phredgreen

okay kiddies. for those of you who remember, this is the same bird that i talked about back in my big relationship dilemma thread back on v3. for those of you who don't, i'll give you the short short version.

met a girl. we got together. she cheated, i forgave. we got pregnant. we got married. she camwhored, i caught her. i sent her and the baby away to her mom's, where the baby would have its needs taken care of (and has).

and now, as paul harvey would say, the rest of the story.


i was served with divorce papers back in march. according to oregon state bar information, if there is no problems with the paperwork, no repsonse is needed. so, i sat on this paperwork and waited. i simply cannot afford a lawyer to fight this and mount massive law fees on my already steaming pile of debt, so against most advisement, i'm going this alone, legally.

so it is mid-october, seven months later, and still nothing from the courts. i haven't heard word one as to any hearings or trial dates, i'm completely in the dark. my ex is making up for the complete lack of any communication from the courts with her own communications, a litany of lies, threats, insults, and constant prodding against me, my character, my family, and my general existence on this planet. she asserts that she will "bleed me dry," that she will leave me "penniless and homeless" once the courts are done with me. now her mother has hired a lawyer who plants many ideas into my dear ex wife's head, more for the increase of the legal bill than for the betterment of the situation. all of this leads up to a point where i am no longer willing to go on with the game, to allow her any more control over my life, to give her a constant leash at which she can tug and choke me because she feels inadequate that she cannot sustain a monogamous relationship.

and because of all this, because of her incessant threats of financial and psychological ruin, i'm ready to walk away. i'm ready to close the door, lock the bolt, and throw the key out of the window as i drive away. to be honest, i'm not much of my little girl's life anyways. an occasional call, normally ending up with my ex on the line shouting obscenities before i hang up, but that is it. i've already missed first steps, first words, hell, most of the formative years of this child's life, i feel like nothing more than an abstract concept that this child barely remembers, let alone cares about. i have no desire to continue to be my ex's toy, another thing for her to control. i'm just about done.

so i'm not sure what i'm looking for in starting a thread. maybe a "hell yeah, go for it" or a "gee, phred, that dosen't sound like a good idea" - i just don't know. i just wanna say what i wanna say, to get it out in the open. i'm tired of being played by someone who i sent away from my life more than a year ago. enough is enough.

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My country is the world, and my religion is to do good.
- Thomas Paine

JadziaDax

phred,

This is exactly why I didn't allow lawyers to get involved in my divorce. I didn't need them telling my ex what he was entitled to or putting stupid thoughts in his gullible empty head.

I know someone else who is having some serious problems with the ex (she keeps stalling things and stating she is entitled to things she is not - did she speak with a lawyer?)...

But before you make any decisions, you need to ask yourself if you can live with walking away knowing it means you will NEVER be a part of your daughter's life. It's a rough decision to have to make.

Have you looked into Legal Aid? There are lawyers available for free for people who qualify (so at least you might have a fighting chance).

Also, make sure you keep the transcripts of all her threats and stupidity. It may be helpful if you decide to stand up to her and fight.

I may be a woman, but I will not stand for selfish, self-centered, holier-than-thou bitches like this one who think they can hold a child over your head. It's wrong to do this to the baby. It's so incredibly wrong that it infuriates me to no end that a woman could give birth and then treat the baby like an object, like a pawn...

ARGH!!!

damhna

That's a bit of a cunt , in more ways than one.
Its a crying shame about your daughter but lets look at teh situation with a little perspective. She has very little power over what is going to happen to you , lawyer or no .

Lets take a worst case scenario shall we

First up Child Support
Fill This In


Alimony:

ALIMONY/MAINTENANCE/SPOUSAL SUPPORT: Either spouse may be ordered to pay spousal support to the other spouse, without regard to marital fault. The factors for consideration are: (1) the need for and the time necessary to acquire sufficient education and training to enable the spouse to find appropriate employment to become self-supporting and that spouse's future earning capacity; (2) the standard of living during the marriage; (3) the duration of the marriage; (4) the comparative financial resources of the spouses, including their comparative earning abilities in the labor market; (5) the tax consequences to each spouse; (6) the age of the spouses; (7) the physical and emotional conditions of the spouses; (8) the usual occupation of the spouses during the marriage; (9) the vocational skills and employability of the spouse seeking support; (10) any custodial and child support responsibilities; (11) the educational level of each spouse at the time of the marriage and at the time the divorce is filed for; (12) any life insurance; (13) the costs of health care; (14) the extent that a spouse's earning capacity is impaired due to absence from the job market to be homemaker and the extent that job opportunities are unavailable considering the age of the spouse and the anticipated length of time for appropriate training; (15) the contribution of each spouse to the marriage, including services rendered in homemaking, childcare, education, and career-building of the other spouse; (16) any long-term financial obligations, including legal fees; (17) any child support obligations; and (18) any other factor the court deems just and equitable. If a spouse has been out of the job market for a long time while acting as homemaker and the other spouse has an economically advantageous position due to joint efforts of both spouses, spousal support will be awarded as compensation. The spouse receiving spousal support must make a reasonable effort to become self-supporting within 10 years or the support may be terminated. The court may order the spouse to pay the support to carry life insurance with the other spouse as beneficiary. In addition, a spouse may have a right to continued health insurance coverage under the other spouse's policy. [Oregon Revised Statutes; Volume 2, Sections 107.036, 107.105, 107.412, and 743.600].


Look at the factors , it doesnt sound like you were married very long ?


Have a read of this


Advice,

Get yourself a lawyer.
Anyone will do , all you need him for is to check the status right now.
You dont know if she has filed any petitions or not.
You NEED to know.

A Thought :

Sue for sole custody ?
Dig up some dirt on this bitch.

General,
Dont freak , shes pissed off and trying to scare you .
But you need to get your head out of the sand , this isnt going to go away and you need to educate yourself as to how to defend yourself.


Let me say that again
It aint going to go away.
Dont Ignore it.

lurkette

I agree with JadziaDax's suggestion about legal aid. There are a lot of lawyers who will work pro bono or on a sliding fee scale, and as much as you want to just slam this book closed, you'd better settle the terms now or deal with the financial consequences later. Whether you want to completely distance yourself from the woman or not, you'll probably have to be financially responsible for your daughter, and it would be better to make sure that that is settled now with the benefit of legal advice for you.

This whole thing sucks and you have my complete sympathy.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

tekaweni

Hi phred,

I dont know the USA legal system but like lurkette says, I'd definitely take Jadz's advice and talk to Legal Aid. (trend emerging here)

You <b>have</b> to get clued up otherwise the lady is going to take you to the cleaners even though you're the innocent party. Dont be too much of a nice guy.

And I'm really sorry to hear about your predicament.

__________________
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten

LewisCouch

Sorry to hear about your troubles. I went through most off what you describe when my son was about six months old. Deal with this woman now on your terms, don't let her run roughshod or you will suffer poorly. I suggest that you find some way to pay for a good divorce attorney. A good/connected attorney will work wonders for you. Do not, I repeat, do not go it alone. You will lose and you will lose big. If you like you can PM me and I can give you at least two names of a couple of very good attorneys here in the Portland area. At the very least, an inexpensive consultation is warranted. Good luck.

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"The gift of liberty is like that of a horse, handsome, strong, and high-spirited. In some it arouses a wish to ride; in many others, on the contrary, it increases the desire to walk."

-- Massimo d'Azeglio

meff

I will just have to put in my "good luck" into this one..

To tell you what happened to me would be a whole other thread..

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Toy-like people make me boy-like.

cj2112

Phred, I am a full time single dad of two of the most incredible children ever to set foot on the face of this planet. (ok i might be just a little biased)

I have full custody of my children, ages 10 and 7, and have had since they were 4 and 21 months. Their mother has completely walked out of their lives, and truthfully it's just not fair to them. I'm not gonna go on a rant here about what kind of woman i think she is for doing this, but I will say that it is the only source of ill feelings i harbor towards her. Watching my 10 y.o. daughter cry herself to sleep over this at times, has really opened my eyes dramatically. Your child deserves you to make an effort to be a part of her life, regardless of your issues w/ your ex. You have a moral obligation to be the best parent you can be to her. I won't rant any more about that because it's not my intent to beat you up about this, but rather to give you insight from the other side.

As far as the legal issues go, you NEED an attorney, you also NEED to contact the court, inform them of your receipt of the papers and ask if there is any reason that you haven't received a judgment in this case, or if there is anything you need to be doing to get this done and over with.

sexymama

Phred -- I too raised twins who's mother walked out of their lives. I watched their hurt and pain as they grew up wondering why I could love them and raise them when their bilogical mother wouldn't. They are great young men now -- but still have unresolved issues.

That said, I also recently divorced. We were lucky enough to not involve lawyers. At the forefront of both our minds was best said by cj2112.

I agree with several others, look into legal aid. Do what you can do. But please, don't punish your daughter just because your ex is a bitch.

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If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

BonesCPA

"No fault" divorces can be "simple." Add a child into the mix and we are talking a different story. You need to be informed of what is happening in the process, otherwise you may be forced into child support that you can't afford. Have you ever heard of a "deadbeat dad?" Even if you walk away, this could follow you forever - if you don't pay court ordered support, you at least lose tax refunds, and potentially could face jail time (do I hear "federal pound me in the ass prison").

It is a bad situation, obviously. You need to find out what is going on from the courts, and almost definitely need an attorney. If you make too much for legal aid, bite the bullet and pay an attorney to represent you. You may be able to "control" the hours spent on the case by assisting with the process, but you can't walk in blind or you will end up paying for this for many years (literally and figuratively.)

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Back into hibernation.

skysooner

I'm not sure why you think that you weren't part of the formative years. Yes, you weren't there for the first steps, but you can be there for her when it really counts. Don't let this woman destroy what should be one of the most important relationships in your life. Yes, it is going to be difficult and at times unpleasant having to deal with your ex, but I fully believe that it takes two parents to help raise a very well-adjusted child. I'm sure it is possible without both, but this woman does not sound like the type that could do it.