Siege

I couldn't find anything within the last 2 months that answered this, and none of the words were accepted by the search, so I hope i'm not repeating anything.

Anyway, as stupid as this sounds, I have a hard time saying no in many different situations. I'd say i'm a nice guy *cough*spineless*cough*. But I think that's the problem. I'll give a few examples.

1) I used to teach English. I was payed a certain amount for a certain amount of classes. When the classes ended, I assumed that I wouldn't have to teach this person again. But the problem is, I see this person fairly often, and since they still lack practice, they sometimes can't say some words without my help. This means that often they will come up to me and ask me for help. I really don't mind this once in a while, but it's gotten to the point where I feel that i'm helping them too much. And perhaps it's because i'm spineless, but I lack the ability to say "look, you payed me for those lessons, and now you're practically getting them for free. If you want more help, you might as well keep taking lessons either from me or someone else."

2) I also happen to teach a sport. As an employee of that establishment, I am allowed to play there as a regular member whenever I wish. The problem is when people come up to me asking for help on technique/strategy. Again, I don't mind this once in a while. But an extreme example was when a member insisted I play with him almost every time last saturday. Again, I lack the ability to say "If you really need this much help, why don't you just take some lessons?" The only way I get out of these types of situations is when I claim i'm "taking a break for a few rounds" and then wait til said person is playing so I can get on the next rotation.

I think the underlying problem is that I don't like saying no to people if it's in my power to do something, I really feel like a complete asshole when charities ask me for money and I say "no," (most of the time, I give them something) even though I regularly donate to charities without them coming up to me.

Any suggestions?

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This part just makes my posts easier to find

aberkok

There is no easy way. You'll just have to politely decline and state that: "I'm afraid I can't help anymore." If they don't understand or become resentful, remember that you've already done so much to help. People like you aren't satisfied with themselves unless everyone has been helped and I'm sure you can see how unrealistic an ideal that is.

In the long run, if you continue to not to say no to people, you may just end up a bitter old man. I speak from experience.

The other approach is to strategically remove yourself from the situations where people ask you for favours. This doesn't seem to apply to you and in the end wouldn't help the underlying problem which is that you are afraid to say no.

Wow... writing that just helped me! I should practice what I preach.

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Sweetpea

Well, i think allot of people have this problem, although most probably try to pretend it's just because they are super nice or overly kind individuals, it's more of a fear of disappointing people... when you say "NO" to someone or a charity or a work function etc. it's often seen as "letting the other person or group down."

Do you feel as though you're afraid of letting people down? Do you fear disappointing people?

I think one of the key things to focus on is that you can give people MORE when you put Yourself first. Self care is very important and it seems as though several individuals at least have been using you for their own personal benefit. Learning to say "no" is an important step in getting your life where you want it or just avoiding people who will use you until there is nothing left for them.

I used to have issues saying "no" to people. I didn't want them to think i was rejecting them and i didn't want to disappoint them, especially at work, this was an issue, because i would always end up taking on more than i could do and my work would suffer because of it. Now i have a job as an assistant physical therapist where my boss always asks me to do extra things, and i've HAD to learn to say "no, i'm sorry, this is the best i can do, i cannot add any extra hours or days." It was difficult at first, but now it's a matter of preserving what little free time i have...

Saying no to people wasn't easy the first few times, but i've found it gets easier over time. Setting boundaries with people right away, whether they be friends or work associates is very important.

I would suggest setting boundaries for Yourself when a situation arises... for instance... when teaching a sport... set the boundary with yourself that you will only help person xyz One time... (if you want to at all). Just make it clear to them and set the boundaries right away "I can help you this one time, but if you still need assistance after that, you'll have to find someone who has more time." And stick to it. If they pressure you (and most people try to pressure you) just stick to what you set for yourself and firmly tell them "no, i'm sorry, i just can't, i have personal commitments."

Those are just a couple examples and i hope they were somewhat helpful.

bottom line: Set boundaries with people right away and if they try to break from those that you have set, say "no" right away.

Sweetpea

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Stiltzkin

<a href=http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?userid=YG2oVVACko&isbn=0553263900&itm=2>When I Say No, I Feel Guilty</a> (book)
I own a copy of it myself, but college has prevented me from reading it cover-to-cover. There's some good stuff in there if you are so inclined give this a try.

Sultana

How about, instead of saying No, try:
"You seem like you could use another set of tutoring. How does $XXX (insert mad benjamins here) sound for 2 hours a week?"


Then it's up to them to say yes or no. :P

Another thing you could practice is, "No thanks, but thanks for asking!" (with a sincere smile) even if it doesn't seem a 100% fit with the question asked. Then stop talking...don't justify, don't give in, just...don't. With a smile. Wash, rinse, repeat as needed.

No, I can't tell you how to say no, but thanks for asking! *bright smile*

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Seeker

By doing things for others you are not allowing them to do for themselves. You are creating a co-dependant relationship. You are taking on their responsibility. Do you believe that they honestly can't do anything without you?

Try thinking to yourself that by coming and asking you for all this help, they are actually being lazy. They don't want to do for themselves, they want you to do it all for them. As a teacher, what advice would you give them under this light? As a teacher, how would you teach them to support themselves in these situations?

Just an example for your second scenario...
I really think it will help your technique to play with others, take what we have gone through in this round and try it with other players... see how it works for you.

You would not exactly be saying no in this above example, you are giving them the opportunity to take what they have learnt and use it themselves. Initially they will probably be insecure with this idea but if they don't seek the confidence to do it themselves, then why the heck do they want to do it at all!

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Cynthetiq

what sweatpea said....

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