Anonymous Member

Wow, you guys are all still around.
It's been years since I've been here. Good to know TFP is still alive and kicking.

Anyway, I have a life issue, something I can't really share with anyone but total strangers, because others are simply too close.
So why not go to TFP for advice .

So here is the story (scroll to the bottom for the summary if you're in a hurry, but know you're missing out!):

Back story: Relationships have always sucked for me.

I'm a 25 year old software engineer that isn't particularly handsome, but is 'passable' (blonde, tall, crooked nose, fit-ish, normally a 5.5 on a scale of 1 to 10, but can dress up to be a 7).
These last 2 years I've had a relationship with a girl that isn't particularly gorgeous, but she is pretty (brunette, small, slim, a 6.5).

I'm a pretty introvert guy, but I can have my moments, she's a pretty extrovert girl, but she can have her moments. We're both pretty 'autistic' (rules, schedules, etc...), me more than her.

We met through a social network... well, she dumped a co-worker who ran off with one of my ex-girlfriends who was abusing me to get to him, but that is some different drama that has nothing to do with this story .

We started messaging over this social network and I was about to go backpacking for a couple of weeks, she was going to take a trip to Egypt that she's always wanted so we clicked there. She was coming on strong I mean, she was talking about going with me in my suitcase and sleeping next to me... Even a software engineer could pick up THOSE signals.

So when I got back from backpacking, 2 days later, I picked her up and we went to my place, well... we talked a bit about our trips, but let's just say we didn't dwell on the past . That was two years ago, this year we moved together (I lived alone, she lived with her mom) to a small house.

Before her, I lived alone for a couple of years, I had a few 'girlfriends', nothing that lasted more than a month really...

Before that I had my first real relationship, at 18, a long term long distance relationship for 3 years with a girl hundreds of miles away that I saw 3 times. We met as friends through some early online chat program and 2 years later we knew each other so intimately... and we grew together. I loved her intensely. We knew each other so well... all our fears and worries, our hopes and regrets, our every thought we shared (because all you CAN do is talk...).
But eventually we grew apart. The distance just wasn't working. And she was too different from me. Culture, family, friends and the fact that I was more of an 'autist' and she more of a free-flown spirit (more on the 'bipolar' side) tore us apart.
A year or two later I tried 'dating' every available girl that would show interest in me, then I met an ex of a co-worker...

The Problem: Just not that into her?
The problem is that now I'm living with this girl, but I don't feel that close to her. When we met she was way into me, but to me she was just another that was probably going to leave me soon.

To my surprise she stuck around. And she was pretty cool. She didn't mind I was not that great (at times) with people or that I wasn't that communicative.
And she didn't view it as a weakness that I wanted to help her, support her and hold her when and where I could. We were quite the obnoxious couple.
And the physical stuff... wow... I'd never want a one-night stand again, having someone who knows what you like is sooo much better.
Oh and we never fought... still don't... only had 'harsh words' 2 times so far.

But still... I still wasn't 'that into her'. I loved her, but not so much for who she was, but what she did for me. It did, and still does, feel like a dishonest love.

Now we're living together and everyone around is is having babies, so she starts talking babies too. And buying a house... on a mortgage....
In short serious stuff you can't get out of in a hurry.

And I wonder if I should continue...
Will I regret staying with this girl when I suddenly meet a real 'soul mate'?
Or am I just like 50% of the men would leave their partners if it wasn't 'such a hassle'.

Summary
tl; dr: Guy meets girl, guy not that into girl, girl into guy, guy goes along, 2 years later they've moved in together, talking kids and mortgage, guy gets cold feet.

Sirensong12

Cold feet, or reality? If you're not feeling it, don't get into something more that's hard to get out of.

Only you know, for sure, if you're just scared or not or "just not into her." My first inclination is you're not ready for what she is ready for. At any rate, if you comply because you think you should, you are not being fair to you or to her.

Tell her what you told the board, honestly and openly. Your conversation thereafter will give you the answer. If you can't talk about it, then there's an answer too.

__________________
After you have exhausted what there is in business, politics, conviviality, and so on - have found that none of these finally satisfy, or permanently wear - what remains? Nature remains.
Walt Whitman, US poet (1819 - 1892)

Xerxys

I simply think you have had it too easy and you don't know what you got till it's gone.

Plan9

Aside from the half-dozen Infamous TFP Relationship Obelisks of Truth: If you're gonna go, go before you get too heavily invested.

As much as I like my partner, I'd throw them under the bus in a heartbeat to keep my mattress and major appliances.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

CinnamonGirl

Think about what you'd be losing. Think about it a lot. And then...if you're still not feeling it....let her go. Don't waste her time.

__________________
"...for though she was ordinary, she possessed health, wit, courage, charm, and cheerfulness. But because she was not beautiful, no one ever seemed to notice these other qualities, which is so often the way of the world."


"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

little_tippler

Sounds like you enjoyed her attention and were entertained for a while. But you probably don't love her. That or you won't know what you had until she's gone. I don't believe in staying with someone just so you won't be alone. I believe in staying with someone because you truly care about them and love them, love having them around.

I never think it's good when you enter into a relationship because it sort of came up. Live your life with intention. Mean what you do and say.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Lady Bear Cub

Don't do anything life altering if you aren't sure it's what you want. Maybe you need to go on another trip with out her. Take time to figure out what you want. If you have been stringing her a long all this time, you are going to break her heart. But it will be worse if she has to worry about a mortgage and kids if you do all this and then leave her in the future.

__________________
"I give myself very good advice,
But I very seldom follow it,
Will I ever learn to do the things I should?"

Baraka_Guru

Don't waste your life and her's by taking a "just because" attitude.

One question to ask yourself whenever you're in a relationship: do you think you would be better off without her? (i.e. are you going to keep your eye out for that soulmate the whole time you're with her?)

A dishonest relationship is a poisoned one. If you don't love her, then tell her so.

It's easy to get comfortable, and breaking up is hard to do, but sometimes it's the right thing to do.

Think about it: Is it just cold feet (a fear of commitment; you feel you're moving too quickly)? Or are you just not that into her (she's not your type; it's just not working out; there isn't really any chemistry)?

There is a huge difference.

__________________
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot

Cimarron29414

Alright, I'm going to take a different approach:

1) Were you ever excited about other girls in your life. Truly, heart-thumping excited?
2) Do you get excited about anything in life, hobbies, etc?

I know this is a giant leap having read so little and know so little: I suspect that nothing gets you very excited in life. I would get your thyroid checked. I would also suggest that you consider whether you are depressed or not. Just take your car (body) into the shop (doctor) and get it checked out. There might be something that is driving what seems to be an irrational distaste for an obviously good life partner for you (on paper). It would be a shame to drop this girl and then find out you have hypothyroid or are clinically depressed. You'll kick yourself for letting her go over something you could fix. Just give it a thought.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."