fairly confused. - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

klep · 07-22-2005, 03:22 AM

hello. i'm not sure this is meant to go here so if it isn't feel free to move it. I can't think of a decent way to begin so i'll just launch in to the start. I'm a 19 year old male. I've never been the type of guy to not be able to recognise whether another guy was good looking or not. For instance, once i was talking with a friend about 2 brothers. One is clearly better looking than the other and i asked if he was talking about the uglier one or the better looking one. He claimed he "didnt know which was which". So i guess im fairly open in that way.

Anyway, the other day whilst watching the live 8 concert i ate some magic mushrooms. I saw the singer from the Who and thought to myself "wow, he must be in to his 60s and he still looks great". At that moment a thought hit me. I became absolutely adament i was gay. What made it worse was that i thought the mushrooms wore off a while a go so i thought it was completely true. It was an absolutely horrible feeling as I've never thought i was gay at all. i went out with agirl for over 3 years from the time i was 15 - 18 and broke up with her roughly a year ago. Since then i've had small crushes on one or two girls but they have passed and in all honsety, it took me a long time to get over my last girlfriend and i've not really been interested in seeing anyone else. However, since i had that thought whilst watching live8 i've become a bit different. My interest in sex has decreased (i'm just not horny very much) and i can't shake the feeling i had when i had this 'epiphany'. I've just not a clue whether i'm straight or not or what really. I dont find the thought of having sex with a man appealing at all, but similiarly my desire for women seems to have decreased. I seem to have become disinterested in sex as a whole.

i told my friend but he wasn't much help. just kept telling me that he and none of my mates would care if i was gay or not and that also i shouldnt keep trying to talk myself out of it. and in all honesty i am trying to assure myself i'm not gay. I really dont want to be. I want to have a wife and a family with kids one day, i love women and had a wonderful relationship with my last girlfriend who i honestly couldnt have been more attracted to. Also, this 'epiphany' was drug induced so i'm not sure how much credit it should have.

anyway, i'm not sure what sort of responses this would garner but it feels good to write it all down so i thought i;d see if anyone had experienced anything similar.

cheers

EDIT:
i just did some searching and found:

Quote:

Some indigenous tribes refer to mushrooms as the divine penis, and there certainly is a connection. Shrooms are not explicitly an aphrodisiac, but they for sure don't cause impotence and just as in daily life sensuality, sex and love often pop up in a psychedelic voyage. Therefore sex is a topic that can't be ignored. It is a bit repressed in our society, but lots of people like to experiment with sex and drugs, in all kinds of combinations and with all kinds of substances. This can be fun although the lust, the libido, on a trip will often come and go in waves, you'll get easily distracted. Especially because we often have deep frustrations and wounds in this area, this can result in deep encounters and unexpected landscapes during a trip. It can be quite scary to see what lives deep inside you, what almost all of us keep secret, while we often condemn it in others. Unsuspected homosexual tendencies can easily startle you. Be reassured, everyone has similar feelings deep down, that doesn't necessarily mean that this will change your `normal' behavior.

that seems a little reassuring. seems to be saying that other people have possible encountered something similar anyway.

one other thing, this doubt comes and goes. Sometimes i'm sure i'm straight. I went to sweden just last week and was amazed and the volume of beautiful girls who i was attracted to but now i'm back doubt has once again set it. Maybe i just need to find a girlfriend.

Sorry if this is all very melodramatic and immature. I'm kind of just thinking out loud. cheers again.

MiSo · 07-22-2005, 03:57 AM

there's nothing wrong with admitting another guy is attractive.
i'm a 23 year old male and i dont have a problem admitting if a guy looks good.
for the record, i am not gay. i feel secure about my sexuality and confident in my masculinity. it takes a big man to admit if another guy is good looking.
i'm not afraid to say "i think i have one up in the looks department compared to xxx"
or "yeah, he's better looking than me".

but yeah, drugs will mess you up pretty bad.
i remember the first time i did esctasy. there was a guy next to me and i felt like i wanted to kiss him. :shudder:
for those wondering.. no i did not kiss him.
i held myself back because i knew the drug was severly effecting me.
drugs = bad

my advice:
stay away from drugs and start flirting with girls.

martinguerre · 07-22-2005, 07:51 AM

i guess i'm of two minds about this. i realized my attractions to men pretty suddenly. looking back, i could see things forming in my mind. but the first time i woke up from a dream and realized that i had been thinking about cock... I was pretty surprised. that's turned out to be a durable identification for me, and since then i've had experiences that affirm that. since i'm bi, i still experience significant attraction to women as well, but i don't really have a "priority" gender...just types of folks in each.

but...i don't know i would identify soley on thoughts experienced in an induced state.

think of yourself in multiple idenities...spend time thinking and fantasizing...see what feels right. and try not to worry. whatever the outcome, this is a chance to spend some time getting to know yourself better, what works for you sexually and what doesn't. i know this can be concerning, and there are reasons to talk yourself out of it. but i would listen to your mates as well. there's little use talking yourself out of the truth....so i would strongly reccomend finding out what that truth is.

best of luck...

Lebell · 07-22-2005, 08:57 AM

Many people, myself included, do not see hetero/homosexuality as a black and white choice, but rather as shades of grey.

I myself also love women and am generally not attracted to guys, but every once in a while, I see a guy that I think is pretty good looking and there is a twinge of sexual attraction.

Mushrooms not withstanding, it sounds like something similiar to what you've experienced. You're generally attracted to women, but the occasional man looks attractive.

I personally don't think you have anything to worry about, so long as you aren't trying to put some society preformed label on yourself and act according to what you think that label means.

*Nikki* · 07-22-2005, 09:43 AM

If I were you I would not use mushrooms as a basis for my homosexuality. If you are homosexual you will know it when you are not on drugs.

la petite moi · 07-22-2005, 11:20 AM

Why should love or sexuality be based on the sex of a person? Instead of worrying whether you are attracted to females or males, just relax...one day, you will find your match. That match shouldn't be based on gender, either.

tooth · 07-25-2005, 07:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by klep

... I dont find the thought of having sex with a man appealing at all...

Then, you are not gay. Case closed.

Axiom_e · 07-25-2005, 07:50 AM

Sexuality is fluid.

JustJess · 07-25-2005, 08:14 AM

I decided I must be bi back when I was 16. I found women attractive and men too. The way I confirmed it? I tried it. I was lucky - a lesbian friend of mine, who Very trustworthy and female and attractive, was attracted to me at the time as well, so she became my first experience with women. (She understood the position I was in, she being my first and all.) I didn't have a lot of doubt, I was pretty sure I was bi, but the experience I had certainly confirmed it for me. If kissing a man you acknowledge being attracted to doesn't do anything for you... I doubt you're gay.

07-22-2005, 07:51 AM	#3 (permalink)
martinguerre whosoever Location: New England	i guess i'm of two minds about this. i realized my attractions to men pretty suddenly. looking back, i could see things forming in my mind. but the first time i woke up from a dream and realized that i had been thinking about cock... I was pretty surprised. that's turned out to be a durable identification for me, and since then i've had experiences that affirm that. since i'm bi, i still experience significant attraction to women as well, but i don't really have a "priority" gender...just types of folks in each. but...i don't know i would identify soley on thoughts experienced in an induced state. think of yourself in multiple idenities...spend time thinking and fantasizing...see what feels right. and try not to worry. whatever the outcome, this is a chance to spend some time getting to know yourself better, what works for you sexually and what doesn't. i know this can be concerning, and there are reasons to talk yourself out of it. but i would listen to your mates as well. there's little use talking yourself out of the truth....so i would strongly reccomend finding out what that truth is. best of luck... __________________ For God so loved creation, that God sent God's only Son that whosoever believed should not perish, but have everlasting life. -John 3:16

07-22-2005, 08:57 AM	#4 (permalink)
Lebell Cracking the Whip Location: Sexymama's arms...	Many people, myself included, do not see hetero/homosexuality as a black and white choice, but rather as shades of grey. I myself also love women and am generally not attracted to guys, but every once in a while, I see a guy that I think is pretty good looking and there is a twinge of sexual attraction. Mushrooms not withstanding, it sounds like something similiar to what you've experienced. You're generally attracted to women, but the occasional man looks attractive. I personally don't think you have anything to worry about, so long as you aren't trying to put some society preformed label on yourself and act according to what you think that label means. __________________ "Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." – C. S. Lewis The ONLY sponsors we have are YOU! Please Donate!

07-25-2005, 07:50 AM	#8 (permalink)
Axiom_e Tilted Location: United States, East Coast, New Jersey	Sexuality is fluid. __________________ Life is meaningless. How awesome is that? Rock On! Now I can do whatever the hell I want and give my own life meaning to myself.

07-25-2005, 08:14 AM	#9 (permalink)
JustJess Unencapsulated Location: Kittyville	I decided I must be bi back when I was 16. I found women attractive and men too. The way I confirmed it? I tried it. I was lucky - a lesbian friend of mine, who Very trustworthy and female and attractive, was attracted to me at the time as well, so she became my first experience with women. (She understood the position I was in, she being my first and all.) I didn't have a lot of doubt, I was pretty sure I was bi, but the experience I had certainly confirmed it for me. If kissing a man you acknowledge being attracted to doesn't do anything for you... I doubt you're gay. __________________ My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

07-22-2005, 03:57 AM	#2 (permalink)
MiSo Psycho	there's nothing wrong with admitting another guy is attractive. i'm a 23 year old male and i dont have a problem admitting if a guy looks good. for the record, i am not gay. i feel secure about my sexuality and confident in my masculinity. it takes a big man to admit if another guy is good looking. i'm not afraid to say "i think i have one up in the looks department compared to xxx" or "yeah, he's better looking than me". but yeah, drugs will mess you up pretty bad. i remember the first time i did esctasy. there was a guy next to me and i felt like i wanted to kiss him. :shudder: for those wondering.. no i did not kiss him. i held myself back because i knew the drug was severly effecting me. drugs = bad my advice: stay away from drugs and start flirting with girls.

07-22-2005, 09:43 AM	#5 (permalink)
Nikki ~~~~~~~ Location: Charleston, SC	If I were you I would not use mushrooms as a basis for my homosexuality. If you are homosexual you will know it when you are not on drugs.

07-22-2005, 11:20 AM	#6 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	Why should love or sexuality be based on the sex of a person? Instead of worrying whether you are attracted to females or males, just relax...one day, you will find your match. That match shouldn't be based on gender, either.