grandkids - wtf?!? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

lurkette · 07-30-2003, 06:13 AM

So maybe some of the elder TFP-ers (or those with kids) can help me understand why people with adult children seem to have this insane drive for grandchildren? What is behind this? Is it the urge to spoil and snuggle someone cute for which you have no real responsibility? Is it an evolutionary drive to be sure your genes really do get passed on beyond your own kids? Is it some sadistic means of torturing your adult kids? My mom is pretty laid back about the whole thing, but my dad and my in-laws seem to be incapable of holding an entire conversation without suggesting that I've pissed around long enough, and where are the grandbabies already?!? (And it is usually aimed at me, the woman, rather than my husband. Why?!?)

denim · 07-30-2003, 06:29 AM

I'm not only childless, but woman-less, so take this with a grain (or ton) of salt, but

Would suggesting to them that nagging is not likely to help, work? They sound like the in-laws in "The Norm".

tinfoil · 07-30-2003, 06:30 AM

hehe.. Uhhh huh...

The cuteness without the responsibility. It's all the good things about children without none of the negatives.

Cynthetiq · 07-30-2003, 08:25 AM

thank god my sister had a child... takes some presure off... for the moment, but soon it's going to be, doesn't he need a cousin?

ratbastid · 07-30-2003, 09:46 AM

lurkette's asking this, at least in part, because I haven't had my annual "Mom, cool it!" conversation yet... And because we're headed out there for a visit in a few weeks....

denim · 07-30-2003, 11:39 AM

Well, what's keeping you? But it seems to me that it's her job to speak with her own parents, no?

lurkette · 07-30-2003, 11:42 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by denim
Well, what's keeping you? But it seems to me that it's her job to speak with her own parents, no?

I do tell my Dad to back off, but the main culprit is my mother-in-law, whom I love dearly but can't seem to tell off properly

denim · 07-30-2003, 11:45 AM

How quickly did she have kids after she married her husband?

ratbastid · 07-30-2003, 11:48 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by denim
How quickly did she have kids after she married her husband?

They had me about four years after they were married. So by their clock, lurkette and I are about four years late.

denim · 07-30-2003, 11:58 AM

Okay, so that's not a good argument, then. Did they get crap from their parents/in-laws?

Charlatan · 07-30-2003, 12:13 PM

Rat and Lurkette... do you actually plan on having kids one day? If so, just tell them you're keeping them in suspense...

If not just tell them outright that you won't be having any children. That'll get them to back off.

twotimesadingo · 07-30-2003, 12:26 PM

Lurkette, you could mention that you're barren, that Rat has known all along, and watch the hilarity that ensues...

I jest, I jest. Tell them you're not ready, and that the last thing in the world you want is to raise their grandchildren improperly. I'm sure you've already said as much -- you're a very bright girl -- but I've noticed it makes a difference when you alter the pronoun.
"your (their) grandchildren" is more applicable to them then "my (your) children."

Hope that helps maybe a little.

clavus · 07-30-2003, 01:30 PM

Tell them you are "trying..but...but..." then break down into tears and leave the room.

They'll stop asking.

lurkette · 07-30-2003, 01:46 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by clavus
Tell them you are "trying..but...but..." then break down into tears and leave the room.

They'll stop asking.

I wish. I tried using my genetic disorder carrier status as an excuse, and my mother-in-law has gone so far as to investigate genetic screening and in vitro fertilization - where, when, how, and how much it costs. She practically offered to pay for it. I can't imagine a little thing like infertility would stop her - she's genuinely a sweetheart and would want, with the very best of clueless intentions, to help us figure out a way to make things work.

Rodney · 07-30-2003, 02:40 PM

Why do moms and mother-in-laws pressure? Good question, my mother did. And when my wife and I raised the very valid issue that we were realistically too old, Mom suggested adoption.

Must not be enough for some women to have kids; they feel like failures if their _kids_ don't have kids and carry on the line. Neither my sister or I had children, and it about drove my mother crazy.

Now mind you, this is the woman who can't stand to have a family with a squalling infant sit anywhere near her in a restaurant. Who tried a short stint as a nanny -- three weeks -- and gave it up as too much trouble. Whose own mother's most fervent advice to her upon moving out was "Don't have children" (Grandma had seven). But Mom wanted _us_ to have children. I hesitate to say "Misery loves company," because Mom loved us and was good to us. But sometimes I wonder...

The only thing I might suggest: somehow, it sounds like your in-law and your dad are getting to you, at least to the point where you dread these conversations. I say, try to start treating it like a joke. And actually, it is a joke. They're trying to make you value yourself only as someone who can and will have children. And that's actually a very silly attitude that deserves little respect. Unless you have a farm and need cheap labor or something....

Slims · 07-30-2003, 03:55 PM

I think it's because having grandkids means that their jobs are 'done'.

JStrider · 07-30-2003, 03:58 PM

tell them yall had a kid... but didnt like it so yall sold it on the black market... or keep it locked in the basement... and that yall dont want to have a repeat...

ok just kidding... i dont really know what to tell ya... im the oldest in my family... i wouldnt be surprised if i got that treatment for a while... once im married for a few years...

07-31-2003, 09:39 AM

Probaby not the solution she's looking for :wink: __^__^__

We're getting the same thing, and we're not even married. It's coming from her side of the family. I think her mom wants her to get knocked up just so she can legitimately attempt to force marriage on us. It started when her older sister got pregnant and has pretty much prevented her mother from pulling the "Marie" instincts out (random Everybody loves Raymond reference, sorry). The next day she called me and said "when are you going to help me be a grandmother"....

Not "Do you and NaMeDeLeTeD every plan on having children" or "So are you planning a wedding soon?" - it was completely selfish. I made the mistake of joking with "Why would i do that when i just paid $400 for an abortion?"

Ok - so it took a few weeks to smooth that out.

denim · 07-31-2003, 09:52 AM

Ow. Ow. (bites lip) Ow.

Zing!

shaman · 07-31-2003, 10:15 AM

I got so annoyed when my wife and I were engaged that she had to stop me from offering to show off my vasectomy scar. Don't have one, but hey.

Really if you aren't planning to have, you need to break that to them, if it is a matter of waiting, back to what Twotimesadingo said. or you can always use the guilt card, "we want to be in a position where we can spend as much as or more time with our children" depending on how much your inlaws and dad worked.
Especially effective on workaholic fathers or women who feel guilty about working while you were little.

So when did they stop making the "it'll hapen soon, just you see" comments and start with the nagging? That was the one that pissed me off, no there is birth control.

Kids are great, when you want them, when you can afford them, and when you are ready to be a good parent.

07-30-2003, 06:13 AM	#1 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	grandkids - wtf?!? So maybe some of the elder TFP-ers (or those with kids) can help me understand why people with adult children seem to have this insane drive for grandchildren? What is behind this? Is it the urge to spoil and snuggle someone cute for which you have no real responsibility? Is it an evolutionary drive to be sure your genes really do get passed on beyond your own kids? Is it some sadistic means of torturing your adult kids? My mom is pretty laid back about the whole thing, but my dad and my in-laws seem to be incapable of holding an entire conversation without suggesting that I've pissed around long enough, and where are the grandbabies already?!? (And it is usually aimed at me, the woman, rather than my husband. Why?!?) __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

07-30-2003, 06:30 AM	#3 (permalink)
tinfoil Fucking Hostile Location: Springford, ON, Canada	hehe.. Uhhh huh... The cuteness without the responsibility. It's all the good things about children without none of the negatives. __________________ Get off your fuckin cross. We need the fuckin space to nail the next fool martyr.

07-30-2003, 08:25 AM	#4 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	thank god my sister had a child... takes some presure off... for the moment, but soon it's going to be, doesn't he need a cousin? __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

07-30-2003, 12:13 PM	#11 (permalink)
Charlatan Getting it. Super Moderator Location: Lion City	Rat and Lurkette... do you actually plan on having kids one day? If so, just tell them you're keeping them in suspense... If not just tell them outright that you won't be having any children. That'll get them to back off. __________________ "My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars." - Old Man Luedecke

07-30-2003, 12:26 PM	#12 (permalink)
twotimesadingo Psycho Location: that place with the thing	Lurkette, you could mention that you're barren, that Rat has known all along, and watch the hilarity that ensues... I jest, I jest. Tell them you're not ready, and that the last thing in the world you want is to raise their grandchildren improperly. I'm sure you've already said as much -- you're a very bright girl -- but I've noticed it makes a difference when you alter the pronoun. "your (their) grandchildren" is more applicable to them then "my (your) children." Hope that helps maybe a little. __________________ I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and all your demons. I'll be the one to protect you from a will to survive and voice of reason. I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and your choices, son. They're one and the same I must isolate you, isolate and save you from yourself." - A Perfect Circle

07-30-2003, 06:29 AM	#2 (permalink)
denim Banned Location: Massachusetts, USA	I'm not only childless, but woman-less, so take this with a grain (or ton) of salt, but Would suggesting to them that nagging is not likely to help, work? They sound like the in-laws in "The Norm".

07-30-2003, 09:46 AM	#5 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	lurkette's asking this, at least in part, because I haven't had my annual "Mom, cool it!" conversation yet... And because we're headed out there for a visit in a few weeks....

07-30-2003, 11:39 AM	#6 (permalink)
denim Banned Location: Massachusetts, USA	Well, what's keeping you? But it seems to me that it's her job to speak with her own parents, no?

07-30-2003, 11:45 AM	#8 (permalink)
denim Banned Location: Massachusetts, USA	How quickly did she have kids after she married her husband?

07-30-2003, 11:58 AM	#10 (permalink)
denim Banned Location: Massachusetts, USA	Okay, so that's not a good argument, then. Did they get crap from their parents/in-laws?

07-30-2003, 01:30 PM	#13 (permalink)
clavus pow! Location: NorCal	Tell them you are "trying..but...but..." then break down into tears and leave the room. They'll stop asking. __________________ Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

07-30-2003, 02:40 PM	#15 (permalink)
Rodney Observant Ruminant Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town	Why do moms and mother-in-laws pressure? Good question, my mother did. And when my wife and I raised the very valid issue that we were realistically too old, Mom suggested adoption. Must not be enough for some women to have kids; they feel like failures if their _kids_ don't have kids and carry on the line. Neither my sister or I had children, and it about drove my mother crazy. Now mind you, this is the woman who can't stand to have a family with a squalling infant sit anywhere near her in a restaurant. Who tried a short stint as a nanny -- three weeks -- and gave it up as too much trouble. Whose own mother's most fervent advice to her upon moving out was "Don't have children" (Grandma had seven). But Mom wanted _us_ to have children. I hesitate to say "Misery loves company," because Mom loved us and was good to us. But sometimes I wonder... The only thing I might suggest: somehow, it sounds like your in-law and your dad are getting to you, at least to the point where you dread these conversations. I say, try to start treating it like a joke. And actually, it is a joke. They're trying to make you value yourself only as someone who can and will have children. And that's actually a very silly attitude that deserves little respect. Unless you have a farm and need cheap labor or something....

07-30-2003, 03:55 PM	#16 (permalink)
Slims Eccentric insomniac Location: North Carolina	I think it's because having grandkids means that their jobs are 'done'. __________________ "Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill "All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

07-30-2003, 03:58 PM	#17 (permalink)
JStrider Poo-tee-weet? Location: The Woodlands, TX	tell them yall had a kid... but didnt like it so yall sold it on the black market... or keep it locked in the basement... and that yall dont want to have a repeat... ok just kidding... i dont really know what to tell ya... im the oldest in my family... i wouldnt be surprised if i got that treatment for a while... once im married for a few years... __________________ -=JStrider=- ~Clatto Verata Nicto

07-31-2003, 09:39 AM	#18 (permalink)
smithja0423 Guest	Probaby not the solution she's looking for :wink: __^__^__ We're getting the same thing, and we're not even married. It's coming from her side of the family. I think her mom wants her to get knocked up just so she can legitimately attempt to force marriage on us. It started when her older sister got pregnant and has pretty much prevented her mother from pulling the "Marie" instincts out (random Everybody loves Raymond reference, sorry). The next day she called me and said "when are you going to help me be a grandmother".... Not "Do you and NaMeDeLeTeD every plan on having children" or "So are you planning a wedding soon?" - it was completely selfish. I made the mistake of joking with "Why would i do that when i just paid $400 for an abortion?" Ok - so it took a few weeks to smooth that out.

07-31-2003, 09:52 AM	#19 (permalink)
denim Banned Location: Massachusetts, USA	Ow. Ow. (bites lip) Ow. Zing!

07-31-2003, 10:15 AM	#20 (permalink)
shaman Crazy	I got so annoyed when my wife and I were engaged that she had to stop me from offering to show off my vasectomy scar. Don't have one, but hey. Really if you aren't planning to have, you need to break that to them, if it is a matter of waiting, back to what Twotimesadingo said. or you can always use the guilt card, "we want to be in a position where we can spend as much as or more time with our children" depending on how much your inlaws and dad worked. Especially effective on workaholic fathers or women who feel guilty about working while you were little. So when did they stop making the "it'll hapen soon, just you see" comments and start with the nagging? That was the one that pissed me off, no there is birth control. Kids are great, when you want them, when you can afford them, and when you are ready to be a good parent.