Valentine's Day - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

whtnoise · 02-13-2005, 01:13 AM

hello people

this just happens to be my first post, so first - let me introduce myself: 22 years old, currently living/working in nyc in the film/commercial/music video blah blah blah industry doing whatever it is us people do... like most of you i'm sure, i live an almost extra-ordinary life...

wake-up in the morning, make coffee in my underwear, stand patiently smoking by the kitchen sink waiting to jump the gun as the pot fills past the 2 cup mark, cream and 3 spoons of sugar. my mailbox is filled with past-due notices from credit card companies, student loan lenders, and con-ed. only semi-enjoying my all too familiar starbucks breakfast blend, i check my inbox, which is empty - while the junk email box is filled to the brim with messages promising me 20$ rolex's, an ennormous penis, and horny teen sluts.

great.

cigarettes, and coffee - my greatest vice, seeing me without either is a rarity, and they constitute the greater part of my day's procrastination, during which my muses consist of how very small some of the dogs in the west village are, and how many nannies stroll children thru the meat packing district.

an odd post - yes, but without purpose, not quite... yet.

what... exactly is - valentine's day? i'm sure that its' roots lie somewhere other than its contemporary encarnation, but a holiday nonetheless, albeit one that doesn't exclude work, yes... valentine's day. take your significant other out to an extravegant dinner at a resturaunt with almost impossible to get reservations, send her a boquet of roses, chocolates, fancy mass-printed fringed-heart greeting cards filled with cliche canned anticdotes of unknown authors. like most others, a consumer-fuled holiday, "lets keep it in the black people, it's valentine's day"

and for the rest of us, either on the tales of a relationship, single for up or equal to 3 years, or absolutely clueless in regards to love and the rest of it, valentine's day serves as a mute reminder to social acceptablity and acknowledgment of the opposite sex.

i'm a proud member of group number one - nearly 3 years of... something... came to an end - quite abruptly - over christmas. thankfully, as of present, things have been hectic enough to occupy enough of my mind as to not focus on it, but valentine's day... what a bitch... (i suppose her as well...)

the things most striking now, the things that hurt to remember, are the tangibles - the things that you could see and recall without even thinking, her smile, the way she looked with her hood up in the snow, the way she wiped her nose on my gloves, how infectously sweet her kisses were...

nearly three years of believing that between me and her - things were different, that fate had lent its' grace to us, our meeting was no mistake, and this one - she was what i had been searching for, for so long...

her train was nearly 3 hours late, apparently some fuck-head decided to park on the tracks, and subsequently was struck by another train an hour ahead en-route to the same station. i was ecstatic in anticipation of finally being able to hold her again, have her there - well within the reach that had been absent for so long, hold her face in my hands... the most painful thing now, was realizing that the person i then held in my arms, and the arms i wrapped around her, were foreign beyond recognition, too far away from familar.

if it were a film, picture the editor cutting together frantic memories, juxtaposing panic with fear, all appropriatly accompanied by a mind-jarring british pop song - atleast, that's how i would cut it, if it were my film - which it is, ya... goddamnit.

knowing it was over before it ended, her trip was spent in awkward silences, and equally awkward approaches; "is there anything we should be talking about here, anything you want to say? anything - before you leave?

there really is something about central park, even in the grey of winter. on that day, standing above the bethesda fountain, holding her left hand, i noticed the absence of my ring, below us a photographer was posing a newlywed couple for pictures, the bride and groom beaming in contradiction of the emptiness i was now feeling. we continued, up the paths enshrouded in tendrily naked branches of cold and weathered trees, towards the east side of the park, where we sat - by this guy - playing an accordian, surrounded by children, running in circles around their strollers - a sight that in and itself was hard enough to bare, as we had shared this picture before - but now remained an agonizing memory...

there are so many things, in this world, to search for... so many things that complete us as people, and in moments like these, it's hard to place emphasis on finding love - and losing it - as being one of dire importance. in the end - she took more of me away than i had to begin with, and what's left behind feels vacant, those years written off to the complacency of indifference.

ironically, the hotel reservation ended one day in advance of her original trip, even before i knew she had to leave early due to an ill family member, which - i knew was bullshit, but the funny thing was it was the hotel clerk's fault that our stay was cut short. i woke at five a.m., her train left at eight, i was clinging to the hope that there was still some exchange between us that could resolve our transparent issues, and that in the three hours before she left me again, we could salvage what little love was left between us.

i still kissed her goodbye, staring eagerly afterwards as she hung her head out of view, waiting for her eyes to meet mine and in our silence say goodbye... one last time. i walked away, past the waiting area and towards the subway, turning around one last time, i looked, perhaps in hope that she'd be right behind me, waiting for me to wrap my arms around her, kiss her again, take her with me, and find renewed hope in whatever love had granted us so long ago.

she was not there, and i haven't spoken to her since. but she remains, in my dreams, always at the train station, leaving me for some unknown destination, in search of something else...

...that's my story, for valentine's day.

cheers.

TheWalkinDude · 02-13-2005, 02:14 AM

As heartbroken as I am at the moment, I don't think I could top that story. I swear you nearly had me in tears.

The only consolation I can offer is that there's other people as miserable and lonely as you this Valentine's Day. The love of my life left me five days ago, and I had to throw away the Valentine's gifts I bought her. I keep finding her hair around my room and I can't bring myself to get rid of it.

So I don't know how much comfort it'll be but I, and I dare say plenty of others, know exactly how you feel right now.

ironmaiden7o7 · 02-13-2005, 02:20 AM

Hey there, welcome to TFP. I must say that while reading your story, I was totally caught up. You seem like a very interesting individual, with a lot on his mind. You also write very well, I was taken away by your story. Very informative. I am sorry about your experience. But remember, these things make us better in a way and also stronger, depending on how we look at them. Letting out how you feel it a great way to deal with the situation, and I find that it's always good when others share their experiences with you. If you need to type away and vent, I am here, feel free to PM me. :-)

Kisses.

Kostya · 02-13-2005, 04:41 AM

Definitely the most inriguing person to hit this quiet unassuming corner of the TFP in quite a while. Welcome, I hope we hear a lot more from you!

thespian86 · 02-13-2005, 07:42 AM

^^indeed. I don't know what else to say, other than welcome. I can't wait to see more.

pinkie · 02-13-2005, 12:20 PM

So "Lost in Translation" sounding...

mulletJeb · 02-13-2005, 06:23 PM

yeah, quite cool.

whtnoise · 02-13-2005, 10:53 PM

Quote:

I keep finding her hair around my room and I can't bring myself to get rid of it.

man... you have no idea how close to home that is... when i read that i thought "holy shit, someone else with that problem?" but then again, i guess it is pretty common for women to have hair, that just happens to end up everywhere you look...

i kind've wondered what sort of reaction this was going to get... honestly, i've not done alot of this, putting it all out there for everyone to read - even in the anonymity of the 'boards, it's hard to know what exactly is just a little too personal. thanks... for the support

there always seems to be more to say, most of it left safely unsaid, and some of it too abridged to make sense...

...back home - my fondest memory, are the hills that sprawl out upon an almost empty nothingness of wilderness, untouched and unscathed, less the occasional checkerboard of pasture scattered with... buffalo. the series of sixty degree twists and turns up the side of one such set of hills, eventually led back down towards my parents house. from the uptmost section of the road, there was a pullout, just large enough for one vehicle.

from here, at night in the summer, i would lie on the hood of my car, beneath an almost humbling starlit sky, the ground, hundreds of feet below me, was washed in a peacful, blue luminescent glow, it was the stage, on some evenings, for the most incredible thunderstorms. miles in front of me, dense clouds would wrap the "almost" mountain tops in secrecy, sketching long swaths of lightning in all directions.

in the last four years it's hard to remember having lived in a place where the night sky felt so infinate, unpolluted by city lights and foggy hazes. as far as i was concerned, in that moment, from the top of that hill, everyone and eveything else ceased to exist. fear and pain could not find me here.

"yes. i mean, sure why not. wednesday, is that okay???" i was standing, in a cafe, two-thousand miles from home - so far away from my star-filled night skies. "then wednesday, i'll meet you here. after work. on wednesday." we exchanged equally retarded smiles and i walked back to my classmates, i think the first thing that came to mind was the fact that doing what i just did, was really fucking stupid. and after explaining it to my two class/roomates, the notion was unanimously corroborated: really fucking stupid.

she was... my height, dark long hair, and brown eyes. semi-pale olive-colored skin. almost every morning, i would walk into the cafe adjacent to school, and grab my coffee, without that brisk kick in the ass, i wouldn't make it thru half a day's classes, so in a sense, for that reason alone - she was already my saving grace. and - for whatever reason, on that day, i just happened to ask her out, and - she just happened to say yes.

those five minutes, and the approaching eternity, i would give anything to have back, to smile at her as with most strangers, take my coffee, cream and sugar, and walk away.

wednesday.

i found myself again at the cafe, this time deserted, except for the girl behind the counter, her hair tied up behind her head in a ponytail, racing to finish her checklist of closing tasks so she could leave work. i sat alone in the booth by the window, watching the people outside, waiting for her to finish.

there was a park, six or seven blocks south of my school, with a seawall that spanned more than half its diameter. walking along above the water, we made small-talk, "where are you from?", "oh... well what are you doing way out here?", "mmm-hmm, ya, wow, crazy..." in situation's like that it's really hard to discern what really is driving all those responses, as far as i can remember, my head was completely empty, i was - about as dumb as a rock.

we circled the northwest corner of the park, there was a clearing the sloped down to a small crude beach, inbetween the path and the water, there was a wooden bench with old-fashioned iron wought framing. we sat. silent for a moment. north along the water, snaked a long sequence of massive shipping dock arms, all brightly colored in organic reds and greens. directly to the south sat a susppension bridge, its' two looming arcs jutting out of the shallow seabed.

back then, the silences weren't so uncofortable, more than welcome, they were reassurance in the other persons' inabilty to say anything either, perfect opportunities for sympathetic awkwardness. quiet, everything was quiet. the traffic outside of the park, the people jogging by, the industrial echoes, the swift small waves in front of us... i heard nothing... i kissed her, with my eyes open, searching up and down the soft furrows now focused in the center of her forhead, the dimples in her cheeks... i closed my eyes.

many months later, we sat again, at a different cafe, holding hands across at a table outside. the weeks prior had preserved their events permanently in the back of our minds. two sets of dark eyes stared back thru each other in absence of what i know now... was not a mistake. had it all happened in a different place, at a different time, things undoubtedly would have been different, but time's promptness is a cruel thing. taking advantage of inopportunity, i sought refuge in our reunion, searching for the words to secure its' future.

across from my apartment was another park, in which thru dusk i waited for her. i fumbled with the object in the right pocket of my peacoat. she finally arrived, and i presented it to her, in anticipation of an answer that only left more questions. kneeling before her, she accepted, and i saw my sweeping night sky again, its' endless-calm offering the assurance i had been longing for...

in two weeks, she would leave again, for the first time... going back home, to sort things out. i was six months from graduation, bound to a place opposite the world in which she would be living. the night before she left, i sat awake, unable to sleep, already feeling the ineviable loss that would accompany sunrise. thru her muddled and almost in-audible beckoning back to bed, i laid down and engulfed her in my arms, wrapped my fingers thru hers, burried my face in the back of her neck, and fell asleep, safe. quiet. calm. in love.

TheWalkinDude · 02-14-2005, 02:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by whtnoise

i kind've wondered what sort of reaction this was going to get... honestly, i've not done alot of this, putting it all out there for everyone to read - even in the anonymity of the 'boards, it's hard to know what exactly is just a little too personal. thanks... for the support

Don't worry. The great thing about the tfproject, I've found, is you can just completely open up without having to be embarrassed. Everyone here is very supportive and won't judge you. And if they do, you'll probably never meet them in your life.

I know just how you must be feeling today, it being Valentine's Day. I hope it's some comfort that people here can empathise with you.

My now ex-love of life has left today for a holiday with her friends, and I think her complete absence has really brought it home that it's all over. The thing that worries me the most is that her ending it like this has made all our time together meaningless. I think that this girl has seen me naked and crying (Not at the same time, that's just wrong) and I'm almost ashamed. Is it just me that feels this or do you know what I mean?

Kostya · 02-14-2005, 04:09 AM

Whtnoise...

Man, I really hope I see this name coming up around the Literature forum.

Again, I am wowed out by this, humane and deeply personal, rare threads like these keep me coming back to this forum when all others failed.

whtnoise · 02-14-2005, 10:42 PM

Quote:

Don't worry. The great thing about the tfproject, I've found, is you can just completely open up without having to be embarrassed. Everyone here is very supportive and won't judge you. And if they do, you'll probably never meet them in your life.

I know just how you must be feeling today, it being Valentine's Day. I hope it's some comfort that people here can empathise with you.

My now ex-love of life has left today for a holiday with her friends, and I think her complete absence has really brought it home that it's all over. The thing that worries me the most is that her ending it like this has made all our time together meaningless. I think that this girl has seen me naked and crying (Not at the same time, that's just wrong) and I'm almost ashamed. Is it just me that feels this or do you know what I mean?

there are... nights, when it's impossible to sleep, and your days fall completely out from under you. in the glimpses of familiarity, panic, fear, loss. the dull ache in the pitt of your stomach. i feel ya dude, for sure.

fortunatly for me, it's been just long enough, become just comfortable enough, to deal with it. hopefully by now it's obvious that there's some shit that sticks with you, no matter what - there are some things, that time will never destroy, which is cool - because it makes us the people we are, and undoubtedly, stronger in our ability to handle these kind of situations - if and when they come up.

as unhealthy as it probably really is, there's only one thing that's saved my ass during my (multiple) breakups with my ex. ignore it. all those feelings, all that pain, just let it go - it's not important, not worth the time it wastes. you will - inevitably, meet some other person, who could possibly also be the love of your life - and that person - could - also be the greatest loss you'll ever encouter.

think of it this way - today, my boss went to the florist around the corner: $150 dollars for a dozen roses, probably not even the kind you'd hope to afford, "the bargain roses". and there are millions of sorry saps out there right now, dishing out cash on something that's just going to wither up and die. and - i'm not saying there's anything wrong with buying roses for someone you love - but it's a luxury that the single guys don't have to worry about it.

i'm not going to be a hipocrit though, it can always be rough. years later even... again there are some things that time will never be kind enough to remove from us. especially on days like today...

Kostya · 02-16-2005, 07:10 PM

My friend, your situation has afforded you one of the most unique, original perspectives on Valentines Day specifically, but love and relationships in general also that I've encountered in a while. Keep the good stuff coming!

02-13-2005, 01:13 AM	#1 (permalink)
whtnoise Upright	Valentine's Day hello people this just happens to be my first post, so first - let me introduce myself: 22 years old, currently living/working in nyc in the film/commercial/music video blah blah blah industry doing whatever it is us people do... like most of you i'm sure, i live an almost extra-ordinary life... wake-up in the morning, make coffee in my underwear, stand patiently smoking by the kitchen sink waiting to jump the gun as the pot fills past the 2 cup mark, cream and 3 spoons of sugar. my mailbox is filled with past-due notices from credit card companies, student loan lenders, and con-ed. only semi-enjoying my all too familiar starbucks breakfast blend, i check my inbox, which is empty - while the junk email box is filled to the brim with messages promising me 20$ rolex's, an ennormous penis, and horny teen sluts. great. cigarettes, and coffee - my greatest vice, seeing me without either is a rarity, and they constitute the greater part of my day's procrastination, during which my muses consist of how very small some of the dogs in the west village are, and how many nannies stroll children thru the meat packing district. an odd post - yes, but without purpose, not quite... yet. what... exactly is - valentine's day? i'm sure that its' roots lie somewhere other than its contemporary encarnation, but a holiday nonetheless, albeit one that doesn't exclude work, yes... valentine's day. take your significant other out to an extravegant dinner at a resturaunt with almost impossible to get reservations, send her a boquet of roses, chocolates, fancy mass-printed fringed-heart greeting cards filled with cliche canned anticdotes of unknown authors. like most others, a consumer-fuled holiday, "lets keep it in the black people, it's valentine's day" and for the rest of us, either on the tales of a relationship, single for up or equal to 3 years, or absolutely clueless in regards to love and the rest of it, valentine's day serves as a mute reminder to social acceptablity and acknowledgment of the opposite sex. i'm a proud member of group number one - nearly 3 years of... something... came to an end - quite abruptly - over christmas. thankfully, as of present, things have been hectic enough to occupy enough of my mind as to not focus on it, but valentine's day... what a bitch... (i suppose her as well...) the things most striking now, the things that hurt to remember, are the tangibles - the things that you could see and recall without even thinking, her smile, the way she looked with her hood up in the snow, the way she wiped her nose on my gloves, how infectously sweet her kisses were... nearly three years of believing that between me and her - things were different, that fate had lent its' grace to us, our meeting was no mistake, and this one - she was what i had been searching for, for so long... her train was nearly 3 hours late, apparently some fuck-head decided to park on the tracks, and subsequently was struck by another train an hour ahead en-route to the same station. i was ecstatic in anticipation of finally being able to hold her again, have her there - well within the reach that had been absent for so long, hold her face in my hands... the most painful thing now, was realizing that the person i then held in my arms, and the arms i wrapped around her, were foreign beyond recognition, too far away from familar. if it were a film, picture the editor cutting together frantic memories, juxtaposing panic with fear, all appropriatly accompanied by a mind-jarring british pop song - atleast, that's how i would cut it, if it were my film - which it is, ya... goddamnit. knowing it was over before it ended, her trip was spent in awkward silences, and equally awkward approaches; "is there anything we should be talking about here, anything you want to say? anything - before you leave? there really is something about central park, even in the grey of winter. on that day, standing above the bethesda fountain, holding her left hand, i noticed the absence of my ring, below us a photographer was posing a newlywed couple for pictures, the bride and groom beaming in contradiction of the emptiness i was now feeling. we continued, up the paths enshrouded in tendrily naked branches of cold and weathered trees, towards the east side of the park, where we sat - by this guy - playing an accordian, surrounded by children, running in circles around their strollers - a sight that in and itself was hard enough to bare, as we had shared this picture before - but now remained an agonizing memory... there are so many things, in this world, to search for... so many things that complete us as people, and in moments like these, it's hard to place emphasis on finding love - and losing it - as being one of dire importance. in the end - she took more of me away than i had to begin with, and what's left behind feels vacant, those years written off to the complacency of indifference. ironically, the hotel reservation ended one day in advance of her original trip, even before i knew she had to leave early due to an ill family member, which - i knew was bullshit, but the funny thing was it was the hotel clerk's fault that our stay was cut short. i woke at five a.m., her train left at eight, i was clinging to the hope that there was still some exchange between us that could resolve our transparent issues, and that in the three hours before she left me again, we could salvage what little love was left between us. i still kissed her goodbye, staring eagerly afterwards as she hung her head out of view, waiting for her eyes to meet mine and in our silence say goodbye... one last time. i walked away, past the waiting area and towards the subway, turning around one last time, i looked, perhaps in hope that she'd be right behind me, waiting for me to wrap my arms around her, kiss her again, take her with me, and find renewed hope in whatever love had granted us so long ago. she was not there, and i haven't spoken to her since. but she remains, in my dreams, always at the train station, leaving me for some unknown destination, in search of something else... ...that's my story, for valentine's day. cheers. Last edited by whtnoise; 02-13-2005 at 01:22 AM..

02-13-2005, 02:20 AM	#3 (permalink)
ironmaiden7o7 Insane Location: NYC	Hey there, welcome to TFP. I must say that while reading your story, I was totally caught up. You seem like a very interesting individual, with a lot on his mind. You also write very well, I was taken away by your story. Very informative. I am sorry about your experience. But remember, these things make us better in a way and also stronger, depending on how we look at them. Letting out how you feel it a great way to deal with the situation, and I find that it's always good when others share their experiences with you. If you need to type away and vent, I am here, feel free to PM me. :-) Kisses. Last edited by ironmaiden7o7; 02-13-2005 at 02:23 AM..

02-13-2005, 07:42 AM	#5 (permalink)
thespian86 change is hard. Location: the green room.	^^indeed. I don't know what else to say, other than welcome. I can't wait to see more. __________________ EX: Whats new? ME: I officially love coffee more then you now. EX: uh... ME: So, not much.

02-13-2005, 02:14 AM	#2 (permalink)
TheWalkinDude Crazy	As heartbroken as I am at the moment, I don't think I could top that story. I swear you nearly had me in tears. The only consolation I can offer is that there's other people as miserable and lonely as you this Valentine's Day. The love of my life left me five days ago, and I had to throw away the Valentine's gifts I bought her. I keep finding her hair around my room and I can't bring myself to get rid of it. So I don't know how much comfort it'll be but I, and I dare say plenty of others, know exactly how you feel right now.

02-13-2005, 04:41 AM	#4 (permalink)
Kostya Little known... Location: Brisbane, Australia	Definitely the most inriguing person to hit this quiet unassuming corner of the TFP in quite a while. Welcome, I hope we hear a lot more from you!

02-13-2005, 12:20 PM	#6 (permalink)
pinkie Helplessly hoping Location: Above the stars	So "Lost in Translation" sounding...

02-13-2005, 06:23 PM	#7 (permalink)
mulletJeb Insane	yeah, quite cool.

02-14-2005, 04:09 AM	#10 (permalink)
Kostya Little known... Location: Brisbane, Australia	Whtnoise... Man, I really hope I see this name coming up around the Literature forum. Again, I am wowed out by this, humane and deeply personal, rare threads like these keep me coming back to this forum when all others failed.

02-16-2005, 07:10 PM	#12 (permalink)
Kostya Little known... Location: Brisbane, Australia	My friend, your situation has afforded you one of the most unique, original perspectives on Valentines Day specifically, but love and relationships in general also that I've encountered in a while. Keep the good stuff coming!