whtnoise

man... you have no idea how close to home that is... when i read that i thought "holy shit, someone else with that problem?" but then again, i guess it is pretty common for women to have hair, that just happens to end up everywhere you look...

i kind've wondered what sort of reaction this was going to get... honestly, i've not done alot of this, putting it all out there for everyone to read - even in the anonymity of the 'boards, it's hard to know what exactly is just a little too personal. thanks... for the support

there always seems to be more to say, most of it left safely unsaid, and some of it too abridged to make sense...

...back home - my fondest memory, are the hills that sprawl out upon an almost empty nothingness of wilderness, untouched and unscathed, less the occasional checkerboard of pasture scattered with... buffalo. the series of sixty degree twists and turns up the side of one such set of hills, eventually led back down towards my parents house. from the uptmost section of the road, there was a pullout, just large enough for one vehicle.

from here, at night in the summer, i would lie on the hood of my car, beneath an almost humbling starlit sky, the ground, hundreds of feet below me, was washed in a peacful, blue luminescent glow, it was the stage, on some evenings, for the most incredible thunderstorms. miles in front of me, dense clouds would wrap the "almost" mountain tops in secrecy, sketching long swaths of lightning in all directions.

in the last four years it's hard to remember having lived in a place where the night sky felt so infinate, unpolluted by city lights and foggy hazes. as far as i was concerned, in that moment, from the top of that hill, everyone and eveything else ceased to exist. fear and pain could not find me here.

"yes. i mean, sure why not. wednesday, is that okay???" i was standing, in a cafe, two-thousand miles from home - so far away from my star-filled night skies. "then wednesday, i'll meet you here. after work. on wednesday." we exchanged equally retarded smiles and i walked back to my classmates, i think the first thing that came to mind was the fact that doing what i just did, was really fucking stupid. and after explaining it to my two class/roomates, the notion was unanimously corroborated: really fucking stupid.

she was... my height, dark long hair, and brown eyes. semi-pale olive-colored skin. almost every morning, i would walk into the cafe adjacent to school, and grab my coffee, without that brisk kick in the ass, i wouldn't make it thru half a day's classes, so in a sense, for that reason alone - she was already my saving grace. and - for whatever reason, on that day, i just happened to ask her out, and - she just happened to say yes.

those five minutes, and the approaching eternity, i would give anything to have back, to smile at her as with most strangers, take my coffee, cream and sugar, and walk away.

wednesday.

i found myself again at the cafe, this time deserted, except for the girl behind the counter, her hair tied up behind her head in a ponytail, racing to finish her checklist of closing tasks so she could leave work. i sat alone in the booth by the window, watching the people outside, waiting for her to finish.

there was a park, six or seven blocks south of my school, with a seawall that spanned more than half its diameter. walking along above the water, we made small-talk, "where are you from?", "oh... well what are you doing way out here?", "mmm-hmm, ya, wow, crazy..." in situation's like that it's really hard to discern what really is driving all those responses, as far as i can remember, my head was completely empty, i was - about as dumb as a rock.

we circled the northwest corner of the park, there was a clearing the sloped down to a small crude beach, inbetween the path and the water, there was a wooden bench with old-fashioned iron wought framing. we sat. silent for a moment. north along the water, snaked a long sequence of massive shipping dock arms, all brightly colored in organic reds and greens. directly to the south sat a susppension bridge, its' two looming arcs jutting out of the shallow seabed.

back then, the silences weren't so uncofortable, more than welcome, they were reassurance in the other persons' inabilty to say anything either, perfect opportunities for sympathetic awkwardness. quiet, everything was quiet. the traffic outside of the park, the people jogging by, the industrial echoes, the swift small waves in front of us... i heard nothing... i kissed her, with my eyes open, searching up and down the soft furrows now focused in the center of her forhead, the dimples in her cheeks... i closed my eyes.

many months later, we sat again, at a different cafe, holding hands across at a table outside. the weeks prior had preserved their events permanently in the back of our minds. two sets of dark eyes stared back thru each other in absence of what i know now... was not a mistake. had it all happened in a different place, at a different time, things undoubtedly would have been different, but time's promptness is a cruel thing. taking advantage of inopportunity, i sought refuge in our reunion, searching for the words to secure its' future.

across from my apartment was another park, in which thru dusk i waited for her. i fumbled with the object in the right pocket of my peacoat. she finally arrived, and i presented it to her, in anticipation of an answer that only left more questions. kneeling before her, she accepted, and i saw my sweeping night sky again, its' endless-calm offering the assurance i had been longing for...

in two weeks, she would leave again, for the first time... going back home, to sort things out. i was six months from graduation, bound to a place opposite the world in which she would be living. the night before she left, i sat awake, unable to sleep, already feeling the ineviable loss that would accompany sunrise. thru her muddled and almost in-audible beckoning back to bed, i laid down and engulfed her in my arms, wrapped my fingers thru hers, burried my face in the back of her neck, and fell asleep, safe. quiet. calm. in love.