A bad move - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

girldetective · 05-14-2011, 12:06 PM

Rather than take a full 45 minutes to reopen the case, let me provide just a synopsis. With a little compassion you can fill in the feelings.

Up until recently: Divorced a few years, fallen in love twice. Both went awry, probably because of my own fear. Miserable for a couple of years before I began to bump into myself and all my own dishonesty. Did an outright fall into myself and began to start sputtering all the realness that is me. I made a place for myself in the world, independent (yet not) of my family, and filled it with people and things I loved and had meaning for me. I felt comfortable in my own skin and my own home, and with my philosophy. I tried to live it.

Currently: Because I tried to live that philosophy of hope and love, Ive made a horrible decision for myself, while looking to help a family member, and possibly myself while doing so. I am now an urbanite living in sub-suburbia, and it is hellishly uncomfortable. I am now living in a place I dont like, in a town I dont like. The house needs so much work, I dont even know where to start, nor whom to work with. I drive twice as far to work than I did. I miss the city, the amenities, the neighborliness, the independence/interdependence of people.

I am trying very hard to stay focused on unpacking one box at a time and talking myself into any good parts of this move. However, I recognize that Im starting to freeze with fear and the horror of my mistake, and that wont help anything. Selling right away and making another move just seems trying in every way right now. I think I can only hope to begin to not feel creepy at night and maybe put the fistful it needs into making the house my own.

So, Im thinking an urban bofriend and my new house will be our country place? Or, is the house my new boyfriend? How the fuck does one person do it?

snowy · 05-14-2011, 12:51 PM

Oh man, that's a tough question.

I suppose you do it one step at a time, and try and discover if it is something you can do over the long term. If it isn't, I can't say there's any shame in returning to urban living. Mistakes don't have to be permanent, if indeed it does turn out to be a mistake given time.

Good luck (and I am incredibly curious as to where you moved to).

jewels · 05-14-2011, 03:45 PM

I've done this so many times for different reasons, but what I'm hoping is different, though, is your reasoning. Did you move to help the family member? Is it something you want to do or are you feeling obligated?

Also, ask yourself the really big questions.

Is this a temporary move? Is it something you can adapt to and make the sacrifice to help this person? Will you feel good that you were able to help and be able to move back to the city later?

Are you afraid of change and leaving the familiar, feeling out of your comfort zone? Are there other ways you can find to feel more connected? Will you feel comfortable walking away in a year or two if you find you're not adapting?

Give yourself some food for thought. Make yourself a list of the pros of the move (ideas: gardening and fixing a home up can be therapeutic, you can see the stars in the night sky etc).

I do like the urban boyfriend, country home and having the urban boyfriend and the house, kinda like an interesting threesome.

Willravel · 05-14-2011, 04:28 PM

I certainly can relate insofar as loving city life. There's something about the tightness, the culture, the speed, and the people that is difficult to replicate in the suburbs. It's not impossible, though.

The absolute most important part of living in a suburban house instead of a loft or townhouse is to get to know your neighbors. I made the mistake of putting this off and it made introducing myself a year after moving in awkward as hell. "Hey, we've seen each other 52 times this year, every time we take out the trash! My name is Will. So... you recycle, then?" People in the suburbs can get sucked into this weird thing where they might wave occasionally, but otherwise avoid eye contact. It's jarring and a little Stepford. You don't need to have a religious debate or anything, just introduce yourself, give a bit of information, and then get some information. The next time you see them, the information they gave you can be a jumping-off point. The goal is to find out which neighbors aren't zombies or sociopaths, so you can hopefully make friends.

What's an urban boyfriend? Is that a preexisting thing or a pursuit yet to be attained? If it's a preexisting thing, your plan seems very, very smart, assuming he's up for housing you. If it's a pursuit, I dunno, it seems kinda tricky. Not Sugar Daddy tricky, but tricky.

Ourcrazymodern? · 05-22-2011, 04:07 PM

You say "bad move." That makes it seem as if your "philosophy of hope and love" has already given up its ghost. Without further particulars, it sounds to me like you should move back to town if you can.

kramus · 05-22-2011, 06:36 PM

Hey, think of it like a contract position. Not all roses, but there are some things you are getting (or you feel are necessary for you to give) for a definite length of time (length unspecified because this is a life/relationship span vs a real contracted work span).

It is not a twap. It is a choice, for whatever reason, that will last for a while. Live as best you can for that while. And plan to live differently after this particular while has run it's course. You are not in a prison cell, in an indentured servant position, or anything like that. You do have freedom to change your circumstances. You have decided that for the next while this is what you are going to do. That's all. Don't freak out, just go with it and spend a portion of your quiet time building some kind of space for the next step after this is over.

girldetective · 05-22-2011, 06:45 PM

Its true. I need to remember why I moved and let that go. Im working on it.
More though, Im trying to feel settled in this new place, which is the place I lived in
with my ex when we divorced. It was my ex who I helped, a victim of the bad economy.

Im back here now, with all this detritus spread thinly all over everything.
Trying to incorporate my new life into the old one is next to impossible Nothing fits
right. Its all pointy vs curvy, sunny vs shady, big vs little. Each time I go to do something,
I have to undo something first, and when I finally get my thing in place, its funky.
This has gone on and on. I keep moving, but Im making little headway to the comfort zone.

I think a reasonable plan is to do the things I would like to see done, and which will up the
value of the house. Of course it will be hell to sell in this miserable market, but the value will
not be only in $$, but also in my well-being. Then, Ill take a look again in a year or so.
I think another move at this time might kill me.

willravel: That is very good advice regarding subcity living and neighbors. Why is that?
The car culture that the burbs necessitate?

kramus: I like your tone, and find it helpful and true. Thanks for reminding me.

Willravel · 05-22-2011, 09:26 PM

A lot of it has to do with the reason suburbs exist, which was oddly enough proposed by Michael Moore of all people in his movie Bowling for Columbine. Basically, he sees the suburbs as a sort of refuge for the fearful. There's an amazing subculture of fear and paranoia in the United States, which eventually entangles itself with isolationism. Even in their own homes, with their own families, many Americans seek isolation. It's not being an introvert, either, but rather an unfortunate result of social fears going unchecked. Even though you're surrounded by nice people, you'd rather be alone, not making the effort to connect lest you embarrass yourself or get hurt.

The nice thing, though, is that the cure for this kind of situation is open and sociable city folk like us. Once I finally did give my neighbors a howdy, things went fine. They opened up, and now our beagles are the best of friends, and the humans are following suit. All it takes is a nudge.

And a barbecue. Everyone loves a barbecue. If I were nearby, I'd offer to swing by and grill up some of my world-famous lamb kabobs.

05-14-2011, 12:06 PM	#1 (permalink)
girldetective sufferable	A bad move Rather than take a full 45 minutes to reopen the case, let me provide just a synopsis. With a little compassion you can fill in the feelings. Up until recently: Divorced a few years, fallen in love twice. Both went awry, probably because of my own fear. Miserable for a couple of years before I began to bump into myself and all my own dishonesty. Did an outright fall into myself and began to start sputtering all the realness that is me. I made a place for myself in the world, independent (yet not) of my family, and filled it with people and things I loved and had meaning for me. I felt comfortable in my own skin and my own home, and with my philosophy. I tried to live it. Currently: Because I tried to live that philosophy of hope and love, Ive made a horrible decision for myself, while looking to help a family member, and possibly myself while doing so. I am now an urbanite living in sub-suburbia, and it is hellishly uncomfortable. I am now living in a place I dont like, in a town I dont like. The house needs so much work, I dont even know where to start, nor whom to work with. I drive twice as far to work than I did. I miss the city, the amenities, the neighborliness, the independence/interdependence of people. I am trying very hard to stay focused on unpacking one box at a time and talking myself into any good parts of this move. However, I recognize that Im starting to freeze with fear and the horror of my mistake, and that wont help anything. Selling right away and making another move just seems trying in every way right now. I think I can only hope to begin to not feel creepy at night and maybe put the fistful it needs into making the house my own. So, Im thinking an urban bofriend and my new house will be our country place? Or, is the house my new boyfriend? How the fuck does one person do it? __________________ As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

05-14-2011, 12:51 PM	#2 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	Oh man, that's a tough question. I suppose you do it one step at a time, and try and discover if it is something you can do over the long term. If it isn't, I can't say there's any shame in returning to urban living. Mistakes don't have to be permanent, if indeed it does turn out to be a mistake given time. Good luck (and I am incredibly curious as to where you moved to). __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

05-14-2011, 03:45 PM	#3 (permalink)
jewels Eponymous Location: Central Central Florida	I've done this so many times for different reasons, but what I'm hoping is different, though, is your reasoning. Did you move to help the family member? Is it something you want to do or are you feeling obligated? Also, ask yourself the really big questions. Is this a temporary move? Is it something you can adapt to and make the sacrifice to help this person? Will you feel good that you were able to help and be able to move back to the city later? Are you afraid of change and leaving the familiar, feeling out of your comfort zone? Are there other ways you can find to feel more connected? Will you feel comfortable walking away in a year or two if you find you're not adapting? Give yourself some food for thought. Make yourself a list of the pros of the move (ideas: gardening and fixing a home up can be therapeutic, you can see the stars in the night sky etc). I do like the urban boyfriend, country home and having the urban boyfriend and the house, kinda like an interesting threesome. __________________ We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess. Mark Twain

05-22-2011, 04:07 PM	#5 (permalink)
Ourcrazymodern? still, wondering. Location: South Minneapolis, somewhere near the gorgeous gorge	You say "bad move." That makes it seem as if your "philosophy of hope and love" has already given up its ghost. Without further particulars, it sounds to me like you should move back to town if you can. __________________ BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

05-22-2011, 06:36 PM	#6 (permalink)
kramus loving the curves Location: my Lady's manor	Hey, think of it like a contract position. Not all roses, but there are some things you are getting (or you feel are necessary for you to give) for a definite length of time (length unspecified because this is a life/relationship span vs a real contracted work span). It is not a twap. It is a choice, for whatever reason, that will last for a while. Live as best you can for that while. And plan to live differently after this particular while has run it's course. You are not in a prison cell, in an indentured servant position, or anything like that. You do have freedom to change your circumstances. You have decided that for the next while this is what you are going to do. That's all. Don't freak out, just go with it and spend a portion of your quiet time building some kind of space for the next step after this is over. __________________ And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ... I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca

05-14-2011, 04:28 PM	#4 (permalink)
Willravel ... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.	I certainly can relate insofar as loving city life. There's something about the tightness, the culture, the speed, and the people that is difficult to replicate in the suburbs. It's not impossible, though. The absolute most important part of living in a suburban house instead of a loft or townhouse is to get to know your neighbors. I made the mistake of putting this off and it made introducing myself a year after moving in awkward as hell. "Hey, we've seen each other 52 times this year, every time we take out the trash! My name is Will. So... you recycle, then?" People in the suburbs can get sucked into this weird thing where they might wave occasionally, but otherwise avoid eye contact. It's jarring and a little Stepford. You don't need to have a religious debate or anything, just introduce yourself, give a bit of information, and then get some information. The next time you see them, the information they gave you can be a jumping-off point. The goal is to find out which neighbors aren't zombies or sociopaths, so you can hopefully make friends. What's an urban boyfriend? Is that a preexisting thing or a pursuit yet to be attained? If it's a preexisting thing, your plan seems very, very smart, assuming he's up for housing you. If it's a pursuit, I dunno, it seems kinda tricky. Not Sugar Daddy tricky, but tricky.

05-22-2011, 06:45 PM	#7 (permalink)
girldetective sufferable	Its true. I need to remember why I moved and let that go. Im working on it. More though, Im trying to feel settled in this new place, which is the place I lived in with my ex when we divorced. It was my ex who I helped, a victim of the bad economy. Im back here now, with all this detritus spread thinly all over everything. Trying to incorporate my new life into the old one is next to impossible Nothing fits right. Its all pointy vs curvy, sunny vs shady, big vs little. Each time I go to do something, I have to undo something first, and when I finally get my thing in place, its funky. This has gone on and on. I keep moving, but Im making little headway to the comfort zone. I think a reasonable plan is to do the things I would like to see done, and which will up the value of the house. Of course it will be hell to sell in this miserable market, but the value will not be only in $$, but also in my well-being. Then, Ill take a look again in a year or so. I think another move at this time might kill me. willravel: That is very good advice regarding subcity living and neighbors. Why is that? The car culture that the burbs necessitate? kramus: I like your tone, and find it helpful and true. Thanks for reminding me. __________________ As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata Last edited by girldetective; 05-22-2011 at 06:49 PM.. Reason: thanks to kramus.

05-22-2011, 09:26 PM	#8 (permalink)
Willravel ... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.	A lot of it has to do with the reason suburbs exist, which was oddly enough proposed by Michael Moore of all people in his movie Bowling for Columbine. Basically, he sees the suburbs as a sort of refuge for the fearful. There's an amazing subculture of fear and paranoia in the United States, which eventually entangles itself with isolationism. Even in their own homes, with their own families, many Americans seek isolation. It's not being an introvert, either, but rather an unfortunate result of social fears going unchecked. Even though you're surrounded by nice people, you'd rather be alone, not making the effort to connect lest you embarrass yourself or get hurt. The nice thing, though, is that the cure for this kind of situation is open and sociable city folk like us. Once I finally did give my neighbors a howdy, things went fine. They opened up, and now our beagles are the best of friends, and the humans are following suit. All it takes is a nudge. And a barbecue. Everyone loves a barbecue. If I were nearby, I'd offer to swing by and grill up some of my world-famous lamb kabobs.