reverse is true as well ... we can love the person our loved one has become because if the relationship is working the way it's supposed to they are trying to become the person we want them to be. Selfishness prevents us from becoming the person that our loved ones want us to be.

There are times when problems in relationships are truely insurmountable ... I'm not saying that there is never a reason for divorce (or break up). We've all heard people say things like, "I shouldn't have to change for you," but it's gone to an extreme.

But I digress ...

So to the point ... if you're constantly looking for the person you were enamored with in high school you may end up blinding yourself to a much better potential.

It's also unfair to compare one person to another in general. Each person IS unique in the sense that only they have gone through the experiences that make up their personality.

Rodney · 10-01-2005, 06:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mr sticky

She may have been one-in-a-million, but in a planet of six billion people, there are still six thousand of her out there.
Keep looking-or better yet, stop looking, make your life completely inconvinient for a relationship, and watch her walk through the door.
It happens.

Kind of reminds me of my mother. She's elderly -- okay, over 80 now. My father died maybe 10 years ago and Mom was alone for a few years and fairly lonely. A guy down the block about her age had been caring for his terminally ill wife for some time, and Mom had gone over to help out from time to time. Anyway, Lloyd's (the guy's) wife passes away, and Mom and the neighbors help the Lloyd out. Pretty soon he comes over and starts hanging around. And before things go too far he pops the question, just like that: you're a good person and I think you're cute, I'm a good person, we're both alone and lonely and old and don't want to be on our own, so let's do something about it.

Mom thought about it, they dated for a few months and worked out the details, then got married. Been married five years now, and they're as happy as clams, except for the inevitable physical problems of that time of life. They laugh together all the time; Mom never laughed much when my dad was alive.

What's the point of this? Two reasonable and compatible people of good will who have something to offer each other and motivation to do so can _make_ a good relationship without the traditional romantic rush or lust to get them started.

Yes, you can find a soul mate out there. But there are also people who have the potential to _become_ your soul mate.

Kostya · 10-01-2005, 06:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amire

More generally: can any given person find what he's looking for in terms of companionship -- be it platonic friendship or non-platonic relationship -- wherever he is? If he desires certain traits in friends, can he find those regardless of location?

I think we can agree that unless Wilson the volleyball is your idea of the perfect woman, that being stranded on a deserted island is one location where you will probably not find the ideal woman.

That aside, I think you have a fairly high chance of finding someone who will make you happy on the face of the planet somewhere, and probably somewhere in the tri-state area. In all honesty, I think we are all unique, but that doesn't mean we can't find a whole variety of people who may be entirely different attractive.

2quillmadness · 10-02-2005, 08:04 PM

One of the things I find funny about people is that the traits we seem to think are unique are actually far more common than the ones we think of as common place.
The difference is, you have to search for the uniqueness in some people while others are rather blatant about it.
I don't think that "The one" is a single person, rather it's more liken to the metaphor of an "office position" which is held by a deserving person. Sometimes you see someone and know right from the start that they are right for the job. Other times you need to interview rather extensively and get to know the depths of their personality before that uniqueness is revealed and sometimes... you just have to hire someone and give them a chance to grow into the position.

That sounds a lot more cold than I intended it to, lol. You get the picture though. I think the only way you can "Miss your chance" is to deny the uniqueness of the girls in front of you by being preoccupied with someone who is now unattainable. It's OK to have standards, but if you hold every girl you meet to the same rigid standard, you'll never find uniqueness because you're already closing yourself off to it by doing so.

Poppinjay · 10-03-2005, 05:36 AM

<b>amire</b>,

You're young. You can't even begin to imagine what you will start to find attractive in the next ten years. I had a friend in college who had THE girl. Fun, outgoing, pretty, but my friend was worried over the fact that she just wanted to go to a juco, and really be his wife. So he dropped her for an ambitious girl that went to our school, looked just like the first, except a little smaller, acted like the first, except a little more jealous and less fun, who also wanted to be his wife, but with a four year degree.

So, instead of looking for somebody unique, he ended up with a less vivacious re-tread of his previous girlfriend. They married almost immediately after he graduated. Date around, and if takes 10 more years to develop a soulmate, all the better for waiting rather than trying to make a clone.

5757 · 10-04-2005, 09:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rodney

You may eventually find a girl who is very unlike the one you're worshipping memory -- but just as exciting to you in her own way. Don't go looking for somebody with a checklist in hand; gets in the way of actually getting to know them.

That is really great advice! This would be my problem!

.....................................running off to fix it

Mugzy6 · 10-05-2005, 06:13 PM

What you want in a person that you'd like to have a relationship changes over time. Pretty much every time you start a relationship you think that person is the perfect match for you and you guys are going to be together forever and so on. However, it takes dating these different people to really discover what traits you're looking for.

Also, you may just be looking back at the memories you have with this girl in a skewed sort of way. You could have forgotten her bad qualities, much as say you could forget the pain of another experience. For example, taking a shot of 151. It burns going down the first time and you think "wow, I never want to do that again", but then the next weekend you convince yourself that it wasn't that bad and do it again. This is probably a really crappy example, but it's the best I can come up with on the spur of the moment.

In conclusion, don't go around looking at girls in comparison with the one you think is so great because if you do, you'll probably miss out on a lot of awesome ones.

raeanna74 · 10-06-2005, 04:18 AM

Don't even try to compare. Don't LOOK for the girl who is like the one you missed because you will find yourself continually disappointed. Our memory of things that we desire/d will always be somewhat glorified and nothing can measure up to them. Just look for the ONE for YOU. She wasn't for YOU or 'destiny' would have placed you two in the position where you wouldn't have 'missed' her. I know this is an idealized vision of things but it helps you not overthink stuff.

Hubby had a girl that he felt was the one. He was friends with her for years. He still talks to her once in a while and is GOOD friends with her brother. But he missed his chance. I know about her and how he still feels about her. It isn't competition though. I know that he loves me as well and in a different way even.

You will find someone you can love and build a life with. Don't try to compare her just enjoy.

09-29-2005, 06:10 PM	#1 (permalink)
amire Crazy	How unique are we, exactly? --or -- Will I ever find another like her? Hello all. Two things really quick before I go into the meat of my post: first of all, if this is in the wrong forum, please feel free to move my post. My question has its roots in semi-romantic feelings I have had for someone, but it's much more general than a question about romance, as you will see. And if I've missed a thread with a similar topic, please do stop me. I know there's one asking if we can ever truly be unique, and this is related to what I'm asking, but it's not an identical question. Ok, so here's how this all came about. When I was in high school, I had a semi-crush on a REALLY nice, fun, awesome girl. But I never really pursued her as much as I should have, and she didn't seem amazing at the time. But now that I'm in college and am meeting other girls from other places, I'm realizing how incredibly unique she actually was and what a great person she is compared to 99% of the people I know. I can't believe that I missed my chance with her. It really ticks me off that I didn't at least try. So now that I've blown my shot with her, I come to my question: will there ever be another girl appreciably close to her in terms of personality and character? More generally: can any given person find what he's looking for in terms of companionship -- be it platonic friendship or non-platonic relationship -- wherever he is? If he desires certain traits in friends, can he find those regardless of location? I know that we can never find one person who is EXACTLY like another person. That much is quite obvious. But I would think that we can find other people who are similar to those in our past. At least in terms of personality. Am I right? Will I eventually find a girl like the one I wish I'd gotten? Will I find people who are like-minded and who complement me socially? Are some friends or spouses truly one-in-a-million, or is it more like one-in-a-few-hundred?

09-29-2005, 06:55 PM	#2 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	imo you will always romanticize anyone else and compare her to the "one" __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

09-29-2005, 07:28 PM	#3 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	Seems you're lamenting the one who got away and holding her to an impossible standard that is probably false. Instead of romanticizing the one, start paying attention to the many. Yes, we are unique. And yes, there will be others that will complement you, maybe even complete you. You just have to be open to that. __________________ Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

09-30-2005, 04:48 AM	#6 (permalink)
mr sticky Psycho Location: NC	She may have been one-in-a-million, but in a planet of six billion people, there are still six thousand of her out there. Keep looking-or better yet, stop looking, make your life completely inconvinient for a relationship, and watch her walk through the door. It happens. __________________ The sad thing is... as you get older you come to realize that you don't so much pilot your life, as you just try to hold on, in a screaming, defiant ball of white-knuckle anxious fury

09-30-2005, 06:54 AM	#7 (permalink)
Martian Young Crumudgeon Location: Canada	I've never believed in the soul mate theory. There is no on person for everybody. There's dozens of people for each other person and if we break up with one that one clearly wasn't the right one anyway. Get over it. And in the words of Chuck Pahlaniuk, "You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake! We are the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world!" Actually, that's not entirely relevant. It's just that the visual makes me giggle like a school girl. __________________ I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said - Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame Last edited by Martian; 09-30-2005 at 07:38 AM..

09-29-2005, 10:39 PM	#4 (permalink)
Rodney Observant Ruminant Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town	You may eventually find a girl who is very unlike the one you're worshipping memory -- but just as exciting to you in her own way. Don't go looking for somebody with a checklist in hand; gets in the way of actually getting to know them.

09-30-2005, 04:41 AM	#5 (permalink)
amire Crazy	So by your responses, you seem to imply that the answer to my more general question -- whether or not people are similar enough to each other that we can find what we're looking for socially -- is that it's very possible to find people we click with socially?

09-30-2005, 07:37 AM	#8 (permalink)
vanblah Junkie	As you get older your tastes in people change. Your own personality changes as well ... someone may think you're great right now but in 10 years they may think the person you've become is unnatractive ( in the personality sense). That's why a lot of people get divorced ... they call it "growing apart." What we really need to do is learn to love the person we're with as THEY change as well. It's funny how we can become the person that our loved ones want us to be if we only try. The reverse is true as well ... we can love the person our loved one has become because if the relationship is working the way it's supposed to they are trying to become the person we want them to be. Selfishness prevents us from becoming the person that our loved ones want us to be. There are times when problems in relationships are truely insurmountable ... I'm not saying that there is never a reason for divorce (or break up). We've all heard people say things like, "I shouldn't have to change for you," but it's gone to an extreme. But I digress ... So to the point ... if you're constantly looking for the person you were enamored with in high school you may end up blinding yourself to a much better potential. It's also unfair to compare one person to another in general. Each person IS unique in the sense that only they have gone through the experiences that make up their personality. Last edited by vanblah; 09-30-2005 at 07:40 AM..

10-02-2005, 08:04 PM	#11 (permalink)
2quillmadness Upright Location: Arsecrack California	One of the things I find funny about people is that the traits we seem to think are unique are actually far more common than the ones we think of as common place. The difference is, you have to search for the uniqueness in some people while others are rather blatant about it. I don't think that "The one" is a single person, rather it's more liken to the metaphor of an "office position" which is held by a deserving person. Sometimes you see someone and know right from the start that they are right for the job. Other times you need to interview rather extensively and get to know the depths of their personality before that uniqueness is revealed and sometimes... you just have to hire someone and give them a chance to grow into the position. That sounds a lot more cold than I intended it to, lol. You get the picture though. I think the only way you can "Miss your chance" is to deny the uniqueness of the girls in front of you by being preoccupied with someone who is now unattainable. It's OK to have standards, but if you hold every girl you meet to the same rigid standard, you'll never find uniqueness because you're already closing yourself off to it by doing so. __________________ _"Can the omnipotent God create a stone that he himself cannot carry?"_

10-03-2005, 05:36 AM	#12 (permalink)
Poppinjay You had me at hello Location: DC/Coastal VA	<b>amire</b>, You're young. You can't even begin to imagine what you will start to find attractive in the next ten years. I had a friend in college who had THE girl. Fun, outgoing, pretty, but my friend was worried over the fact that she just wanted to go to a juco, and really be his wife. So he dropped her for an ambitious girl that went to our school, looked just like the first, except a little smaller, acted like the first, except a little more jealous and less fun, who also wanted to be his wife, but with a four year degree. So, instead of looking for somebody unique, he ended up with a less vivacious re-tread of his previous girlfriend. They married almost immediately after he graduated. Date around, and if takes 10 more years to develop a soulmate, all the better for waiting rather than trying to make a clone. __________________ I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

10-05-2005, 06:13 PM	#14 (permalink)
Mugzy6 Tilted Location: North Carolina	What you want in a person that you'd like to have a relationship changes over time. Pretty much every time you start a relationship you think that person is the perfect match for you and you guys are going to be together forever and so on. However, it takes dating these different people to really discover what traits you're looking for. Also, you may just be looking back at the memories you have with this girl in a skewed sort of way. You could have forgotten her bad qualities, much as say you could forget the pain of another experience. For example, taking a shot of 151. It burns going down the first time and you think "wow, I never want to do that again", but then the next weekend you convince yourself that it wasn't that bad and do it again. This is probably a really crappy example, but it's the best I can come up with on the spur of the moment. In conclusion, don't go around looking at girls in comparison with the one you think is so great because if you do, you'll probably miss out on a lot of awesome ones.

10-06-2005, 04:18 AM	#15 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	Don't even try to compare. Don't LOOK for the girl who is like the one you missed because you will find yourself continually disappointed. Our memory of things that we desire/d will always be somewhat glorified and nothing can measure up to them. Just look for the ONE for YOU. She wasn't for YOU or 'destiny' would have placed you two in the position where you wouldn't have 'missed' her. I know this is an idealized vision of things but it helps you not overthink stuff. Hubby had a girl that he felt was the one. He was friends with her for years. He still talks to her once in a while and is GOOD friends with her brother. But he missed his chance. I know about her and how he still feels about her. It isn't competition though. I know that he loves me as well and in a different way even. You will find someone you can love and build a life with. Don't try to compare her just enjoy. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.