girldetective

Rather than take a full 45 minutes to reopen the case, let me provide just a synopsis. With a little compassion you can fill in the feelings.

Up until recently: Divorced a few years, fallen in love twice. Both went awry, probably because of my own fear. Miserable for a couple of years before I began to bump into myself and all my own dishonesty. Did an outright fall into myself and began to start sputtering all the realness that is me. I made a place for myself in the world, independent (yet not) of my family, and filled it with people and things I loved and had meaning for me. I felt comfortable in my own skin and my own home, and with my philosophy. I tried to live it.

Currently: Because I tried to live that philosophy of hope and love, Ive made a horrible decision for myself, while looking to help a family member, and possibly myself while doing so. I am now an urbanite living in sub-suburbia, and it is hellishly uncomfortable. I am now living in a place I dont like, in a town I dont like. The house needs so much work, I dont even know where to start, nor whom to work with. I drive twice as far to work than I did. I miss the city, the amenities, the neighborliness, the independence/interdependence of people.

I am trying very hard to stay focused on unpacking one box at a time and talking myself into any good parts of this move. However, I recognize that Im starting to freeze with fear and the horror of my mistake, and that wont help anything. Selling right away and making another move just seems trying in every way right now. I think I can only hope to begin to not feel creepy at night and maybe put the fistful it needs into making the house my own.

So, Im thinking an urban bofriend and my new house will be our country place? Or, is the house my new boyfriend? How the fuck does one person do it?

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As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata