How to get over guilt? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Iforgiveyou · 06-25-2011, 10:16 AM

Very nervous, not sure how to start but here goes..
I met a guy when I was 14... fell in love, hard. We were good friends until I was 17 and then started dating. My feelings for him sky rocketted. We had some good times and some bad times but still to this day, I will tell anyone that he is the one for me. Any whoo..
We broke up when I was 19 and it was sort of messy. I got hurt a lot because I loved him so much.
I met a rebound guy a month later..
3 months after meeting Mr.Rebound, I found out I was pregnant. So I did the right thing and married him. But still very much in love with Mr. Right for me. We went 4 years with out speaking or seeing each other at all...no contact. But I still cried over him and wrote him letters and all that mushy crap. Well I finally found out from the internet that he was in a local band and after 4 years, I just had to see him, so I went. About a month later, I got an email from him wanting to talk, so I did... I followed my heart. And yes, my husband knew about all this. Well I recently found out that he he carrys a lot of guilt for hurting me forever ago. I told him that I forgave him a long time ago but I jus was wondering how to help him move on from the guilt he has and make him feel my forgiveness. Any one have any advice?

Ourcrazymodern? · 06-25-2011, 11:44 AM

"sort of messy" doesn't give any indication of what he feels guilty about. How's your kid?

Sheepy · 06-25-2011, 06:26 PM

so you're having a baby and married around 20? good luck! heard younger parents can relate to their children more easily anyway.
would you say you are over mr.right now? because if you aren't, that's going to really effect how you express/ try help him.
In a way the more time you spend trying to help him realize your forgiveness, the more emotion you are going to invest in him, and this may just make it worse in both of you trying to move on. Your husband sounds like a really decent guy being alright with you going back to other guys in your past, i don't think most guys (especially husbands ) would feel okay with that

Halanna · 06-28-2011, 04:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iforgiveyou

Well I recently found out that he he carrys a lot of guilt for hurting me forever ago. I told him that I forgave him a long time ago but I jus was wondering how to help him move on from the guilt he has and make him feel my forgiveness.

This is where you're going wrong. It is not your responsibility to "help him move on".

4 years passed where there was no contact. This worked both ways, you wrote him letters you said, but he apparently did not respond. You initiated contact when you went to see the band, he did not contact you. Then it took him a month to email you. This does not sound like a person who is carrying the heavy weight of guilt toward you.

This sounds like a person who is trying to use your feelings against you to hold you in place. As long as you are trying to "help him" he can keep you in his life. But what you've forgotten is your life has gone on. You are married, have a child and that is where your focus needs to be. Not investing mentally and emotionally in another man "helping him". I understand your empathy toward the situation, but if you aren't careful you could lose the life you have now.

What the other man is feeling is regret, not guilt.

Tell him it was good to see him. You forgive him. The past is the past. Wish him well. Tell him you hope he finds all he seeks in life then say goodbye, forever. Go home, hug your child, kiss your husband and move forward, not backward.

ruoN · 07-13-2011, 11:12 PM

Both of you need closure. You need to understand that you being his psychiatrist would never work, you still love him and that's why you wanna do it, this grants you access to him!

If he's Ok with this then he's still his own selfish self and it's a trap for him to have access to you.

Its in your hand, wish him well and do not attempt to contact him again, you owe him nothing.

Do not put your man in this position even if he says he's Ok, put yourself in his shoes.

chinese crested · 07-13-2011, 11:33 PM

Why do you want a big child to baby? He is a showman, remember that, also remember that we all pay for mistakes we have made in life, his mistake, his debt, not your debt, not your kids debt, nor the debt of mr rebound who it seems you married because you got knocked up. Walk away - if it bothered your ex, your early in life ex that much, he would have done something long before now to try and make amends. If you dont love your husband, and its a one sided relationship, then at least be honest with him - he is probably young enough to start like again with his child - I take it the husband is the father?

06-25-2011, 10:16 AM	#1 (permalink)
Iforgiveyou Upright Location: Florida	How to get over guilt? Very nervous, not sure how to start but here goes.. I met a guy when I was 14... fell in love, hard. We were good friends until I was 17 and then started dating. My feelings for him sky rocketted. We had some good times and some bad times but still to this day, I will tell anyone that he is the one for me. Any whoo.. We broke up when I was 19 and it was sort of messy. I got hurt a lot because I loved him so much. I met a rebound guy a month later.. 3 months after meeting Mr.Rebound, I found out I was pregnant. So I did the right thing and married him. But still very much in love with Mr. Right for me. We went 4 years with out speaking or seeing each other at all...no contact. But I still cried over him and wrote him letters and all that mushy crap. Well I finally found out from the internet that he was in a local band and after 4 years, I just had to see him, so I went. About a month later, I got an email from him wanting to talk, so I did... I followed my heart. And yes, my husband knew about all this. Well I recently found out that he he carrys a lot of guilt for hurting me forever ago. I told him that I forgave him a long time ago but I jus was wondering how to help him move on from the guilt he has and make him feel my forgiveness. Any one have any advice?

06-25-2011, 11:44 AM	#2 (permalink)
Ourcrazymodern? still, wondering. Location: South Minneapolis, somewhere near the gorgeous gorge	"sort of messy" doesn't give any indication of what he feels guilty about. How's your kid? __________________ BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

06-25-2011, 06:26 PM	#3 (permalink)
Sheepy Tilted Location: Hometown at Great Barrier Island, NZ	so you're having a baby and married around 20? good luck! heard younger parents can relate to their children more easily anyway. would you say you are over mr.right now? because if you aren't, that's going to really effect how you express/ try help him. In a way the more time you spend trying to help him realize your forgiveness, the more emotion you are going to invest in him, and this may just make it worse in both of you trying to move on. Your husband sounds like a really decent guy being alright with you going back to other guys in your past, i don't think most guys (especially husbands ) would feel okay with that

07-13-2011, 11:12 PM	#5 (permalink)
ruoN Upright Location: Vancouver	Both of you need closure. You need to understand that you being his psychiatrist would never work, you still love him and that's why you wanna do it, this grants you access to him! If he's Ok with this then he's still his own selfish self and it's a trap for him to have access to you. Its in your hand, wish him well and do not attempt to contact him again, you owe him nothing. Do not put your man in this position even if he says he's Ok, put yourself in his shoes.

07-13-2011, 11:33 PM	#6 (permalink)
chinese crested Insane Location: hampshire	Why do you want a big child to baby? He is a showman, remember that, also remember that we all pay for mistakes we have made in life, his mistake, his debt, not your debt, not your kids debt, nor the debt of mr rebound who it seems you married because you got knocked up. Walk away - if it bothered your ex, your early in life ex that much, he would have done something long before now to try and make amends. If you dont love your husband, and its a one sided relationship, then at least be honest with him - he is probably young enough to start like again with his child - I take it the husband is the father?