Jinn

WARNING: This post is really long (I am pretty bad at that, aren't I?) but its very applicable to Tilted Living -- it's about how I SHOULD live my life for the next.. 20 years?

How do you deal with life when everything seems to be so exciting, but you don't have enough time for any of it? Ordinarily, a post like this would be when things were going bad, but ..oddly enough.. things are going TOO good. Let me explain:

I have a wonderful WONDERFUL girlfriend, so much that I couldn't sleep for a half hour after she left last night, because I was smiling too much. I've never been with a girl who understood me, liked me, loved me, had such a unique personality, believed so strongly in some things and still was so compromising in others, and yet was still attracted to ME. She's a perfect distraction from everything in my life, and yet I can still be ME without feeling tied down.

I have a great roommate, the man who you cannot enrage. No matter what I did, I'm sure he'd say "Oh, its OKAY" and mean it. We live 3 minutes from my University, and 5 from my work. My parents pay for my rent, my cell phone, my food, and even my car insurance (for the time being).

I've got a job that pays twice what I've gotten in any previous job ($15 / hr), and I do very little. It's a 6 or 7 minute drive to work everyday, and I only work 4 hours a day (except Friday). It fits perfectly with my schedule, and they're very flexible when it comes to re-arranging my hours (as long as it stays at 24).

I'm two years into a BS in Computer Science -- any career with this degree would likely net me $45,000 - $60,000 a year, and my current employer has even offered to give me full-time salaried status after I graduate.

Why then, am I so panicked? My life appears to be ideal from an outsiders perspective, yet inside I'm kinda going... "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

You see, I have too many things I wish I could do, and not enough time to do them all. I've got 18 credit hours of school in addition to 24 hours of work. On top of that, I have all the time I must spent on homework and studying, and time spent with my (as above) awesome girlfriend. When I think about my career opportunities, I get incredibly scared. I'm a Computer Science major, and I already LOATHE the idea of being a professional programmer. I get frustrated to the point of tears when computer programs I've written don't run like I think they SHOULD.

Maybe I should change majors? But-- I'm half way through, and my parents have told me they'll only pay for 4 years -- so I'd better get SOMETHING in that time frame, right? I love helping people, and I especially love being recognized as a contributor and a guardian and a helper. Last year that meant that I wanted to be a police officer. The idea that I could help people on a day-to-day basis, serve the community, and be recognized every day in that uniform as a protector of the People appealed to me. I would graduate with a BS in Computer Science and apply to the Police Academy. It was settled.

Unnttttill I realized that I would likely become a very corrupt police officer. You see, I believe in supporting the spirit of the law, and not the the letter of the law. If I saw a drunk college student (under the age of 21) I would be hard-pressed morally to arrest them. My morals would tell me that I wasn't really serving as a Protector if I were arresting someone who was not directly harming person or property. This applies to many laws, and I'm sure they're all open to debate. For me, however, I disagreed with too many laws to be an effective enforcer of them. What do I do NOW?

Flash forward to this year. I've gotten a class as a Junior Teaching Assistant (a free 3 credit hours) for Freshman Seminar. I absolutely LOVE being a teacher. There's something rewarding about hopping from station to station helping these 17 and 18 year old "kids" understand the inner-workings of the robots we are building. Its especially (and selfishly) powerful when they have the "Lightbulb" moment and entirely understand the concept -- and recognize ME as the one who helped them. I love that feeling! Enough so that I decided I would finish my major in Computer Science, perhaps going for a Masters or PHD, and teach entry-level computer classes at a University. I communicate very well (and often), and I've been noted by my friends for being very good at teaching them things. Although I distate the higher level Computer Science classes (Automata, Computability, and Complexity, anyone?) I would feel comfortable teaching an intro-level "How to use a computer" class -- and I think it would be rewarding.

HOWEVER, the mix is now complicated by another aspiration. After seeing images like http://forums.cgsociety.org/showthread.php?t=255737 and http://forums.cgsociety.org/showthread.php?t=266141, I decided that I WANT to be able to create those things. I want to be able to spend a few hours making a dedicated art piece like that, and be able to show it off. Look what I created!!! I'd love to work for a cutting-edge game company, designing amazingly realistic 3D characters and virtual environments and realities. The problem here? Well.. I suck. I'm relatively horrible at analog (2d, pen and paper) drawing, and my skillset with a 3D program like Maya or 3Ds Max is almost none. Its entirely complicated and convoluted, and I'm already busy. I've been reading a very good book called Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain, which describes art as merely giving your left brain a task it refuses to do, so that your creative right brain will take over. The book has been around for 30 years, and many artists swear by it -- they went from horrible art to published paid art. That said, it inspires confidence that if I were given the time or rigor of an University devoted to this art, I could succed. I know that my computer aptitude (and degree) will certainly make the 3D creation of art much easier. It can't really be a hobby, however, because of the time and consistency I'd need to continue creating these things.

Now that I've told you my whole life story, you might have begun to see the problem.

What do I do? From 8 am to 6 pm, I'm in class or work. After that, I want to relax and see my girlfriend, or drain my brain playing computer games. Some days, I'll have homework, and neither of these will be possible. On the days following those hardcore studying nights, I'll DEFINITELY want to do the things above. Where does my pursuit of art fit in? If I wait until I finish my degree in computer science, I'll likely have to start working full time to pay for the expenses that my parents won't be paying anymore. In doing so, this same free time will be gone as I work my life away at a job-- that although it pays well -- is SO boring. (I pretend to test computer software while I read TFP and art forums) If I want to pursue the art career, I need to somehow accumulate the funds for another 2 or 4 years at an art school of some sort, and if I strive to become a teacher -- likely the same thing. What if I go to the art school and learn that these skills really are more innate than I thought, and I won't have what it takes? What if the same thing happens with getting a Masters / PHD and teaching? I could drop out of school NOW and go to art school, but I'm not positive my family or friends would really support that. I could quit work and use that time for academic and art studies, but I'd be quitting a job that pays me twice what I could get anywhere else. In addition, I'd not be able to go out as much and my money would slowly drain.

I'm at a HUUUUGE crossroads, and I want to make sure I take the right path now. I'm sure you older members will agree that I should find the thing I want to do NOW instead of wasting years doing the wrong thing. I don't want to end up 10 years down the road stuck in a shitty job with a shitty house and a shitty life that I can't escape. It occurs to me that this must be a common problem, so what's the right path, how do I balance my time, and how do I return some semblance of sanity to my life? AAAAAAAHHH.. If you made it this far, please offer some sort of suggestion or .. something..

Please help..

Love,
JinnKai

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Jinn

Haha.. after posting that I realized just how freakin' long it was. Sorry that I couldn't spare you the details, but they're pretty relevant to the conundrum.

HELP!

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Mr Honest

I'm not going to tell you what to do, you'll only hunt me down and kill me if it all goes terribly wrong. You will have to blame yourself when you fail!

Ok seriously
There is no right and wrong career. Expecting to enjoy a job day in day out for the rest of your life is not most people's life. Now when you are young you think you won't be like most ordinary people's lives. That's not for you. Well it probably is.

Enjoy your time while you can. Don't at your age narrow down your possibilities too soon. Hey, even if you do and end up down the wrong path. You can turn back, it will just be harder later on.

__________________
Human beings : who could ever claim to like them all?

pig

Jinn, I've been in a position similar to yours, as I'm sure many others have. I personally think that you should start by calming down and realizing that you really can't take the "wrong" path. It's all part of learning experience, and you figure it out as you go.

/quick aside: you can take the wrong path I suppose. walk out in front a mac truck, etc.

It sounds to me like you don't know what you want to do right now. OK. As much as you might want to know, you don't. Accept that. In my opinion, that's the first step. Don't force yourself to reach conclusions you haven't actually arrived at yet, and be patient with yourself.

I think you may be creating a false delimna for yourself, but that's possibly a matter of personal perspective. In my opinion, the reality of wanting to have a place to sleep and some food to eat is very important to accept. I would suggest developing your art as a personal expression, and if a time comes when you feel that you are ready to try to "make it," then go for it.

Or throw caution to the wind, try it out and see what happens. I'd finish that degree before doing this. Just remember, everything in life doesn't have to be crazy-go-nuts dramatic, and I've found that the more lasting transitions usually occur more slowly. Best of luck.

__________________
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

abaya

Jinn, I've DEFINITELY been there, and somedays I think I'm still there. I start thinking that there is one right path, and that I am not on it... and then I start doubting everything that I'm doing. A little bit of self-doubt can be healthy, but not to the point where it distracts you to the point of paralysis by analysis.

Now I'm 26 and starting to get used to the idea that the rest of my life is going to be a little less "on fire" than I once thought it would be, but that this doesn't mean I'm a less interesting person as a result. Knowing what you want is one of the most important things in life, and don't rush that process of discovering. And yep, Pigglet's right, drama is overrated... a tough truth to swallow, but dammit I'm trying! Let the transitions happen on their own... do what makes you happy right NOW, and let the rest fall by the wayside. Otherwise you'll just drain yourself and go insane or something like that.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Ustwo

If you are willing to push yourself you can get more done than you think.

Example, when I was in college an 18 hour load was 'full' and you had to petition if you wanted to take more.

When I was in dental school, my first semester was 26 hours, all science classes. (And I played a LOT of counter strike then, and got married too)

On the other hand I could have got my masters with a finger up my nose time commitment wise.

Basicly do what you WANT. You can find time for more than one thing in your life if you just do it.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Xazy

Wow where to begin.

First off, congrat on being happy!

But as far as the job / career thing, I have to agree that there is no right or wrong answer. As someone who went into comp sci, myself and started my career doing that, I can state my concerns I felt. Every year there is new technology, and new students graduating who know almost as much as you. You always have to stay on the cutting edge. The place you have to move yourself towards is a supervisor / group project role. I saw this in both software/hardware end, working doing consulting.

I personally at that point for no real reason, had a job oprotunity, with a family member outside of the computer field. I made the leap into real estate. I love my job, I am happy, the hours are even longer, but I am happy.

The key to happiness is being satisfied with your lot. Not sure if this helps, but that is my two cents.

Sultana

Basically, it's about priorities. Determine what yours are, versus how much you have time for, and live accordingly.

Congrats on having a great life, by the way! It's a wonderful gift when people see the beauty around them.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Jinn

First off -- thank you all for reading my intensely long post and taking the time to reply. I was in school all day (as I said above) and just now got a chance to check it. I just watched the car turning left in front of me get blown to fuck by a guy going 50 down the shoulder, so I'm thinking I should rearrange my priorities right fuckin' now. So I guess the big question I have now is .. for those of you "successful" in your careers, how did you decide you'd be good at it? Like Ustwo -- how did you decide you'd be a good dentist? Or any of you other career folk? I don't particularly want to devote 6 or 8 years of study to be mediocre..

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

joemc91

You seem to be so happy with how things are going right now. Why not just sit back for a little bit, relax, and enjoy the ride? Spend the time with your girlfriend, keep going to school and work, keep playing those video games, and don't focus so much on the future.

During my last year of school I still didn't know what I really wanted to do. Sure, it was going to be either flying or network admin work, but I didn't know which. I ended up getting a job doing something I've wanted to do as long as I can remember, which is to fly jets. The funny part is that I wasn't even expecting to get a job doing this, I planned to go home and work out there.

To put it simply, you've still got two years left before you're out, so just enjoy it and think about the future occasionally but don't obsess about it. As for fitting in the art, you've just got too much stuff on the schedule. Something will have to give, why not just take fewer credits next semester?

Dungeon_Shade

Smoke some weed, relax, and do what you want to do

__________________
"If you can hear this whispering you are dying."- Pink Floyd

amonkie

JinnKai - I think the question of being "good" is sometimes irrelevant - what does not always come naturally in most cases can come as a result of experience and dedication. maybe the better question is "what would make me want to jump out of bed to go to work in the morning?" Money won't get you the things that are really important in life, however if Security is a big priority for you (and often security = money) then be sure to take that into account. Being an artist is a love for many, but not as many are also able to sustain themselves fully as a career.

__________________
Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

HiWayMan

What more can I say, but welcome to life. College is fun, and I'm glad you are generally happy, but not to be a downer, enjoy it. We can't tell you what to do. Make up your own mind about what you want to do as a career, it is your first trying decision as an adult, and there will be more, and they will only get more difficult.

rofgilead

If you went on to graduate school to get a masters degree or PhD, you'll find it a lot different than your undergraduate studies. There is far less class work/homework/studying and far more reading research and working in labs/computer labs. It is very difficult - and doesn't pay well... tremendously frustrating..

grrr....

But! It is very purposeful to contribute to knowledge too...

(I'm in my second year of a PhD in Physiology and Biophysics)

--- I was also a computer science major in college - but I chose to go with the biology route, even though it will pay less. It is just seeingly far more purposeful to study life and learn rather than simply create computer programs... and more full of surprises!

Sweetpea

The only thing i can say is that, 99.9 percent of people come to a place eventually that you are at right now. I think it says allot how much thought you are putting into everything...

the advice that i can give and where i found all My answers was:

Quiet your mind, focus and look inside... all the answers you are looking for, only you can answer for yourself. Deep down, you know the right path for you.. so the best thing i can say is Trust Your Instincts!



Sweetpea

__________________
Having a Pet Will Change Your Life!
Looking for a great pet?! Click Here!
"I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

raeanna74

One question come to mind. If Mom and Pop are paying for your expenses AND school, what are you doing with all that money you're making?? If you sock it away into a savings account you'll be creating a lot more freedom for yourself. You could pay for another year or two of college by the time you're done with those 4 years Mom and Dad said they'd pay for.

Also - if you are only halfway through it's likely you've not taken all that many courses for your specific major. Most colleges plan for you to take the basic courses - english, history, math, etc. For the first year and into the second. It's your Junior and Senior year when you really hit the courses for your declared major. This is because (I don't remember the percentage for sure) something like half of all students change their major by the Sophomore year and sometimes before their Junior year. Colleges plan for it. They expect it. You are probably right on track with questioning if this is what you want to do.

As for what you THINK you want to do. Pick something that will give you the BACKGROUND you need. For example I wanted to work with children. I got a major in Elementary education. Only a couple more years for a Masters Degree and I could do anything from being a school psychologist, social work, or computer tech classes. I don't have to be a teacher. A degree is, as another member has said, only a foot in the door. You are not DOOMED to be stuck in a career that you hate.

Go talk to people you admire in positions you think you'd like. Schedule an interview with them and ask them questions. Like: What kind of degree did you have to get here? What do you like best about your work? What do you like least?
I did this even after I was pretty certain what I wanted. I talked to many different people. All were quite willing to talk to me and direct me in the right direction. Some gave me advice, should I choose their profession. I still remember some of that advice and have used it.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.