raeanna74

My mother seems to be getting worse. It could simply be her way of manipulating because there are times that it SEEMS like I've caught her "faking" her forgetfulness. Then again her best friend and I have spoken about it and so has my brother and his wife. They've all noticed it.

My mother is forgetful. Moreso than anyone should be. She forgets that she's promised to do things with us or for us. She forgets that we've promised to do things for her and then calls up, in an accusitory tone, and asks us if we're going to do anything to help the family. She fails to remember when we've told her about things going on in our lives and then accuses us of withholding information because we are doing sinful things or because we don't want her to be a part of her life. She forgot that I'd promised to give her a mother's day present as soon as I could see her. I'd planned to give it to her on this past mother's day but she'd make plans to be alone with Dad. No problem. I told her I'd give it to her Mon. I had called her in the morning and told her I was coming over (knowing she was forgetful) but when I got there she was gone. She'd completely forgotten that I was coming and she'd left for the grocery store. I went home and when she finally came by my place because I had kids to babysit at that point she forgot why she'd come by. She sat down on the sofa and asked me what I wanted her for.

It seems like it's getting worse. I'm not sure if she gets accusitory to try to cover up the feeling that she is forgetting things and it's upsetting to her. It feels like she's trying to make everyone else feel guilty so they'll do more for her. She does use guilt to manipulate. Always has. Now it's hard to discern between what's a real guilt trip or maybe a coverup.

In the past 2 months she's mentioned to me 3 times about what I'm going to do with her when she's unable to function. I know she's concerned about it. I haven't committed to more than this. I EXPECT to be responsible for helping her out. Putting her in a nursing home is the last thing I want to do. We are buying a house even closer to hers so if I need to see her daily to help Dad take care of her it will be possible. I can't really say more. I don't know what each situation will bring and what I can handle and do.

If she IS actually experiencing some senility or early alzheimers (no family history of it though) should I be encouraging her to see a Dr about it? Should I go to the Dr with her? How in the world could I approach her about it??!

If she ISN'T experiencing a legit problem and is being purely manipulative then how do I know? Speaking to her about her forgetting things or reminding her of things seems to always turn into accusations of me for not ever being completely open with her about things. There could be more than one reason for that kind of response. I'm frustrated. It's irritating hubby since he knows her past manipulative behavior as well and can't help but see this as the same. My sister-in-law is mostly avoiding her because of how my mother's accusations of her and my brother have offended her.

Any suggestions or simply commiserating would be helpful.

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"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

The Phenomenon

Get her to a doctor ASAP.

Is she on any medication. My grandfather had this problem from some medication he had to take for his heart, and when they switched him to something else it cleared up completely.

What does your dad say about this?

Get her to doctor, then you can know for sure.

raeanna74

She is not on any medication whatsoever.

HOW do I approach her about going to the Dr's for this? Anytime I address the subject in as gentle or subtle a method as possible she gets confrontational.

My Dad is the type who would not EVER confront her about this. He would avoid the situation as long as possible. So I know I can't ask him to get her to a Dr. He has mentioned the problem to me though. It may not be as noticable to him because he's been there the whole time and I'm sure it's been somewhat gradual. He's also not the type to recognize something like this unless it's extreme.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

maleficent

is one of the warning signs of alzheimers, from all I've read on the subject, however I recall your mom being quite young, I thought alzheimers struck later in years.

Alzheimers patients will often remember stuff from 20 years ago, but can't remember if they turned off the gas on the stove. If she's faking, some subtle testing could see what she remembers, get her to talk about her childhood, or other relatives. (My grandmother swore that I was my mother's cousin, I was 11 at the time, my mother's cousin was 68 - she just lept back in time)

While there's no cure for Alzheimer's, I beleive that there are medications to help slow down the process so getting her to go to the doctor sooner rather than later would be advisable.

I would encourage you, or a family member, to go to the doctor with her, if she is getting alzheimers, someone else should be there to hear what the doctor says, and to ask questions.

That comment, I think is kinda typical of a parent who's aging. Being the caregiver to your parents is a tough gig...

What about getting together with your brother and telling her flat out, you are seeing a problem wiht her health, and behavior, and that you think she should go to the doctor. She'll probably get mad, but explain that if you didn't love her and weren't concerned about her, then you wouldn't be going thru this.

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raeanna74

She is 57. The thought had crossed my mind about alzheimers. A close family friend is going through it right now and is up to stage 6. The Dr's only gave him 6 months. My grandmother (mom's mom) had trouble with senility as a result of health problems that reduced the oxygen that she was able to get. My suspicion is this. She does have a number of health problems related to weight primarily and hypoglycemia (not treated besides with diet) She could be having trouble with senility. I have wondered about the alzheimers partly because Uncle David's condition is formost in our minds. I think that they fact that his condition is foremost is part of the reason for her defensiveness. I think she notices the memory lapses and is afraid that it could be alzheimers. I think her fear is what makes her defensive.

This is a good idea I think. The only reason I've hesitated with this is that my brother does not handle my mother's attacks well at all. He has a violent temper and the entire situation could become extremely explosive because he would take her attacks personally. I have thought about getting her pastor involved but I don't feel comfortable with him. I may have to sit down and talk to him about it and see what he says. The only problem with him is that he is not discrete. A VERY bad situation for someone who is a minister.

Thanks for your comments.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

The Phenomenon

You're going to have to come up with some form of plan. Talk to your dad and try to get his support. Maybe he can be a mediator between your mother and your brother, should things start to get out of hand?

The three of you nee to get together, and stand together, and get her to a doctor no matter what. Explain the situation to your brother, tell him that this is a symptom of Altzheimers, and that the attacks are to be expected. I am sure that his concern for her when realises that Altzheimers is a possible factor here, will help him to keep his temper in check.

Carry her to the doctor, even if she is kicking and screaming.

raeanna74

Thanks for all the suggestions. Sometimes I feel like I'm just imagining it because I feel bad about the accusations she throws my way. Sometimes I feel like I'm overreating to be concerned about it. I think I will at least talk to some of the close family who can help me intervene before it gets out of hand or before the condition can worsen if it is something that can be helped. I HOPE.

lol I doubt I can carry all 290lbs of her to the Dr.

P.S. I just thought - she has extremely high blood pressure. Could blood pressure have something to do with affecting memory?? I know it might be a long shot. The last time she was in the Dr's office her Bp was something like 150/100. She refuses to take any blood pressure medication. If I can find information suggesting that the two things might be related I could possibly show it to her and convince her to take some medication for it. She's been struggling with it and her weight for over 3 years. I think those two are interconnected as well.

Any possibility that the Bp could be affecting her memory??

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

The Phenomenon

BP does not affect memory to the best of my knowledge, but I am to a medical expert as a gutter water is to fine wine :P

That is something you can ask the doctor.

And as far as getting her 290lbs there, get a wheelbarrow and you and your brother can roll her over there :P

raeanna74

Would it help me at all to call her Dr and talk to her personally about this BEFORE I would even approach my mom? I know they don't always want to talk to someone else about a patient of there's. Am I a close enough relation? I know if I were her caregiver I would be but I'm not yet.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

The Phenomenon

Call the doctor and tell her/him of your concern. That WILL help, I am sure.

And since you are her daughter the doctor probably won't be problematic with you.

Chat with the doctor and have the doctor advise you on how to handle this. Also ask the doctor all these question that are rummaging around your head