Second wedding etiquette - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

portereight · 05-31-2005, 05:20 AM

My 35 year old sister is getting married for the second time this summer. Her first wedding was one of those over the top mega productions which I suspect left our parents in debt for some time afterwards. Now that she has decided to marry the man she has been living with the past two years, she thinks that she would like to do it in the same manner parental debt and all.
My wife says that etiquette would suggest that anyone who gave her a gift or helped financially with the first wedding shouldn't be asked to do so again. I think that may be a bit harsh, but I don't want our parents on the cusp of retirement to be drawn into the royal wedding part two.

When I talk to my parents about this they say that it's their little girl and she deserves the wedding of her dreams. Pointing out that she had the wedding of her dreams doesn't hold water with them.

When I talk to my sister she downplays the size and cost, and suggests that she's really doing it for us, her friends and family.

Short of offering my parents a little financial support on this, what can I do? If I offer to contribute isn't that going to encourage her thinking that this is all for us, and in no way an inconvenience to anyone?

Daniel_ · 05-31-2005, 05:29 AM

I'm planning on re-marrying this winter, and I am not expecting any money from anyone else.

Some of the same people are being invited that came to my first wedding, and i'll leave it up to them as to whether they buy us a gift.

My parents contributed already, so I'd feel cheap asking for money again.

Anyway - I want a MARRIAGE more than I want a WEDDING.

I'd marry her in a shed with my jeans on, if it allowed me to call her "wife" until I die.

portereight · 05-31-2005, 05:33 AM

Daniel you wouldn't consider marrying my sister would you?

Janey · 05-31-2005, 05:42 AM

I think she likes to be the centre of attention. My sister is doing the same. Not to the same degree, but still a production.

Here's how I would through my '2nd' wedding: My SO and I would 'elope' to someplace romantic (Quebec city or paris, whatever) for a 2 week vacation. While away we would get married. Upon return, we would have a party (BBQ, house party, choose any format) and announce our nuptuals at the party. that way, nobody is on the hook for purchasing a gift, and yet you have a celebration with your friends and family.

I think it is very bad form to have a second 'royal' wedding.

portereight · 05-31-2005, 05:58 AM

Janey, that is exactly how my wife and I got married. We were on vacation in Vermont. There was no waiting period for a license and no witnessed required. We got our license called a Justice of the peace and got married on a lake shore. We told our families about it at a BBQ after we returned to avoid them planning anything. Bliss.
I guess it's our preference for the low key that gets me wound up over my sisters expectations.

MsNobody · 05-31-2005, 07:26 AM

My first wedding was one of those over the top productions, at my mothers insistance, I wanted a much smaller wedding. My second wedding, was a much smaller affair, it being my new husbands first, is the only reason there was even an event. I would have been just as happy to go to the courthouse, but his parents wanted a little something, and that was fine. We paid for most of the wedding ourselves because we wanted to. My mother and sister made my dress, it was beautiful, we got married on a Mississippi paddel wheel boat out out on the ocean, so we were limited to 50 guests. The whole thing, boat rental, food, champaign, cost less than $1,000 and we received so many thank you cards from the guests, saying it was the best wedding they had ever been to.

lurkette · 05-31-2005, 07:31 AM

If your parents are happily ponying up the dough, I don't see that there's much you can do about it. I personally think it's kind of tacky and a little drama-whorish to throw a second all-out coronation, and really if you're an adult you ought to foot the bill if your parents have already paid for one lavish wedding. But if they're doing it happily, let your sister continue to be the Princess and just roll your eyes along with everyone else.

ShaniFaye · 05-31-2005, 07:47 AM

this is strictly my opinion...and it may be a little harsh...but oh well

She's 35....she's old enuff to pay for her own 2nd wedding. No way in hell should you parents be footing the bill for it. let me repeat NO WAY IN HELL.

Im remarrying this year and Dave and I are paying for the whole thing. His parents keep trying to help, since its Dave's first marriage...and when we've needed a big chunk of money at one time for a deposit we've accepted help....and then it was paid back (or is in the process of being paid back). My daughter is giving me away since my father gave me away the first time (and I dont recall anyone giving me back to him lol)

If you want to go strictly by ettiquette here are two things I found on an etiquette site for remarriages

Quote:

Bill Battles ~ For the second wedding, typically the bride and groom host their own affair. It is equally common for the parents of both the bride and the groom to offer some financial support. However, if the parents have already contributed lavishly to the first wedding, they may feel, and rightfully so, that they have already done their part.

Presence as Presents, Wedding Gift Giving Etiquette ~ As with any occasion, wedding gifts for a second marriage are never expected and never required. The guest of honor is always pleasantly surprised that his/her friends and family are generous enough to give a gift in addition to attending the affair. Since the second time bride and groom each are already coming from established homes, the typical wedding gifts are not appropriate for a second wedding. For second weddings, gift registries are even more important so that guests who wish to are able to purchase something the bride and groom truly desire. As with the first wedding, no note of the registry should ever be made. Those who are interested will ask.

http://www.gettingremarried.com/wedd...te_advice.html

I can understand some parents would naturally want to help out with expenses, note I said HELP OUT, not pay for the entire thing.

Meditrina · 05-31-2005, 08:18 AM

I agree with ShaniFaye. I do not think it is right to ask the parents to pay for a second wedding, helping out would be nice, but not the whole thing. I hope I am not overstepping my boundaries, but I think it is selfish to expect another "royal" wedding.

I got married twice (to the same man, long story). First was paid for by my parents and it was really nice, not too big, and not in a church. My 2nd was really really small and was in the church (more of a renewal of sorts) and we had chinese back at the house when it was done.

ShaniFaye · 05-31-2005, 08:46 AM

sportswidow....I agree its selfish to expect another royal wedding....I dont have a problem with people having one if they are paying for it themselves.

I never had a "wedding"...my first one took place at the courthouse.....Dave and I talked and decided that we should do it up the way I always wanted....I tell you there is no way I could have handled making all these kinds of plans when I was 21...its fun but exhausting....and paying for it ourselves keeps it from "going over the top"

spindles · 06-01-2005, 06:05 PM

My second wedding was my current wifes first. Her parents paid for some things, my parents insisted on paying for some things, my wife's brother bought her dress as a wedding gift and the rest came out of my pocket.

The break up of where the money came from is not too dissimilar to wedding one. Actually, I think I paid more for wedding one myself - go figure.

Why should my second wife not get to have the nice wedding because I have been around once already? I don't think either of us would've wanted something that bankrupted our parents, either.

Back to the question of who pays - this has to be an issue covered by all parties involved - I definitely don't agree that the brides parents should foot the bill, but if they are willing to contribute, who are we to say no?

Meditrina · 06-01-2005, 06:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spindles

Why should my second wife not get to have the nice wedding because I have been around once already?

You are right, your second wife should get a nice wedding. My thinking was that it was a second marriage for both people. I was not looking at all the possibilities.

Demeter · 06-02-2005, 02:38 AM

I dunno why people think it's their parents responsibility too pay for their weddings. When it was the tradition, hundreds of years ago, for the brides parents to foot the bill, most ceremonies were civil & small, not lavish productions. That was for the elite.

When I got married we expected to pay for it ourselves. My parents were unable to help out financially, and I was okay with that. I would have died of guilt if my parents would have had to get financing or dip into retirement funds to pay for a party for me.

portereight · 06-02-2005, 06:20 AM

an update... My sisters future husband has sorta caught on to my sisters expectations and has had a little talk with her. The compromise they have reached is that she will get the wedding of her dreams the sequel and if she doesn't accept any money from our parents, he will pay for it out of a to be determined budget. If she can come in under budget she can spend half of the remainder on anything she wants and he gets to reinvest the remainder.
This guy is smooth.
To clarify the situation it is the second for both parties, and They both have children 8 and 9 years old.

05-31-2005, 05:20 AM	#1 (permalink)
portereight Crazy	Second wedding etiquette My 35 year old sister is getting married for the second time this summer. Her first wedding was one of those over the top mega productions which I suspect left our parents in debt for some time afterwards. Now that she has decided to marry the man she has been living with the past two years, she thinks that she would like to do it in the same manner parental debt and all. My wife says that etiquette would suggest that anyone who gave her a gift or helped financially with the first wedding shouldn't be asked to do so again. I think that may be a bit harsh, but I don't want our parents on the cusp of retirement to be drawn into the royal wedding part two. When I talk to my parents about this they say that it's their little girl and she deserves the wedding of her dreams. Pointing out that she had the wedding of her dreams doesn't hold water with them. When I talk to my sister she downplays the size and cost, and suggests that she's really doing it for us, her friends and family. Short of offering my parents a little financial support on this, what can I do? If I offer to contribute isn't that going to encourage her thinking that this is all for us, and in no way an inconvenience to anyone?

05-31-2005, 05:29 AM	#2 (permalink)
Daniel_ Evil Priest: The Devil Made Me Do It! Location: Southern England	I'm planning on re-marrying this winter, and I am not expecting any money from anyone else. Some of the same people are being invited that came to my first wedding, and i'll leave it up to them as to whether they buy us a gift. My parents contributed already, so I'd feel cheap asking for money again. Anyway - I want a MARRIAGE more than I want a WEDDING. I'd marry her in a shed with my jeans on, if it allowed me to call her "wife" until I die. __________________ ╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗ Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air, And deep beneath the rolling waves, In labyrinths of Coral Caves, The Echo of a distant time Comes willowing across the sand; And everthing is Green and Submarine ╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

05-31-2005, 07:26 AM	#6 (permalink)
MsNobody Tilted Location: Southern California	My first wedding was one of those over the top productions, at my mothers insistance, I wanted a much smaller wedding. My second wedding, was a much smaller affair, it being my new husbands first, is the only reason there was even an event. I would have been just as happy to go to the courthouse, but his parents wanted a little something, and that was fine. We paid for most of the wedding ourselves because we wanted to. My mother and sister made my dress, it was beautiful, we got married on a Mississippi paddel wheel boat out out on the ocean, so we were limited to 50 guests. The whole thing, boat rental, food, champaign, cost less than $1,000 and we received so many thank you cards from the guests, saying it was the best wedding they had ever been to. Last edited by MsNobody; 05-31-2005 at 07:28 AM..

05-31-2005, 07:31 AM	#7 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	If your parents are happily ponying up the dough, I don't see that there's much you can do about it. I personally think it's kind of tacky and a little drama-whorish to throw a second all-out coronation, and really if you're an adult you ought to foot the bill if your parents have already paid for one lavish wedding. But if they're doing it happily, let your sister continue to be the Princess and just roll your eyes along with everyone else. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

05-31-2005, 08:18 AM	#9 (permalink)
Meditrina Junkie Location: LI,NY	I agree with ShaniFaye. I do not think it is right to ask the parents to pay for a second wedding, helping out would be nice, but not the whole thing. I hope I am not overstepping my boundaries, but I think it is selfish to expect another "royal" wedding. I got married twice (to the same man, long story). First was paid for by my parents and it was really nice, not too big, and not in a church. My 2nd was really really small and was in the church (more of a renewal of sorts) and we had chinese back at the house when it was done. __________________ "Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras

05-31-2005, 05:33 AM	#3 (permalink)
portereight Crazy	Daniel you wouldn't consider marrying my sister would you?

05-31-2005, 05:42 AM	#4 (permalink)
Janey Junkie Location: Toronto	I think she likes to be the centre of attention. My sister is doing the same. Not to the same degree, but still a production. Here's how I would through my '2nd' wedding: My SO and I would 'elope' to someplace romantic (Quebec city or paris, whatever) for a 2 week vacation. While away we would get married. Upon return, we would have a party (BBQ, house party, choose any format) and announce our nuptuals at the party. that way, nobody is on the hook for purchasing a gift, and yet you have a celebration with your friends and family. I think it is very bad form to have a second 'royal' wedding.

05-31-2005, 05:58 AM	#5 (permalink)
portereight Crazy	Janey, that is exactly how my wife and I got married. We were on vacation in Vermont. There was no waiting period for a license and no witnessed required. We got our license called a Justice of the peace and got married on a lake shore. We told our families about it at a BBQ after we returned to avoid them planning anything. Bliss. I guess it's our preference for the low key that gets me wound up over my sisters expectations.

05-31-2005, 08:46 AM	#10 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	sportswidow....I agree its selfish to expect another royal wedding....I dont have a problem with people having one if they are paying for it themselves. I never had a "wedding"...my first one took place at the courthouse.....Dave and I talked and decided that we should do it up the way I always wanted....I tell you there is no way I could have handled making all these kinds of plans when I was 21...its fun but exhausting....and paying for it ourselves keeps it from "going over the top" __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

06-01-2005, 06:05 PM	#11 (permalink)
spindles Mine is an evil laugh Location: Sydney, Australia	My second wedding was my current wifes first. Her parents paid for some things, my parents insisted on paying for some things, my wife's brother bought her dress as a wedding gift and the rest came out of my pocket. The break up of where the money came from is not too dissimilar to wedding one. Actually, I think I paid more for wedding one myself - go figure. Why should my second wife not get to have the nice wedding because I have been around once already? I don't think either of us would've wanted something that bankrupted our parents, either. Back to the question of who pays - this has to be an issue covered by all parties involved - I definitely don't agree that the brides parents should foot the bill, but if they are willing to contribute, who are we to say no? __________________ who hid my keyboard's PANIC button?

06-02-2005, 02:38 AM	#13 (permalink)
Demeter Psycho	I dunno why people think it's their parents responsibility too pay for their weddings. When it was the tradition, hundreds of years ago, for the brides parents to foot the bill, most ceremonies were civil & small, not lavish productions. That was for the elite. When I got married we expected to pay for it ourselves. My parents were unable to help out financially, and I was okay with that. I would have died of guilt if my parents would have had to get financing or dip into retirement funds to pay for a party for me. __________________ I am not bound to please thee with my answers. William Shakespeare

06-02-2005, 06:20 AM	#14 (permalink)
portereight Crazy	an update... My sisters future husband has sorta caught on to my sisters expectations and has had a little talk with her. The compromise they have reached is that she will get the wedding of her dreams the sequel and if she doesn't accept any money from our parents, he will pay for it out of a to be determined budget. If she can come in under budget she can spend half of the remainder on anything she wants and he gets to reinvest the remainder. This guy is smooth. To clarify the situation it is the second for both parties, and They both have children 8 and 9 years old.