angeltek

allright, I did a search to see if this was coivered in another thread but I didn't find one, so here it is...

About 3 months and a few days ago, I became a father. My Wife and I have a wonderful son, he's healthy, and beutiful, and almost always happy and smiling, and just growing up so fast.

My wife on the other hand is grumpy, cranky, lost all her sex drive, and depressed almost all the time now. I know it's probably Post Pardom depression, but she has become quite introverted and really doesn't want to talk about it. I am finding things really hard. I just want her to be happy, but I can't seem to do anything to help make things better, or at least nothing that she has told me that has helped.

I know I can't magically make things go away, but I do want oto be able to make things a little better for her.

any suggestions?

Redlemon

No direct advice, sorry, but the word itself is 'postpartum' (it's a pain when words are in foreign languages and you only hear them outloud). There's a bit of advice here: Tilted Forum Project - Post-natal Depression.

Hope someone else can give you more advice.

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raeanna74

You're wife should be going to regular well baby visits. She may also have a Dr visit for herself sometime around this time. I had a c-section so I had more visits after delivery but I think there's usually one around 6 mo or maybe even earlier. I'd first of all go with her to her next visit and bring it up at the Dr's.

Here's from my experience and it may or may not parallel hers: I wasn't interested in sex for a while after delivery because I was uncomfortable. I think my rejections of hubby sexually hurt him and he withdrew. I gained 60 lbs during gestation and consequently felt a blow to my body image. When hubby withdrew I attributed it to my sex appeal and not to hurt that he'd felt. I was wrapped up in caring for my child and felt "touched out" at the end of the day. When I finally started to get out away from my child things got better. The first time I left my baby with a sitter (mom-in-law in fact) I was nervous and couldn't stop thinking about my baby the whole time. I heard a child cry in the restaurant where we went and I responded by whipping around as if it was my child. Getting away and learning to separate from this helpless entity that I felt totally responsible gave me a chance to start focusing on myself, my body, and my husband. I began to get a little more interest in sex. I didn't want to talk about how "cranky" I was or anything like that because when hubby brought it up I felt like he wasn't being sympatetic to how I felt and was accusing me of being angry for no reason (even though I couldn't always think of a reason). I don't think I had postpartum depression because I ws generally happy but I was always responding to hubby in an antagonistic sort of way because of perceived hurts. He never intended to hurt me and I never intended to hurt him.

It's possible that your wife could have depression but it's also possible that she's just having a hard time adjusting to things. Things that could be affecting her mood are many.
1. Sleep: many new parents take at least 6 month's to where they're starting to get all the sleep they need at night.
2. Overwhelmed: a baby takes a lot of work and maintaining a household as well and in some cases even working outside the home can seem like impossible tasks and cause a lot of frustration.
3. Lowered self esteem: a body that's gone through the changes of pregnancy or child bearing is hard to get used to and hard to get back into shape. It took me about 1 1/2 years to completely get back to my prepregnancy weight.
4. Lack of Sex Drive: this can be affected by many of those above and by the changes in hormones in a female body after childbirth. This hormones are continueously affected if the mother breastfeeds.
5. Touched Out: When a mother is caring for a baby all day she is giving "loving touches" and trying to comfort by touch a lot. If she breastfeeds she has the baby very close to her a lot of the day. Even if she's bottle feeding she's HOLDING the baby. This touch almost overloaded my desire for any touch and it's common for mother's to be tired of being touched.

Ways that you can help her.
1. Give her time off. Promise to take the baby and encourage her to go do something at home or outside the home that she enjoys. If she wants to stay home and sleep then take the baby on a walk or something. Give her a few minutes every day and she'll eventually learn to focus on her self once again. When she does that she may start having "time" for you and your relationship with her.
2. DON"T push her for sex but let her know that you still think she's attractive. Give her a small backrub without any strings attached. Bring her tea without asking for a kiss. When you start doing things like this it shows her that you are interested in HER - not just SEX.
3. Do what you can to help her get the sleep she needs at night.
4. Go for walks, go out on a date (with no mention of sex that night - let her initiate it) and just go to sleep curled up together.

It will take time - you can't FIX her. She's gone through an experience that many women find defining. After my daughter was born I tended to think of myself in terms of how ABLE I was to give birth to a child. The fact that I'd had to have an emergency C-section made me feel a little inadequate even. It takes a long time to work through the thoughts an emotions that a new baby can cause.

Kudos to you for caring enough to try to help her. Just let her know you love her and let HER decide when to talk to you about it.

I hope this all helps and makes sense.

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"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

tecoyah

My recommendation:

Prenatal Vitamins (two a day)
Take over as much of the chores as you can
Foot Rubs....and extra schmoozing

Time

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

f6twister

Added to the above:

Understanding
A friend who will listen

And please, don't be afraid to get outside help if think she may hurt herself any family member. I hate to say it but there have been too many news stories in the past few years to ignore the possibility.

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A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day. Calvin

flamingpeach

Vitamins are really important. PPD can be caused by a deficiency in B vitamins. Also, its important to make sure she is getting Omega 3 fatty acids which contain DHA (you can get these in salmon, trout etc). Pregnant and nursing moms lose alot of both of these, leaving them pretty blah and contributing to depression.
Sleep is a MUST, as well as communication and proper nutrition. She's got a big job

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angeltek

You have all given me some really good advice.

She is taking Iron pills and Materna, however as far as her vitamin needs from meat go, it's not really possible. She Literally Can not breakdown the protiens found in meat and as a result her body treats these as a foriegn substance, sending her into a horrible vioent sickness. So she really does not get the amount of Vitamin B and protien she really needs. I am sure that it could be having an effect on her, but I think she already feels uncomftorable taking any more pills or vitamin suplemnts then she is already. Should I push her to do that anyways?

raeanna74

You should also check into making sure she gets enough Iron. I tend to run anemic and if she's not eating meat then it's very possible she could be anemic. I know when my hemoglobin is low because of how it makes me feel. I feel so tired that I feel like I have to drag my body to do anything, I'm depressed, out of breath, and at times almost dizzy when it's at it's worst. B vitamin suppliments and Iron suppliments are a definately help. I actually was given a prescription for ferrous gluconate (Iron) 600 mg tablets to be taken twice daily. Now it is possible to overdose with Iron. So be careful. Does her Dr know that she doesn't eat meat? Most vitamin suppliments are geared for the average person who eats a regular well rounded diet including meat. Those suppliments will not be sufficient for your wife. See that her Dr is aware of things, checks her Iron levels, and supervises her suppliment regimine.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

angeltek

Her Doctor is aware, and she did have a prescription for Iron, but not for vitamin B.

She is making an appointment with her doctor to get another hemogloben test though. So maybe that might help.

ngdawg

There are 3 levels of depression that follow birth. Post-partem blues, which is the most mild and is shown by bouts of sadness or lethargy. Post-partem depression, which I had, is the second and in addition to the other symptoms, one can also feel overwhelming depression and harbor thoughts of either harming the baby or that others might. Post-partem psychosis is the most serious. Bouts of delusions can occur and the mother could harm herself or others if not treated.
http://www.4woman.gov/faq/postpartum.htm
Your wife needs to be open with her doctor about her feelings and her daily routine so that she can be properly assessed and helped. Good luck.

angeltek

I didn't things were as bad as they actually were. Yesterday was pretty scary as she was talking about finding someone to look after myself and our son, and that things would be better if she left, and that she would still be with us, just in a better way.

Needles to say, I am really concerned, although she does seem to have leveled off since yesterday, I am afraid it may happen again. I keep asking her to make an appointment with a doctor, but she doesn't seem to be doing it.

Any suggestions?

Redlemon

Take her to her doctor, now. Do not wait for her to make the appointment. Make the appointment yourself, and physically take her there.

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discotequi

wow... just reading through this thread and wondering if there's been an update.

my wife is almost mid-way through her first pregnancy so it's a little crazy to think about preparing for a baby and preparing for some serious emotional issues on top of that... hope things are getting better Angeltek

angeltek

Basically what's going on is that she is diagnosed with Post Partom anxiety and depression. So things are going allright compared to what they were like. She is definatley coping alot better, but her Doctor, Psychologist and Psychiatrist want her to go on some antidepressants. She is against it as she is breastfeeding and does not want to goto formula. So Basically until she is done breastfeeding I don't think she will be taking those pills. Like I said before though, she does seem to be coping better.

:::OshnSoul:::

I went through it terribly. I was very emotional, VERY. I couldn't help but cry and all my son wanted to do was eat all of the time. I never got any rest. And, no offense to Moon, but he wasn't helpful much at that point and time, which made it tougher.
I say do, say, help however you can. Treat her like a princess- afterall, she just had your child. That is a lot of work and changing to go through.

miowen

Hi angeltek, sorry to hear that your wife has been through this. As depression is one of those disorders which will keep on increasing it's toll on her and with time it will only get bad. So just ask her to consult a specialist and the best way to get over depression is to keep busy with things you like doing. So just motivate her keep her happy. Best luck.

abigaillewis11

Postpartum depression can actually happen anytime within the first year after a woman's childbirth. Many women don't tell anyone about their feelings or symptoms because they feel ashamed or embarrassed. Some even feel guilty because they're supposed to be happy. They worry what other people think.

At first it may be difficult for you to provide the support she needs. You may feel that your wife has, in a sense, gone away. You may feel confused, angry, worried, or frustrated.

But women experiencing postpartum depression need all the support around them they can get. Doctors, friends, family, and other mothers are all tremendous resources. Husbands, however, play a vital role in a woman's rehabilitation. Sometimes, it's hard to explain what the depression feels like and how it's affecting them.

The support your wife can get from you will significantly affect the quality of her recovery, so it's essential that you understand this illness and its impact on both of you as a couple.

Zeraph

I've been super depressed nearly my whole life (genetics). Drink, drugs, and keep busy. Meditate/become spiritual if you can. Take medications that docs give you like SSRIs. That's about it.