angeltek

I apologise now if this is a long story, but I need an outsiders opinion.

Just over 3 years ago I met a wonderful gal that I will call Sarah. We hit things off real well, and within 2 months of dating we were getting pretty serious. we moved in together after 6 months and things were going good.

Then just after a year of being together, we went to a all weekend camping and music festival (rave). Now, She does not aprove of drugs, and I had promised her a few months ago that I would stop. Well, she went into town as her mom was coming to visit, and I broke down and did some mushrooms. When she came back, I felt guilty about it and told her. She was really pissed off, and drove back into the city leaving me stranded out there. She did come back the next day to pick me up, but I receoived the silent treatment for a good while. She decided to sleep in a different room then me too. This lasted a week or 2 at least. She was angry at me for a good long wile...about 3 months. She finally agreed to go to relationship councilling after a friend of hers told her she was being a lil harsh to me, especially after 3 months. She would vent about evertything and I would let her ( this would after nearly 2 years would be blurred with venting and using me as a verbal and emotional punching bag.)

The counciler that we were going to helped us out with some communication and told her that it sounded like she was redirecting her anger that she had for her brother on to me, as he was a drug addict and had caused a lot of hurt and pain in her life. After 3 sessions, She was no longer intrested in going to these sessions as she had work and classes. I of course thoguth we should still go but, I gave up after a while.

Then, at the beggining of january we found out that she was pregnant. Things started to get better between us. She did gi thriugn the entire pregnancy with a constant morning sickness though. Then Our son was born at the end of august. Which was almost a year ago now.

She was on Maternity and I was working, and getting close to christmans I realised that she had gotten suicidal and was suffering from post pardom depression. Finally after about 5 months of this, and the inclusion of Psychotic episodes, she was finally put on medication. She started to get better and more sure of herslef, and she seemed to be more of a person then I ever knew her to be. I found this quite attractive, and the occasional intimate evening happened...although not often, but it was happening again.

Then at the beginning of June I switched jobs and she started a new job. I lost my job after 2 weeks and was a little depressed over it. (later in I discovered it was around this time that she lowered her medication without consulting a doctor first.) Shortly afterwards, she informed me that hse was not happy with our relationship and that we needed to work oin some things. She claimed that she had been trying several things (although she did not mention what they were) in the past. I had no idea she felt this way till now as she had not said so in the past. I listened to what she said, and I did what she fet needed to be done. soon she started getting angry with me all the time, getting upset with me because I was doing the things she wanted me to do to help the relationship. She also told me that she would do everything she could to save our relationship before giving up on us.

I went to a doctor myself as I was having suicidal thoughts, and am now undergoing therapy and medication for depression.

Then this last sunday I get home from my parents place, and she was waiting out in the front of our pat building with one of my mriends, who has hung out with us a bit over the last few months. I should also moention that I have had fears and dreams that she had been chaeating on me with him, although I knew she wasn't. I had told her about that nad she reasured me she had not. Well, she comes up, and starts off by telling me she can't live with me anynore and wants to break up. she then tells me that there are many reasons, but the mosti imortant is for our son. She thinks that if I spend less time with him, then the time I do spend will be more meaningfull. That was bull, and I told her that, she then told me that She was talking with my frind the last 2 days and that she was going to pursue a relationship with him.at this point I was upset, but I managed to remain civil and after talking for about an hour and crying. I called my parnets to pick me up.

The next morning she came to my parents place and we tlaked some more. She told me that she had kissed him the night befoire as well. However they decided that they really didn;t want to be with eacother. So instead she asked if it could be a temporary seperation. Being the person and the state I was in, I told her yes. We agreed that in a month that we would talkin about things and see if we wanted to get back together or not.

As far as our son is concerned we agreed to a 1 week on 1 week off rotation for who has him. We also agreed that we would try to remain friends, and not use him to hurt eachother.

We also figured out that the main reason why she was unhappy was because She wasn't allowing herslef to trust me because of what happenend 2 years ago. And she felt that I was being too clingy and that she felt that I needed to be with her to be happy. The clingy part is something that I was easily able to fix, but the trust part I couldn't. She had to allow herself to trust me.

On wednesday we were talking as I am not wanting to live with my parents and as soon as I can afford to moveout I will be. She then said we would have to talk about living arrangements for our sone, but not now as she didn't feel like getting into an argument. This really upset me, and I am almost thinking she was going to say that I would only get him on the weekends ro everyother weekend or some other bull crap thing like that.

Then today, I get my car back from the shop, and she calls me up and asks if she can borrow it for a few days as ashee needs a car for work., She has time off from one of her jobs buyt she works at a video store as well which is a 10 min walk from where she is. I asked her why and she told me it was so she could pick up the Friend that she had kissed a few days ago (I consider it cheated with btw) so that he could babysit our son. I told her that I didn't have a problem babysitting. She then told me she didn't want to do the whole opposite end of the cuty thing. She then mentioned that Thid "friend" was the only person she trusted to babysit him.

Now, I have alot of things going through my head, but it sounds like she was looking for an out because she was unhappy and even though she told me she was oging to do everything she could to save the relationship, yet did nothing, and cheated on me with one of my friends, I feel like she has lied to me, cheated on me, and basically usong me as a safety net as things didn't workout with starting a relationshopwith my friend...so she is settling for trying to fix things with me supposedly.

I am really angry and upset with her, and I am debating if it's worth even remaining friends with her. On one side, I miss her, and I love and care about her. But on the other hand, I am angry, betrayed, and feel tossed away by her.

I definatley need some serios outside opinions on this. My True friends that wouldn't try and get between me and a girlfriend are pretty upset with her. They don't like her anynore. But they are my friends, so I would expect to hear that kind of support.

I need true advice here.

maleficent

First off, no matter how hurt you are, for the sake of your child, you need to find some way of maintaining a civil relationship with her, you don't have to be friends, but kids aren't stupid, they will pick up on the anger that you feel. A child deserves both parents, and if mom and dad are going to be fighting, they'll feel the need to pick sides, no child should have to go thru that.

Are you two going to go back to counselling? The issues that you both have seem like a lot for you to try and deal with on your own, without some help. Someone impartial would be useful.

You need to learn how to say no, and protect yourself a little bit. Why are you giving her everything she wants at the expense of your own happiness? Is it so that she'll stay? Sorry to say it but she's taking advantage of you and you are willingly let her.

Going back to the incident two years ago, you know how she felt about drugs, did you promise her that you would not do any drugs? If so, I'd be pretty ticked that you broke that promise to me. Did you know, before counselling, why she felt so strongly about drugs? If not, you two have a lot of communications issues.

Sounds like this relationship was build around a 'sex haze'... Going from nothing to living together when you really didn't know each other well. Now the sex haze is fading and your real personalities are coming out. Having a child, complicates it a lot.

You need to do what is best for you, and also what is best for your child. Two parents who are living seperate but happy lives might be a lot better than two parents under the same roof who really don't get along that well.

I'd get yourselves back into counselling and then see if you can figure out exactly where the issues in your relationship are, and how you can work through them, together.

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Mousencrantz

Being a child of divorced parents at age 10, I can say that two happy parents split apart are much better than them together. And yes, be civil. I have found that in my life, filled with divorced couples, the screwed up kids are those of uncivil parents. What I would recommend is yes, counselling, but dont settle for the *two weekends out of the month* crap. Dads always get saddled with that, and from my experiences, the mothers can be worse at raising a child. Do the week on week off thing, its better for the child, or else you, the father, might end up being phased out. Don't let her do that to you. She seems manipulative and I'm sure, as it might have been your intention, she has the aire of a horrid mother. I'm probably wrong, but I wouldn't let her have custody of your son. The relationship seems a dying one, but it might be salvagable. Just think about your son. He will be the greatest thing in your life, so don't lose him in trying to keep her.

Best of Luck,

Mouse

P.S: I'm rooting for you man, fathers need to be in their child's life more.

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"This Existence is Solitary, for I am known to everyone but known by noone"

meembo

Be a parent first -- that part will never go away, and it gets better and better as you invest in it. Fight for every minute you can spend with your child! Secondly, talk to neutral 3rd party - a counselor - and do what you have to do to keep it cool between you and the mother of your child. I dislike my ex STRONGLY, but when I think of her solely as the Mother Of My Children, I can get along with her just enough to get things done.

In the long term, it's definitely about you and the kid FIRST. Take care of that and protect it. Trust me, when you get older you will be glad that your kid knows you as a dad who was actually there.

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