Willravel

It's my understanding that no matter what a parent does, a child will always seek outside approval at least to some degree, and based on that approval will form at least part of their personality. Before adolescence, a lot of this will come from you, the parents. They'll try to make you laugh, try to get attention (positive or negative) and those things which do win approval will be filed into the "keep" file in their minds. If you're careful and thoughtful, you can utilize this in order to instill good values and the beginnings of a healthy self. At adolescence, though, generally there is a shift away from parental approval and towards peers and media. It happened to me in middle school, it happened to most of my friends, and it was covered in several college psych courses. What I'm wondering about is how this plays out in practice. How does a parent prepare his or her adolescent to deal with a new set of rules? How does a parent teach that criticism from peers shouldn't be taken as gospel, that the adolescent should maintain some objectivity? How can you instill in him or her a strong enough sense of self by such a young age so as to deal with the incredible power of peer pressures?

As I understand it, people generally take a few decades to really become the person they'll be as an adult, so having a strong sense of self and a firmly founded sense of objectivity can be incredibly difficult for an 11-year old. I've gotten a few horror stories from friends with little girls that are developing eating disorders by age 11 or 12 and I think to myself that I have to prevent that at all costs in my progeny.

This feels like a very important part of parenting.

Thoughts?

filtherton

I think it's a crapshoot. Different kids respond to different things. For my kid, those days are still a ways off. Though I can speak about my adolescence.

I was lucky in that most of my friends were awesome (though they all sucked in their own particular ways) and also that I had parents and other role models who were able to instill in me the concept of emotional intelligence. Not that I was emotionally intelligent. I just knew that such a thing existed and its existence was proof that emotions could be understood, instead of just felt or avoided.

In an indirect way, I probably owe my continued existence to a higher power, or at least the fact that I used to believe in one. My father is a pastor and when I was a kid, I was a true believer. As I got older, I became less and less of a believer (this is one of the perils of keeping the faithful interested in a religion without hell- you won't go to hell for growing apathetic) and as my belief in a higher power gave way to indifference, the feeling I used to get when I felt I was communicating with god turned into the feeling I got when I felt I was communicating with myself. This in turn was pretty useful in that whenever I felt lost and/or despondent I could just find this part of myself and let it tell me what to do.

I do feel like sending a kid to junior high school through high school is like throwing them to the dogs, except that they're one of the dogs too. I know I've spent all of my adult life trying to unlearn all of the bad emotional habits I've picked up along the way and I think I can safely say that I picked most of them up between the time when the first ball-hair sprouted and when I walked across the stage in my high school graduation ceremony.

I know some folks think that the high school years are the best years of life. I'm going to tell my daughter that the best years of her life will probably begin the moment she realizes that everyone in high school is just as lost as she is/was and that none of it really matters all that much once she crosses that stage.

Iliftrocks

You start by showing them how you handled the outside pressures when you were in the middle of them. You have to be completely honest. They get their first education from you, so whatever you've shown them will be their first impulse when confronted with the new ideas. If they trust you enough to talk to you about them when they surface, you can somewhat guide them through it. They are individuals as filtherton mentioned above, so they will develop their own slant on issues and dealing with pressure.

It's always an issue of doing the best you can, and hoping for good outcomes.

On a side note, I think people would develop their personalities earlier if they were allowed to think for themselves earlier. We baby them too long and they don't develop because of it. There is no reason to have to take several decades to become a fully fledged, thinking human being.

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snowy

Actually, will, your information is not entirely correct. On some issues, such as morals and social conventions, parents are always seen as the authority, even as an adolescent matures. Parents are also seen as the authority on prudential issues (issues of safety). However, peers are seen as the authority on friendship and personal issues; that said, adolescents are actually pretty likely to choose friends with similar values and beliefs, and friends their parents approve of. Peer influence isn't always a negative, after all. Peer influence also actually wanes over adolescence, peaking at around age 14.

Strangely, I just took an exam on this topic this morning.

Ultimately, the best "peer-pressure vaccine" (to borrow my professor's term) is authoritative parenting. Make the consequences clear, explain the consequences to children, use positive discipline, and be consistent disciplinarians in addition to having developmentally appropriate expectations of children. Adolescents lack the brain development necessary to be great critical thinkers, but authoritative parenting teaches them critical thinking skills to help overcome some of that. They're able to evaluate what their peers are saying and decide for themselves. Plus, if their parents have always been a positive influence in their life, teens are more likely to turn to their parents for advice, help, and guidance. It is really crucial that parents have good communication patterns with their children.

There are actually a lot of things a parent can do. The question really is, is the parent doing them?

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allaboutmusic

This is a topic I find very interesting, as someone who is not yet a parent but who teachers adolescents. I do most of my teaching in the girls' school where I am employed, but peer influence is something that is fairly evident to see in students - especially when students are seen migrating from one peer group to another, and changing their behaviour as a result. This in itself is hardly surprising - what I find interesting is finding out what made them change their peer group in the first place.

I recently went on a buying spree at Amazon on books relating to this (I'm currently reading "Self Esteem for Girls - 100 Tips for Raising Happy and Confident Children"). Haven't yet had the opportunity to put anything into practice as it's the summer holidays, but I've making notes in a journal, and I'll be keeping an eye on this thread.

Suzz04

My question is, why do some parents or grandparents let their child have something that's inappropriate at 12-14? Do they give in to the whining and "But everyone at school is getting one!"

My current position is the belly ring. Most of the kids in my daughter's grade are living with their grandparents or a single parent. I've got 4 that I know of so far that has belly rings. I've said no, and got the "But mom" line. So I came up with my own work about on it though. When I get one, you can have one. And I'm not quite into the idea of getting my ears redone. So I think that is going to be a unlikely event lol

But however, not in doing it for my daughter, I've considered it for myself. I have a scar there from gall bladder surgery and it really bothers me to look at it or have it seen. I have thought of that to kinda cover it up. But I'm a chicken. cluck cluck

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