Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Tilted Parents: Identity Issues Pertaining to Outside Approval

Willravel · 08-11-2009, 08:37 PM

It's my understanding that no matter what a parent does, a child will always seek outside approval at least to some degree, and based on that approval will form at least part of their personality. Before adolescence, a lot of this will come from you, the parents. They'll try to make you laugh, try to get attention (positive or negative) and those things which do win approval will be filed into the "keep" file in their minds. If you're careful and thoughtful, you can utilize this in order to instill good values and the beginnings of a healthy self. At adolescence, though, generally there is a shift away from parental approval and towards peers and media. It happened to me in middle school, it happened to most of my friends, and it was covered in several college psych courses. What I'm wondering about is how this plays out in practice. How does a parent prepare his or her adolescent to deal with a new set of rules? How does a parent teach that criticism from peers shouldn't be taken as gospel, that the adolescent should maintain some objectivity? How can you instill in him or her a strong enough sense of self by such a young age so as to deal with the incredible power of peer pressures?

As I understand it, people generally take a few decades to really become the person they'll be as an adult, so having a strong sense of self and a firmly founded sense of objectivity can be incredibly difficult for an 11-year old. I've gotten a few horror stories from friends with little girls that are developing eating disorders by age 11 or 12 and I think to myself that I have to prevent that at all costs in my progeny.

This feels like a very important part of parenting.

Thoughts?

08-11-2009, 08:37 PM	#1 (permalink)
Willravel ... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.	Tilted Parents: Identity Issues Pertaining to Outside Approval It's my understanding that no matter what a parent does, a child will always seek outside approval at least to some degree, and based on that approval will form at least part of their personality. Before adolescence, a lot of this will come from you, the parents. They'll try to make you laugh, try to get attention (positive or negative) and those things which do win approval will be filed into the "keep" file in their minds. If you're careful and thoughtful, you can utilize this in order to instill good values and the beginnings of a healthy self. At adolescence, though, generally there is a shift away from parental approval and towards peers and media. It happened to me in middle school, it happened to most of my friends, and it was covered in several college psych courses. What I'm wondering about is how this plays out in practice. How does a parent prepare his or her adolescent to deal with a new set of rules? How does a parent teach that criticism from peers shouldn't be taken as gospel, that the adolescent should maintain some objectivity? How can you instill in him or her a strong enough sense of self by such a young age so as to deal with the incredible power of peer pressures? As I understand it, people generally take a few decades to really become the person they'll be as an adult, so having a strong sense of self and a firmly founded sense of objectivity can be incredibly difficult for an 11-year old. I've gotten a few horror stories from friends with little girls that are developing eating disorders by age 11 or 12 and I think to myself that I have to prevent that at all costs in my progeny. This feels like a very important part of parenting. Thoughts?