Controlling Anxiety - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

trache · 07-15-2004, 07:24 AM

This is the first pos (of hopefully many) to TFP. Be gentle. If this is the wrong board, I do apologize.

In short, my girlfriend is suffering from a great deal of anxiety brought on by just about everything she could imagine.

Her mother is over-bearing to the point of ridiculousness (oh I could tell stories) and her father tries to make her self-sufficient (which has worked wonderfully in that respect).

She feels as though she has to take care of everything in her life at one moment and actually does have very little time to herself when she is at home, but when she is in school (attending teacher's college in the fall) she seems to have everything under control. Her mind is a whirlwind of important dates, appointments and things to do all at once. A problem with being able to focus or concentrate on what is important at the moment perhaps?

Being a man, I naturally feel the need to help her and listen to her problems and try and give her constructive advice about her situation. Being a man, I feel as though I am not able to help her (Men are from Mars of course).

I do fear that I will stop seeing her if the problem aggravates itself over a long period of time in the future (we have been dating 5 years next week and I see no signs of it letting up). Don't get me wrong -- I support her in every way. She is quite the catch and I have no intention of leaving her. I know these two statements are contradictory, but I hope you understand. A feeling of this situation ripping us apart overcomes me sometimes.

I fear that she will go on drugs and that her behaviour will change so drastically that she might be a different person.

Am I being selfish? Most likely. I am trying to be a little selfish just because I don't want to see our relationship end in shambles. I have very strong feelings for her and only want to help her.

Her mood has been like a roller coaster; very amorous one moment and cold the next.

She is on birth control currently, which can complicate the situation, and she is also trying to excercise more (she has actually changed her diet and since September has lost a lot of weight).

I guess what I'm trying to ask: Does anyone have any excercises, good books or good websites about controlling anxiety, stress or panic attacks without resorting to drugs?

Thanks for reading. I hope to keep contributing to this BBS.

maleficent · 07-15-2004, 08:11 AM

Oh, gawd, where to start...

You seem to contradict yourself a lot.

You love her, you support her, she's pretty type A, but if she doesn't stop being type A, you might leave her. If she takes a medication to help her out with some of the anxiety she suffers from, you might leave her beacuse it might change her personality. If she loses the anxiety -- her personality DOES change. If you have had these conversations with her, you are adding to her anxiety.

I am about as Type A as a person can get, I'm also attempting to try meditation to help out with stress. It might be something to consider.

However, if you love her as you say you do, you really want her to do what's best for her, if that includes medication (and last I checked, only a doctor can prescribe anti-anxiety meds-- most good doctors won't even do that without talking to the patient first) then the medication is what's best for her.

Meditation would be my first suggestion
Yoga is a good relaxer, if you can.

If she's really high stress, with no relief, talking to a professional would be in her best interest to help her get a handle on anxiety.

Cynthetiq · 07-15-2004, 08:41 AM

you love someone as they are, not as what you envision they will be come or fear of what they may become.

that said, be patient.

remind her that she's got to make efforts to make changes *IF* they are real things she can affect. If not, then she needs to tell you when she's venting and complaining so that you just support and be there for her as a LISTENER and NOT a FIXER.

It's not an easy task but you have to be patient with yourself.

lurkette · 07-15-2004, 01:40 PM

Cynthetiq is wise. Most women don't want you to fix the problem, they just want you to listen while they vent. Treat her like she's capable of taking care of herself, and be supportive if she requests help but don't try to fix everything for her. Do your best to not try to be responsible for how her life goes. She is how she is.

That said, you can say to her that you're worried that her level of stress is not healthy for her. Maleficent is on the right track with the meditation - that, and check out something called "progressive relaxation" exercises. There's also a good book called "Worry" by Edward Hallowell that has some good tips on managing anxiety.

Good luck!

pinkie · 07-15-2004, 02:31 PM

Is she in therapy? I can't take hormones (birth control) because I have pretty bad PMS, and they make me moodier, and more unpredictably responsive. Anxiety is associated with irregular levels of neurotransmitters, and hormones have always made my anxiety worse.

That aside, there are easy exercises that help you relax, such as, taking a hot bath, going for a walk, or just removing yourself from stressful environments. I highly recommend therapy/psychiatry. You don't need to take meds for anxiety, and if you tell the doctor this, they will respect it.

I have suffered anxiety and anxiety attacks due to PTSD, and GAD since I was a young child. I've been in therapy for over 5 years now, and the best thing to have helped me was knowledge about my problems. That's why I would recommend looking into cognitive behavioral therapy, because it gives you an opportunity to gain self-awareness, and change behaviors that have a negative effect on your life.

I agree that patience is the best medicine you could give your girlfriend, and don't try to fix her. Be supportive, and just love her. That doesn't mean put up with anything, or be co-dependent. We all need acceptance and love first, though.

trache · 07-15-2004, 07:41 PM

Thanks for the replies so far everyone -- it has helped a great deal. I don't feel as though I'm alone.

She is in therapy in-so-far that there are people she has seen (on a semi-regular basis) when she was in school this past year. She has said ithe sessions helped, but she hasn't really gone into detail with me (which I respect).

Yes, I do try and listen. I quite like listening to her daily life, it's much more interesting than mine since I have an office job.

It's not that I want to fix the problem per se, but I just feel sad that she feels like this and I wish that I could shoulder that burden for her. She definitely doesn't need to be worrying about everything she thinks about. I do sit down with her, talk and be sympathetic.

Maleficient, it's not that I fear the change in personality -- I'm smart enough (and have friends going through similar situations) to know that drugs do that. What I am afraid of is that she and I could become totally different people or that she may decide through whatever logic she *may* have in the future, that she and I shouldn't be dating. Of course it's not something I look forward to, but it's in the back of my mind. That's *my* fear. I apologize if I miscommunicated my thoughts.

I just hope that an exercise or two may help her see that she may be able to help herself (if even just a little).

Cynthetiq -- "remind her that she's got to make efforts to make changes *IF* they are real things she can affect."

She's doing well with that elsewhere in her life.. I hope she can see the light and the end of the tunnel with this one.

Lurkette - I'm currently looking for the book, thanks for the suggestion.

pinkie - As I stated before, she has been in therapy, but only mandated by the university as she has no health insurance. It's a real drag, but she's looking into her options.

She loves taking baths though. This behaviour therapy, any good methods, authors of books etc that I could look into?

Thanks everyone.

pinkie · 07-17-2004, 02:17 PM

http://www.nacbt.org/whatiscbt.htm

Best of luck to you both.

Prince · 07-17-2004, 05:25 PM

Unfortunately, if she does have an anxiety disorder, or any type of personality disorder, buying a Jane Fonda tape for her ain't gonna cut it.

Pills do help. Unless you instill in her some sort of senseless fear of taking them.

Uhh, by pills, of course, I am referring to prescribed medication.

07-15-2004, 07:24 AM	#1 (permalink)
trache Insane	Controlling Anxiety This is the first pos (of hopefully many) to TFP. Be gentle. If this is the wrong board, I do apologize. In short, my girlfriend is suffering from a great deal of anxiety brought on by just about everything she could imagine. Her mother is over-bearing to the point of ridiculousness (oh I could tell stories) and her father tries to make her self-sufficient (which has worked wonderfully in that respect). She feels as though she has to take care of everything in her life at one moment and actually does have very little time to herself when she is at home, but when she is in school (attending teacher's college in the fall) she seems to have everything under control. Her mind is a whirlwind of important dates, appointments and things to do all at once. A problem with being able to focus or concentrate on what is important at the moment perhaps? Being a man, I naturally feel the need to help her and listen to her problems and try and give her constructive advice about her situation. Being a man, I feel as though I am not able to help her (Men are from Mars of course). I do fear that I will stop seeing her if the problem aggravates itself over a long period of time in the future (we have been dating 5 years next week and I see no signs of it letting up). Don't get me wrong -- I support her in every way. She is quite the catch and I have no intention of leaving her. I know these two statements are contradictory, but I hope you understand. A feeling of this situation ripping us apart overcomes me sometimes. I fear that she will go on drugs and that her behaviour will change so drastically that she might be a different person. Am I being selfish? Most likely. I am trying to be a little selfish just because I don't want to see our relationship end in shambles. I have very strong feelings for her and only want to help her. Her mood has been like a roller coaster; very amorous one moment and cold the next. She is on birth control currently, which can complicate the situation, and she is also trying to excercise more (she has actually changed her diet and since September has lost a lot of weight). I guess what I'm trying to ask: Does anyone have any excercises, good books or good websites about controlling anxiety, stress or panic attacks without resorting to drugs? Thanks for reading. I hope to keep contributing to this BBS. __________________ "You looked at me as if I was eating runny eggs in slow motion." - Gord Downie of The Tragically Hip

07-15-2004, 08:11 AM	#2 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	Oh, gawd, where to start... You seem to contradict yourself a lot. You love her, you support her, she's pretty type A, but if she doesn't stop being type A, you might leave her. If she takes a medication to help her out with some of the anxiety she suffers from, you might leave her beacuse it might change her personality. If she loses the anxiety -- her personality DOES change. If you have had these conversations with her, you are adding to her anxiety. I am about as Type A as a person can get, I'm also attempting to try meditation to help out with stress. It might be something to consider. However, if you love her as you say you do, you really want her to do what's best for her, if that includes medication (and last I checked, only a doctor can prescribe anti-anxiety meds-- most good doctors won't even do that without talking to the patient first) then the medication is what's best for her. Meditation would be my first suggestion Yoga is a good relaxer, if you can. If she's really high stress, with no relief, talking to a professional would be in her best interest to help her get a handle on anxiety. __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

07-15-2004, 08:41 AM	#3 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	you love someone as they are, not as what you envision they will be come or fear of what they may become. that said, be patient. remind her that she's got to make efforts to make changes IF they are real things she can affect. If not, then she needs to tell you when she's venting and complaining so that you just support and be there for her as a LISTENER and NOT a FIXER. It's not an easy task but you have to be patient with yourself. __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

07-15-2004, 01:40 PM	#4 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	Cynthetiq is wise. Most women don't want you to fix the problem, they just want you to listen while they vent. Treat her like she's capable of taking care of herself, and be supportive if she requests help but don't try to fix everything for her. Do your best to not try to be responsible for how her life goes. She is how she is. That said, you can say to her that you're worried that her level of stress is not healthy for her. Maleficent is on the right track with the meditation - that, and check out something called "progressive relaxation" exercises. There's also a good book called "Worry" by Edward Hallowell that has some good tips on managing anxiety. Good luck! __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

07-15-2004, 07:41 PM	#6 (permalink)
trache Insane	Thanks for the replies so far everyone -- it has helped a great deal. I don't feel as though I'm alone. She is in therapy in-so-far that there are people she has seen (on a semi-regular basis) when she was in school this past year. She has said ithe sessions helped, but she hasn't really gone into detail with me (which I respect). Yes, I do try and listen. I quite like listening to her daily life, it's much more interesting than mine since I have an office job. It's not that I want to fix the problem per se, but I just feel sad that she feels like this and I wish that I could shoulder that burden for her. She definitely doesn't need to be worrying about everything she thinks about. I do sit down with her, talk and be sympathetic. Maleficient, it's not that I fear the change in personality -- I'm smart enough (and have friends going through similar situations) to know that drugs do that. What I am afraid of is that she and I could become totally different people or that she may decide through whatever logic she may have in the future, that she and I shouldn't be dating. Of course it's not something I look forward to, but it's in the back of my mind. That's my fear. I apologize if I miscommunicated my thoughts. I just hope that an exercise or two may help her see that she may be able to help herself (if even just a little). Cynthetiq -- "remind her that she's got to make efforts to make changes IF they are real things she can affect." She's doing well with that elsewhere in her life.. I hope she can see the light and the end of the tunnel with this one. Lurkette - I'm currently looking for the book, thanks for the suggestion. pinkie - As I stated before, she has been in therapy, but only mandated by the university as she has no health insurance. It's a real drag, but she's looking into her options. She loves taking baths though. This behaviour therapy, any good methods, authors of books etc that I could look into? Thanks everyone. __________________ "You looked at me as if I was eating runny eggs in slow motion." - Gord Downie of The Tragically Hip

07-15-2004, 02:31 PM	#5 (permalink)
pinkie Helplessly hoping Location: Above the stars	Is she in therapy? I can't take hormones (birth control) because I have pretty bad PMS, and they make me moodier, and more unpredictably responsive. Anxiety is associated with irregular levels of neurotransmitters, and hormones have always made my anxiety worse. That aside, there are easy exercises that help you relax, such as, taking a hot bath, going for a walk, or just removing yourself from stressful environments. I highly recommend therapy/psychiatry. You don't need to take meds for anxiety, and if you tell the doctor this, they will respect it. I have suffered anxiety and anxiety attacks due to PTSD, and GAD since I was a young child. I've been in therapy for over 5 years now, and the best thing to have helped me was knowledge about my problems. That's why I would recommend looking into cognitive behavioral therapy, because it gives you an opportunity to gain self-awareness, and change behaviors that have a negative effect on your life. I agree that patience is the best medicine you could give your girlfriend, and don't try to fix her. Be supportive, and just love her. That doesn't mean put up with anything, or be co-dependent. We all need acceptance and love first, though.

07-17-2004, 02:17 PM	#7 (permalink)
pinkie Helplessly hoping Location: Above the stars	http://www.nacbt.org/whatiscbt.htm Best of luck to you both.

07-17-2004, 05:25 PM	#8 (permalink)
Prince /nɑndəsˈkrɪpt/ Location: LV-426	Unfortunately, if she does have an anxiety disorder, or any type of personality disorder, buying a Jane Fonda tape for her ain't gonna cut it. Pills do help. Unless you instill in her some sort of senseless fear of taking them. Uhh, by pills, of course, I am referring to prescribed medication. __________________ Who is John Galt?