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Old 10-30-2003, 03:08 PM   #1 (permalink)
Loser
 
Location: In solitude
DEAD LIKE ME

Out of the fact fact that misery loves company, how many people on the tpf have attempted suicide? I myself have some wonderfully grotesque stories. Don't bother posting if you are already offened
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Old 10-30-2003, 03:10 PM   #2 (permalink)
lonely rolling star
 
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Location: Seattle.
Nineteen times. At least one of them had to have been successful. I ought to already be dead.
Oh and I'd like to hear one of your stories.
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Old 10-30-2003, 03:18 PM   #3 (permalink)
Loser
 
Location: In solitude
I don't like telling my stories because I don't want to encourage other people or sound like I'm bragging. But sounds like you need to stick around, maybe you got something good coming up, you don't know about yet!
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Old 10-30-2003, 03:19 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Location: Canada
That's something I would never even consider doing.
But if some people want to end their lives, good riddance.

I find it amazing that there are so many people that attempt suicide, but fail. Is it really that hard??
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Old 10-30-2003, 03:22 PM   #5 (permalink)
Loser
 
Location: In solitude
Well when they keep fuckin bringing you back to life it is
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Old 10-30-2003, 03:23 PM   #6 (permalink)
Loser
 
Location: In solitude
Fuckin doctors won't just leave you alone you know, oh wait you don't.
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Old 10-30-2003, 03:30 PM   #7 (permalink)
Here
 
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Location: Denver City Denver
Quote:
Originally posted by ninety09
That's something I would never even consider doing.
But if some people want to end their lives, good riddance.

I find it amazing that there are so many people that attempt suicide, but fail. Is it really that hard??
Um... due to the fact that we are a peacful bunch here at the TFP I am going to refrain from pointing out your ignorance.
But word to the wise... Think before you speak. Even if you are offending people that have attempted suicide (myself being six times) you are still offending a human.

And yes it can be hard. When you try let me know how well it works the first time. You get really scared... you sweat alot as the knife blade gets closer to your flesh. Most of it you won't remember when you wake up the next morning covered in you own blood. That's when you realize that the cuts weren't deep enough. You wrap your wounds and go about your day knowing that just like everything else in in life... you failed... you failed at death. Then about two or three nights later after a few drinks and a session of listening to all the songs that you've chosen as the ones that fit you best you try again... only this time you sharpen the knife first and make sure you get in good and deep. Cut after cut and blood flowing freely you pass.

Only to find yourself in a hospital bed. Your mother found you. That bitch. Why would she let you die in peace.

Life continues like this for years. Pills popped and razors dulled. Vodka, beer and blood become all you know. And really at this point. 4 years into it. The pain is becoming a really good friend. It's like a warm hug. So, nights pass with puddles besdie the bed and bathtub. And every morning you wake up wanting more.


But then again you wouldn't understand.
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Old 10-30-2003, 03:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Location: Canada
Sorry if I offended you, that wasn't my intention. It's just the way I see things..
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Old 10-30-2003, 03:55 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by Crazy/Beautiful
I don't like telling my stories because I don't want to encourage other people or sound like I'm bragging....
Sound like your bragging eh? I'm pretty sure trying to off yourself is nothing to brag about. Yeah, if you truly want to end it all, it is not that hard. Ask my buddy who stepped in front of that train, or my other friend, who just last week layed out in the middle of the road at night and got ran the fuck over , or the other guy I knew who blew his head off with a 30.06....There is a huge difference between seeing how far you can go, and actually doing it. As far as I go, there is not a reason on earth I would ever kill myself.
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Old 10-30-2003, 04:20 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Location: Clarkson U.
I dont think life could ever ever be that bad.

Also, little statistic, more women then guys attempt to commit suicide, but more guys actually do.

Guys tend to, like gutter pointed out, kill themselves in a single violent act. Women would rather go to sleep and never wake up... Hence them bringing a person "back to life"...
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Old 10-30-2003, 06:36 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Just a question but, if im not mistaken, suicide is "Illegal" Do you get fined for it? or do they just throw you in therapy?
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Old 10-30-2003, 07:33 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by Crazy/Beautiful
Well when they keep fuckin bringing you back to life it is
i guess it might be really sick of me... but this made me laugh harder than anything else all week.
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Old 10-30-2003, 09:45 PM   #13 (permalink)
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On a side note, World's King, I friggen love you, don't die. This might be a bit past any point when it might be useful, but your great.
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Old 10-30-2003, 10:20 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Yup. once. it was out of fury in my early teenage years and more of a situation of seeing how far i could go than seriously ending it all. But of all the times of contemplation that was the one time I seriously harmed myself, there's even a scar. It's a good thing though since when i contemplate it now or in the future it'll remind me how childish the attitude is to find a permanent solution for a temporary problem.
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Old 10-30-2003, 10:29 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Old 10-31-2003, 06:28 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Your only given one life, and unless your suffering from a terminal illness you have to realise that things change, and often for the better.Your dead a long fucking time.
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Old 10-31-2003, 07:01 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Location: Memphis
Ya know, I was interested in this thread having first-hand knowledge of the subject.

But with the amount of ignorant comments this thread has produced so far, I wonder why anyone who has suffered through a suicidal depression would want to open up.

World's King, I've always been impressed by the eloquence and thoughtfulness of your posts. I can identify with this one. Hope you can keep the black dog at bay.
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Old 10-31-2003, 08:44 AM   #18 (permalink)
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there were times where i seriously considered doing it... but never got to that point... i knew a couple people who did it in highschool...
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Old 10-31-2003, 10:00 AM   #19 (permalink)
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I had the trigger on my gun pulled, less than a mm more and it would have all been finished.


I often wonder what would have happened if I finished the job.
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Old 10-31-2003, 10:08 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by sipsake
Ya know, I was interested in this thread having first-hand knowledge of the subject.

But with the amount of ignorant comments this thread has produced so far, I wonder why anyone who has suffered through a suicidal depression would want to open up.
A couple of the posts have been rude, but I think that the problem is the wide gulf of understanding between those who have considered suicide and those who hadn't. I'm lucky to be in the second group.

I had considered posting earlier, since the stories are so compelling (especially World's King), but I had no idea what to say. You are correct, I don't understand.

But I hope to understand a bit more. I would put in a "hope you feel better" kind of statement here, but I realize that would be trite.
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Old 10-31-2003, 10:33 AM   #21 (permalink)
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One of my friends in high school tried to overdose, except he used Midol. I dont know what he was thinking, he had severe issues.
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Old 10-31-2003, 10:52 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Location: Memphis
Quote:
Originally posted by redlemon
I had considered posting earlier, since the stories are so compelling (especially World's King), but I had no idea what to say. You are correct, I don't understand.

But I hope to understand a bit more. I would put in a "hope you feel better" kind of statement here, but I realize that would be trite.
Thank you. And I do mean that...thank you.

My struggle with depression began in highschool...22 years ago before depression was understood as well as it is today.

After 3 months of feeling like hell, I swallowed a bottle of painkillers. I was found by my sister, taken to the hospital where my stomach was pumped and sent home with my parents. My doctor told them not to talk to me about it...it was just a "phase".

8 years later, while going through my first divorce I was hospitalized again. It was the first time a doctor diagnosed me with chronic depression.

Depression can be acute, as when someone losses a spouse, or a job. Or it can be chronic, reoccuring throughout one's life. It seems after the doctor did some talking to my family that I was genetically predisposed to the disease from both sides of the family tree.

What is being suicidally depressed like? It's a non-stop feeling of utter worthlessness. I'd wake up in the morning and feel like something or someone important in my life had died. It was a feeling of deep grief. I'd stumble through the day. The world was...grey, it lacked any color, taste or joy. Drinking made it worse. At night, I'd lay awake with a loop playing over and over in my mind of just how worthless I was. I couldn't make it stop. I'd cry at first but as I sunk lower, not even tears helped. So, I'd lay there in bed with a tape in the VCR playing over and over, just some familiar background noise to try and make my brain slow down, to make it be quiet for just a little while.

This went on for months.

I'd ignored most of my friends and family. I couldn't take one more, "for Christ's sake Kevin, pull yourself out of this." Crap, you think I wanted to live like that? Did they honestly think I wanted to be that way?

When I hit bottom, I honestly believed that everyone, my family, friends, even my 3 year old daughter, would be better off without me. Hell, I knew I was worthless, and I felt a total absence of hope. When you reach that point, suicide becomes a logical choice.

I remember getting the bottle of pills. I wasn't scared, I really had no feeling at that point. I just wanted life to end. I knew in a few years I'd be forgotten and it was a comforting thought. As for me, death couldn't be as bad as what I felt. Anything would've been an improvement. So, I swallowed them down, all 24 of them with a swig of red wine. Then I sat there. I didn't feel a damn thing. I'd expected something a little more melodramatic, I guess. Maybe writing a note to my daughter trying to explain.

I began thinking of my daughter. The most precious thing in my dismal world. I began thinking about how much this might hurt her. I got scared...what if she had the same misfortune to be born with a disease so few understood. Maybe I could help her.

I spent the next two weeks in a psychiatric hospital. Thanks to a fantastic psychiatrist, an understanding family, and a certain pharmaceutical, I came out the other side.

Was life as bad as it seemed? No. Could I do anything to convince myself of that while depressed? No.

People who are suicidal aren't weak. They aren't drama queens. They are screaming for help. You can't cheer them up and you can't heal them. But you can try and understand that they see no hope. And they need help. And it is deadly serious.
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Old 10-31-2003, 11:36 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Untill you are in the position where commiting suicide seems like the best choice in life; untill you are so depressed that you no longer want to wake up in the morning, no longer wish to do anything when you are awake, and no longer just want to continue; untill you can truely KNOW that you understand what it's like, kiss my fucking ass.

You don't know what it's like, and you can't understand untill you are there, there is no getting around this. I hope those of you who never do stay that way, it's not a fun mindstate to be in. If you ever get there, my heart goes out to you.

I'd also like to commend all the people here who have been there, pulled through, and are stronger people for it.
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Old 10-31-2003, 11:43 AM   #24 (permalink)
Loser
 
Location: In solitude
Quote:
Originally posted by GuttersnipeXL
Sound like your bragging eh? I'm pretty sure trying to off yourself is nothing to brag about. Yeah, if you truly want to end it all, it is not that hard. Ask my buddy who stepped in front of that train, or my other friend, who just last week layed out in the middle of the road at night and got ran the fuck over , or the other guy I knew who blew his head off with a 30.06....There is a huge difference between seeing how far you can go, and actually doing it. As far as I go, there is not a reason on earth I would ever kill myself.

Bragging as in some people like to get attention by using suicide as the way too. If you had ever been to a mental hospital you would understand how everyone sits there and compares notes. Yeah I would agree it's not that hard. I've put myself in a coma before, ain't arguing with you. Sounds like you should have been paying more attention to your friends than this website
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Old 10-31-2003, 11:45 AM   #25 (permalink)
Loser
 
Location: In solitude
Quote:
Originally posted by Mael
i guess it might be really sick of me... but this made me laugh harder than anything else all week.

No Offense taken! I was trying to be sacastic/funny. Somtimes it's the only thing you got to deal with stuff. But it seemed like a valid argument to me.
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Old 10-31-2003, 11:47 AM   #26 (permalink)
Loser
 
Location: In solitude
Quote:
Originally posted by Leviathan[NCV]
I had the trigger on my gun pulled, less than a mm more and it would have all been finished.


I often wonder what would have happened if I finished the job.


It doesn't matter now! Now you can help other people out who have depression too! I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'll hug the computer and pretend it is you.
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Old 10-31-2003, 11:51 AM   #27 (permalink)
Loser
 
Location: In solitude
Quote:
Originally posted by bennyb
Just a question but, if im not mistaken, suicide is "Illegal" Do you get fined for it? or do they just throw you in therapy?

No not illegal only in England, but the police do get involved. I've had first hand expeience with this shit. If you are under 18 they make sure you're not being abused by family or anything, try to see what caused it. But you can be committed under the courts. I hate mental hospitals but after they pumped my stomach, they put in the cop car and shipped me off, I was seventeen. A judge can determine how long your stay is also.
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Old 10-31-2003, 11:54 AM   #28 (permalink)
Loser
 
Location: In solitude
To everyone who has posted so far, I appreciate your honesty and sharing your stories with others. It is hard due to all the ignorance and stigma attachted to suicide. I hope this will give people more compassion and a better understanding of it, so hopefully suicides can be prevented in the future.
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Old 10-31-2003, 01:42 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Location: Lowerainland BC
I have a family member that did himself in a number of years ago. I'll never forgive him for doing what he did. Seeing how it affected his loved ones by his actions only shows me that suicide is a cop-out and only serves to hurt others.
I give full credit to people that thought about it and didn't go through with it and now deal with their depression.
Sorry if this is harsh, but reading this thread got me upset.
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Old 10-31-2003, 02:02 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Location: Memphis
Quote:
Originally posted by splck
suicide is a cop-out and only serves to hurt others.
I disagree with you on it being a cop-out. But I agree it hurts a lot of people.
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Old 10-31-2003, 02:41 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Location: N'York
Quote:
Originally posted by Crazy/Beautiful
...Sounds like you should have been paying more attention to your friends than this website
Hey, If I knew I coulda been there to save those poor bastards, you can bet I would have been. Two of them were out of state at college when it happened and the guy last week I hadn't seen in monthes...there was no way to contact him, he had disappeared, then i get to see it on the 11:00 o'clock news. It was absolutely crushing..... I have stopped a person from doing it by the way, and they are eternally grateful for it. I know when a person is super depressed, for me it's kind of obvious. All it took for me to get the guy from killing himself was an open ear. I sat with him for hours, just listening. That's it. He just needed to talk to somebody, he was so down and out, but I managed to snap him out of it. It took some time before he was 100%, but I was there for him. I take a lot of pride in that.


As far as this being a serious thread though, why do you refer to your attempts as "woderfully grotesque stories"? I don't get it.
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Old 10-31-2003, 04:39 PM   #32 (permalink)
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I've held out on posting in this thread for a long time, to see what direction it would take, but obviously I think its going in the right direction now.

I have thought of suicide only once in my life. It was, and always will be the lowest part of my life, and I'm glad now that I didn't actually act on my urges.

Background - I was a sophmore in HS when this happened, and I had been 'acting psychiatrist' for some of my friends. This is what I do, because a lot of people have their own issues to work out, and a lot of people don't trust someone who has an office. I have studied psychology for years, since middle school I was reading theory, so I have been doing this for quite a while.
My girlfriend was one of the people I was trying to help out at the time, and she had made a lot of progress. She was very introverted and severely damaged because of abuse (mental, physical, and sexual) from her father, and 2 occurrences of rape that happened less than 2 blocks from her home (both). When I found her she was ready to die. I watched her make her way back, its amazing how a human spirit can endure if you give it a little attention and care.
The school counselor (who I worked with closely and who had files on my friends because I'm not too proud to admit Im not a profesional) left on maternity leave, and a replacement was called in. Within 6 weeks, 3 of my friends were "medically separated" from the school (think: expulsion with a nicer name)

Alicia had to go back home.
She left in the middle of the night - I wasnt told that any of this was happening, and was unavailable when it did anyway.

She arrived in Hong Kong, and wrote me a card. I still have it. After a week, she committed suicide, and succeeded in her aim.

I was devastated, and felt shattered. I couldn't really deal with it for a while, I ran from it for so long, and whenever it caught up with me I was totally overwhelmed.

What brought me back to life was my current g/f (who wasn't at the time). It took her a year until she learned about it, and then another year to help me work through it (along with another friend of mine in HS, who does much the same for his friends as I do for mine). After that year, I started dating her, and continue to do so now, a year and a half later.

Now I'm back, better than ever, still living with the memory, but not controlled by it.

Suicide may seem like the easy way out to those who havent considered it, but once you have considered it you realize...

... in that position, it seems like the ONLY way out.

You do have to be there for someone when they are going through it. I have stopped a few people from committing suicide. They were very grateful. I still keep in contact with 2 of them, the others have gone their own way in life.

Last edited by numist; 11-04-2003 at 02:16 AM..
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Old 10-31-2003, 07:31 PM   #33 (permalink)
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I think something that is important to realize is that there are many chronic/permanent & difficult problems that people have that cannot be understood by people who have never experienced them. Suicide is just one of them. So please don't get angry if people don't understand. It does no good.

That said, I have never tried to commit suicide and have rarely thought of doing it. I had a good friend who killed himself in June 2003 for no apparent reason. At first I hated him for depriving us all of his presence. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it's hard to dig oneself out of a situation where you think the whole world sucks, no one cares about you, etc. (I used to believe this but wasn't considering suicide as a solution, FWIW... I guess I wasn't depressed enough.) So I decided that, at least he was hopefully not suffering any more.

So... all I can say is, thanks for believing and pulling yourself through, if you have attempted suicide. The world is better off because you believed.

Things get better. They always do. It's hard not to when you're so low you can only go up.
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Old 11-01-2003, 07:53 PM   #34 (permalink)
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Location: The capital of the free world??
Wow, this is the best thread I've read so far in TFP. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I have never atempted suicide but I have cut myself quite a few times. I think its really great knowing that we are not alone in feeling this way, and I intend to get help.

Really I don't have the words to express how great all of your stories are, they have really touched me.
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Old 11-01-2003, 09:02 PM   #35 (permalink)
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I really don't want to say I've considered suicide, but lately I have been thinking about it, I'm kinda concerned I am even thinking about it. Sometimes everything seems like an avalanche and all I have to dig myself out of the dirt is a broken shovel and a tired arm. My thought process refuses to let me ponder the thought for too long; I have a daughter who turns 1 November 30 who I love more than anything, and I think she'd be better off with me alive. Usually that thought gets me out of thinking bad thoughts like that for too long. But I understand why a person would do such a thing; if you see your life as the center of a storm of problems, your mind backs itself into a corner, and suicide becomes a solution in a world where solutions appear to be non-attainable.

I think this is a good thread (although the title is kind of dreary) and I hope to see it continue to be a positive one. I think this could be very helpful and encouraging to others, including myself.
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Old 11-02-2003, 09:43 AM   #36 (permalink)
Loser
 
Location: In solitude
Quote:
Originally posted by anleja
I really don't want to say I've considered suicide, but lately I I have a daughter who turns 1 November 30 who I love more than anything, and I think she'd be better off with me alive.


No you have to stay around for your daughter! She'll be hurt forever if you leave her and never understand it.
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Old 11-02-2003, 09:50 AM   #37 (permalink)
Loser
 
Location: In solitude
Quote:
Originally posted by splck
Seeing how it affected his loved ones by his actions only shows me that suicide is a cop-out and only serves to hurt others.
I give full credit to people that thought about it and didn't go through with it and now deal with their depression.
Sorry if this is harsh, but reading this thread got me upset.

Yeah not wanting to hurt other people, with my death is sometimes the only thing I have to keep going. Sometimes I feel completely alone and empty but then I'm afraid my family might too if I was gone and I just can't do that to them, they have been to way too much as it is.
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Old 11-02-2003, 09:53 AM   #38 (permalink)
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I thought about it once. I'd had a bad year and was just a little unbalanced, and had just failed a calculus exam. I got drunk, and then went and climbed a lookout tower in the middle of Perth. I ended up sitting there from 2AM until the sun rose, thinking about things. I'm glad I did it; now I know that I didn't jump.
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Old 11-02-2003, 10:12 AM   #39 (permalink)
Loser
 
Location: In solitude
Quote:
Originally posted by GuttersnipeXL

As far as this being a serious thread though, why do you refer to your attempts as "woderfully grotesque stories"? I don't get it.

Well right off the bat you come here and tell everyone on the board that it can't be that hard to commit suicide, if you really wanted to? Do you know how wrong that is to tell people with suicidal thoughts?! I've had to put up with people like you my whole life! Guess what? Part of the whole getting better deal is to try NOT to kill yourself, and then people like you come along and act like "oh they're not serious, otherwise they would have done it by now" so don't talk to me about being serious when you post messages like that.

I'm glad you didn't tell anybody you helped save that. I'm sorry I was harsh about your friends that was out of line but jeez I know people who have stepped out in front of a train too, but I don't tell other people, oh by the way try this because it's fool proof. Why didn't you just post about helping save your friends that you could? That would have been alot more helpful and let everyone know you cared. I know it was to be difficult losing friends and not knowing why they did that too themselves but don't get mad and take it out on other people.

And why do I say "wonderfully grotesque stories" because as a real person that's how I talk and sometimes just typing shit in doesn't convey a personality at all. And I'm being sarcastic which I also can't show on a computer, my stories aren't wonderful at all. I didn't have to wait till I as in college to become depressed I have been since I was 11 yrs. old I have a genetic disordor, I have a disease! Try watching an 11 year old girl in a mental instituion, the best way I can describe that is wonderfully grostesque. It's so disturbing I'll never be able to get over all the stuff I've been through.

It's like having cancer, I can't just think about being happy really hard and it will go away. It never will! I will be on large quanitites of medication my entire life and I still have serve relapses. I'm now seriously considering electroshock therapy, to help me. It's nobodies fault I'm like this but when people minimilize everything I've had to work towards and fight towards my entire life, I can't take it! Don't belittle people you don't know!

Yes it would be easy enough for me to kill myself, I have the scars, internal liver damage, heart damage, brain damage for that matter. But I'm trying NOT too do that! Don't you understand? Feel lucky that you HAVE the ability to pull yourself out of funks. Some don't and get to feel like freaks of nature their entire lives!
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Old 11-02-2003, 12:39 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Location: Tampa
If life ever gets so bad that you really want to commit suicide, why don't you just lose all your inhibitions and do all the crazy things you can think of that youre not supposed to do, like walk around in public naked. I mean, if you're really that serious about killing yourself then nothing should really hold you back right? Besides it might give you a real flavor for life.

Btw: I've contemplated it but I realized the only way to go from rock bottom is straight up.

Last edited by yellowgowild; 11-02-2003 at 12:48 PM..
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