Unsure about relationship - is it ending? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Catchphrase · 07-18-2011, 09:50 PM

Hi there,

I've recently been thinking a lot about whether or not my relationship should end or if I'm just overreacting to everything going on.

I recently started dating a girl who I met in my dorm at the beginning of last year. We've known each other for about a year now and began dating in April. The problem is that she doesn't live here so is from another country and only comes here for 8 months out of the year (the other 4 she is back home). She left in May to go back home and we both missed each other a lot, we talked every day for hours on end about pretty much everything.

I missed her so much that I went down to visit her at home and she introduced me to her parents and all her friends. We both had a great time and are very attached to each other but when I returned home I felt terrible, worse than I did before I went up to see her.

I miss her now more than I did before and I'm not happy as a result. It feels as if we aren't talking as much as we used to even though we talk every day and she tells me that she loves me and misses me terribly and how much she needs me.

She comes back here for school at the beginning of September but is going away with her family in August so she won't be able to Skype over the computer or text (lack of signal and it's very expensive for the both of us). She has recently told me that she is a very needy person and needs to have communication and physical contact and that not being able to talk to her isn't very boyfriendy even though I can't do anything about her going away and it's too expensive to come back down to visit her (she's an international student).

I told her that it's going to be tough but it's just one more month and that I have to suffer through it as well but we will make it through. She said she knows and just wants me to be there for her for when she returns and that she loves me and will make it through but I just can't help but feel as if she doesn't really love me.

I saw her conversation with a friend over facebook chat (yes I was on her account the time that she had it and it was just because I was paranoid as to how she really feels, I don't ever go into her account this is one of the only times). Anyways, I saw her conversation when it happened and she was telling her friend how not being able to talk isn't very relationshipy and whats the point of being with someone when you can't talk to them. Her friend (who I met) told her that she should be single and would probably be happier that way because she misses me so much now.

I asked her if she told any of her friends about the questions she was having about us and whether or not she would be able to last the rest of the summer and she told me that she had told no one and that it was our business.

This shocked be because I know that she lied straight to me (maybe because she didn't want to hurt me) and when I told her I didn't believe her and to tell me the truth she said she never told anyone but proceeded to log onto her facebook account and change her password (to prevent me from logging in and reading the conversation).

I then proceeded to ask her if she truly loves me and she said yes so I asked her why she is questioning if she can make it. I told her that when I say I love someone it means I will do and go through anything for them no matter how hard it is and she told me she was just being silly and will make it through the summer.

I am concerned that she doesn't love me and is just confused and doesn't know what she wants. I feel like she doesn't want to hurt me or herself because she is a needy person who needs to be in a relationship. The only problem is that since she is an international student she will never have this proper relationship for years because she will never be in one place all the time and neither will her boyfriend.

TL; DR -> I love her very much and just want the summer to end but I don't know if she's mature enough to stay in a relationship with. I feel like she is confused and that if she truly loved me then she wouldn't be questioning us or her love for me to last the rest of the summer.

I am very worried, I don't want to be alone but I also don't want to be unhappy.

Any insight would be great thank you

AbelG · 07-19-2011, 02:55 AM

First of all, how old is she? Because based from your statements, it seems that your girl way of thinking is of a teen. That would mean that she isn't mature enough to cling on a set-up that you want. Though, you should trust what she said but not up to the point that you trust her with all your life. Why don't you try to divert your attention to other fruitful things? I guess you missed her so much because you are used to being with her. That's just a suggestion.

The_Jazz · 07-19-2011, 05:24 AM

If you truly loved her, you wouldn't snoop. You hacked her Facebook account and saw stuff that you weren't meant to see. It's not like you discovered she was actually cheating on you; you saw a private conversation. Then you played police detective to try to catch her in a lie. You set yourself up for failure.

You violated her trust. My guess is that you're broken up already but she doesn't want to waste the time and money to tell you. It's not like accessing her Facebook account was a one-time thing. You admitted as much. That said, once was too many times in my book.

Basically, you're the bad guy here. You're trying to make her look bad because she "lied". She didn't lie, dude. If I'd have been in her position, I'd have broken up with you immediately just based on that. Not cool. Obviously, my answer to your first question of "should it end" is yes, but not because of anything to do with her. You clearly have trust and boundary issues and probably need to work on those before you get involved with anyone else. It's kind of ironic that you're questioning her maturity when she's the one behaving like an adult throughout.

Sorry to be blunt, but you asked. Maybe you'll learn something.

chinese crested · 07-19-2011, 09:13 AM

Ditto on the facebook snooping. I think she is prety certain you snooped. Not nice. So she confided in a friend - just as you are now confiding in strangers - sometimes you just need someone to bounce a conversation off of.

Quote:

She comes back here for school at the beginning of September but is going away with her family in August so she won't be able to Skype over the computer or text (lack of signal and it's very expensive for the both of us). She has recently told me that she is a very needy person and needs to have communication and physical contact and that not being able to talk to her isn't very boyfriendy even though I can't do anything about her going away and it's too expensive to come back down to visit her (she's an international student).

This may shock you, but young people in love and seperated by distance have, in the past, put pen to paper and written their thoughts, their dreams, their longings, oh how their heart aches. Then they would put them in an envelope, put on a stamp and post them to their love.

dlish · 07-19-2011, 11:19 AM

This one did it for me....

Quote:

Originally Posted by Catchphrase

I saw her conversation with a friend over facebook chat (yes I was on her account the time that she had it and it was just because I was paranoid as to how she really feels, I don't ever go into her account this is one of the only times).

One of the only times? so you've admitted that you've done it numerous times. You've shown yourself to be an obsessive boyfriend and you freaked her out with your insistence.

Id have dumped you on the spot too. She doesnt need needy people hanging on at such a young age..this relationship is going nowhere...fast.

It seems like you got some growing up to you..how old are you kids anyways?

Iliftrocks · 07-26-2011, 08:47 AM

Hormones racing through the body make one pretty unstable, emotionally. I remember the neediness and urgency of young love. I hope I NEVER feel like that again.

It's most likely over, so just go cry and then get on with your life. Someone new will come along soon and break your heart again.

One day you will get over all of this, and find yourself in a healthy relationship, unless you hold onto bitterness, and betrayal...

07-18-2011, 09:50 PM	#1 (permalink)
Catchphrase Upright	Unsure about relationship - is it ending? Hi there, I've recently been thinking a lot about whether or not my relationship should end or if I'm just overreacting to everything going on. I recently started dating a girl who I met in my dorm at the beginning of last year. We've known each other for about a year now and began dating in April. The problem is that she doesn't live here so is from another country and only comes here for 8 months out of the year (the other 4 she is back home). She left in May to go back home and we both missed each other a lot, we talked every day for hours on end about pretty much everything. I missed her so much that I went down to visit her at home and she introduced me to her parents and all her friends. We both had a great time and are very attached to each other but when I returned home I felt terrible, worse than I did before I went up to see her. I miss her now more than I did before and I'm not happy as a result. It feels as if we aren't talking as much as we used to even though we talk every day and she tells me that she loves me and misses me terribly and how much she needs me. She comes back here for school at the beginning of September but is going away with her family in August so she won't be able to Skype over the computer or text (lack of signal and it's very expensive for the both of us). She has recently told me that she is a very needy person and needs to have communication and physical contact and that not being able to talk to her isn't very boyfriendy even though I can't do anything about her going away and it's too expensive to come back down to visit her (she's an international student). I told her that it's going to be tough but it's just one more month and that I have to suffer through it as well but we will make it through. She said she knows and just wants me to be there for her for when she returns and that she loves me and will make it through but I just can't help but feel as if she doesn't really love me. I saw her conversation with a friend over facebook chat (yes I was on her account the time that she had it and it was just because I was paranoid as to how she really feels, I don't ever go into her account this is one of the only times). Anyways, I saw her conversation when it happened and she was telling her friend how not being able to talk isn't very relationshipy and whats the point of being with someone when you can't talk to them. Her friend (who I met) told her that she should be single and would probably be happier that way because she misses me so much now. I asked her if she told any of her friends about the questions she was having about us and whether or not she would be able to last the rest of the summer and she told me that she had told no one and that it was our business. This shocked be because I know that she lied straight to me (maybe because she didn't want to hurt me) and when I told her I didn't believe her and to tell me the truth she said she never told anyone but proceeded to log onto her facebook account and change her password (to prevent me from logging in and reading the conversation). I then proceeded to ask her if she truly loves me and she said yes so I asked her why she is questioning if she can make it. I told her that when I say I love someone it means I will do and go through anything for them no matter how hard it is and she told me she was just being silly and will make it through the summer. I am concerned that she doesn't love me and is just confused and doesn't know what she wants. I feel like she doesn't want to hurt me or herself because she is a needy person who needs to be in a relationship. The only problem is that since she is an international student she will never have this proper relationship for years because she will never be in one place all the time and neither will her boyfriend. TL; DR -> I love her very much and just want the summer to end but I don't know if she's mature enough to stay in a relationship with. I feel like she is confused and that if she truly loved me then she wouldn't be questioning us or her love for me to last the rest of the summer. I am very worried, I don't want to be alone but I also don't want to be unhappy. Any insight would be great thank you

07-19-2011, 05:24 AM	#3 (permalink)
The_Jazz Asshole Administrator Location: Chicago	If you truly loved her, you wouldn't snoop. You hacked her Facebook account and saw stuff that you weren't meant to see. It's not like you discovered she was actually cheating on you; you saw a private conversation. Then you played police detective to try to catch her in a lie. You set yourself up for failure. You violated her trust. My guess is that you're broken up already but she doesn't want to waste the time and money to tell you. It's not like accessing her Facebook account was a one-time thing. You admitted as much. That said, once was too many times in my book. Basically, you're the bad guy here. You're trying to make her look bad because she "lied". She didn't lie, dude. If I'd have been in her position, I'd have broken up with you immediately just based on that. Not cool. Obviously, my answer to your first question of "should it end" is yes, but not because of anything to do with her. You clearly have trust and boundary issues and probably need to work on those before you get involved with anyone else. It's kind of ironic that you're questioning her maturity when she's the one behaving like an adult throughout. Sorry to be blunt, but you asked. Maybe you'll learn something. __________________ "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin "There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush "We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo Last edited by The_Jazz; 07-19-2011 at 06:37 AM..

07-26-2011, 08:47 AM	#6 (permalink)
Iliftrocks Junkie Location: Near Raleigh, NC	Hormones racing through the body make one pretty unstable, emotionally. I remember the neediness and urgency of young love. I hope I NEVER feel like that again. It's most likely over, so just go cry and then get on with your life. Someone new will come along soon and break your heart again. One day you will get over all of this, and find yourself in a healthy relationship, unless you hold onto bitterness, and betrayal... __________________ bill hicks - "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

07-19-2011, 02:55 AM	#2 (permalink)
AbelG Upright Location: Spokane	First of all, how old is she? Because based from your statements, it seems that your girl way of thinking is of a teen. That would mean that she isn't mature enough to cling on a set-up that you want. Though, you should trust what she said but not up to the point that you trust her with all your life. Why don't you try to divert your attention to other fruitful things? I guess you missed her so much because you are used to being with her. That's just a suggestion.