DEAD LIKE ME
 

Out of the fact fact that misery loves company, how many people on the tpf have attempted suicide? I myself have some wonderfully grotesque stories. Don't bother posting if you are already offened

Nineteen times. At least one of them had to have been successful. I ought to already be dead.
Oh and I'd like to hear one of your stories.

I don't like telling my stories because I don't want to encourage other people or sound like I'm bragging. But sounds like you need to stick around, maybe you got something good coming up, you don't know about yet!

That's something I would never even consider doing.
But if some people want to end their lives, good riddance.

I find it amazing that there are so many people that attempt suicide, but fail. Is it really that hard??

Well when they keep fuckin bringing you back to life it is

Fuckin doctors won't just leave you alone you know, oh wait you don't.

Um... due to the fact that we are a peacful bunch here at the TFP I am going to refrain from pointing out your ignorance.
But word to the wise... Think before you speak. Even if you are offending people that have attempted suicide (myself being six times) you are still offending a human.

And yes it can be hard. When you try let me know how well it works the first time. You get really scared... you sweat alot as the knife blade gets closer to your flesh. Most of it you won't remember when you wake up the next morning covered in you own blood. That's when you realize that the cuts weren't deep enough. You wrap your wounds and go about your day knowing that just like everything else in in life... you failed... you failed at death. Then about two or three nights later after a few drinks and a session of listening to all the songs that you've chosen as the ones that fit you best you try again... only this time you sharpen the knife first and make sure you get in good and deep. Cut after cut and blood flowing freely you pass.

Only to find yourself in a hospital bed. Your mother found you. That bitch. Why would she let you die in peace.

Life continues like this for years. Pills popped and razors dulled. Vodka, beer and blood become all you know. And really at this point. 4 years into it. The pain is becoming a really good friend. It's like a warm hug. So, nights pass with puddles besdie the bed and bathtub. And every morning you wake up wanting more.


But then again you wouldn't understand.

Sorry if I offended you, that wasn't my intention. It's just the way I see things..

Sound like your bragging eh? I'm pretty sure trying to off yourself is nothing to brag about. Yeah, if you truly want to end it all, it is not that hard. Ask my buddy who stepped in front of that train, or my other friend, who just last week layed out in the middle of the road at night and got ran the fuck over , or the other guy I knew who blew his head off with a 30.06....There is a huge difference between seeing how far you can go, and actually doing it. As far as I go, there is not a reason on earth I would ever kill myself.

I dont think life could ever ever be that bad.

Also, little statistic, more women then guys attempt to commit suicide, but more guys actually do.

Guys tend to, like gutter pointed out, kill themselves in a single violent act. Women would rather go to sleep and never wake up... Hence them bringing a person "back to life"...

Just a question but, if im not mistaken, suicide is "Illegal" Do you get fined for it? or do they just throw you in therapy?

i guess it might be really sick of me... but this made me laugh harder than anything else all week.

On a side note, World's King, I friggen love you, don't die. This might be a bit past any point when it might be useful, but your great.

Yup. once. it was out of fury in my early teenage years and more of a situation of seeing how far i could go than seriously ending it all. But of all the times of contemplation that was the one time I seriously harmed myself, there's even a scar. It's a good thing though since when i contemplate it now or in the future it'll remind me how childish the attitude is to find a permanent solution for a temporary problem.

Echoing YourNeverThere. U R KEWL

Your only given one life, and unless your suffering from a terminal illness you have to realise that things change, and often for the better.Your dead a long fucking time.

Ya know, I was interested in this thread having first-hand knowledge of the subject.

But with the amount of ignorant comments this thread has produced so far, I wonder why anyone who has suffered through a suicidal depression would want to open up.

World's King, I've always been impressed by the eloquence and thoughtfulness of your posts. I can identify with this one. Hope you can keep the black dog at bay.

there were times where i seriously considered doing it... but never got to that point... i knew a couple people who did it in highschool...

I had the trigger on my gun pulled, less than a mm more and it would have all been finished.


I often wonder what would have happened if I finished the job.

A couple of the posts have been rude, but I think that the problem is the wide gulf of understanding between those who have considered suicide and those who hadn't. I'm lucky to be in the second group.

I had considered posting earlier, since the stories are so compelling (especially World's King), but I had no idea what to say. You are correct, I don't understand.

But I hope to understand a bit more. I would put in a "hope you feel better" kind of statement here, but I realize that would be trite.

One of my friends in high school tried to overdose, except he used Midol. I dont know what he was thinking, he had severe issues.

Thank you. And I do mean that...thank you.

My struggle with depression began in highschool...22 years ago before depression was understood as well as it is today.

After 3 months of feeling like hell, I swallowed a bottle of painkillers. I was found by my sister, taken to the hospital where my stomach was pumped and sent home with my parents. My doctor told them not to talk to me about it...it was just a "phase".

8 years later, while going through my first divorce I was hospitalized again. It was the first time a doctor diagnosed me with chronic depression.

Depression can be acute, as when someone losses a spouse, or a job. Or it can be chronic, reoccuring throughout one's life. It seems after the doctor did some talking to my family that I was genetically predisposed to the disease from both sides of the family tree.

What is being suicidally depressed like? It's a non-stop feeling of utter worthlessness. I'd wake up in the morning and feel like something or someone important in my life had died. It was a feeling of deep grief. I'd stumble through the day. The world was...grey, it lacked any color, taste or joy. Drinking made it worse. At night, I'd lay awake with a loop playing over and over in my mind of just how worthless I was. I couldn't make it stop. I'd cry at first but as I sunk lower, not even tears helped. So, I'd lay there in bed with a tape in the VCR playing over and over, just some familiar background noise to try and make my brain slow down, to make it be quiet for just a little while.

This went on for months.

I'd ignored most of my friends and family. I couldn't take one more, "for Christ's sake Kevin, pull yourself out of this." Crap, you think I wanted to live like that? Did they honestly think I wanted to be that way?

When I hit bottom, I honestly believed that everyone, my family, friends, even my 3 year old daughter, would be better off without me. Hell, I knew I was worthless, and I felt a total absence of hope. When you reach that point, suicide becomes a logical choice.

I remember getting the bottle of pills. I wasn't scared, I really had no feeling at that point. I just wanted life to end. I knew in a few years I'd be forgotten and it was a comforting thought. As for me, death couldn't be as bad as what I felt. Anything would've been an improvement. So, I swallowed them down, all 24 of them with a swig of red wine. Then I sat there. I didn't feel a damn thing. I'd expected something a little more melodramatic, I guess. Maybe writing a note to my daughter trying to explain.

I began thinking of my daughter. The most precious thing in my dismal world. I began thinking about how much this might hurt her. I got scared...what if she had the same misfortune to be born with a disease so few understood. Maybe I could help her.

I spent the next two weeks in a psychiatric hospital. Thanks to a fantastic psychiatrist, an understanding family, and a certain pharmaceutical, I came out the other side.

Was life as bad as it seemed? No. Could I do anything to convince myself of that while depressed? No.

People who are suicidal aren't weak. They aren't drama queens. They are screaming for help. You can't cheer them up and you can't heal them. But you can try and understand that they see no hope. And they need help. And it is deadly serious.

Untill you are in the position where commiting suicide seems like the best choice in life; untill you are so depressed that you no longer want to wake up in the morning, no longer wish to do anything when you are awake, and no longer just want to continue; untill you can truely KNOW that you understand what it's like, kiss my fucking ass.

You don't know what it's like, and you can't understand untill you are there, there is no getting around this. I hope those of you who never do stay that way, it's not a fun mindstate to be in. If you ever get there, my heart goes out to you.

I'd also like to commend all the people here who have been there, pulled through, and are stronger people for it.

Bragging as in some people like to get attention by using suicide as the way too. If you had ever been to a mental hospital you would understand how everyone sits there and compares notes. Yeah I would agree it's not that hard. I've put myself in a coma before, ain't arguing with you. Sounds like you should have been paying more attention to your friends than this website

No Offense taken! I was trying to be sacastic/funny. Somtimes it's the only thing you got to deal with stuff. But it seemed like a valid argument to me.

It doesn't matter now! Now you can help other people out who have depression too! I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'll hug the computer and pretend it is you.

No not illegal only in England, but the police do get involved. I've had first hand expeience with this shit. If you are under 18 they make sure you're not being abused by family or anything, try to see what caused it. But you can be committed under the courts. I hate mental hospitals but after they pumped my stomach, they put in the cop car and shipped me off, I was seventeen. A judge can determine how long your stay is also.

To everyone who has posted so far, I appreciate your honesty and sharing your stories with others. It is hard due to all the ignorance and stigma attachted to suicide. I hope this will give people more compassion and a better understanding of it, so hopefully suicides can be prevented in the future.

I have a family member that did himself in a number of years ago. I'll never forgive him for doing what he did. Seeing how it affected his loved ones by his actions only shows me that suicide is a cop-out and only serves to hurt others.
I give full credit to people that thought about it and didn't go through with it and now deal with their depression.
Sorry if this is harsh, but reading this thread got me upset.

I disagree with you on it being a cop-out. But I agree it hurts a lot of people.

Hey, If I knew I coulda been there to save those poor bastards, you can bet I would have been. Two of them were out of state at college when it happened and the guy last week I hadn't seen in monthes...there was no way to contact him, he had disappeared, then i get to see it on the 11:00 o'clock news. It was absolutely crushing..... I have stopped a person from doing it by the way, and they are eternally grateful for it. I know when a person is super depressed, for me it's kind of obvious. All it took for me to get the guy from killing himself was an open ear. I sat with him for hours, just listening. That's it. He just needed to talk to somebody, he was so down and out, but I managed to snap him out of it. It took some time before he was 100%, but I was there for him. I take a lot of pride in that.


As far as this being a serious thread though, why do you refer to your attempts as "woderfully grotesque stories"? I don't get it.

I've held out on posting in this thread for a long time, to see what direction it would take, but obviously I think its going in the right direction now.

I have thought of suicide only once in my life. It was, and always will be the lowest part of my life, and I'm glad now that I didn't actually act on my urges.

Background - I was a sophmore in HS when this happened, and I had been 'acting psychiatrist' for some of my friends. This is what I do, because a lot of people have their own issues to work out, and a lot of people don't trust someone who has an office. I have studied psychology for years, since middle school I was reading theory, so I have been doing this for quite a while.
My girlfriend was one of the people I was trying to help out at the time, and she had made a lot of progress. She was very introverted and severely damaged because of abuse (mental, physical, and sexual) from her father, and 2 occurrences of rape that happened less than 2 blocks from her home (both). When I found her she was ready to die. I watched her make her way back, its amazing how a human spirit can endure if you give it a little attention and care.
The school counselor (who I worked with closely and who had files on my friends because I'm not too proud to admit Im not a profesional) left on maternity leave, and a replacement was called in. Within 6 weeks, 3 of my friends were "medically separated" from the school (think: expulsion with a nicer name)

Alicia had to go back home.
She left in the middle of the night - I wasnt told that any of this was happening, and was unavailable when it did anyway.

She arrived in Hong Kong, and wrote me a card. I still have it. After a week, she committed suicide, and succeeded in her aim.

I was devastated, and felt shattered. I couldn't really deal with it for a while, I ran from it for so long, and whenever it caught up with me I was totally overwhelmed.

What brought me back to life was my current g/f (who wasn't at the time). It took her a year until she learned about it, and then another year to help me work through it (along with another friend of mine in HS, who does much the same for his friends as I do for mine). After that year, I started dating her, and continue to do so now, a year and a half later.

Now I'm back, better than ever, still living with the memory, but not controlled by it.

Suicide may seem like the easy way out to those who havent considered it, but once you have considered it you realize...

... in that position, it seems like the ONLY way out.

You do have to be there for someone when they are going through it. I have stopped a few people from committing suicide. They were very grateful. I still keep in contact with 2 of them, the others have gone their own way in life.

I think something that is important to realize is that there are many chronic/permanent & difficult problems that people have that cannot be understood by people who have never experienced them. Suicide is just one of them. So please don't get angry if people don't understand. It does no good.

That said, I have never tried to commit suicide and have rarely thought of doing it. I had a good friend who killed himself in June 2003 for no apparent reason. At first I hated him for depriving us all of his presence. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it's hard to dig oneself out of a situation where you think the whole world sucks, no one cares about you, etc. (I used to believe this but wasn't considering suicide as a solution, FWIW... I guess I wasn't depressed enough.) So I decided that, at least he was hopefully not suffering any more.

So... all I can say is, thanks for believing and pulling yourself through, if you have attempted suicide. The world is better off because you believed.

Things get better. They always do. It's hard not to when you're so low you can only go up.

Wow, this is the best thread I've read so far in TFP. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I have never atempted suicide but I have cut myself quite a few times. I think its really great knowing that we are not alone in feeling this way, and I intend to get help.

Really I don't have the words to express how great all of your stories are, they have really touched me.

I really don't want to say I've considered suicide, but lately I have been thinking about it, I'm kinda concerned I am even thinking about it. Sometimes everything seems like an avalanche and all I have to dig myself out of the dirt is a broken shovel and a tired arm. My thought process refuses to let me ponder the thought for too long; I have a daughter who turns 1 November 30 who I love more than anything, and I think she'd be better off with me alive. Usually that thought gets me out of thinking bad thoughts like that for too long. But I understand why a person would do such a thing; if you see your life as the center of a storm of problems, your mind backs itself into a corner, and suicide becomes a solution in a world where solutions appear to be non-attainable.

I think this is a good thread (although the title is kind of dreary) and I hope to see it continue to be a positive one. I think this could be very helpful and encouraging to others, including myself.

No you have to stay around for your daughter! She'll be hurt forever if you leave her and never understand it.

Yeah not wanting to hurt other people, with my death is sometimes the only thing I have to keep going. Sometimes I feel completely alone and empty but then I'm afraid my family might too if I was gone and I just can't do that to them, they have been to way too much as it is.

I thought about it once. I'd had a bad year and was just a little unbalanced, and had just failed a calculus exam. I got drunk, and then went and climbed a lookout tower in the middle of Perth. I ended up sitting there from 2AM until the sun rose, thinking about things. I'm glad I did it; now I know that I didn't jump.

Well right off the bat you come here and tell everyone on the board that it can't be that hard to commit suicide, if you really wanted to? Do you know how wrong that is to tell people with suicidal thoughts?! I've had to put up with people like you my whole life! Guess what? Part of the whole getting better deal is to try NOT to kill yourself, and then people like you come along and act like "oh they're not serious, otherwise they would have done it by now" so don't talk to me about being serious when you post messages like that.

I'm glad you didn't tell anybody you helped save that. I'm sorry I was harsh about your friends that was out of line but jeez I know people who have stepped out in front of a train too, but I don't tell other people, oh by the way try this because it's fool proof. Why didn't you just post about helping save your friends that you could? That would have been alot more helpful and let everyone know you cared. I know it was to be difficult losing friends and not knowing why they did that too themselves but don't get mad and take it out on other people.

And why do I say "wonderfully grotesque stories" because as a real person that's how I talk and sometimes just typing shit in doesn't convey a personality at all. And I'm being sarcastic which I also can't show on a computer, my stories aren't wonderful at all. I didn't have to wait till I as in college to become depressed I have been since I was 11 yrs. old I have a genetic disordor, I have a disease! Try watching an 11 year old girl in a mental instituion, the best way I can describe that is wonderfully grostesque. It's so disturbing I'll never be able to get over all the stuff I've been through.

It's like having cancer, I can't just think about being happy really hard and it will go away. It never will! I will be on large quanitites of medication my entire life and I still have serve relapses. I'm now seriously considering electroshock therapy, to help me. It's nobodies fault I'm like this but when people minimilize everything I've had to work towards and fight towards my entire life, I can't take it! Don't belittle people you don't know!

Yes it would be easy enough for me to kill myself, I have the scars, internal liver damage, heart damage, brain damage for that matter. But I'm trying NOT too do that! Don't you understand? Feel lucky that you HAVE the ability to pull yourself out of funks. Some don't and get to feel like freaks of nature their entire lives!

If life ever gets so bad that you really want to commit suicide, why don't you just lose all your inhibitions and do all the crazy things you can think of that youre not supposed to do, like walk around in public naked. I mean, if you're really that serious about killing yourself then nothing should really hold you back right? Besides it might give you a real flavor for life.

Btw: I've contemplated it but I realized the only way to go from rock bottom is straight up.

yeah i think there can be a sense of enlightenment from the brink of utter despair and hopelessness. its up to you what to do with that enlightenment. finish it off, or make it better.

Ok, first let me address a pet peeve. There is no such thing as rock bottom! I know it's a cool buzzword Fight Club made popular but it doesn't exist. Things can always get worse. Depending on one's perspective, that can shed light on a situation or make it seem even more hopeless. Personally, I don't like comparing my life to a horribly gaunt Somalian child in order to say "Hey, I have it pretty good. It could always be worse." Yes, it indeed could be worse but it's like apples and oranges. On the same token, I can understand a perfectly physically healthy billionaire hating his life.

Suicide and its implications have been running through my mind awhile. It might be presumptuous to assume this, but my guess is after death there is nothing. If there is nothingness then is it wrong to prefer that over somethingness that is absolutely miserable? I refuse to accept a role on Earth as simply a living organism that maintains the status quo for surrounding people. However if I could be shown that someone else, maybe even a number of people, in a very similar situation have moved on to enjoy life then I could be convinced. I've yet to see this empirical evidence though. There are generally skewed variables in both the positive and negative directions. For example, someone might say I'm in your sitiuation BUT I do have friends and perfect physical health (positive) or I'm in your situation BUT my father is an abusive alcoholic (negative). Either way, the deviation only helps to not convince me of anything.

I've tried 3 times before. My last being summer of 2000. I'll never forget that summer. I was so depressed. I still am. I think of suicide everyday. It seems like it's the only way out. I hurt so badly. I tried to imagine my life after death yesterday and I couldn't conceive what nothing was like. That gave life a little more meaning. That, and carnival..and The matrix revolutions..and the final chapter of the Lord of the Rings.

We all have something to live for.. ::chuckles sadly::

best not to try and find out, LuFega...

I imagine it is a lot like sleep without dreams. You feel nothing, you see nothing, you smell nothing. Your senses are dead, and you will never wake up.

Even if things are rough, its better than being in perpetual darkness as such.

Hence, we are still here.

I used to think of it, the idea of nothingness forever, and once you can handle the concept, its a mentally debilitating idea. Its very boggling once you figure it out and get lost in it. Suddenly I feel that I have to do whatever I can to avoid that, because even if life is all bad, its still better than no life at all.

Psychologists categorize attention this way, and I think it is a good parallel to life experience. Good attention is, of course, the top of the list, followed by negative attention, followed by no attention.
Tests have been done on this, and while I could get very verbose, suffice to say that no attention is the worst possible way to live.

Thus, having absolutely no feeling must be the worst way to go. Even if all is negative, at least you are feeling something. Plus, no matter where you stand, you will have your high points, even if you consider them to be low.

when i was younger, i was in the same position numist put himself in, the one who helped everyone, but really had no outlet to help himself. i became overwhelmed, so i took a knife and pressed it to my flesh, but i didn't like the way it felt, so i pulled it away. in another instance, i found myself at my grandparent's house, but i couldn't find a key to my grandpa's gun safe, so those plans were thwarted. i don't think i ever told anybody about those episodes, they just kinda got buried in the heap of everything else happening.

i'm going through another spate of difficulties, and it often feels like there's so much negative that there's no way to get out of the red. i've often considered the consequenses of going through the actions, and even further, the consequenses of dealing with the source of many of these problems before taking care of myself. i know in the deepest part of my heart that it wouldn't solve anything, but it would be such a gratification to know that noone else's life will ever be ruined like mine was.

and then i think about my girlfriend and realize that not only would i miss her, but that she dosen't deserve the pain and suffering of a loss like that. i'm having dark thoughts lately, but her light keeps me from being swallowed by the shadows. she's my lifesaver, in more ways then one.

mmm i hear ya. nothing to do with suicide, but i consider my GF to be my lifesaver. i was heading down a road of cocaine and jack daniels abuse until i met her.

now i'm eating right and running 4 times a week!

everything in life seems so much easier when you have someone loving and supporting you.

and for everyone thats contemplating suicide in this thread. DONT!!!!!! please? your family loves you too much.

ive attempted suicide a few times- pills mostly, and one time some very deep shaky cuts.

now mostly, its become a problem where i intentionally am apethetic to my body. if my stomach hurts, its funny to me. if my back hurts, i apply more weight to it.

i have thoughts about suicide everyday, but i choose to stay alive because i have someone very important in my life. along with the fact that i am curious as to how crappy my future will be, since i'm only a senior in high school. hmmmm...

Just to give a view from the outside, anyone who considers it should think about this.

A friend of mine killed himself a year and a half ago. I'm the type that doesn't cry, doesn't frown, and rarely shows much emotion at all. I'm sitting here in public right now, trying to pretend that I have something in my eye so that nobody asks me why I'm crying. It's just too painful to think about.

My family hates me. It's a well deserved hate.
The only reason I keep going is pure unadulterated hatred.

Veritas en Lux!
Jimmy The Hutt

MrSelfDestruct has it exactly right.

There is nothing more painful in life than suicide.

As a person who has lost people to suicide, it is the worst feeling that you can ever have. If someone runs over your puppy, or your best friend succumbs to cancer - you have a reason to why they died. With suicide you fall into an endless hole of what ifs and confusion. You don't have an explanation, and its unbearable to live with.

As far as committing suicide... There's too much in life, so as Ive iterated before... please dont, and seek help. Even if you don't think you can find anyone, we are always here.

I don't

Now that I think about it, I have never even thought about it.

I'm not a happy go lucky guy, but I have never thought anything was that bad. I guess I just don't understand.

I always washed teh pills down with the Vodka cause I wanted to have a good time.

I think many people have had vague thoughts about what it would be like, but I have never really considered it. If I have ever even thought about it, I think about people who have been in much worse situations and kept on fighting and surviving. My dad fought cancer for three years (brain tumor) before he died. My mom had a bone marrow transplant ten years ago for multiple myeloma(a type of bone marrow cancer). Now it is back, but the doctor told her that she has gone twice as long in remission as any other marrow transplant. Christopher Reeves is also a person I look up to. It's wonderful that he has all sorts of money to afford really expensive treatments, but he still has not given up and keeps fighting. And then there is always the people who have been persecuted and beaten down for their beliefs. Look at all of the Jews that survived the concentration camps. Most of them did not commit suicide. My problems were a lot less than theirs, and I think most people here never faced problems that they did. That may sound callous, but oh well. I mean, what was so bad in Kurt Cobain's life that he needed to commit suicide? If you have problems, seek help. Talk to someone. Learn to accept that life sometimes sucks, and understand that there are millions of people who have had a tougher time than you and have pulled through. If you want attention, be a person who makes a difference, not a selfish kid.

The Spanish have a saying :"Hace falta tener cojones."

It means you have to have balls.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by pocon1
My dad fought cancer for three years (brain tumor) before he died. My mom had a bone marrow transplant ten years ago for multiple myeloma(a type of bone marrow cancer). Now it is back, but the doctor told her that she has gone twice as long in remission as any other marrow transplant. Christopher Reeves is also a person I look up to. And then there is always the people who have been persecuted and beaten down for their beliefs. Look at all of the Jews that survived the concentration camps. Most of them did not commit suicide. My problems were a lot less than theirs, and I think most people here never faced problems that they did. That may sound callous, but oh well. I mean, what was so bad in Kurt Cobain's life that he needed to commit suicide? [/QUOTE


I totally well thought out post pocom1. You have excellent insight! I being someone that has attempted suicide have always felt terrible about not wanting to live, while people who do struggle so hard to. When I was younger and more suicidal I wished I could have traded places with them and let them have my health and live. It has many times made me revaluate my life and how hard life can really become. It's true that becoming depressed and suicidal makes it harder to see the forest for the trees. You become very self involved and start to forget that people have triumphed in alot worse circumstances. Thank you for your post! Hopefully it will give everyone something to think about next time they feel upset.

Hey, some families deserve to be hated, there are not all good.

I'm very sorry to hear the MrSelfDestruct! Thank you for posting though and letting people know how it feels to everyone on the outside.

Hang On! It gets so much easier after high school! I'm 19 and have been doing alot better personally since I've graduated! I hated middle and high school with a vengence. I still have problems but at least I know that I'm not mandated by law to have to be there!

Hey there ain't nothing wrong with liking books and tv, it's a great way to be in somebody else's world for awhile and give yourself a break! After I was in a coma for a suicide attempt for about a week, I kinda began to relize what nothingness. I didn't dream, see any bright lights or anything. When I woke up I didn't know where I was or what had happened. It was kind of sobering relizing that all I saw was blackness. Made me want to stick around a bit longer, besides who knows what you might miss book wise or TV wise. I know that sounds stupid, but it's my escape too.

I was going to drop these lyrics in earler, but I fogot. Since C/B quoted you on that, here's the lyrics for "Suicide" by Bobby Gaylor. It is kinda long, but a cool spoken-word piece. It cheers up at the end, so don't stop halfway.

Actually they aren't the problem. Most of them are fairly stable, productive, well-adjusted individuals. Mostly they resent the fact that a whack-job like me is related by blood.

Veritas en Lux!
Jimmy The Hutt

I feel like I spent a lot of my teen years convincing my friends not to kill themselves. I frequently had my own thoughts of, "I want to die. I want to die," but I felt a lot of responsibility to my friends. I felt like if I was gone, there would be nobody left to support them.

I'm here for people who need someone to talk to. I run this site to help people and the community as a whole, and despite my schedule, I have time for people who are in need.

i'm very much speechless on this topic, but I can say that I've never attempted it

I hope that for those of you who seem to relish it that you don't succeed; at the very least, the TFP is here for you

Well that fact they they resent you, shows that their kinda weird in there own way. I too am the only whack-job in my family and I stick out like a sore thumb by since their my family they have learned to live with me and vise versa. Family should love you no matter what. Maybe you just scare them because maybe you actual reflect their inner person. Hey you had to get it from somewhere! Or you could use this found power over buggin the hell out of them to make weird and whitter remarks in public places and embarrass the hell out of them!:D I personally do this to people who act like they have a bug up their butt around me

I'm the one disrupting their normal suburban lives. They have every right to resent me. I don't think I scare them so much as I make them worry about property values and the police. Its not like I'm not a complete freak. Its bound to upset a bunch of urban professionals.

I think aliens switched me out at birth.

Veritas en Lux!
Jimmy The Hutt

Dude my parents our urban professionals too and they just think I'm entertaining and I'm sure they would like you too! Why should they resent you? Blah! You have a bad outlook on yourself which is totally unwarranted since you seem to be pretty funny and an individual. You can come live at my house and feel loved amongst the other outsiders!

there are some families that are better left apart, even in resentment. What is important is that there is support elsewhere to take the place of the role a family plays for most people.

I think this quote sums up why people commit suicide. Since the mind blocks out everything, this is especially true because normally there is help available:

I also like to relate the quote that has been my signature for many years:

I am one of the lucky ones who has not suffered with depresssion or suicidal thoughts thankfully. I can see how people lack understanding for people who do when it is so very difficult to understand. However i do feel for people who have felt so bad that they are affected by this and I hope they will find a way through it.

Let me throw my 2 cents in.
Unless you have been there you won't understand so quit trying to judge some one who has been there. Second the idea that if you really want to succeed you will, is completely wrong. No matter how good the planning or how far overboard you go to assure success, something and I put it at divine intervention, can come along and keep you alive anyway. I have seen people put a bullet in there head and survive and I know people have taken enough pills to kill three people and they are still around.
Depression is a terrible illness because it robs you of your ability to think and act sensibly.

Have you ever been doin' 65 down the highway in traffic up to your ears and you think to yourself that all you would have to do is slam on the breaks and turn the wheel into the guardrail and it would be all over?

No more.

See, when you live a life that's in a constant state of limbo that's how you think. My life has become a fight against my own mind. That won't make sense to many of you. I have mental problems. Like real mental problems. I'm not like the kids that you see on the streets with the black make-up and the ICP shirt that act as though the world hates them and that they're depressed. It's people like this that have actually given people with real problems a bad name. And why we get so many people that say they would never have respect for someone that has killed themselves. It's a misunderstanding.

When you can no longer think for yourself because all you can think about is death then you can tell me about respect. When you wake up in the morning and you can't function like a normal adult, which means your mom has to make you breakfast and make sure you get to work. I'm 22. My mom takes care of all my bills and paperwork. In some respects I'm still 12. I get by everyday with hope that I get better and it was all a phase. 9 years and I still have hope it's all a phase.

See, I don't write things like this for pity. I don't need your pity. I tell you about my struggles so maybe some of you will better understand why someone would slit their wrists. It's not a cop-out. It's the last option most of us have. And when your mental state limits you to half of what everyone else has... you get to death quicker.


*continues to fight*

Just curious, but do you think it's a chemical imbalance or environment?

For me it's a chemical imbalance. For others, such as the kids I refered to, it's all enviroment. If you put yourself in the position that being depressed is the norm then you will eventually become depressed. I was born with an imbalance. That's never going to change until medical science finds a way to. I can't just simply find a new group of friends to hang out with or stop listening to depressing music. I've tried both of those things... I still keep the same thought. There is nothing more creepy then being completely sad with a smile on your face. But then again most of the people that lead the "dark" life were drawn to it because of exsisting problems. Which, oddly enough, is why it's so hard to find a stripper or even someone in pron that doesn't have some sort of sexual misconduct in their past involving a family member or someone similer. Hate breeds hate... just like depression breeds depression. My father is clinicly depressed and in a way past it on to me... both through my parents divorce and mainly by genetics.

I hope that answers your question.

It does, but forgive my ignorance on the subject, isn't there some sort of drug that can treat seratonin deficiencies?

Serotonin deficiency isn't always the nature of the chemical imbalance, and the drugs often have side effects like insomnia, low sex drive, constipation, dizziness, and more, not to mention a small percentage of truly deadly health risks. These side effects can make mental health recovery that much more difficult. Even then, however, you need professional counseling combined with drug treatment, not just drug treatment.

Sometimes people are too embarrassed to to talk to a professional, or they are past the point of wanting to go to one by the time they realize they have a big problem. Or their insurance doesn't cover it.

My ex-girlfriend exposed this world to me, and it's an important one to understand so that people with clinical depression can be respected just like anyone else. Some people can't just "walk it off." Some people are told by their friends that they don't need no stinkin' shrink. Some people refuse to accept that they are clinically depressed and try to just shrug it off, for months and even years. But it just builds up.

All I can say is just keep trying. It is awfully hard I know, but things can turn around and you won't be able to comprehend why you had the thoughts you did.

Excellent post, Johnny Rotten, I just had to come in and say that.

I truly thank you.

I am here! This might not have been possible if it weren't for the principle, counselor, parents, friends and a select few others that recognized my pain when I was 8 years old. That's when it started. I hated myself.....I felt a lot of mental and emotional pain that I couldn't possibly begin to understand at such an early age. I hated the way I looked, I hated the way I felt, and yet I was only 8 years old. I had "pain" in my head that I couldn't begin to express because I was too young to put it in to coherent thoughts. This "pain" needed to be unleashed over the years, so I picked up a razor and began to carve things into my arms. On multiple occasions, I would lightly run the blade over my wrists to make a trickle of blood. I was amused by the release it gave me. I was also amused at the thoughts of ending it all right then and there. I thought a lot about "the darkness" and the end to my mental turmoil.......

This phase lasted through High School.

I look back on it now and wonder how I could have ever contemplated suicide at such a young age. My life didn't have problems, yet I had this deep depression in my head, tucked into a tiny corner of my brain that I could not understand, nor do I think I could make others understand it. I now know that I am much stronger than that.

It is easy to condemn people for trying it....and failing....
It is easy to say how selfish it is...
It is easy for you to detail how wonderful your life is compared to other people's lives in worse situations.....

But when the sense of hopelessness completely and totally consumes you, how can you condemn something that you don't understand?

Good question! I have a chemical imbalance too. I actually have excellent parents and had a great childhood. I actually wish I never got past the ago of 10. Neither of my parents have depression but my paternal grandmother did and my uncle does on my mother's side. Genetics play alot in detertiming you chances at getting depression, about as much as your eye and hair color. I currently have decided not to have children of my own due to the fact that I cannot predict if they will have depression later on and if not them, grandchildren. I think adoption is the best route for me! :D

looking at this from another angle....

Like some of you I too, was the "friend" everybody came to when they were down and depressed, I still am, everyone considers me one of the emotionally strongest most optomistic people they know....

back up 15 years to when I was 20....

I wont say ever "consciously" considered suicide..but in this previous post

I see a lot of myself...I had gotten to a point where I was SO obsessed with ridding the world of suicide that I couldnt handle it anymore, an extremely close friend of mine killed himself, with no warning..none of the "signs" nothing, he just upped and shot himself..it hit me out of the blue that if my best friend could do this, to not have even tried to talked to me about it, what the hell did I think I could do for anyone else....I went on a self destruction campaign, I said f*ck it and commenced on doing every drug I could get my hands on, in amounts that truly should have killed me more than once...cocaine being the main one, this went on for 2 1/2 years.

Now, I was raised in church, had tremendous faith in god, that disappeared for me...I did many many stupid things, I held no value for life, if I was dared...I did it...then, the last 3 months of my drug abuse, actually the heaviest use, somehow the haze started to clear and I started to realize that "somebody" was watching out for me because by all rights I should have been dead and in my drug induced state I started having "feelings" again.

No one helped me thru that time...the realization hit me so hard one day that though I didnt know why, I had everything to live for, and I put the drugs down and completed my "new awakening"

I will by no means claim to be a "good" girl now, but something in that experience told me that by god Im here for a reason and until God decided I had fulfilled that reason, no matter what I did, I wasnt gonna die so I may as well stop trying to do things that would end my life.

A lot of people ask me if I regret those "lost" years and I most unequivically have to say no I dont, they made me into the person I am today.

To those of you that have tried suicide and it didnt work, dont ever look at it as a "failed" attempt...look at it as suceeding in living...there was a reason it didnt work, it might take you 50 years to understand the reason...but that gives you something to look forward to.

15 years removed from my experience I still have no clue why I am still here but each day I wake up and still feel excited that this might be the day I find out.

(sorry for the ramble...I tried to tell it as coherently and compact as I could)

Once. Overdosed with temazepam. A half-hearted attempt, and am glad that that's all it was.

I have never seriously considered suicide, much less attempted it. But, I do have a friend that was considering killing herself, it disturbed me some. I talked with her, and she went to the doctor and got meds and will probably be getting treatment soon.

I'm still here. but every time I'm in a high place i think about how easy it'd be to just hop off. I think about hitting the guardrail when I drive by myself in my car. And everytime I go visit my family, my self-respect degrades a little more. I think if I were still living there, I might have given up wondering. I know what it feels like to drag a blade across your skin. I know what it feels like to think about what meds you could OD on. I know what it feels like to feel bad for the guy on the news, not because he killed himself, but because he survived, and now he was depressed, a failure, and acripple since the train that should have killed him just took his legs. I know what it feels like to scream and not be heard, to refuse help, to be told to quit being silly, that it's just a phase. I have sat in a shrinks office resenting it every moment because I hadn't ASKED for the help, it had been forced upon me. i have pushed my panic button with all my might, and been disappointed with the lack of results. I know what it feels like to be mocked because the slits on your wrist march the wrong way. I know what it's like to watch your blood flow while you sister sleeps unknowing in the next room. I know what it's like to KNOW that you will lose respect from your friends, that they think less of you because you think less of yourself. The final image from A Brave New World was ideal to me. i wanted to be that guy. I wanted to say "fuck you life, this is ridiculous" and make it stop.


And that will color EVERYTHING in my life. Forever.


I also know what it's like to be held, to be safe, to be loved. I know what it's like to wake up and say, "damn, today's gonna be good." To suceed.


Such a short list. and yet, it's enough to keep me going.

Oh, how I love you all. Especially you, The Original King. I don't know why, but your addiction comforts me somehow. It makes me feel that everything is right with the world. How I can get that feeling from hearing of an addiction to suffering and despair, I'm not sure.

You all make me believe in humanity again. I wish I could say it's because you've come out the other side, but it's because you've tried not to.

I don't know how this post will be received. I'm sorry if it offends anyone. You all have a special place in my heart for what you've tried to do.

Thought about it a few times, but not too seriously... but almost did it once... and it would've worked, too... but i snapped around before hitting the button, and haven't had any thoughts like that since. (in case you're wondering, being strapped with enough explosives to blow up a car is kinda hard to live through)

damn dude. I'd like to hear the story behind that one day

Wow. So would I.

not yet, i enjoy life to much, well i dont acually enjoy it but i tolerate it just fine. ive thought about it but never attempted it. thought of bailin out of my car at speed into oncoming trafic, that would do it just fine.

Thought of it many times and i am kind of struggling with it these days but i dont think i could bring my self to do it.. i hope not.

You guys really need to help me out! I started this damn thread to try to find others who felt like me. I'm sick of feeling misunderstood and alone. I have never met anyone in person who is like me, which makes me feel like I'm even more a freak of nature. I can't be in a relationship because whoever my boyfriend is thinks I'm only trying to get attention, when I really just want help! I want someone who will know I'm sick and will care anyway, someone willing to be there even though I'm pessimistic and have absolutely no self worth.
I thought my current boyfriend would understand but he doesn't. He says things about myself that cut me to the bone. People always say "what do you want from me?" I want someone who won't give up on me as easily as I give up on myself but I guess that is to much to ask, it interfers with people's future plans. I want someone who will let me know that there is a reason to keep living.
People don't understand that I can't even imagine my life 5 yrs from now, I never have a sense of well being. I'm 19 and have been dealing with this for 8yrs, and I really don't know how much more I can take. Life is just gonna get harder and I'm too soft. No one is ever gonna accept me for me faults and all. Everyone says I'm too difficult, guess I'm not worth their time. My sheets have blood on them and I need to go wash them now. I wish I was gone. I wish even more I had a reason to live.

Jesus Don't Want Me For A Sunbeam

I'm Breaking Down, breaking down, gotta maintain

So shut your mouth, how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I'm human and I need to be loved
Just like everyone else does

Was anyone here ever had electroshock therapy? I'm seriously considering it and I know my grandmother had it. I come from a long line of sad people

I don't think there's ever been a post or statement that I've identified with more..

C/B perhaps its time for a more understanding b/f... they do exist, and you dont have to deal with one that doesnt.

As far as life goes, it generally toughens you up on its own, you are as tough as you need to be to survive, and if you arent, through a little bit of fighting, you get tougher.
Some of us have fought from the moment we were born.

Its fine to be difficult, none of us are simple, and we all have our complexities.

You may be a bit soft or sensitive, especially to peoples comments; tough skin comes from dealing with this kind of thing, a good sense of humour often follows.

On a final note, regarding Electro-Therapy, I wouldnt reccomend it, if memory serves me, its about as effective as flooding to relieve a phobia, and has some of the same negative side effects.

Perhaps a prescription would be best to resore a chemical balance in the brain, as that is what the problem sounds like. I'd see a doctor about it if I were you.

To those of you here who have struggled with this - Thankyou for sharing your stories. To you who are still dealing with depression and thoughts of suicide - Thankyou as well and I hope you find relief from your pain. To C/B I agree with numist - It's time for a new boyfriend who will help you not hurt you. Hugs hon.

Personally I have considered it when I went through some real depression. My depression was related to an abusive boyfriend as well as health problems. I got away from the boyfriend and then got medical help from my family Dr. I am glad to say I don't deal with that depression anymore.

My parents both attempted it. My father numerous times. At one point he was completely insane - He was hallucinating, did not know his own children for a time, could not even communicate normally with anyone. He was in his own world and he was GONE to my brother and I for 6 months (in the clinic that long). He had medical problems for sure. He's tried every antidepressant I think they've made. He attempted suicide 4 times before I attended college and got worse while I was away. I don't even know how many times he did that while I was away. They stopped accepting him at the mental health clinic he was such a frequent visitor and he ended up just going to the hospital to get his stomach pumped or whatever medical treatment he needed. Glad to say he hasn't attempted recently but I'm not a stranger to seeing him in tears. As a child and even now as adults my brother and I both deal with some resentment. We don't quite understand his reasons. To us it seemed like he just wanted attention. I know now it was at least in part because of the brain chemicals and how he's wired. It was also because of his environment when he was growing up.

I guess I can be glad to say that his attempts at least thus far have turned my brother and I off from making any attempts because we cannot even consider doing something that caused us so much pain.

I have several times... if i remember correctly i attempted 6 times by razor, 4 by drowning, and 1 by pills. I'm done with that now... i have nothing to die for. I realized something along the line too: people say that they're going to die anyway as a reason for suicide, but think of it this way... if there is something else after life it's not going anywhere, you might as well wait life out. And if there's nothing, doing yourself in is a terrible waste.

Tried, once. Temazepam. Didn't have the guts to go all the way through with it.

Wouldn't even cross my mind now. Still have to deal with the same ol' demons, but I have a life now, a wife that I love more than anything, a couple of purry kittens and a fluffy dog.

I am glad I did not miss out on everything that I have now. Little things with great meaning.

Don't take this personally, Crazy, but I honestly believe that people who suffer from depression and come across as if they're dealing with it, but speak of suicide in romanticizing words...they aren't dealing with jack shit. It is people like that that can tell you how much they prefer to live, and be dead the next morning. I know because I've been down that road, and hope I never go back.

Romanticizing it all disgusts me. Sharing stories in detail disgusts me. Not because of the details, but because of the pride that a lot of people seem to feel telling these stories. As if they're in competition somehow. Honestly, when I used to cut my arm, there was no pride to it, there was no beauty to it.

At the same time, though, I realize it is part of depression, and I don't look down on anyone for any of it, regardless of whether they're dealing with it or not. Depression is a tunnel that seems like it's never going to end, when you're walking in it.

Oh, and on another note...

There's really no need to blame people who want to die for wanting to die. There is no point in saying how selfish they are, and that all they are doing is hurting those who are left behind. Sure, those who survive will mourn; but such is life. The last thing a person suffering from depression or anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder or somesuch needs is to be told how selfish they are for not continuing to suffer, suffer, suffer.

That kind of talk in and as itself is selfish, and accomplishes nothing.

I been in the hole for some 20 or so years. Been in deep for about the past 10. I haven't attempted suicide for I know I could complet the task. Can't think anymore about this now

I came close. But a friend wouldn't let me borrow his gun. true story....true friend.