woOt?

For as long as I can remember, I have been a poor judge of character. This is especially true when it comes to women. The issue of women and dating is where this concerns me. I see women, all women and wholesome, motherly, pure and incapable of doing harm. I can't help it. I never really see what's there. However, I have learned through time and experience that this isn't always true. I have been lied to, cheated on, taken advantage of, etc, but I still have learned my lesson. I still surround myself with the same "type" of people and I find myself recycling friends every couple of years.

This has affected many aspects of my social life. I always pick terrible friends and I never seem to date the right kind of women. I want to learn to see people for what they are and see past the bullshit. I can't seem to do that. This goes hand in hand with my "nice guy" personality. At least in my case.

I am a poor judge of characted. Anyone have any personal experience with this? Any books out there that can help? Please share.

maleficent

While I'm sure it gets you hurt quite a bit I'm not sure that there's really anything wrong with the way you see people.

I'm a cynic. I honestly don't see good in too many people, not without me knowing them really well. I have yet to meet anyone who wasn't completely out for themselves and present themselves to the world as something that they aren't. Fakes and phonies if you ask me... Maybe I'm missing out on some good people, maybe not.

Until I meet someone who is genuinely good, whos intentions are genuinely good, and that person does not exist (that's the cynic in me) I doubt my ability to trust in other people will ever change.

All I can say to you is, don't be as cynical as me.. but maybe just keep your eyes open to other people, and pay attention to them, and to your instincts about people, your instincts are rarely ever wrong. If something seems to good to be true, it is. Not saying to look for flaws in people, but maybe just take them at face value, and don't beleive everything you see.

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timalkin

The secret to dealing with this is to just see reality for what it is. All people are fucking conniving pieces of shit. I say all, but I really mean the vast majority. You need to start out with that assumption when meeting somebody new, and then determine what kind of person they are by looking at their actions over a period of time. If you assume that people are bad and self-obsessed turds, you'll never be disappointed. You may be pleasantly surprised one day, however. At least that's my take on your situation.

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Trinity: "What do you need?"

Neo: "Guns. Lots of guns."

-The Matrix

joemc91

I'm on the other side of timalkin and maleficent, but not quite as extreme as your views. Most people are good people and if you give them the benefit of the doubt and treat them right, they will treat you with respect. That being said, you've got to keep your eyes and ears open. Throughout my years at college I've taken to really listening to what people are saying about others. Although a lot of it is a bunch of bullshit, there is usually some grain of truth involved.

The people who don't make good friends are fairly easy to spot. There is no set description of how these people act, it's just something you've got to extrapolate from the actions they have taken in the past. This doesn't mean you should treat them like shit, even if you want to, just don't spend any more time around them than you must.

I don't really know what to recommend except just pay greater attention to what's going on around you. Mainly to what people do and say about each other because it is indicitive of how they will treat you.

Master_Shake

I don't know if books are going to help nearly as much as experience dealing with people. My experiences have also been less than positive on the whole.

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You know something, I don't think the sun even... exists... in this place. 'Cause I've been up for hours, and hours, and hours, and the night never ends here.

Elphaba

Pshaw, Maleficent and Timalkin. Joemc91 is closer to the truth of it.

WoOt, have you considered the possibility that you are attracted to this type of person, or that you are a magnet for them? You have to look within yourself, if there may be any truth to that question.

chickentribs

This is very good advice, woot. Joemc91 knows his stuff.

Try to follow where the laughs are coming from when you meet new people. What motivates the way they interact with others? Are they really listening or are they just waiting until they get to talk again? Are they talking about things that might interest the others or are they talking about the things that interest themselves? Example:

"My car broke down on my way to work today - what a nightmare!"
Person A:"Wow, what happened? How did you get to work?"
Person B:"I hate it when that kind of thing happens - it is such a pain!"

Both are friendly and empathetic, but one is more genuine and focused on the person talking. Sorry, I know it is basic and there are a million variables and you will never know for sure, but the answer is there in the subtleties of a person's behavior and what motivates them. In poker they call signs in a person's physical mannerisms that give away a good hand or a bad hand "tells", learn the tells that give a person away as genuine and loyal.

By the way - these are the "tells" I have learned to look for that have been decent signs for me. No refunds if they don't work for you...

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Oft expectation fails...
and most oft there Where most it promises
- Shakespeare, W.