Roommate Problems - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Eowyn_Vala · 03-04-2005, 10:43 AM

I'm not sure if this is the right forum area but if not, I guess someone will move it.

Last June my fiance (boyfriend at the time) and I moved into a two bedroom apartment with a friend of his from high school whom I also know and like. He said his cousin was moving to town, needed a place and he would share his room. We were short on cash since my fiance was between jobs and said sure. We'd met his cousin before and he was really nice. Well the friend from high school never moved in and a month or two later quit paying rent after talking to us about it. His name is still on the lease but we don't have a problem splitting the rent three ways with his cousin. Things went well for the first 5-6 months. His cousin was a decent roommate, I've already had bad roommates and so it was a nice change. We all smoke but we do it outside since we can't smoke inside. About 6 months into the lease he started smoking inside, leaving cigarette butts all over on plates and in cups. We talked to him about it and told him we didn't like it and didn't want him to. He stopped for a few weeks then started doing it again this time he was even smoking pot inside as well. Once again we confronted him, told him we didn't like it, to take it outside. He got upset and said he'd do it in his room then. We told him no, not at all. So he stopped and either went to a friends or was outside. And once again a few weeks ago he started smoking inside both pot and cigarettes but only when we aren't there. I'll come home from work and smell cigarette and there will be butts in a cup. He doesn't do it often but still he is doing it again. Now in the middle of all this our dryer broke, we told the landlord, he hasn't fixed it yet, but we haven't really bugged him since we are trying to solve the roommate thing without involving him. This last time I finally told my fiance I've had it and want to talk to the landlord, he thinks we should talk to our roommate and give him an ultimatum of stop or else next time we go to the landlord. I don't agree but decided fine. Since he is on a different work schedule than we are (he works nights we work days) we haven't really seen him at all as is normal. I wasn't wanting to be rude and wake him up when he was sleeping since it was only ciagrettes. My mistake obviously we've put up with it too long and he doesn't think we will do anything about it. Not that I blame him for thinking that. This morning I got up to take a shower and he and a friend came out of his bedroom reeking of pot. I was pissed. I feel like we've been clear enough and that he shouldn't need an ultimatum. My fiance has a job, and has for a while so we can afford all of the rent, but then money would be a bit tighter and we wouldn't be able to save for our wedding. We only have 3 months left on the lease, but it is driving me crazy. We were hoping to resolve it ourselves but that isn't working. Should I talk with the roommate and give him an ultimatum or should I just go to the landlord? I feel like I should go to the landlord and call the cops even though his cousin, our friend would probably get pissed. I've finally reached the point that I have had enough, don't want to be disrespected and am going to do something about it! The only question is what to do? Landlord? Cops? Both? And if I do go to the landlord how do I explain it and let him know we want the roommate out but he'll still get all of his rent?

Oh and I am at work right now. So I thought about calling the cops but he's probably sleeping and he wouldn't hear the door. So if I do call the cops what then?

Instead of posting a reply to Tres I'm just going to edit: that is the main reason we'd dealt with it so long. When the lease is up we aren't rooming with him again. WE aren't going to get any roommates. I hate confrontation too which has also let thing get as bad as they are. I am just afraid that the landlord will come to fix the dryer and then we will all get in trouble or that our downstairs neighbors will smell the pot and call the cops. Plus it just pisses me off, he has no respect for either me or my fiance. He doesn't throw his trash away and never cleans or does the dishes, I never said anything about the trash or cleaning since I can deal with that as long as he doesn't smoke inside, but that hasn't really helped the situation either.

tres · 03-04-2005, 11:04 AM

I've been in similar situations... as long as you are getting some kind of rent from him, I would say to just try and put up with it for 3 more months, and look for a new place with your fiance... There is not much your going to be able to do to change this guys life, and it's only another 3 months.. If you can find a way to get rid of him, maybe you can work something out with the landlord to pay the remainder of the rent that you can't afford to pay now, over time. good luck

TheFrogel · 03-04-2005, 01:21 PM

I say just give him the ultimatum, and see what happens. Yeah, the respect just seems to not be there for you guys, and that sucks. So give him the ultimatum and follow through with it one way or anohter; threaten to call the cops if necessary. Good luck with that; bad roommates are no fun.

Eowyn_Vala · 03-04-2005, 02:11 PM

I think it will have to be the ultimatum. It is only 87 more days and after doing some research I found the landlord should give him 30 days to move out which leaves us with only two months left. True it is only two months either way you look at it. Two months of hell or two months of just dealing with it after all we have put up with it for about 2-3 months now. I am hoping the ultimatum will work and if not then we will call the cops or talk to the landlord. It's getting so nice out I don't know why he can't go outside. When we asked him before to do it it was Dec-Jan and he did for a while. It was freezing then. *sigh*

tiltedbc · 03-04-2005, 06:06 PM

First off, don't call the cops and anything stupid like that. If you want trouble from this guy, that would be the gas on the fire. Would you like it if someone called the cops on you?

It sounds like this guy has had enough of you, otherwise he wouldn't be pissing you off. Leaving butts in cups screams "fuck you bitch!" to me. Chances are he's just killing time until something or someone better comes along or he's in a forced situation.

Go find a better place for just yourself and your boyfriend and leave the roommates out of it. Find someplace where you can smoke inside as well and don't EVER move in with someone you didn't pick. It's a classic slacker move.

Manuel Hong · 03-04-2005, 06:30 PM

You're really getting yourself cranked up, and by not talking to him about it recently, it's just fueling the fire. You're getting married in a few months? That's pretty stressful too.
You are dealing with someone who is passive-aggressive, I've had a roommate like that. You can't win. Tell him that with the wedding coming up, you need the privacy and extra space, want to be alone with your fiance, whatever sounds reasonable...or tell him the truth: that it's pissing you off and you have enough on your plate already, so please leave by the end of the month.
It's not worth getting so angry over something you can solve so easily. You deserve to be enjoying this happy time!!! Good luck.

PS: Don't get the cops involved, it's petty and will only add to the whole drama.

bad jane · 03-04-2005, 10:17 PM

have you talked with the cousin? since this guy isn't actually on the lease, what's the landlord have to do with anything? you may find yourselves in trouble for having an unauthorized tennant, so i'd be careful there.

i'd talk to the orignial friend who was going to move in. he's on the lease so it is his responsibility imo. basically, he subletted his room to his cousin, that makes it his problem to make sure he's living by the rules of the house. i know when i subletted my apt in college, if the subs trashed the place i was the one the landlord would hold responsible. if they didn't pay the rent, i still had to pay the landlord. and while many wouldn't classify smoking in the house as a big deal, if it is in your lease that you won't--the landlord could toss you out based on the cousin's actions.

Eowyn_Vala · 03-07-2005, 07:11 AM

ooookay, to clarify 1: the roommate is on the lease so is his cousin. 2: we obviously haven't called the cops yet even though had ample reason, probably won't. It was a thought, a consideration and it will probably be a threat since nothing else has worked to get him to stop. I've asked him nicely, and not so nicely to stop. 3: tiltedbc did you even read all of what the original post was? he never throws his trash away, any of it. the cigarette butts in cups is just more trash. he's thrown them away once or twice after I let them sit there for over a week and he realized I wasn't going to pick them up. and why would it be screaming fuck you bitch when I pay his bills when he can't cover them and let it slide for two months until he can pay me, or the fact I do all the cleaning and taking out the trash and such. If you ask me he has it pretty damn nice and to not respect either of his roommates, my fiance or me, just pisses me off. I'm not saying he can't smoke, just not inside. I certainly don't! I'm not dating him. Yes it's unfortunate that we don't get along but I at least try to respect him and his privacy. 4: I do have a lot on my plate and this is added stress. It'll be gone soon so I'm just going to try to live with it and deal maybe try talking to him again. No we shouldn't have let him room with us but we had met him before and things seemed like a good plan at the time. I was majorly stressing when I originally wrote this since he'd been smoking pot when I got up. And he only smokes inside when he knows we aren't there or are asleep and won't be up, he's trying to hide it. If he was going to say "fuck you bitch" he'd do it in the open. I really appreciate everyone else's advice though. I feel better and have calmed down quite a bit. I just wanted other's perspectives on this since I didn't want to overreact and irritate the situation more.

0energy0 · 03-07-2005, 11:04 AM

My roommate is awesome, however he drinks alot and is sometimes belligerent.

Cynthetiq · 03-07-2005, 11:06 AM

your goal of getting married is much more focused and should have the higher priority.

grin and bear it.....

or bite the bullet and suck it up and end it now and pay the extra and figure out where the extra $$$ can come from.

But in my opinion it's not wise to cut off your nose to spite your face.

Eowyn_Vala · 03-07-2005, 11:38 AM

this weekend I did a lot more focusing on my wedding and decided to make the best of the situation for now. It could be worse, like he could not pay rent or ever give me the bill money. And aside from the smoking and not cleaning he isn't such a bad roommate, he well okay so I can't think of anything else good, but I'm sure there's something else. I was just so angry on Friday and I wanted to see what others thought before I did something a little too drastic. I really do appreciate everyone's (almost everyone's) advice. Thanks!

Manuel Hong · 03-08-2005, 10:35 AM

I'm glad you've managed to get the ol' blood pressure down. I swear I once had the same roommate (is his name Andy?)
It'll all be over soon and I admire your decision to just grin and bear it for a little bit longer.

03-04-2005, 10:43 AM	#1 (permalink)
Eowyn_Vala Insane Location: There's no place like home..	Roommate Problems I'm not sure if this is the right forum area but if not, I guess someone will move it. Last June my fiance (boyfriend at the time) and I moved into a two bedroom apartment with a friend of his from high school whom I also know and like. He said his cousin was moving to town, needed a place and he would share his room. We were short on cash since my fiance was between jobs and said sure. We'd met his cousin before and he was really nice. Well the friend from high school never moved in and a month or two later quit paying rent after talking to us about it. His name is still on the lease but we don't have a problem splitting the rent three ways with his cousin. Things went well for the first 5-6 months. His cousin was a decent roommate, I've already had bad roommates and so it was a nice change. We all smoke but we do it outside since we can't smoke inside. About 6 months into the lease he started smoking inside, leaving cigarette butts all over on plates and in cups. We talked to him about it and told him we didn't like it and didn't want him to. He stopped for a few weeks then started doing it again this time he was even smoking pot inside as well. Once again we confronted him, told him we didn't like it, to take it outside. He got upset and said he'd do it in his room then. We told him no, not at all. So he stopped and either went to a friends or was outside. And once again a few weeks ago he started smoking inside both pot and cigarettes but only when we aren't there. I'll come home from work and smell cigarette and there will be butts in a cup. He doesn't do it often but still he is doing it again. Now in the middle of all this our dryer broke, we told the landlord, he hasn't fixed it yet, but we haven't really bugged him since we are trying to solve the roommate thing without involving him. This last time I finally told my fiance I've had it and want to talk to the landlord, he thinks we should talk to our roommate and give him an ultimatum of stop or else next time we go to the landlord. I don't agree but decided fine. Since he is on a different work schedule than we are (he works nights we work days) we haven't really seen him at all as is normal. I wasn't wanting to be rude and wake him up when he was sleeping since it was only ciagrettes. My mistake obviously we've put up with it too long and he doesn't think we will do anything about it. Not that I blame him for thinking that. This morning I got up to take a shower and he and a friend came out of his bedroom reeking of pot. I was pissed. I feel like we've been clear enough and that he shouldn't need an ultimatum. My fiance has a job, and has for a while so we can afford all of the rent, but then money would be a bit tighter and we wouldn't be able to save for our wedding. We only have 3 months left on the lease, but it is driving me crazy. We were hoping to resolve it ourselves but that isn't working. Should I talk with the roommate and give him an ultimatum or should I just go to the landlord? I feel like I should go to the landlord and call the cops even though his cousin, our friend would probably get pissed. I've finally reached the point that I have had enough, don't want to be disrespected and am going to do something about it! The only question is what to do? Landlord? Cops? Both? And if I do go to the landlord how do I explain it and let him know we want the roommate out but he'll still get all of his rent? Oh and I am at work right now. So I thought about calling the cops but he's probably sleeping and he wouldn't hear the door. So if I do call the cops what then? Instead of posting a reply to Tres I'm just going to edit: that is the main reason we'd dealt with it so long. When the lease is up we aren't rooming with him again. WE aren't going to get any roommates. I hate confrontation too which has also let thing get as bad as they are. I am just afraid that the landlord will come to fix the dryer and then we will all get in trouble or that our downstairs neighbors will smell the pot and call the cops. Plus it just pisses me off, he has no respect for either me or my fiance. He doesn't throw his trash away and never cleans or does the dishes, I never said anything about the trash or cleaning since I can deal with that as long as he doesn't smoke inside, but that hasn't really helped the situation either. __________________ Cain: I know what you're doing. I've lead troops into battle before. DG: And, how am I doing? Cain: Well, there's less hugging when I do it Last edited by Eowyn_Vala; 03-04-2005 at 11:15 AM..

03-04-2005, 02:11 PM	#4 (permalink)
Eowyn_Vala Insane Location: There's no place like home..	I think it will have to be the ultimatum. It is only 87 more days and after doing some research I found the landlord should give him 30 days to move out which leaves us with only two months left. True it is only two months either way you look at it. Two months of hell or two months of just dealing with it after all we have put up with it for about 2-3 months now. I am hoping the ultimatum will work and if not then we will call the cops or talk to the landlord. It's getting so nice out I don't know why he can't go outside. When we asked him before to do it it was Dec-Jan and he did for a while. It was freezing then. sigh __________________ Cain: I know what you're doing. I've lead troops into battle before. DG: And, how am I doing? Cain: Well, there's less hugging when I do it

03-04-2005, 06:30 PM	#6 (permalink)
Manuel Hong Addict Location: Land of the puny, wimpy states	You're really getting yourself cranked up, and by not talking to him about it recently, it's just fueling the fire. You're getting married in a few months? That's pretty stressful too. You are dealing with someone who is passive-aggressive, I've had a roommate like that. You can't win. Tell him that with the wedding coming up, you need the privacy and extra space, want to be alone with your fiance, whatever sounds reasonable...or tell him the truth: that it's pissing you off and you have enough on your plate already, so please leave by the end of the month. It's not worth getting so angry over something you can solve so easily. You deserve to be enjoying this happy time!!! Good luck. PS: Don't get the cops involved, it's petty and will only add to the whole drama. __________________ Believe nothing, even if I tell it to you, unless it meets with your own good common sense and experience. - Siddhartha Gautama (The Buddha)

03-07-2005, 07:11 AM	#8 (permalink)
Eowyn_Vala Insane Location: There's no place like home..	ooookay, to clarify 1: the roommate is on the lease so is his cousin. 2: we obviously haven't called the cops yet even though had ample reason, probably won't. It was a thought, a consideration and it will probably be a threat since nothing else has worked to get him to stop. I've asked him nicely, and not so nicely to stop. 3: tiltedbc did you even read all of what the original post was? he never throws his trash away, any of it. the cigarette butts in cups is just more trash. he's thrown them away once or twice after I let them sit there for over a week and he realized I wasn't going to pick them up. and why would it be screaming fuck you bitch when I pay his bills when he can't cover them and let it slide for two months until he can pay me, or the fact I do all the cleaning and taking out the trash and such. If you ask me he has it pretty damn nice and to not respect either of his roommates, my fiance or me, just pisses me off. I'm not saying he can't smoke, just not inside. I certainly don't! I'm not dating him. Yes it's unfortunate that we don't get along but I at least try to respect him and his privacy. 4: I do have a lot on my plate and this is added stress. It'll be gone soon so I'm just going to try to live with it and deal maybe try talking to him again. No we shouldn't have let him room with us but we had met him before and things seemed like a good plan at the time. I was majorly stressing when I originally wrote this since he'd been smoking pot when I got up. And he only smokes inside when he knows we aren't there or are asleep and won't be up, he's trying to hide it. If he was going to say "fuck you bitch" he'd do it in the open. I really appreciate everyone else's advice though. I feel better and have calmed down quite a bit. I just wanted other's perspectives on this since I didn't want to overreact and irritate the situation more. __________________ Cain: I know what you're doing. I've lead troops into battle before. DG: And, how am I doing? Cain: Well, there's less hugging when I do it

03-07-2005, 11:04 AM	#9 (permalink)
0energy0 Insane Location: Title Town, USA	My roommate is awesome, however he drinks alot and is sometimes belligerent. __________________ Is the juice worth the squeeze?

03-04-2005, 11:04 AM	#2 (permalink)
tres Insane Location: Long Island, NY	I've been in similar situations... as long as you are getting some kind of rent from him, I would say to just try and put up with it for 3 more months, and look for a new place with your fiance... There is not much your going to be able to do to change this guys life, and it's only another 3 months.. If you can find a way to get rid of him, maybe you can work something out with the landlord to pay the remainder of the rent that you can't afford to pay now, over time. good luck

03-04-2005, 01:21 PM	#3 (permalink)
TheFrogel Tilted Location: Pennsylvania	I say just give him the ultimatum, and see what happens. Yeah, the respect just seems to not be there for you guys, and that sucks. So give him the ultimatum and follow through with it one way or anohter; threaten to call the cops if necessary. Good luck with that; bad roommates are no fun.

03-04-2005, 06:06 PM	#5 (permalink)
tiltedbc Crazy Location: BC, Canada	First off, don't call the cops and anything stupid like that. If you want trouble from this guy, that would be the gas on the fire. Would you like it if someone called the cops on you? It sounds like this guy has had enough of you, otherwise he wouldn't be pissing you off. Leaving butts in cups screams "fuck you bitch!" to me. Chances are he's just killing time until something or someone better comes along or he's in a forced situation. Go find a better place for just yourself and your boyfriend and leave the roommates out of it. Find someplace where you can smoke inside as well and don't EVER move in with someone you didn't pick. It's a classic slacker move.

03-04-2005, 10:17 PM	#7 (permalink)
bad jane Insane	have you talked with the cousin? since this guy isn't actually on the lease, what's the landlord have to do with anything? you may find yourselves in trouble for having an unauthorized tennant, so i'd be careful there. i'd talk to the orignial friend who was going to move in. he's on the lease so it is his responsibility imo. basically, he subletted his room to his cousin, that makes it his problem to make sure he's living by the rules of the house. i know when i subletted my apt in college, if the subs trashed the place i was the one the landlord would hold responsible. if they didn't pay the rent, i still had to pay the landlord. and while many wouldn't classify smoking in the house as a big deal, if it is in your lease that you won't--the landlord could toss you out based on the cousin's actions.

03-07-2005, 11:06 AM	#10 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	your goal of getting married is much more focused and should have the higher priority. grin and bear it..... or bite the bullet and suck it up and end it now and pay the extra and figure out where the extra $$$ can come from. But in my opinion it's not wise to cut off your nose to spite your face. __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

03-07-2005, 11:38 AM	#11 (permalink)
Eowyn_Vala Insane Location: There's no place like home..	this weekend I did a lot more focusing on my wedding and decided to make the best of the situation for now. It could be worse, like he could not pay rent or ever give me the bill money. And aside from the smoking and not cleaning he isn't such a bad roommate, he well okay so I can't think of anything else good, but I'm sure there's something else. I was just so angry on Friday and I wanted to see what others thought before I did something a little too drastic. I really do appreciate everyone's (almost everyone's) advice. Thanks! __________________ Cain: I know what you're doing. I've lead troops into battle before. DG: And, how am I doing? Cain: Well, there's less hugging when I do it

03-08-2005, 10:35 AM	#12 (permalink)
Manuel Hong Addict Location: Land of the puny, wimpy states	I'm glad you've managed to get the ol' blood pressure down. I swear I once had the same roommate (is his name Andy?) It'll all be over soon and I admire your decision to just grin and bear it for a little bit longer. __________________ Believe nothing, even if I tell it to you, unless it meets with your own good common sense and experience. - Siddhartha Gautama (The Buddha)