Rlyss

Hi everyone. A friend of mine wants to stay at my house for a few days and I don't want it to happen.

I still live at home, we've got a small house and five people are here. We have only one car and don't have much money to throw around. Even though my parents wouldn't relish the idea of someone staying here for an indefinite period of time, they wouldn't say no because they're good people.

My friend is going through a rough period - depression, university and parent issues. She can't afford to move out but she doesn't want to live at home. I often feel our friendship is one-sided and I really think her moving into my family's house, even for just a week, would be a very bad move. We would fight, it would cause strain on my family and our friendship, and economically my family really couldn't handle it for too long.

I've supported my friend a lot, I've given her advice ranging from 'Make the most of the free food at home, rise above it and stick it out until you can move out' to advising her to go to a counselor, course advisor, financial advisor at Student Services etc. It's basically like 'You can only help someone who wants to be helped', and it's not happening. I'm giving her solid, workable but she just wants to move in with me.

Financial and family cohesion reasons aside

a) I don't feel close enough to her for her to move into my family's house
b) I think if would just open her eyes she could see other, more viable options
c) if she moves in here for a week I don't think her parents are going to let her back in, then she's stuck
c) I <i>know</i> she hasn't got it as bad as she thinks she does at home.

I feel awfully selfish about this, but every part of me says that her moving in would be a very bad idea. How do I explain this? If I rattle off a dozen reasons why she can't, will that be worse than simply saying 'I think it would be a bad idea'? I'm very much the kind of person who will accept it if someone says no. No questions asked, I won't drill them for reasons because it's bad for everyone. But I seem to be alone in thinking like that.

Apologies for the super long thread, but it's been on my mind for a few days now and I really have to make a decision.

SixEdxMia

So tell her no.Simple as that.State the facts as you just did,and ask her to understand your side of this.You are not obligated to help her,You are not in a place to do this for her now and she isn't in any danger in her current spot.It is too much for her to ask of you in my opinion,and it is just out of the question.If there is anything else that you can do for her in the future she should feel free to ask for your help,but this time,No can do. Be brave. Your opinion is obvious,for your own good,and hers,state it out loud to her. <3 Good luck.

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la petite moi

You have to just tell her no. It is selfish of her to put her problems on you and expect you to invite her into your home. Since she doesn't see that, you need to just tell her 'no way, jose' and keep explaining that unless her parents are physically harming her, she should just stick it out.

It's what I've been trying to tell myself lately- if I really wanted to get away, I would get a job, save up, and move out like an adult. That's what your friend needs to do and try not to be a mooch off hard-working people.

irseg

Your friend sounds like quite the leech. And if you're predicting already that she will want to stay there longer than a week and that you'll be fighting with her, well that's just asking for trouble.

I think it'd be reasonable to help her find a job and an apartment so that she can be self-sufficient. It's less burden on you, and might teach her how to get by on her own rather than leeching off of others.

maleficent

You list all reasonable answers for saying no, one that a reasonable person would accept and understand.

That being said, she doesn't sound all that reasonable, she sounds selfish, and if I may be perfectly frank (or maleficent actually) she's not a friend if she's imposing herself on you and your family like that.

You've done your best with her, you've given her solid advice, she's choosing not to take it. Sometimes the best way to be a friend to someone is to stop being so available, She thinks she's got you as an easy out, she doesnt, she's got to grow up and deal with her problems, by herself.

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Skettios

I don't feel like a really good friend would put you in that position. Friendship is given, not taken. If you offered first, then you're bound, but if you didn't ever offer, then she needs to respect your wishes.

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Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.

Frederich Nietzsche

theusername

If your interested in this route you can always use the white lie. Your parents changed their minds and wont allow it. The problem with that is she'd still attempt to leach off you.

Let her down easy, but a firm no is your best option.

Rlyss

Thanks to everyone for the advice. Luckily the issue hasn't come up yet between us but I'm unsure of how much longer my advice will last. Sooner or later she might start asking me if she can stay here and I know what to do now.

I do feel a little bit selfish about the whole deal. The economic reasons are quite minor, and my parents are great people and will do anything they can to accomodate someone in need, as will I. I just can't help thinking that she's not 'in need' at all. If she'd just open her eyes she could see, perhaps not that she's got it great, but that her home environment is certainly not unbearable, and in many ways downright great (free food, internet, petrol, accomodation, etc.).

My answer will be no, and my reason will be that there are better ways to deal with her feelings. I'll help her in other ways, but she can't stay here.

Thanks everyone

agball

If you feel uncomfortable telling her no, just blame your parents. Tell her your folks said its not a good week.

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